Today’s Lucky Winner

Dopplebanger

August 01, 2021 Season 1 Episode 22
Today’s Lucky Winner
Dopplebanger
Show Notes Transcript

In this episode, there’s a small glitch in Rita’s dreamscape matrix. We learn how to supplement our IRA with silver. We meet a character who’s kind of a big deal. No joke. You’re gonna cream your jeans about it. We spend some time listening to public radio, and we’ve added the Armadillo Art Festival to our calendars. Rita enjoys some trail mix. Cooter is at your service. 

Cast:
Narrator, Willie, Sub,  -  Sean Turner @seanwkturner

Dawn, Hacker Vamp - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid

 Driver, Otto, -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale

Thiccums,  Dominatrix, Rider, Carmilla - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222

Rita, Dopplebanger, Blaze, Journal, Mystery Woman   - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson
 
Special Guest Voice
Ambrogio - Xander Zweig @xanderzweigofficial

Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original theme music  by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original music by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

Mixgnomer Website
https://www.mixgnomer.com/

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Rating Introduction:


1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.


Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 


Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 


Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for you.


SCENE ONE: Rita’s Dreamscape, Infinite Hallway: Time???


1. NARRATOR: Dawn opened her eyes, and found herself in Rita’s dreamscape. The infinite hallway sprawled endlessly to either side of her, no door the same as the last. As she walked down the hallway, she heard the muffle sounds of what was taking place beyond each door.


2. DAWN: [frustrated sigh] Again? Why do I always have to go find Rita? Wouldn’t it make more sense for me to just appear wherever she is? Do I really need to walk down a hallway full of audio gags until I find her? (Pause) I guess that’s a yes. Better start walking.


3. (SOUND) Dawn footsteps to door. 


4. NARRATOR: Dawn approached a mahogany door, bearing a gold nameplate that said “W.Lonquist, Esq.” She stopped to listen.


5. (SOUND) fade in and out muffled large truck backing up and beeping 


6. (SOUND) Muffled Cars honking


7. (SOUND) Muffled Angry drivers


8. (SOUND) muffled Ass clap sounds


9. THICCUMS: [muffled] Ohhh, my thicc DUMPTRUCK ass is blocking traffic. What an unfortunate affliction, for me, a construction worker. 


10. DRIVER: [muffled] Get outta the road!


11. THICCUMS: [muffled] I’m trying, it just takes me SO LONG to clap my cheeks from one side of the road to the other. Oh, Clarence, do fetch the forklift for my JUICY DUMPER. Heavens, I hope I don’t cause some sort of automotive collision. 


12. (SOUND) Muffled car crash


13. WILLIE: [muffled] Were you injured in a car wreck? Was that car wreck caused by a dumptruck (beat) ASSED-construction worker bussin’ it open while they crossed the road? I’ll get you the money YOU deserve. Call me, Willie Lonquist, THE STRONG FIST. I’ll give em’ the STRONG FIST, until YOU get the money you deserve. 


14. (SOUND) Dawn’s footsteps get faster as she walks down the hallway


15. DAWN: Alright! Time to find another promising looking door. Even is she WAS in there, I don’t want to hear “THE STRONG FIST” in action. 


16. (SOUND) Footsteps stop


17. DAWN: What’s this door? [reading a sign on a door] Domme Mommy’s Coffee Roasters and Tax Preparation services. 


18. (SOUND) muffled whip cracks


19. DOMINATRIX: (muffled) Give me an espresso grind on these beans!


20. SUB: (muffled) I don’t have a coffee grinder!


21. (SOUND) Muffled whip crack


22. DOMINATRIX: USE YOUR TEETH!


23. SUB: [scared, horny, chewing on coffee beans] Mmm…beans so gooood. Baby loves beans. 


24. DOMINATRIX: That’s right, baby DO love beans. Now chew on them beans while you organize this box of receipts! If you don’t get the maximum refund, Mommy’s gonna punish you. 


25. (SOUND) Whip Crack, Dawn has walked by


26. DAWN: Oh no. Is Rita’s love of coffee a sexual thing? [beat] Why am I asking? Of course, it is. [pause, calling out for Rita] Rita! Ritaaaa! [frustrated] Rita, get the fuck-


27. DOPPLEBANGER: Hello, small friend. 


28. DAWN: Jesus, Rita. [looking around] Where the fuck did you come from? I didn’t hear a door open. 


29. DOPPLEBANGER: Haha! This is my dreamscape. 


30. DAWN: Uhhh…I guess you’re right. You can probably appear wherever you want, it IS your Dreamscape. [pause] What’s up with you. You seem weird, and not the usual kind of weird. What’s this shirt? This shirt makes no sense.


31. DOPPLEBANGER: I love wearing shirts that contain adult language and sexual content!


32. DAWN: [Even more suspicious] Uh-huh. I know, but like I said, they usually make sense. This one does NOT. [reading shirt]  “Pussy can scream. Buy gold NOW!”


33. DOPPLEBANGER: Pussy can scream!


34. DAWN: Yeah, I just read that. What does it mean?


35. DOPPLEBANGER: Pussy can scream! Buy gold [Scary voice filter] NOW! [SVF end] Small friend. Tiny friend. My girlfriend is a lesbian vampire doctor!


36. DAWN: Uhh…Rita? You okay? 


37. DOPPLEBANGER: Peanut butter! Pea [SVF] NUT. [SVF ends] Pussy can scream! [glitching] P-p-pussy can scream! B-b-buy Gold. Buy G-gold [scary voice filter] NOW! PUSSY GOLD NOW! Inflation! Inflation! Big mommy milkers. 


38. DAWN: What the FUCK is happening?!


39. (This line happens while Rita and Dawn are talking)


40. DOPPLEBANGER: [completely glitching] Pussy can SCREAM! Supplement your IRA with [scary voice filter] SILVER. [SVF ends] National debt. National debt. [SVF] KRUGERRAND [SVF ENDS] B-be prepared for the robot uprising. Minimum wage hasn’t increased to meet the cost of inflation. PUSSY SCREAM. SCREAM! B-b-banks will crumble with the death of capitalism. [SVF] GOLD MAKE THAT PUSSY SCREAM! [SVF ENDS] Hide the gold in your mattress. Save your pee, you’ll have to drink it to survive [SVF] THE WASTELAND. Fixed rate loans. Fixed rate PUSSY. 


41. RITA: Hey, Li’l Buddy. 


42. DAWN: [spooked because Rita just showed up behind her] Jesus Christ. 


43. RITA: What are you doing with my Dopplebanger? She’s not even finished. 


44. DAWN: Your WHAT? Why are there two of you?!


45. RITA: My Dopplebanger. So when someone tells me to “go fuck myself,” I can actually do it. 


46. DAWN: Of course. Why else would you have a copy of yourself here? Why is she…you know, off? 


47. RITA: Well, although I can make anything I can imagine in the dreamscape, it turns out that my perception of myself is a little harder to iron out. I stopped working on her when I learned I’m not a reaper. I can’t finish making her, if I don’t even know what I’m making. 


48. DAWN: Can you make her shut up? 


49. RITA: Oh! Oh yeah. I guess she is glitching a little, huh? One sec. 


50. (SOUND) RITA BAMF 


51. RITA: Hey! Hey there, hot stuff!


52. (END previous Dopplebanger line.)


53. DOPPLEBANGER: Buy gold now? 


54. RITA: Yeah, gorgeous! You see this big bag of weed?


55. DOPPLEBANGER: P-pizza rolls. 


56. RITA: Uh-huh. Sure. You want this weed?


57. DOPPLEBANGER: Boobies! Boobies!


58. (SOUND) Opening door


59. RITA: Go get it!


60. DOPPLEBANGER: [fading out] Pillsssssss


61. (SOUND) Door closing 


62. DAWN: What was through that door?


63. RITA: I don’t know. Who can say?


64. DAWN: You. You can. This is your brain. (Beat) Speaking of, what’s with all the money stuff? Lawsuits? Tax Preparation? “BUY GOLD!”


65. RITA: Oh, back when I started looking up money making schemes, to get cash for taking Sunny on a date, I supremely fucked up the ad algorithm. I’ve been getting so many ads about money related stuff, whenever I do research for your murder, it’s leaked into my dreamscape. 


66. DAWN: [sigh] And by “do research” you mean…


67. RITA: [under her breath] Watch porn. 


68. DAWN: [knows exactly what Rita just said] What was that?


69. RITA: WATCH PORN!


70. DAWN: Mhm. That’s what I thought. Is that why there’s a dominatrix calculating tax deductions down the hall?


71. RITA: WHOA! There is?! Where?


72. DAWN: NO! FOCUS! If I’m here, that means the Rider is probably here. Or…or you are dreaming about your time as the Rider. Or whatever, you know what I mean. [pause] Where should we go look? 


73. RITA: [scared] I-I don’t know. 


74. DAWN: Do you have an educated guess?


75. RITA: [freaking out] I don’t know! Okay?!


76. DAWN: Rita, why are you freaking out?


77. RITA: I-I…That last Rider dream was- something bad happens in that memory, Dawn. Something really bad happens, and I don’t remember what. I just know my heart aches thinking about going back there. 


78. NARRATOR: Dawn saw tears welling up in Rita’s eyes. She could read the emotional pain in her posture. She wasn’t using her gangly arms to gesture as she talked, like she usually did. She had them wrapped around her own torso, as though her arms were going to protect her from whatever past emotional trauma of hers they were about to revisit. This was a kind of scared that Dawn had never seen on her friend. She grabbed one of the hands Rita had plastered to herself. 


79. DAWN: Hey, I can’t know exactly how you’re feeling, but I imagine it’s all really confusing. I didn’t know I was a witch, and I’m still having a hard time accepting that. You don’t even have the luxury of knowing what you are yet. 


80. RITA: Dawn, what if I’m the one who does the bad thing, in that memory? What if I’m a bad person? 


81. DAWN: Impossible. 


82. RITA: You can’t know that. 


83. DAWN: My autistic people reading skills are unparalleled. When I know, I know. You know how confident we are that Sunny is good to the core, and that she’d never hurt anyone?


84. RITA: Yeah. 


85. DAWN: I’m that confident about you too. [pause] Now, I’m also pretty fucking confident that you know exactly where to go to find the Rider memory. I know it’s hard, but the sooner you lead us there, the sooner this will be over, and you’ll be waking up next to Sunny. 


86. RITA: [sigh] Yeah, you’re right. 


87. DAWN: I won’t let go of your hand, okay? I’ll be right here the whole time. 


88. RITA: Thanks, Li’l Buddy. 


89. (SOUND) Footsteps walking down the hallway 


90. NARRATOR: Rita slowly ambled down the hallway. She turned to a door on her right. It was an old, wooden door, with a stained glass panel at the top. A sign affixed underneath the small window said “Sunnyvale Southern Baptist Assembly”. 


91. RITA: I think this is it. I told myself to hide it behind a door I’d never enter on purpose. There’s no way I’d go looking for fun at a Southern Baptist church. 


92. DAWN: You ready?


93. RITA: As I’ll ever be. 


94. (SOUND) Door opening 


95. NARRATOR: With her free hand, Dawn opened the door. Once again, they found themselves in the thatched roof home where they had last seen the Rider. 


96. (SOUND) Nightime ambience 


97. (SOUND) Fire crackle 


98. DAWN: It looks like they’re all alone. 


99. RITA: They’re still in the trap. 


100. RIDER: [pained groan]


101. DAWN: How long do you think it’s been since we’ve last been here? 


102. RITA: Weeks. 


103. DAWN: How do you know?


104. RIDER: [pained groan]


105. RITA: I remember. 


106. (SOUND) Crack of thunder


107. (SOUND) Smoke bomb


108. (SOUND) Earthquake


109. NARRATOR: In the corner nearest where the Rider was trapped, a plume of red smoke appeared, with a crack of thunder, and pulled itself into a humanoid shape. As the earth trembled, the red smoke dissipated. A handsome dark haired man, in an anachronistic three piece suit, now stood where the vague, humanoid shape once was. 


110. DAWN: What’s happening? Who is that? 


111. AMBROGIO: [really laying it on thick] Oh, you poor darling. I thought I could feel a pained soul calling out from this dimension. 


112. DAWN: Rita? Rita?


113. RIDER: [in physical pain] Quite the entrance. 


114. AMBROGIO: Oh! Why, thank you. I always like to try to make a good first impression. 


115. RIDER: I never said it was a good. 


116. NARRATOR: Dawn looked to her friend to comment on the scene playing out in front of them. Rita had become catatonic. Dawn squeezed her hand tighter and just watched.  


117. AMBROGIO: [chuckles] Oh, I like you. These humans have been torturing you in this trap for weeks, and you still manage to have a sense of humor. 


118. RIDER: I wasn’t being funny. [pained groan] Now, whatever trickster or hobgoblin you are, just go. You can take anything of mine once they’ve killed me. Let me die in peace. 


119. AMBROGIO: Oh, no. I’m afraid you have quite the wrong idea. I’m no minor trickster or, [shudders] hobgoblin. I’m from an up and coming hell dimension, and I’m here to make you a deal. A deal nobody has ever been made before. 


120. RIDER: I’m not making a deal with some demon. I was created by Death. I don’t work with your kind. They’ll come back to help me. They’ll save me. 


121. AMBROGIO: You don’t believe that at all. You said just a second ago that you believe you’ll die here. 


122. RIDER: I-I- they made me. They wouldn’t let me die. Not like this. 


123. AMBROGIO: It seems like they would, doesn’t it? How do they know the value of life, when they are Death incarnate? You are disposable to them. Every living thing is. They don’t CARE about you. They never could. [beat] But I could. If you take my deal, you’ll never be alone again. And I’ll help you get revenge on that sorceress and her whole village. 


124. RIDER: The sorceress has been kind to me. She never hurt me. 


125. AMBROGIO: [feigned righteous indignation, winning them over] She hasn’t stopped the men in the village from getting drunk and beating you nightly, through this trap! Every FUCKING night, they throw rocks at you through this magical prison. She may not have picked up a rock herself, but she hasn’t stopped them. She hasn’t found a way to summon your master, like she promised! She’s been wasting your time worrying about her son. If she had thought about anyone but herself and that child of hers, you wouldn’t be here! By not trying to end your suffering, she is complicit in every single one of your wounds. 


126. RIDER: How- how did you know all of that? Have you been watching me?


127. AMBROGIO: [back to being charming] Okay, guilty as charged. I’ve been watching for a little while. I was going to make a deal with that witch’s awful husband, and naturally, saddle him with a real doozy of a monkey’s paw, but then I saw you here. A Demi-god in need? It’s my cosmic duty to help. And it doesn’t look like you have much of a choice. 


128. RIDER: Wh-who are you?


129. AMBROGIO: Oh, how terribly rude of me, my dear. I got ahead of myself. My name is Ambrogio, King of Hell, and I want you to help me start a family. 


130. RIDER: What the fuck?


131. (MUSIC) Interstitial 


132. (AD REEL) 


SCENE TWO: Texas Timeline: 9:00 AM


1. (SOUND) Static 


2. (SOUND) Texas Timeline Intro 


3. OTTO: Good morning, my fellow Texans. How did you enjoy hearing from our friend Hunter Chumley from the Arma-dee-yo Artist’s Society? Don’t forget, you can see all of the arma-dee-yo themed art your heart can handle, including Mr. Chumley’s sci-fi themed arma-dee-yo taxidermy, at the arma-dee-yo art festival in downtown Fredricksburg next weekend. 


    On a less whimsical note, yet still a happy one, I’d like to welcome Carmilla Gwyar back to the Texas Timeline. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t know why she’s come to talk to us, unless you’ve been in a coma or something since yesterday-


4. CARMILLA: [chuckle] 


5. OTTO: [chuckle] -but in case you missed the big news from last night, the Telomere Bill has passed. Aging has now been designated as a disease. Why is this important? That means that pharmaceuticals can be created for the treatment and prevention of aging now. Back with us is the now, well, you’re immortal in your own way-


6. CARMILLA: [fake laugh] Oh, I’m just a regular human age!


7. OTTO: [chuckle] -back with us to discuss the big news is Dallas icon, and Sanguis Pharmaceutical’s CEO, Carmilla Gwyar. 


8. CARMILLA: I’m elated to be here. 


9. BLAZE: [clears throat]


10. OTTO: [fucking mad that Blaze is here at all] Yes, and we can’t forget public radio’s own Blaze Chapman, leather jacket owner and anarcho-socialist author of Molotov Shocktail. 


11. BLAZE: Happy to be here, Otto. 


12. OTTO: [dismissive of Blaze] Mhm, So glad you could join us, CARMILLA. Now, I almost don’t know where to start. How are you feeling?


13. BLAZE: I’m fee-


14. OTTO: How are you feeling, CARMILLA? 


15. CARMILLA: Like a weight has been lifted, a collective weight, for humanity. Otto, once we get FDA approval, we could have a world without cancer. 


16. OTTO: Incredible. 


17. CARMILLA: [fake tears] I am just so blessed to have a hand in this at all. 


18. BLAZE: Ugh. Blech. 


19. OTTO: You’ve had more than a hand in this Carmilla. This wouldn’t be happening without your vision and generosity. 


20. CARMILLA: That’s too kind of you, Otto. 


21. OTTO: So what can we expect the next step on the road to this longevity drug to look like? I, for one, want to be first in line to take it. 


22. CARMILLA: [fake laugh] It could be sooner than you think! Our next step is to start human trials. 


23. OTTO: And when can we look forward to that?


24. CARMILLA: Tomorrow. 


25. BLAZE: WHAT?! WHY IS THERE SUCH A RUSH? HOW ARE YOU- [MIC IS CUT] 


26. OTTO: [fake upset] Ohhhh noooo, Blaze! We seem to be having some technical difficulties, and your mic got cut. We’ll see if our intern, Sage, can get that fixed. [drastic tone change, talking to Carmilla] Tomorrow, you say! That’s incredible! 


27. CARMILLA: It is! We’ve been chomping at the bit to start these human trials, and we’re not looking to waste time on the road to saving lives. You could be picking up…well, I guess here is as good as any place to reveal the name of the longevity drug. 


28. OTTO: [gasp]


29. CARMILLA: You could be picking up your prescription of Telomeraid, as quickly as 6 months from now. 


30. BLAZE: [very muffled in background, inaudible screaming] 


31. OTTO: [aside to Blaze] That is quite enough. You’re being rude, Blaze. 


32. BLAZE: [inaudible screaming]


33. OTTO: DAMN IT BLAZE, I’M GONNA STICK MY BOOT UP YOUR


34. (SOUND) Cut 


35. (MUSIC) Some smooth ass “hold music” while they kick Blaze out


36. (SOUND) Music cuts, back to show


37. OTTO: [trying to act calm, still worked up, slightly out of breath] I’m so sorry about that folks. We had quite the disruption there. [pause] Ms. Gwyar-


38. CARMILLA: [faux reprimand] Otto, what the heck have I told you about that “Ms. Gwyar” business? 


39. OTTO: [chuckles] Carmilla! I’m so sorry. Let’s get back to talking about Telomeraid. How is it that you expect to have it available to the public in 6 months? Are you getting emergency approval from the FDA?


40. CARMILLA: As much as we’ve already tried to lobby for emergency approval, the FDA doesn’t seem to understand the gravity of the situation. Approximately 40% of humans will be diagnosed with cancer at some point in their lives. 


41. OTTO: [sad at that percentage] Wow. 


42. CARMILLA: And 100% will succumb to aging. How is this not a pandemic? 


43. OTTO: I’m guessing the FDA has some opinions on why it’s not really a pandemic. 


44. CARMILLA: They do, and they have some trust issues about the science, and the methods we’re going to enact to make sure we can offer Telomeraid to everyone for free. I’m not holding my breath for the FDA to see reason. 


45. OTTO: That further begs the question- How do you expect to have this available to the public in 6 months?


46. CARMILLA: Because I plan on changing the law itself to save lives. People are smart. They can do their own research. I don’t think any substance should be illegal. Give people the right to choose what they want to do for themselves. I’ll be lobbying to give people that right. 


47. OTTO: So you’re seeking to make it so that Telomeraid doesn’t NEED FDA approval to be distributed? 


48. CARMILLA: Or any drug, for that matter. This is a global emergency. The government should mind their own business. I’m going to work on making this a reality here in America, but I encourage folks in other countries to do the same. You’re smart. You can decide for yourselves. Telomeraid will give you freedom like you’ve never known before. [more sinister] Trust me. 


49. (SOUND) Static 


SCENE THREE: Morning: Dawn’s Room


1. (SOUND) Rita is searching for something. Tearing apart her room


2. (SOUND) Footsteps walking into doorway 


3. NARRATOR: Dawn walked into her room with her journal in hand, to find Rita’s ass in the air. Dawn noticed a concerning brown mystery stain across the back pocket of Rita’s jeans, as she threw things out of Dawn’s desk. 


4. DAWN: What the fuck are you doing in my room? 


5. RITA: Where is that last calling candle?


6. DAWN: What? Why?


7. RITA: I have to call Kyle.


8. DAWN: No way! That’s for an emergency. 


9. RITA: This IS a fucking emergency. 


10. DAWN: How so?


11. RITA: What happened in the fucking dreamscape, Dawn? Huh? What did we see last night?


12. DAWN: I know, I know. Seeing Ambrogio had to be scary. 


13. RITA: Seeing him talking to someone that could very well be past me is FUCKED. It’s fucked! 


14. DAWN: Rita, it’s okay. You don’t need to-


15. RITA: He called the Rider a Demi-god. I don’t even know what those are. 


16. DAWN: Well, in myth, they’re half god, half human. 


17. RITA: Well, in REALITY, where I live, gods don’t exist. So what the fuck are they then?


18. DAWN: I don’t know. 


19. RITA: That’s why I need to call Kyle. That handsome, khaki wearing son of a bitch knows SOMETHING. There’s no way he doesn’t. I’m gonna find out. 


20. DAWN: And you think you’re going to get that information out of him in the minute and a half that these candles seem to last? If he’s been hiding something from you for 66 million years, do you really think you’re going to get the answers you deserve in the time a calling candle gives you?


21. RITA: [realizing she’s right] No, no I don’t. 


22. DAWN: I know you’re confused, and angry, and scared. We can figure this out together. There has to be a reason that you’re my chaperone. Whatever the deal is with my murder, you not being a reaper has to be related. We’ll get answers together. 


23. RITA: [sigh] You’re right. I-I’m sorry. I just keep getting more questions, every time I go looking for answers. What deal did I make with Ambrogio? 


24. DAWN: Well, we don’t even know that the Rider is you for sure. And we don’t know that The Rider took Ambrogio up on his deal. 


25. RITA: Sure as fuck seems like they’re me. They can poof. 


26. DAWN: They ARE shorter than you. 


27. RITA: I can be any height I want. Maybe I felt like being a shortie back then. 


28. DAWN: Whatever, still, that doesn’t negate that fact that we don’t have any concrete evidence either way. 


29. RITA: [sigh] FINE! I guess jumping to conclusions isn’t the answer. What do you suggest we do now? 


30. DAWN: Well, I came looking for you to tell you what I’ve learned from the talking journal. 


31. RITA: Did you listen to the rest of the messages from your uncle Nate?


32. DAWN: I did. Most of them were concerned messages, since I hadn’t found The Workshop yet. 


33. RITA: And the rest of them?


34. (SOUND) Pill bottle being handled 


35. DAWN: The rest of them blamed you for probably getting me too high to function, so I couldn’t do the basic problem solving necessary to find the Workshop. 



36. RITA: Hey! I’m not THAT bad. 


37. DAWN: Uh-huh. And what pills did you take just now? 


38. RITA: I don’t know. This is trail mix.


39. DAWN: Uh-huh. And what does “trail mix” mean to you?


40. RITA: I mixed a bunch of my stash together, like a pharmaceutical trail mix. I take a few things, maybe an upper, a downer, and some heart worm medication-


41. DAWN: Heart worm??


42. RITA: I did a little shopping at the vet clinic next to that coffee shop you like, yesterday. 


43. DAWN: I wondered where you went. 


44. RITA: ANYWAY, I dumped a bunch of my stash together with some chocolate chips. What kind of high will it be? Who knows! It’s different every time. And I’m safe from heart worms for the next month. 


45. DAWN: [sarcastic] Wow, amazing. How do you come up with this stuff?


46. RITA: [not reading the sarcasm] I don’t know, it’s no big deal. Sometimes I just get really good ideas. I should keep an idea journal.


47. DAWN: Uh-huh. You do that. Like I was saying, the messages were mostly concerned. There were a few messages where he went off and talked about stuff from when I was a kid. He talked about my short stint on that soccer team, mathletes, and my former special interest with cars. His tone was off, too. I need to listen to them again. 


48. RITA: Why didn’t he just tell you where the Workshop is in one of his messages?


49. DAWN: Like he said before, they can be intercepted. He said he couldn’t risk everyone else’s safety by just telling me. I came to find you, because I’m gonna try to send him a message back. 


50. RITA: Oh! You figured out how?


51. DAWN: I THINK so? Every time I flipped a page, it started showing me a message from him, starting with the most recent and moving backwards. 


52. RITA: Uh-huh. 


53. DAWN: BUT, when I flipped back to a previous page, the text was gone. It’s like it erases itself after I’ve seen and heard the message. 


54. RITA: Okayyy…


55. DAWN: BUT, the journal seems to respond to my voice commands!


56. RITA: Whoa! Have you called it “computer” yet, you Trekkie dork?


57. DAWN: [lying, embarrassed] No. Shut up. Anyway, I can command it to PLAY old messages, so I asked to send a message. I think I just write down whatever I want to tell him. 


58. RITA: Do it, do it!


59. (SOUND) Book opening


60. (SOUND) Page turning 


61. NARRATOR: Rita handed Dawn a pen from the desk she had been rifling through just moments ago. Dawn cracked open the journal, and stared at a blank page. 


62. JOURNAL: Hello, Dawn. 


63. DAWN: Hey…uh, what’s your name?


64. JOURNAL: I can have whatever name you want me to have. Set a name now. 


65. RITA: COOTER!


66. DAWN: What?!


67. RITA: NAME IT COOTER!


68. DAWN: NO! I’M NOT GOING TO NAME THIS MAGICAL JOURNAL “COOTER”!


69. JOURNAL: You have requested to [replaying part of Dawn’s previous line. It sounds like it’s coming out of a phone speaker]: “NAME THIS MAGICAL JOURNAL COOTER”. Name is set. Cooter is at your service. 


70. RITA: [giggling] Cooterrrrr!


71. DAWN: Oh, god damn it. [yelling at journal] CHANGE NAME!


72. JOURNAL: I do not understand your request. To send a message, state your-


73. DAWN: CHANGE NAME!


74. JOURNAL: Change name. Please set new name. 


75. DAWN: Uhhh…Journal. Change name to journal. 


76. JOURNAL: You have chosen, [replays DAWN] “Change name to journal”. Name is set. Hello, Journal. Cooter is at your service. 


77. RITA: [laughing hard, out of breath] 


78. DAWN: Oh, goddamn it!


79. RITA: [still laughing] Go ahead, JOURNAL. Slip on into that COOTER and do what you need to do. 


80. DAWN: FINE! I’m sure I can figure out how to reset it later. [to Cooter] Cooter, send message. 


81. JOURNAL: Who would you like to send a message to?


82. DAWN: Nate Menendez. 


83. JOURNAL: Okay. Would you like to send a message to NATE MENENDEZ?


84. DAWN: Yes. 


85. JOURNAL: Please write your message to NATE MENENDEZ. 


86. (SOUND) Dawn’s line begins to sound quieter, and like it’s coming from a speaker about halfway through this line. It keeps playing until the end of the episode.


87. DAWN: [reading aloud as she writes] Hey uncle Nate. I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you earlier. The contents of the trunks were stolen, except for this journal and Cabroncita. I just figured out how this works. Are you okay? Last I saw you, you had an axe wound to the ribs. Can you tell me why you can only come out during the full moon? Is that something that could be intercepted? Sorry, I just don’t know what questions you can answer for me right now. I’m going to try to figure out where the Workshop is, without the books. I have a Warlock friend I can ask. They used to date an artificer. Maybe that artificer knows? Do we all know each other? Witches, that is. I have a lot to ask you, about everything. About Rita, about mom. I don’t quite know what to do. I love you. I’m going to try to figure out how to use this thing, And I’ll write to you every day. 


88. HACKER VAMP: Hey! We’ve got action. Menendez is finally using that journal to send a message. 


89. NARRATOR: In a dark, dingy apartment, Dawn’s message began playing over a speaker as she wrote. A long haired vampire, with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, watched her message appear on one of the three computer monitors in front of him. As he watched with rapt attention, a slender, tattooed vampire woman with a buzz cut stepped into in the light of the computer monitors. 


90. MYSTERY WOMAN: Finally. She give away any clues about the Workshop yet? 


91. HACKER VAMP: Nope. It sounds like she’s as clueless as we are. 


92. MYSTERY WOMAN: Oh, I doubt that. Keep recording and analyzing every message coming in and out of that journal. I’m sure we’re going to get some clues. We have an advantage over her, since we stole the trunk full of her artificer shit right out of her apartment. Call me if you hear anything important. 


93. HACKER VAMP: You going out? 


94. MYSTERY WOMAN: Yep. 


95. HACKER VAMP: Where?


96. MYSTERY WOMAN: I’m going to go meet my little brother for the first time. 


97. HACKER VAMP: Wow! For real? What’s his name?


98. MYSTERY WOMAN: Trapper. Trapper Crawford. 


99. (Music) Outtro