Today’s Lucky Winner

Bussymelon

July 15, 2021 Season 1 Episode 21
Today’s Lucky Winner
Bussymelon
Show Notes Transcript

In this episode, Rita receives a diagnosis that explains A LOT. There’s a strange man at Sanguis, and he’s smoking a long cigarette in the lobby. Crawford engages in hand to hand combat with a warlock. We meet a bubbly guy named Collin, on his first day at his new job.  Something spooks the hell out of Carmilla. Wait, seriously? What could be so scary as to spook her? She ripped a guy’s HEART out a couple of episodes ago! Jesus, whatever it is, it’s gotta be unsettling. Dawn decides to do a little journaling.

Cast:
Narrator, Crawford -  Sean Turner @seanwkturner

Dawn - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid

 Brent, Collin, Uncle Nate -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale

Sunny, Carmilla, Demon 1 - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222

Rita, Jeremy, Journal  - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original theme music  by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original music by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Rating Introduction:


1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.


Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 


Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 


Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for you.


2. (Previously on) 


SCENE ONE: Sunny’s Kitchen: 10:30AM


(SOUND) Morning ambience


(SOUND) Occasional coffee pour or sip


(SOUND) Occasional setting down cup


1. NARRATOR: After the long night they’d just had, the ladies slept in late. Dawn pulled out her old white board from college, and began writing down all of the pertinent case info they had recently gathered. She ate an English muffin, nursed a cup of coffee while she worked on the list, and thought out loud as she wrote. Rita and Sunny sat on one side of Sunny’s dining room table. Sunny had her thermos of blood in her hands, and listened intently to Dawn. Rita sipped on a cup of coffee, and polished off the mixing bowl full of cereal she’d poured herself less than 5 minutes ago.  


2. DAWN: Rita, are you even listening?


3. (SOUND) Pill bottle being poured/handled


4. RITA: Yeah, sure. 


5. SUNNY: I think that may be hard for Dawn to believe, when you’ve got a handful of pills. 


6. RITA: What? Oh! I am listening. This is all Adderall. 


7. DAWN: Where did you get all that Adderall?


8. RITA: Theft. Either a LOT of people at that convention had ADHD, or there is widespread misuse of pharmaceuticals in the tech industry. This is just a fraction of my stash. I’ve never taken Adderall before! I’m kind of excited. 


9. SUNNY: Can it wait until after Dawn finishes her briefing on all the facts we now have about her murder?


10. RITA: B-but...the briefing is boring, and it would be a lot less boring if I could be zooted on amphetamines right now. 


11. DAWN: No! You’ve gotta listen. After your dreamscape last night, it’s clear that you’re more involved in what’s happening with me than I thought. It can’t be a coincidence that my reaper chaperone isn’t a reaper at all. 


12. RITA: I had a ROUGH NIGHT! This is self care!


13. SUNNY: Misuse of prescriptions is not self care. 


14. DAWN: Put down the Adderall. 


15. RITA: NO!


16. SUNNY: I know that face. 


17. DAWN: I do too! Don’t you do it, Rita. 


18. SUNNY: Ritaaaa.


19. DAWN: Don’t you fucking do it!


20. (SOUND) Dawn lunging to knock the pills our of Rita’s hands: Chair pulling out, foot steps, sounds of a struggle, all ending with a huge gulp from Rita. 


21. SUNNY: Rita!


22. DAWN: God damn it! How many was that?


23. RITA: A FULL MONTH OF PILLS, BAY-BEE! HIGH ASS DOSE, EXTENDED RELEASE! MOMMA’S GONNA ATTACK AND DETHRONE GOD!


24. SUNNY: Well, at least we know that “extended release” for Rita MAYBE means an hour. 


25. DAWN: If you don’t seem to be paying attention, I’m just going to make you listen to all this again later. 


26. RITA: I’ll just take more pills. These last 12 hours have been quite upsetting, Dawnie. Let me have my coping mechanisms. 


27. SUNNY: If you have to tell her again later, I’ve got a bunch of ropes and stuff you can use to tie her up and keep her away from her pill stash. 


28. RITA: [disgusting horny noise] 


29. DAWN: Why do you have a bunch of ropes?


30. (Pause)


31. SUNNY: I...uhhh...


32. DAWN: [sigh, disappointed that she didn’t catch on faster] No, no, I get it. I regretted the question as soon as it came out of my mouth. [pause] ANYWAY, here’s where we’re at on this Russian nesting doll of a mystery box we find ourselves in: If Death is the one who killed me, does that qualify as murder? 


33. RITA: Sunshine, you do realize that I could just poof out of those ropes whenever I wanted, right? I allow you to tie me up. 


34. SUNNY: Oh, jeez. I feel silly for not realizing that much, much earlier. 


35. DAWN: I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN THAT I JUST SAID “ANYWAY,” IN AN ATTEMPT TOP CHANGE THE SUBJECT. 


36. RITA: Yeah, whatever. You should get one of those see-through boards to write on!


37. DAWN: What? Oh, like in movies?


38. RITA: Yeah. Like there’s a mathematician or a scientist or something, and we could see you making concentrate-y faces through the board as you write. 


39. DAWN: Those are only used in movies for the sake of filming, you know that, right?


40. RITA: What?


41. DAWN: They use the clear ones so they have more options on how they can shoot the scene. There are only so may ways you can film someone staring at a wall, without just showing their back. 


42. RITA: Okay, but they look cooler. You should get one. 


43. DAWN: No! They’re so impractical. You can’t even write on the back of one. It’s like you’ve gotten half of a dry erase board. 


44. RITA: What’s on the back of yours?


45. DAWN: [slightly embarrassed] Nothing! It’s nothing. Let’s keep looking at the info we have so far. 


46. SUNNY: I kind of want to know what’s on the back of the white board too. 


47. RITA: Yeah! Show us. Show us. Show us. Show us. 


48. SUNNY: [laughs] Show us. Show us. Show us. Show us. 


49. DAWN: FINE! If I show you, can we pay attention to my MURDER case, please?


50. RITA: Best I can do is shutting up about the white board. 


51. DAWN: I’ll take it. 


60. (SOUND) White board being flipped around


61. RITA: Haha, YES! Now THIS is pod racing!


62. SUNNY: [giggles] Did you draw this tardigrade eating a watermelon?


63. DAWN: Yes. 


64. SUNNY: [chuckles] It’s cute! It’s a visual pun. 


65. RITA: What? How so? Waterhole? Bussymelon bear? Butthole melon?


66. DAWN: It’s a watermelon. It’s a water bear. 


67. RITA: Well, what the fuck is a water bear?


68. DAWN: THIS! THIS IS A WATER BEAR! THEY’RE NOT ACTUALLY CALLED BUTTHOLE-


69. SUNNY: Baby, how about we let Dawn get back to brainstorming about her case with us?


70. RITA: Ugh, fine. I’m getting a little sleepy though. Maybe it’s just the weird night I had. I’m gonna finish this pot of coffee. 


71. (SOUND) Coffee pour 


72. SUNNY: You just took a handful of amphetamines, and you’re sleepy? 


73. RITA: Yeah. Weird. I guess they haven’t kicked in yet. 


74. (SOUND) Coffee sip 


75. DAWN: ANYWAY


76. (SOUND) White board being flipped


77. DAWN: Here’s the biggest question I have at the moment. If Death is the one who killed me, does it even count as murder? Death seems intrinsically incapable of being guilty of murder. 


78. RITA: Well, we don’t know that Death is the one who killed you. We just know that they were there when Doug the lizard demon came to get you, and that they left you a gift. Furthermore, if your death hadn’t been a mishap or violence, I wouldn’t have been called to reap you. I think it’s been made quite clear that nothing that has happened to you has been a “mishap”, so that just leaves violence. Regardless of whether or not Death is the perpetrator, I think pushing forward into investigating your murder is the most logical course of action. 


79. (Pause)


80. RITA: What?!


81. SUNNY: You just- you presented us with a cogent case for continuing to think that Dawn’s death was a murder. 


82. RITA: And? 


83. DAWN: You didn’t go on a tangent about anything, like how Tumblr is useless without porn-


84. SUNNY: -Or how you wonder if the store “Condoms To-Go” added “to-go” to their name, because some weirdo tried to use their condoms “to-stay”. 


85. RITA: Why are ya’ll being weird? I’m just trying to help. Was that not helpful?


86. (SOUND) Dry erase marker writing while Dawn talks


87. DAWN: [still a little confused at Rita’s behavior] No, no...those were all great points. Let’s keep looking into my cause of death being murder. We should see if there are any other logical suspects, since I don’t know that Death themself would have any motive to murder. I mean, they said they left me “a gift”. Maybe that’s what they were doing when Doug found them? 


88. SUNNY: And what was the gift they left you? Was it something tangible, or did it actually have something to do with necromancy? If it didn’t have to do with necromancy, how did you command me to stop before I ate that girl?


89. DAWN: All excellent questions. 


100. (SOUND) Dry erase marker writing


101. RITA: It might be prudent to put a little more of our efforts into finding out which of your actions, before you died, caused you to earn an afterlife in a hell dimension. We still don’t know what EXACTLY you did. It seems obvious that it’s something to do with your work at Sanguis, but maybe if we know what it is, we can undo it. Even if we don’t find out exactly what it is, it stands to reason that stopping whatever Carmilla has planned would help both your chances of not going to hell, AND the human race. That seems like huge enough of a good deed to undo whatever damage you accidentally did. We don’t need to spend the entire year focusing on just your murder, when we have another viable way to keep you out of hell. 


102. SUNNY: [confused as to why Rita is so engaged and helpful] Wow, hun. That’s really helpful and on topic?


103. RITA: Why did you say that like it’s a question?


104. SUNNY: Uhhh...no reason. 


105. (SOUND) Dry erase marker writing 


106. DAWN: That’s surprisingly helpful. I do think it’s important we don’t put all of our eggs in the “solving my murder” basket. 


107. RITA: What the fuck do you mean, “surprisingly helpful”? Why are you two being weird? What am I doing wrong?


108. (SOUND) Dry erase marker writing while Dawn talks 


109. DAWN: [changing the subject] Nothing! You’re not doing anything wrong. On the topic of “you” though, I think it’s important we try to find out exactly what you are. 


110. SUNNY: Yeah, it can’t be a coincidence that you died under mysterious circumstances, are involved in some global, corporate vampire plot, AND you got a reaper chaperone who isn’t really a reaper. 


111. DAWN: If you’re The Rider, what are you? Your job seemed to be enacting vengeance on dangerous men who upheld the patriarchy. 


112. SUNNY: And didn’t you say something about how she was trying to get witches to work together to help her? 


113. (SOUND) Dry erase marker writing while Dawn talks 


114. DAWN: Yeah! It sounded like she was trying to pull together a super hero team. 


115. RITA: If I’m The Rider, why are they so short in my Dreamscape?


116. SUNNY: What?


117. DAWN: You’re a magical being, and you’re hung up on a height difference?


118. RITA: The Rider is MAYBE 5’3”. I’m nearly a foot taller. The more I think about it, the more I think it can’t be me. 


119. DAWN: [sigh] It’s a height difference, and you literally get to CHOOSE how you look. Maybe you chose to look shorter back then. 


120. RITA: Pfft. Not likely. I enjoy being a statuesque hottie. 


121. DAWN: Whatever. I need some resources to help me know what kind of magical and celestial creatures there even are. Like some sort of witch wiki to help narrow down what you might be, Rita. You’ve been our only real source of magical knowledge. Maybe if I can find a database of some sort, we can narrow down your identity. 


122. RITA: I think you could get answers to quite a few of your questions, and help with the Carmilla business, if we can find The Workshop where your family crafts their magical shit. I know your uncle is the only blood family you really know, but I’m sure there are other artificers there who can help. Even if they don’t have answers, I think it would be helpful to have a bunch of witches with your best interest in mind to help us out. 


123. DAWN: [confused as to why Rita is having such good ideas] That...uhh...I hadn’t thought about that. That’s a good idea. 


124. RITA: Why are you looking at me like that?


125. DAWN: Uhhh, nothing. That was helpful, and I hadn’t thought of it before. Maybe I can talk to Dax or the alchemists and see if they have any leads on finding The Workshop. We didn’t really have any contacts in the magical world before, when we thought our trail went cold. It’s worth looking into again. 


126. RITA: (Pause) Why are YOU looking at me like that, Sunshine?


127. SUNNY: Uhhh...How are you feeling? 


128. RITA: Oh, after the handful of pills? I don’t know. Maybe I’m immune? I don’t feel the “up” in these “uppers”. I’m really calm. And- and it’s like I’m only having one thought at a time. Like a single train of thought!


129. DAWN: That’s not normal? 


130. RITA: I mean, no? I’m usually thinking about ten different things at once. The Dawson’s Creek theme song is playing in the background. I’ll randomly recall when I made out with Rasputin, and it turned out he was actually the Baba Yaga’s nephew, which caused this whole THING. I didn’t hear the end of that from Kyle. I hear Toni Collette’s monologue from Hereditary a lot. The spirit of that Victorian child that I failed to reap in a timely manner comes to possess my corporeal body and incessantly remind me of my biggest failures-


131. DAWN: OKAY! So it’s usually pretty busy up there. 


132. RITA: Yeah, but it’s pretty chill right now. I’m literally only thinking of our conversation, and I’m eyeing Sunny’s hungalungamungas in my periphery. So I guess I only have two things on my mind, well- three things, if you count Betty and Veronica as individuals, and not a unit. 


133. DAWN: [confused] Betty and-


134. SUNNY: It’s what she named my boobs. 


135. DAWN: Oh, god damn it. I don’t need to know that. Fine. I guess we did learn something this morning. 


136. (SOUND) sound of dry erase marker on a white board


137. SUNNY: [chuckles] I mean, as a doctor, I’m inclined to agree. 


138. RITA: What?! That’s ridiculous. I’m an ancient celestial being. 


139. SUNNY: Impulsivity. Hyperfixations. Non-existent organizational skills. Poor focus on things that don’t interest you. 


140. DAWN: Substance abuse. HYPERSEXUALITY.


141. SUNNY: [laughs] And the fact that a fistful of adderall made you calm down. 


142. DAWN: Whatever celestial being you are, it’s one that can have ADHD. (Pause) Why don’t you save the rest of your stolen adderall for when I need you to focus on something again. Even if it wears off in a few minutes, you’ve been infinitely more attentive this morning. 


143. RITA: I don’t even have a human brain! [laughs] Are YOU on drugs? And I CAN focus on things that don’t interest me, thank you very much. I listen to you all the god damn- OH! [laugh] YOUR DRAWING! Water bear, watermelon. Watermelon Bear. I get it now! It’s not actually funny, but I get the pun.(Pause) Wait...what were we talking about? 



144. (MUSIC) Interstitial 


145. (AD REEL) 


SCENE TWO: Carmilla’s Office at Sanguis: 10:30 AM


1. (SOUND) Desk phone “beep beep”


2. (SOUND) Carmilla presses button on phone to answer, long beep


3. CARMILLA: [southern] Hey Jeremy! Whatcha’ need, sugar?


4. JEREMY: [Through phone] Sorry to bother you Miss Gwyar. 


5. CARMILLA: Jeremy, pumpkin, what’d I tell you?!


6. JEREMY: [through phone] I’m sorry. I always forget. [correcting himself] “Sorry to bother you, Carmilla.”


7. CARMILLA: Much better, darlin’. What can I do for you? 


8. JEREMY: [whispering into the phone, trying not to be heard by anyone but Carmilla] Mister Crawford is here to see you, and I know you told me that he’s always allowed to visit without an appointment, but he’s got a strange man with him. 


9. CARMILLA: Strange in what way, angel? 


10. JEREMY: He seems like a real grifter type. And he’s smoking a cigarette in the lobby. 


11. CARMILLA: And nobody stopped him?


12. JEREMY: That’s the thing, I tried, and he just told me to leave him alone. 


13. CARMILLA: And you listened? 


14. JEREMY: That’s the thing, I didn’t want to listen, but I can’t seem to pay attention to him directly. I can’t help BUT to leave him alone. 


15. CARMILLA: [putting together that this must be a Warlock] Shit. 


16. JEREMY: Excuse me?


17. CARMILLA: Nothing, kiddo. Anything else strange? 


18. JEREMY: Yeah. Before he sat down, he asked me if I wanted to go to his place later and “Listen to Boyz II Men, and FREAK.” 


19. CARMILLA: [sigh] Send them both in. 


20. JEREMY: Uhhh...okay. 


21. (SOUND) Desk phone beep, same as Carmilla answering Jeremy


22. (SOUND) Office door opening, should be fairly quiet hydraulic door. 


23. (SOUND) Slow heavy footsteps walking in. 


24. (SOUND) Two people sit down in chairs


25. BRENT: You owe me for two cars. That was a big ass portal. 


26. CRAWFORD: Nobody said that the portal had to get bigger depending on how many cars got wrecked. And NOBODY said we needed that many GOTT DANG demons to come out of the portal in the first place. We’re not gonna pay your added fee. 


27. BRENT: It’s not my fault that you didn’t ask for clarification. You should have read the fine print there on the contract. 


28. CRAWFORD: The CONTRACT was written in BABY’S BLOOD. That shit runs too fucking much to make any of that fine print legible. And it was written in your patron demon’s language. 


29. BRENT: You were provided with a translator. 


30. CRAWFORD: YEAH, YOUR COUSIN JOSH WAS THE TRANSLATOR. 


31. Brent and Crawford overlap these next two lines


32. BRENT: [getting mad] You got a problem with Joshie boy? You saying my dude isn’t trustworthy or impartial? Are you implying that my family doesn’t operate above board? You got a problem with Warlocks, Mr. NASCAR? Huh, you King of the Hill ass soft boy vampire? Soft boy. SOFT BOY. You gonna cry to Momma? Momma’s boy. 


33. CRAWFORD: Yeah, “Joshie” boy just told us it was for the notary public to worry about. Do they even have notaries in hell? I WOULDN’T EVEN GET A SOUL FOR KILLING JOSHIE, BUT I’D EAT HIM IN A HEARTBEAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH. YEAH, I GOT A FUCKING PROBLEM. Nascar? NASCAR? [scary vampire voice] I WILL EAT YOU ASS FIRST, YOU PANSY ASS, BETA CUCK-


34. CARMILLA: [loudly clearing her throat, English accent] Are you two going to just fuck it out already? That’s where it feels like this is going. 


35. CRAWFORD: [disgusted] NO!


36. BRENT: [chuckles] He wishes! 


37. CARMILLA: Then what are you doing in my office, hmm? I think you’ll recall that my hands are a little full right now. 


38. CRAWFORD: [composing himself] I’m real sorry, Momma.


39. BRENT: [chuckles, mocks Crawford] I’m real sorry, Momma. 


40. CRAWFORD: You shut the hell up, you son of a bitch!


41. (SOUND) slaps like two little kids fighting


42. BRENT: [mocking Crawford] Ohhh, slap me harder, Daddy. You’re turning me on. 


43. CRAWFORD: NOOO!! I’LL KILL YOU!


44. CARMILLA: [scary voice filter] ENOUGH! 


45. BRENT: I-I’m sorry Carmilla. That was unprofessional of me. 


46. CRAWFORD: Sorry, Momma.


47. CARMILLA: What. Are you doing. In my office. 


48. BRENT: Your precious little boy here didn’t read the fine print on the contract he signed for that little enchantment we whipped up for your security trucks. 


49. CARMILLA: Oh! You mean the entirely ineffectual one? 


50. BRENT: Oh, it worked. 


51. CARMILLA: A portal to a hell dimension opened, and your patron demon sent acolytes to kill the people who destroyed our trucks? 


52. BRENT: Yes! Since both trucks were destroyed, you got double the demons and a bigger portal. 


53. CARMILLA: I never agreed to that. It’s three people. I asked for one portal.


54. BRENT: Your baby boy here agreed to that. That’s why there’s an extra 20 million on your invoice.


55. CARMILLA: [angry] TWENTY! Crawford, why in the-


56. CRAWFORD: It was written in baby’s blood! And it wasn’t even in-


57. CARMILLA: TRAPPER, ENOUGH! [sigh] Well, I don’t even believe the portal actually opened. I think I’d have a witch and a reaper here if it had. 


58. BRENT: I thought you’d might say that.


59. NARRATOR: Brent pulled his phone out of his back pocket, and tapped on the screen. He oriented his phone horizontally, faced the screen toward Carmilla, and pressed play. 


60. [Sound through a phone speaker] 


61. COLLIN: [super excited] First mission, and I get to wear the GoPro! Someone triggered a warlock’s enchantment, and I get to handle the quality control by recording the whole thing! I knew Fetchulark the Viscous. Visc- Oh, jeez, I’m so nervous, I’ve got mush mouth. VICIOUS! Hahaha, not viscous. Nasty. I knew they trusted me. 


62. (SOUND) Portal noise from episode 20


63. DEMON 1: [distant from Collin] Move it or lose it, kids. Time is of the essence. Unit B, you’re coming too. We had a double enchantment trigger. 


64. (SOUND) Demons chattering in demon language


65. (SOUND) Boots on ground


66. COLLIN: Ahhh, I’m so excited! 


67. DEMON 1: Quit fucking with the camera, Collin, and get through that portal. NOW!


68. COLLIN: Sorry, sorry, sorry! [breath as he’s about to go through the portal] Here goes nothing!


69. (SOUND) Portal noise ends 


70. (SOUND) Distant ice cream truck engine


71. (SOUND) Nature sounds 


72. (SOUND) A cacophony of demon screeching 


73. (SOUND) Incoming Cabroncita shot hits Jerry


74. COLLIN: [gets shot in the chest] Cheese and crackers, that stung like heck! They got me right in the chest! (Pause) Just a couple people in an ice cream truck? How did they trigger the- Whoa! Is that a reaper that just appeared on the-


75. (SOUND) big, distant Rita BAMF


76. COLLIN: It’s gone! The ice cream truck, they- they teleported the whole truck. What do we-


77. [through a phone speaker ends] 


78. BRENT: See? My demons showed up. A lot of them. 


79. CRAWFORD: But we never asked for-


80. CARMILLA: [quiet, kind of scared] Go to accounting on the 30th floor, and they’ll wire you the 20 million.


81. CRAWFORD: Are you serious?


82. BRENT: Thank you! I knew someone with your business acumen would see that this misunderstanding wasn’t my fault. Your son here should pay more attention to how his beautiful mother does-


83. CARMILLA: [still kind of sad/scared sounding] Pull your nose from my ass, get the fuck out of my office, and go to accounting. 


84. BRENT: Excuse me? 


85. CARMILLA: [scary voice filter] I said, get the fuck out of my office!


86. BRENT: [spooked noises] Yes. Yes ma’am. I’m sorry. I’m just gonna- sorry. I’ll get out of your way, I just- 30th floor you said? You know, never mind, I’ll ask Jeremy. Thank you- I- uh, b-bye. 


87. CRAWFORD: [laughing at how scared Brent is] 


88. (SOUND) Brent should sound more distant as he walks out of the office


89. (SOUND) Chair pushes out


90. (SOUND) Footsteps walking away


91. (SOUND) Office door closing


92. CRAWFORD: Heck, thank ya’ Momma. I was so worried that you’d be cross with me for not reading that fine print. And what the heck was that video about? Have you ever seen a reaper teleport something like that? How’d she do that?-


93. CARMILLA: [overwhelmed, scared] She’s not a reaper. She’s something that could ruin everything. 


94. CRAWFORD: W-what? What is she? How do you know? 


95. CARMILLA: She’s something made by Death themself. If she’s here, that means Death intends to stop our plans.


96. CRAWFORD: How do you know what she is? What is she?


97. CARMILLA: [remembering something sad] I used to know someone like her, until a sorceress killed them. 


SCENE THREE: SUNNY’S LIVING ROOM: 12:00 PM


1. RITA LINE IS HAPPENING DURING THE NARRATOR’S NEXT LINE


2. RITA: [weird grunting sounds like she’s having a difficult time taking a shit] God DAMN it! [grunting] Come onnnn, you can do it. [grunting] Let it rip! [grunting] FUCK! [grunting] [scary voice filter] I’M GONNA BLAST YOUR ASS, I SWEAR TO GOD. I’M GONNA DO IT. JUST YOU WAIT AND-


3. NARRATOR: After breakfast, Sunny headed into work. Dawn went to her room to come up with a highly structured plan for what they needed to do next on the case. After a couple of hours, she was pulled out of her hyperfocus by some disturbing noises coming from Rita in the living room. 


4. DAWN: Uhhh...Why are you making constipated noises while you stare at my Data bobble head? 


5. RITA: If I’m the Rider, I can light things on fire. Remember the first time we saw them? They lit that whole mans up like a blunt. I don’t think I’m the rider. I can’t make it work. 


6. DAWN: So you’re trying to light my Data on fire with your mind? 


7. RITA: Yes. 


8. DAWN: Are you high?


9. RITA: Naturally. 


10. DAWN: On?


11. RITA: Uhh, cocaine, duh! I can’t light things on fire with my mind if I’m on downers. 


12. DAWN: You can’t light things on fire with your mind at all, drugs or not. 


13. RITA: SO, if I can’t, I’m not the Rider. If I can, I’ve helped the case! I’m gonna rail a couple more nose beers and see if I can make it happen. 


14. DAWN: [sigh] Uh-huh. Naturally. (Pause) Have you considered that the ability to immolate a man, or bobble head of a robot, may be circumstantial? It may even be a situation like your scythe, where something ON the Rider enabled them to do that. They may not have that ability at all. They may just operate an item that does it. 


15. RITA: [sigh] As per usual, you have a good point. And maybe you’re right, maybe I DO have Always Dummy Hot Disorder, whatever I am. Maybe it’s not just humans who have it. 


16. DAWN: Maybe you have WHAT? 


17. RITA: ADHD. Always Dummy Hot Disorder. I looked it up. I didn’t know what it was earlier, and I was too embarrassed to ask. It makes sense. I AM dummy hot. 


18. DAWN: Where did you look this up?


19. RITA: Tumblr dot com. 


20. DAWN: Uh-huh, fantastic. I thought as much. Anyway, have you seen where I put that old journal that we found in my grandma’s trunk? I’m trying to gather the tangible, physical clues we have. Maybe having them in front of me will help me formulate our next steps a little easier. 


21. RITA: That old ass embossed one with your name on it?


22. DAWN: Yes. 


23. RITA: The one I yarfed on?


24. DAWN: Unfortunately. I know we brought it with us from the apartment. 


25. RITA: It’s right there, on the coffee table. 


26. DAWN: Oh my GOD! What’s wrong with you? 


27. RITA: I didn’t want to leave a ring on Sunny’s coffee table. 


28. DAWN: And you were okay leaving a ring on a possible clue to my MURDER?! There are coasters right there!


29. RITA: YEAH, on that end table, 10 feet away. Your book was right here. AND IT’S EMP-TEEEEEE. 


30. DAWN: Whatever. Move your Baja Blast off of my family heirloom. 


31. NARRATOR: Rita moved her Baja Blast and pulled a plastic bag labeled “Booger Sugar” out of her pants. Dawn picked up the embossed journal, and she wiped a ring of condensation off of the front of the book with her sleeve. She cracked open the cover. 


32. (SOUND) answering machine-like beep. 


33. JOURNAL: Welcome, Dawn. You have- 48 new messages. (Repeat)


34. NARRATOR: Dawn had never opened the journal herself. She had seen Rita open it, and the pages had been empty. This time, the first page read “Workshop Correspondence: Property of Dawn Menendez. Number of unread messages, 48.” 


35. RITA: Uhhh...is it just the coke and shrooms mixing in my system, or did the-


36. DAWN: Shrooms too?!


37. RITA: Hey, big picture, Li’l Buddy. Is the book talking to you?


38. DAWN: Yeah. I guess I had never opened it myself? It must only work for me. (Pause) How do I check for messages in a journal?


39. RITA: Turn the page, you dink. 


40. (SOUND) Page Turning


41. NARRATOR: After Dawn turned the page, handwritten text began to appear where there had been nothing. As it appeared, a familiar voice emanated from the journal. 


42. UNCLE NATE: [nervous, whispering] Dawn?! I need to know you’re okay. You haven’t heard my other 47 messages. I don’t understand what’s happening. You’re so smart. Surely you’ve looked though your abuelita’s stuff? I know you can’t be dead, well, you know, dead again. But there are a lot worse things that can happen to a person than dying. I-I NEED you to find the Workshop, kiddo. I can’t say too much here. Someone may intercept my messages. But, I NEED to talk to you. Mijita, I-I know who killed you. 


43. (MUSIC) Outtro