Today’s Lucky Winner

A Crusty White Dragon That Hoards Cocaine

September 15, 2021 Season 1 Episode 25
Today’s Lucky Winner
A Crusty White Dragon That Hoards Cocaine
Show Notes Transcript

That last episode certainly left us with a tense cliffhanger, huh? I’m sure that all turns out okay. Dawn and Rita have a heart to heart while Rita is 8 blunts deep. They attempt to open a cabinet together. (That’s more exciting than it sounds) We find out that Rita has been hiding something. Rita shows an interest in whether or not aliens are real, but we’re sure it’s just because she wants to have sex with them. The ladies go to a place where Dawn is the cool one, and nobody is charmed by Rita’s…you know, charm? Charm doesn’t feel like the right word. There’s a little family reunion, and Dawn watches a video that’s gonna fuck her up BIG TIME. 

Cast:
Narrator -  Sean Turner @seanwkturner

Dawn - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid

Uncle Nate, Death, -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale

Carmilla, Sunny, Viv - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222

Rita, Valeria  - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson (Instagram), @hotsauceghost (twitter/tiktok)

Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original theme music  by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original music by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

Mixgnomer Website
https://www.mixgnomer.com/

Social Media:
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Rating Introduction:


1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.


Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 


Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 


Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for you.


2. (PREVIOUSLY ON)


SCENE ONE: DMV COMMERCIAL: TIME IS AN ILLUSION


(SOUND) Static 


(SOUND) VHS Cassette loading


(MUSIC) ironically upbeat 90’s PSA music 


1. VOICEOVER: Life may not be fair, but the afterlife tries to be. That’s the motto of the Department of Mishaps and Violence. Right now, you’re probably disoriented and scared. That’s okay! Some of you should be. [laugh] 


     So, You’ve died of a [computer generated voice] MISHAP RELATED DEATH. [CGV Ends] That’s too bad. You may be asking yourself, what qualifies as a [computer generated voice] MISHAP RELATED DEATH [CGV Ends]? Let’s look at a dramatization of a real world example.


2. (SOUND) VHS Cassette skip/wonky noise


3. (MUSIC) ENDS


4. (SOUND) Nature ambience 


5. LIZ: [badly acted] Wow, Bob. I sure do love painting.


6. BOB: [badly acted] Yes, as do I, Liz. Especially the medium of oil painting, which requires highly flammable turpentine to thin paints and clean brushes. 


7. LIZ: Yes. Me as well. It’s my preferred medium. It’s a beautiful day to be painting in the park. This was a radical idea. 


8. BOB: Cowabunga. This is sweet. 


9. LIZ: You know what else would be sweet? Taking a break from painting to smoke this unfiltered, long cigarette. I almost have enough Camel points to get a windbreaker. Care for a smoke, Bob?


10. BOB: Yes, that sounds like a relaxing time, with no repercussions. Please, I would like to bum a smoke. 


11. LIZ: Would you like to wash your hands in that public restroom, provided and poorly maintained by the egregiously underfunded parks and recreation service in our normal human town? You’ve been cleaning brushes, which means there must be a layer of turpentine on your fragile, human skin. 


12. BOB: No. No, I would not like to wash my hands. Don’t tell me what to do. 


13. LIZ: Your choice. Need a light? 


14. BOB: Yes. I did not bring a lighter, because I was not prepared to smoke a long cigarette with you. Whoops, I have turpentine on my hands. Let me just wipe that all over my organic, flowy cotton shirt, which has not been treated with flame retardant chemicals to counteract the flammability of the cellulosic material. 


15. LIZ: Sure, Bob. Here you go. 


16. (SOUND) Lighting a cigarette 


17. (SOUND) Person burning


18. BOB: Ouch. I shall surely perish from the severity of these burns. It seems as though a series of events, through carelessness or chance, has lead to my untimely demise. I would categorize that as a mishap related death. 


19. LIZ: Agreed. A fine definition. Rest In Peace, Robert. 


20. (SOUND) VHS cut/skip/wonky noise


21. (SOUND) Nature sounds end


22. (MUSIC) PSA music picks back up again


23. VOICEOVER: Yes! A fine definition. The DMV handles the recycling of earthly souls who have died from either a mishap or violence. We were formed to keep the delicate soul energy transfer between earth and the heavenly and hell dimensions in perfect homeostasis. We’ve created a foolproof system, with cooperation from both heavenly and hell dimensions, to keep the universe in perfect equilibrium. 


Since humans have free will, and circumstances of their death’s aren’t always fair, we aim to alleviate some of this injustice through the Lucky Winner Program. The Lucky Winner Program takes souls reaped by the DMV, in increments of 777, and let’s them have another year on earth in a temporary vessel, chaperoned by one of our top-of-the-line Reapers. 


If you’re seeing this, you’re not one of them! Sorry. What’s next for you? You’ll be meeting-


24. (SOUND) Sinister “Hell’s Bells” type bell


25. VOICEOVER: [intense] KYLE. [back to normal tone]- who will weigh your mortal soul on the scales of justice, against the feather of Ma’at. If your soul is lighter than the feather, he will calculate what level of heavenly dimension your soul gets sent to. 


If it’s not lighter, [intense] he’ll find what severity of hell dimension your evil ass deserves, where you’ll endure a punishment fitting of your heinous earthly misdeeds, you piece of shit. 


[back to normal tone] While you wait for the fate of your soul to be determined, remember: There’s no smoking, of any kind, in the lobby. You may be waiting a while, so please help yourself to a Crystal Pepsi, Ecto Cooler, or Zima from the cooler down the hall. There are no bathrooms, because you’re dead, and you don’t need to piss or shit. 


The DMV: You’re dead! But hey, it could be worse. Best of luck!


26. (SOUND) VHS Cassette eject


27. (SOUND) Static 


28. (MUSIC) Special Today’s Lucky Kyle Intro


SCENE TWO: DMV Break Room: Time??


1. (SOUND) DMV Break room ambience 


2. NARRATOR: Kyle made his way to the DMV break room to-


3. (MUSIC) Kyle’s internal monologue instrumental


4. KYLE: As I walked to the DMV break room-


5. NARRATOR: What? Where’s that music coming from?


6. KYLE: To sit by myself at the little old table in the corner, and enjoy my lunch of a panini and homemade cold brew-


7. NARRATOR: What’s this guy doing? Narrating? And he gets music to denote his internal monologue? This is literally my job. 


8. KYLE: I couldn’t help but wonder, Would there ever be anyone to sit and enjoy a homemade lunch with little old me?   


9. (SOUND) Kyle’s internal monologue instrumental ends 


10. NARRATOR: [annoyed] Oh! So we’re doing this? Cool! I guess I’m not in this episode. Ya’ll have fun. I’m gonna go smoke a bowl and watch Jeopardy. Call me when he’s done playing Sarah Jessica Parker. 


11. (SOUND) Fridge opening 


12. KYLE: [offended, angry sounds] 


13. (SOUND) Pulling something with a liquid out of a refrigerator



14. (SOUND) Footsteps walking in toward Kyle


15. KYLE: Oh! Oh! There they are!


16. RICKY: Hey, Kyle!


17. (SOUND) Fridge closing hard 


18. KYLE: Don’t you “Hey, Kyle” me, you $300 Home Depot Skeleton!


19. RICKY: What?


20. KYLE: [intense, getting really close to Ricky’s skeleton face] I exist in all of time, simultaneously. Past, present, and future happen all at once for me. I am integral to the balance of the universe. I may have the most important job in existence. Sooner or later, everyone meets me. [pause, still mad, less intense] So do you know how hard it is to find the opportunity to get GOOD coffee? My cold brew, which YOU KEEP STEALING- 


21. RICKY: No, I have-


22. KYLE: Don’t you shake your head at me! You’re drinking it out of a mason jar, right in front of me, you fucking hipster. 


23. RICKY: No! This is my-


24. (SOUND) Fridge opening (these following effects are during the end of the Kyle line)


25. (SOUND) pulling a jug of liquid out of a fridge 


26. (SOUND) Fridge closing (right before Kyle stops talking)


27. KYLE: DO NOT INTERRUPT ME. Time and time again, I come to this fridge to refill my tumbler of homemade cold brew, only to find that SOMEONE has left me with only enough for half an iced coffee, at best. I brew this MYSELF. I have to find a way to get coffee from earth, when my job is to be here until the end of time. The coffee farm who grows this dark roast gets destroyed in a hurricane thanks to climate change. Do you know how SMALL of a window I have in human history to go find it? So when I see you- YOUUUU- rattling your bones around here with a jug full of coffee- [beat, surprised noise] What is that? 


28. RICKY: This is YOUR thermos of cold brew. It was in the other fridge. 


29. KYLE: I-I-uh-


30. RICKY: We have the same thermos. I noticed one time when I nearly put mine next to yours one morning. I figured I should put mine in a different fridge. I think you get so frazzled sometimes, you go to the wrong fridge. You’ve been the one taking MY cold brew. 


31. KYLE: B-but my thermos-


32. RICKY: [bashful] We’ve probably swapped thermoses a dozen times. You tend to take mine. It’s okay! Whenever yours has been there a few days, I take it home and wash it. I-I hope you don’t mind. I just-


33. KYLE: I’m so embarrassed. I’m the one who’s been taking your coffee?


34. RICKY: I mean, yeah…but I’m not mad about it. Did you like the coffee today? I get it from this coffee farm in Puerto Rico, in 1962.


35. KYLE: I thought it tasted different from my usual. Y-you really like coffee too, huh?


36. RICKY: It’s only one of the best things humanity has ever done. 


37. KYLE: Right?! Well, I’m so sorry I snapped at you and accidentally keep taking your coffee. 


38. RICKY: Well, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything earlier. I just got so nervous. 


39. KYLE: Oh, I’m really not as scary as everyone thinks I am. You could have told me. 


40. RICKY: [bashful, flirty] Oh, I wasn’t nervous because I think you’re scary. I don’t think you’re scary at all. 


41. (MUSIC) Kyle’s internal monologue instrumental 


42. KYLE: Since Ricky was a glowing skeleton, they lacked the musculature to make facial expressions. Despite this, the look in their empty eye sockets made me weak in the knees. I couldn’t help but wonder, had my coffee conundrum brewed up a venti love connection?


43. (MUSIC) KIMI ends 


44. RICKY: Would…uhh…would you want to maybe get coffee with me sometime? 


45. KYLE: [flirty giggle] Yeahhh, I think I could maybe do that. When would you want to-


46. (SOUND) Beeper beeping


47. KYLE: -Oop, sorry. [annoyed groan] 


48. RICKY: Everything okay?


49. KYLE: It’s a 42069.


50. RICKY: Oh, god. Not again. 


51. (MUSIC) Interstitial 


SCENE THREE: MAINTENANCE: ??


1. (SOUND) Office Ambience 


RITA: (happen during Kyle’s monologue) Debbie, Debbie, DEBBIE, listen Deb. I said LISTEN, DEB. Was I really lying? I DID reap those souls, I just skipped a few. De-Decommisioned? You mean KILL ME? You’re real fucking nonchalant about murder, Deborah. Aren’t angels supposed to be good? I take that as a compliment. The shirt is ironic, Deb. IT’S IRONIC, DEB-BIE. Machine? MACHINE? [scary voice] I SWEAR ON MY LOVE OF WEED, DEBBIE. I’M GONNA CUT YOUR FACE OFF AND EAT IT LIKE A FRUIT ROLL UP. 


2. DEBBIE: (happening during Kyle’s monologue) I swear, you are the most work. Why are you so chatty? Why do you look like that? I don’t understand how they haven’t decommissioned you yet. You’ve caused more trouble than a hundred normal reapers combined. Hold on, does your shirt say “Cult Leader,” because you started a cult while you were on earth? I don’t know why Kyle has such a vested interest in a broken machine. Don’t you talk to me like that, you fucked up fax machine. WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK? 


3 (MUSIC) KIMI


4. KYLE: I don’t exactly fit in around here. Surrounded by angels, reapers, glowing skeletons with a certain charm about them, a solitary Kyle sticks out like a sore thumb. And Rita? She’s a lot like me. From the moment she was made, I’ve felt compelled to look out for her. She’s never made that job easy work, but you know what? Some of the most rewarding things in life, like being a parent or owning a monitor lizard, are a lot of work. But on days like today, I wished Rita were a monitor lizard. 


5. (MUSIC) KIMI Ends 


6. DEBBIE: [pulling herself together to talk to Kyle] Kyle! 


7. RITA: [frantic] Kyle! Kyle, there’s been a huge misunderstanding. You have to convince this angelic anal fissure not to decommission me. 


8. KYLE: [stern, parental] Rita! That’s quite enough. Let me hear what Debbie has to say, and then you can talk. 


9. RITA: But I was just-


10. KYLE: [harshly shushes Rita]


11. RITA: Hmph!


12. KYLE: Debbie, why is Rita here?


13. DEBBIE: During one of our regular audits, we found a large number of souls that had been left unreaped. 


14. KYLE: Uh-huh, that’s kind of the point of the audit. 


15. DEBBIE: We traced all of them back to Rita. 


16. KYLE: Okay? Maybe she’s been given to many to deal with. Why are we talking about decommissioning someone who may just need help?


17. DEBBIE: Upon further investigation, it seems as though there were certain souls that she reaped that had actually been assigned to other reapers. 


18. KYLE: Maybe the other reapers dropped the ball too, and she’s been overwhelmed picking up stragglers? Rita has a hard time keeping track of several tasks at once. 


19. DEBBIE: Is 387 souls enough to convince you that this isn’t an accident?


20. KYLE: RITA!


21. RITA: What?!


22. DEBBIE: 66 have become violent poltergeists. And did you know that she’s had 47 Lucky Winners, in the duration in which those souls were missed. 


23. KYLE: You were cheating your way to Lucky Winners?


24. RITA: I’m not saying anything without my legal counsel. 


25. DEBBIE: You don’t even have any rights. We made you. 


26. KYLE: Don’t you talk to Rita like that!


27. RITA: Yeah! Don’t talk to me like that! Kyle is on my side. 


28. KYLE: I AM on your side, but you’ve clearly done something dishonest. You need to come clean. 


29. DEBBIE: I’d like to invite you to tell us exactly how you cheated your way into getting Lucky Winners. 


30. RITA: I’d like to invite YOU to “ligma”.


31. KYLE: [knowing what Rita’s doing] Debbie, don’t.


32. DEBBIE: L-ligma? Is that a place, or-


32. RITA: LIGMA BAllS, DE-BOR-AHHHH!


33. DEBBIE: God damn it! Let me just get someone here from sanitation to decommission her. This is going nowhere. 


34. KYLE: [terrified] NO! No, I mean- sure, she’s a handful, but her track record beyond this is actually quite good. Her first real gig was the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction. An extinction event! And she nailed it. 


35. RITA: Yeah, Debbie. I fucking nailed it. 


36. KYLE: Thin ice, Rita. 


37. DEBBIE: [sigh] What do you suggest?


38. KYLE: I say she’s grounded-


39. RITA: [gasp]


40. KYLE: - and I’ll put together a list of places I think she could be rehabilitated. We can talk to the higher ups about it too. [to Rita] I WILL need to know exactly how, why, and how many times you cheated though, Rita. I may have a ton of pull here, but I can’t convince them to NOT decommission you or send you to a hell dimension, should you do this again. 


41. DEBBIE: Maybe she should be rehabilitated in a hell dimension?


42. RITA: NO!


43. KYLE: NO! No, that’s totally the wrong- fuck. 


44. DEBBIE: What?


45. KYLE: Uhhh…I-I’m late for a meeting with the higher ups. Rita, how about you talk with Debbie about the details of your lying and cheating, and she can fill me in. That will help me find the best way to rehabilitate you. You hurt a lot of people doing this. I know your motivations were born out of how much you love humans, but you hurt them in the process. You talk to Debbie, and I’ll be back later. 


46. RITA: FINE! I HATE YOU!


47. KYLE: That’s your prerogative. You don’t have to like me, but you WILL respect me. Do you understand me?


48. RITA: [makes a really big mouth fart noise] 


49. KYLE: I’ll take that as a yes. Debbie, you can take it from here. I’ve really got to go. 


50. DEBBIE: Yeah, No problem. 


51. (SOUND) Kyle walking away, following lines slightly fading out


52. RITA: [to Debbie] Okay, Little Debbie. I’ll talk. But before I tell you everything, I also need to see Bofa-deez. 


53. DEBBIE: Uhh..I don’t think I know them. Are they an angel? Who is Bofa-


54. RITA: BOFA-DEEZ NUTS!


55. DEBBIE: [angry yell]


56. RITA: [absolutely losing it laughing]


57. KYLE: [sigh] 


58. (MUSIC) KIMI


59. KYLE: Not all of the human things I’ve adopted are as purely good as coffee. I’ve also had to learn how to lie. I didn’t have a meeting with the higher ups. Well, I technically always have one, and I never have one. And I’m having one right now. It seems hypocritical that I admonish Rita for lying, but my lie wasn’t for selfish purposes. It’s hard experiencing all of time at once. I’d had that conversation with Debbie and Rita a million times. Yet, I’d also never had it before, and I was having it in the moment. Past, present, and future happening at the same time, along infinite timelines, is a lot to process. It messes with things like making appointments, or scheduling coffee dates with glowing skeleton people. 


But, it’s getting easier to handle. No, that’s not a good thing. Something happening on earth, in most timelines, is causing earth to just END. That thing that happened is my fault. I had to leave that moment with Debbie and Rita to execute part of my plan to fix it. We track our currently chaperoning reapers with Lucky Winners, to make sure they’re okay. I had a reaper to check in on. As I walked to my desk, I couldn’t help but wonder, would there ever be anyone to to check in on me? There WAS someone who was always checking on on what I do, the DMV. That’s why I had to do this work in as much privacy as I could. The DMV is always watching me. Much like how New York City is almost like a character itself, in problematic 90’s TV shows about sex and cities, it’s like the DMV is a character in my story. 


60. (MUSIC) KIMI ends


61. (SOUND) Kyle’s footsteps end 


62. (SOUND) Someone sitting in an office chair 


63. (SOUND) Typing on a mechanical keyboard 


64. KYLE: [softly, to himself] Okay, girls. Let me pull up the reaper tracker, and see where you are now. 


65. (SOUND) Hard “enter” keep tap on keyboard


66. (SOUND) Audio from Ep10is coming from a shitty computer speaker, softer than Kyle. Ep10 lines denoted with a * and green highlight


*DAWN: [sigh] I hate to suggest it, and it’s a bad idea, but it’s the only one I’ve got. You need to poof us somewhere safe.


*RITA: The-the truck.


*DAWN: I don’t know if the vampires have found the ice cream truck. It may not be safe right now. We can come back for it. We just need somewhere safe. Anywhere.


*(SOUND) Banging on door


*RITA: [still having trouble breathing] Apartment?


*DAWN: Carmilla figured out who I am. That may not be safe right now either. We need someplace to go where I can take care of your leg a little better too. 


*(SOUND) Banging on door, louder


*DAWN: Rita! They’re gonna bust in here any second. We HAVE to go. Come on. You can do this. Think of somewhere safe. 


*DAWN: I trust you. Poof us somewhere safe. We’re gonna be fine. 


*(SOUND) RITA BAMF


67. KYLE: [happening during highlighted audio, softly to himself] Yes, exactly where you need to be, ladies. Come on Rita, you’ve got this, kiddo. You can do it. You need to think of your soulmate, Sunny. That’s the only way this is going to work. Poof to Sunny. She’s your safe place. You can do it. Yes! Now, here’s where I come in. 


68. (SOUND) Fast typing 


69. (SOUND) Taps the “enter” key really hard. 


70. KYLE: [softly to himself. Sincerely caring about Dawn and Rita] Yes! Got it. Redirected your poof to 1968. I believe in you. Sorry I’m going to have to pretend to be mad at you, next time we talk. Give that vampire cult hell, ladies. 


71. (SOUND) Intercom buzz


72. SAMANTHA: [through phone] Hey, Kyle,


73. KYLE: Samantha! Hey, girl. What do you have for me? 


74. SAMANTHA: [through phone] Well, you have a new Lucky Winner to process, but there’s something much more important. 


75. KYLE: What’s that?


76. SAMANTHA: [through phone] Did I see you flirting with Ricky in the break room? 


77. KYLE: [giggle] Girllll, stop! I was hardly flirting. 


78. SAMANTHA: [through phone] Please, I saw that look in your eyes. You want them to take you to the Bone Zone, and I don’t mean Ricky’s home dimension that’s full of glowing skeletons like them. Smaaaash them, babe. You’re eternal, you deserve to have a little boner buddy. 


79. KYLE: [having a fun Kiki, giggly] You are so bad! 


80. SAMANTHA: [through phone] What? All I’m saying is that I get it. I once had a three way with a glowing skeleton and a hobgoblin back in college. The lights were off, but the green glow of their bones illuminated our writhing-


81. KYLE: Sis, you know I love a good slut story, but I need to process this Lucky Winner. Tell me the rest at brunch with Charlotte and Miranda? 


82. SAMANTHA: [through phone] You’re right, I’m just excited for you. We’ll finish this over mimosas. [beat] Let’s see, I’ll send you the file on your Lucky Winner here in a sec, and she should be dropping in any moment. 


83. KYLE: Great. What’s her name? 


84. SAMANTHA: Uhhh, Dawn. Dawn Menendez. 


85. KYLE: [perks up at her name, knows he’s got work to do] Oh! Okay, yeah. Thank you! I’m get her processed. 


86. SAMANTHA: You bet, babe. I can’t wait to hear all about your Big Bone. 


87. KYLE: [giggly] Oh my godddd, Samantha. You are TOO MUCH!


88. (SOUND) Phone beep


89. (SOUND) Portal noise from Ep1


90. (SOUND) Party Horn Noise from Ep 1


91. (SOUND) Dawn yell from Ep 1


92. (SOUND) Fast forward noise


93. (MUSIC) KIMI


94. KYLE: Okay, it’s show time. I’ve done this over and over again. I can’t fuck it up. Dawn wasn’t meant to be here this early, and I can’t let her have died in vain. I need to play this just right. Her, Rita, and Sunny finding each other is critical. I’ve made sure she’s a Lucky Winner. I took a page from Rita’s book, and I cheated so that Rita would be the one that reaped her. 


We weighed her soul, and I think I’ve gotten her scared enough at the prospect of hell that she’s motivated to investigate her death. Lastly, I’ve gotta pull some reverse psychology by telling Rita not to interfere. It’s time to make her distaste for authority work for me [beat] God, those acting classes I took at that heavenly community center are getting a lot more use than I thought they would. As I prepared to send Dawn and Rita on THE most important Lucky Winner year that’s ever happened, I couldn’t help but wonder, [serious this time, concerned] what else was I sending Dawn and Rita into? 


95. (SOUND) Audio from Ep1, SC3, Lines 40-43 (* highlighted)


(PAUSE) And Rita? You’d better not mess around. You understand me? I’m not entirely certain you didn’t cheat your way to another 777th soul again. If you’re caught doing anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to interfere with humanity, they’re going to decommission you. 


RITA: Decommission me?! As in erase me? Are you fucking joking?! My crimes have been victimless. Mostly. 


KYLE: I’m not kidding. There’s a note about it in Dawn’s file. Upper management has had it with you. Tread lightly. 


RITA: (SIGH) Fine. I seriously doubt this dork is going to get me in any trouble anyway.


96. (SOUND) Fast forward noise 


97. KYLE: Okay! I got those two sent off. Things are going smoothly so far. Could this be the one that sticks? Oop, time to check the reaper tracker. 


98. (SOUND) KIMI ends 


99. (SOUND) Typing on keyboard 


100. (SOUND) Hard tap of the “enter” key


101. KYLE: Okay, take the drugs Rita. You only have a corporeal body for a year, take advantage of that.


102. (SOUND) audio from Ep1, SC4, Lines 46-60. Old audio denoted by * and highlight 


*DAWN: There are menus in the drawer by the microwave. 


*(SOUND) Drawer opening. 


*DAWN: You find them? There’s a really good Thai place that delivers. 


*(SOUND) pill bottle in the distance.


* DAWN: Rita? (Pause) You find them? You okay?


* RITA: First of all, don’t freak out. Only magical stuff can kill me. 


* DAWN: Saying “Don’t freak out” is probably the worst thing you could say if you don’t want me to freak out. 


* RITA: I found the pills that you took before you died. 


* DAWN: Yeah?


* RITA: I took them. All of them.


* DAWN: Why would you do that?! 


* RITA: LISTEN, YOU’RE ABOUT TO THANK ME. 


* DAWN: WHY WOULD I THANK YOU FOR TAKING SLEEPING PILLS?!


* RITA: BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT SLEEPING PILLS. I don’t quite understand my fast reaper metabolism, but they’ve already kicked in.


* DAWN: What are they, then?


103. (SOUND) Click (turned off reaper tracker


104. KYLE: Yes! Everything is right on schedule. I knew I could count on my girl to take a bottle of mystery pills. 


105. (SOUND) Beeper Peeping


106. KYLE: Oops! I’m being summoned. [beat] Oh, I’m being summoned from outside the DMV? And this isn’t an alchemist. Interesting. Okay. I should change out of my work outfit and pop over. 


107. (SOUND) BAMF 


108. (SOUND) Portal noise 


109. (Sound) Same Audio from Ep 25, NOT through a TV


(SOUND) Same Death effects from the Donkey Lady Bridge episode (16)


VALERIA: Enough with the dramatic entrance. I don’t know why you celestial beings make with the theatrical bullshit. You know how long it took me to make this potion? 


DEATH: Fuck, okay. I exist in all times and beyond the laws of physics. You didn’t summon me from down the street. 


VALERIA: You’re a force of nature. It shouldn’t take three months and my left tit to get ahold of you. 


DEATH: [amused] You’re not scared of me, huh? 


VALERIA: I’m chronically ill. There are some days that I hurt so bad, you sound like the preferable option. 


DEATH: [genuine] I’m so sorry. 


VALERIA: Yeah, yeah. No reason to cry about it. I need you to do something for me. 


DEATH: I didn’t catch a name. 


VALERIA: [annoyed] I’m Valeria Menendez, and I need you to do something for me. I need you to kill my daughter. 


DEATH: I’m sorry, I don’t take requests. 


VALERIA: I saw it. At the end of everything. I saw what happens. I think I can help keep it from happening. 


DEATH: You know?


VALERIA Yep. 


DEATH: Okay. Let’s talk. But you’re gonna have to dispell the surveillance enchantment in your necklace first. 


VALERIA: Oh, God damn it, NATE! 


110. (SOUND) click clack noises why she fumbles with the necklace. 


111. VALERIA: Alright. That should do it. Sorry about that. 


112. DEATH: No, you’re fine. I’ve been expecting to hear from you. I just needed to make sure this was a timeline where you had seen it. 


113. VALERIA: There’s a timeline where I don’t? 


114. DEATH: Several. 


115. VALERIA: Huh, well, in this one, I need you to kill my daughter. I think if you— if you do- I’m sorry, I just don’t know where to look when I talk, since I don’t have a face. 


116. DEATH: Here, yeah. Let me change back into my work outfit. It’s always so weird having to try to talk to humans like this. I feel naked. And none of you ever know where to look. 


117. (SOUND) BAMF


118. KYLE: Here we go! I think this’ll be easier for us both. And it feels weird for people to call me Death when I’m wearing khakis. You can call me Kyle. 


119. VALERIA: Kyle? Seriously? 


120. KYLE: Yep! Here. 


121. (SOUND) BAMF


122. KYLE: Let’s drink some coffee and have a chat. I think we need to set up a life-or-death play date with our daughters. 


123. VALERIA: You have a daughter?


124. KYLE: Yep. Her name’s Rita. 


125. (MUSIC) Outtro