Smooth Jazz? Really?

In this episode: Sunny gets not fast enough, and terribly furious, while driving the ice cream truck.  Rita does the impossible! Well, the fact that she does it means it’s not impossible, but she does the highly improbable. There’s smooth jazz! We learn that the litmus test for whether or not someone is irredeemably evil lies in asking them their thoughts about the 1999 film, The Mummy. Kyle asks to speak to the manager…OF HELL. Dawn does drugs. Hold on, did we read that right? Yeah! Dawn’s the one who does drugs this time. Huh. Wonder what that’s about? Rita takes a li’l nap nap.
                                                                                                                                                                 
P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 20? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!

Cast:
Narrator, Vampire 4, Receptionist -  Sean Turner @seanwkturner

Dawn, Vampire 2, Random Patient - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid

 Kyle, Husband -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale

Sunny, Vampire 1, Devlin, Rider  - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222

Rita, Vampire 3, Sorceress - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Brianne’s Appearances on Alphabet Flight
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mongoose/id1158602307?i=1000525539689
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/moon-boy/id1158602307?i=1000525823753
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/naga/id1158602307?i=1000526083256
Original theme music  by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

http://www.todaysluckywinner.buzzsprout.com
http://www.instagram.com/luckywinnershow
http://www.twitter.com/luckywinnershow
http://www.facebook.com/luckywinnershow

Transcript

Rating Introduction:

1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.

Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 

Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 

Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for you.

2. (Previously On) 

SCENE ONE: Road back to Dallas: Around noon

1. (SOUND) Road noises

2. (SOUND) Ice cream truck engine 

3. SUNNY: Uhhh, ya’ll, I think we’re being followed. 

4. DAWN: Huh? 

5. SUNNY: Those two black SUVs have been following us since we left the gas station.

6. DAWN: Maybe it’s a coincidence? Maybe they’re just going in the same direction. 

7. SUNNY: Should I get off the freeway just to see?

8. DAWN: Yeah, it won’t hurt. 

9. (SOUND) Turn signal 

10. RITA: Haha, no big deal. One of them just cut across three lanes of traffic to exit with us. 

11. DAWN: Fuck! I bet Sanguis found out we were in San Antonio after all the energy vampire stuff. 

12. SUNNY: What should I do?

13. DAWN: Hmm...It looks like there’s just two SUVs, right?

14. RITA: Yeah. 

15. DAWN: Could the three of us take two SUVs full of vampires? I think we could. 

16. RITA: Wooo, you’re so cocky after killing those energy vampires, I’d think you were one of the fine novelties available at the South Dallas Phallus Palace. 

17. DAWN: For real, though. How many could there be?

18. SUNNY: If both the trucks are full, there could be a dozen. 

19. RITA: If they’re vampire clowns, there could be five times that number!

20. DAWN: [sigh] I don’t see what choice we have. We can’t let them keep following us until we have to stop for gas. If we can get somewhere more discreet, maybe they don’t even have to leave the trucks for us to kill them. 

21. SUNNY: So where should I lead them? 

22. DAWN: Take as many back roads as you can, until it looks like we’re out in the boonies. I don’t need anyone but vampires getting hurt when I blow these trucks to hell. First, we need to make sure that it’s actually all vampires in these trucks. 

23. RITA: How do we do that?

24. DAWN: You’re gonna hate it. 

25. NARRATOR: Sunny took every turn onto a farm road that she could find. She tried to remain calm, and kept driving as though she didn’t know that they were being followed. Dawn dug through the artificer stuff she had left from the night before, and she filled Rita in on her plan. 

26. SUNNY: Okay, I think this is as far from other people as we’re gonna get. I don’t want to turn onto a smaller road and hit a dead end. You’ve gotta do it now. 

27. RITA: [groan] Ughhhh...I don’t like this. 

28. DAWN: You’re the only one who can do it. I’ve got this door in the back of the truck open, so I can get a clear view of something goes wrong. 

29. RITA: I know. How many of your shit bombs do you have left?

30. DAWN: We have three. You’ll need two, max for the plan. If things go well with the first SUV, you may just need one. We have extra, should anything go wrong. Don’t stress. 

31. RITA: Oh, don’t stress? How silly of me. I’m fine now. 

32. DAWN: You know what I mean. Are you ready? You in stealth mode? 

33. RITA: Yeah. You want me to whip my titties out to make sure?

34. DAWN: [sigh] Noooo.

35. SUNNY: [giggle] Yessss!

36. RITA: [psyching herself up] Okay! You said to try the one closest to use first?

37. DAWN: Yep. You remember where the detonator on the bomb is?

38. RITA: Right here. 

39. DAWN: Good. Now, remember to make sure-

40. RITA: - They’re all vampires, because you don’t want to murder humans. 

41. DAWN: Exactly. 

42. RITA: [sigh] Alright. Wish me luck. 

43. (SOUND) BAMF

44. NARRATOR: Shit bomb in hand, Rita poofed into the cargo area of the SUV closest behind them. She looked up to find six people, all built like professional wrestlers, donning mirrored aviator sunglasses, and all black tactical clothing. 

45. (SOUND) generic smooth jazz

46. (SOUND) road sounds continue

47. RITA: Smooth jazz, really? 

48. VAMPIRE 1: What the fuck?

49. VAMPIRE 2: How in the hell?

50. VAMPIRE 3: We’ve been compromised.

51. (SOUND) Walking talkie static 

52. VAMPIRE 4: The reaper has breached unit 1. Repeat, the reaper has breached unit one. 

53. RITA: Great! It looks like you all heard me just fine. Vampires, the whole lot of ya! Eat shit, losers.

54. (SOUND) BAMF

55. (SOUND) Body fall

56. (SOUND) Magic Bomb

57. (SOUND) Big ass car crash

58. RITA: [groan] Did I do it!

59. DAWN: Yes!!! And the SUV you blew up made the one behind it crash too. 

60. RITA: Fuck, I gotta smoke. 

61. SUNNY: So we’re in the clear? 

62. (SOUND) Lighting a blunt

63. DAWN: Yeah, I think we are. I don’t see anymore- 

64. (SOUND) Thunder crack

65. DAWN: What the fuck?

66. RITA: [blunt between her lips, coughing] What the fuck?

67. (SOUND) Scary portal noise 

68. (SOUND) Demon screeches

69. (SOUND) Big, flappy wings 

70. (SOUND) lots of monster noises 

71. NARRATOR: A crack opened up in the sky, revealing a glowing, red portal. A dozen demons flew out of it, all resembling the scaly, red, bat winged appearance of Grackna The Unending. From the looks on their faces, that’s where the resemblance ended. They did not look like they intended to have a friendly conversation. 

72. SUNNY: [freaked out] What is that? What am I hearing? Someone say something. 

73. DAWN: [urgent] Floor it. Go fast. Flying demons. 

74. SUNNY: I’m gonna run out of road! And this engine can’t take going over 55. 

75. (SOUND) Ice cream truck accelerate 

76. (SOUND) Shotgun cock

77. (SOUND) Cabroncita 

78. DAWN: Fuck, I missed. They’re flying so fast!

79. SUNNY: What do I do?!

80. DAWN: I don’t know! I don’t know!

81. (SOUND) Cabroncita 

82. (SOUND) Muffled demon screech

83. DAWN: I got that one in the chest, and it’s still flying! We can’t take on these demons! 

84. RITA: I have a bad idea.

85. DAWN: I’ll take anything, at this point. How do I help?

86. RITA: What I have planned all hinges on me doing something I’ve never done before. I don’t know that I can. No reaper has. 

87. SUNNY: You’re not some generic reaper, baby. You’re not a reaper at all. We trust you. Whatever it is, you can do it.

88. RITA: You do? You both do?

89. DAWN: We both do. 

90. RITA: Uhhh, Okay. Baby? I’m gonna poof to the top of the ice cream truck. When you hear me bang on the roof of the truck, you need to slam on the brakes and don’t let off of them, okay? 

91. SUNNY: Okay. 

92. DAWN: What do I do?

93. RITA: Close the back door, and hold on tight. 

94. DAWN: Got it. 

95. (SOUND) Ice cream truck door close. 

96. RITA: Here, hold my blunt. 

97. (SOUND) BAMF 

98. SUNNY: What do you think she’s doing? 

99. DAWN: I don’t know. 

100. (SOUND) Bang on metal 

101. (SOUND) tire screech, slam on brakes

102. (SOUND) DMV Portal noise 

103. SUNNY: D-did she just?

104. DAWN: She poofed the whole fucking ice cream truck. 

105. SUNNY: [concerned] Holy shit. She got sick last time she took passengers, and that was just you, me, and a ghost. She could be hurting herself!

106. DAWN: And I don’t know what’s happening. I’ve never been in one of these poofs this long. 

107. SUNNY: Where is she taking-

108. (SOUND) Portal noise end 

109. (SOUND) Ice cream truck turn off

110. (SOUND) Ice cream truck lands in garage

111. DAWN: We’re in your garage! She poofed us all the way back to Dallas. 

112. SUNNY: Is she okay? Is she still on the roof? Baby! Are you-

113. (SOUND) Rita tumbles from the roof of the ice cream truck

114. SUNNY: No! No, no, no, no, no-

115. DAWN: Shit. 

116. (SOUND) Ice cream truck driver door opens

117. (SOUND) Hurried footsteps toward Rita

118. SUNNY: Rita? Wake up, babe. 

119. DAWN: Rita, you did it! You saved us. 

120. SUNNY: Rita?

121. DAWN: Th-this isn’t like last time. Why won’t she wake up?

122. SUNNY: [smooch on cheek] Please. Please wake up. [desperate, scared, starting to cry] Rita, please. We’re home. Please, wake up. [smooch] [crying] Rita, please. [aside to dawn] Dawnie, what do we do. [pause] Dawn? [pause] DAWN!

SCENE TWO: Hell: Time is ??

1. (SOUND) REWIND 

2. (SOUND) OCCASIONAL SHRIEKING 

3. (SOUND) OCCASIONAL DRILLS

4. (SOUND) OCCASIONAL MANIACAL LAUGH

5. (SOUND) FOOTSTEPS WALKING CLOSER 

6. KYLE: Excuse me, I’m here to see Rita, but I don’t seem to be able to find her on the grounds.

7. RECEPTIONIST: Um, that’s because she’s, um- I mean, she’s um- she’s

8. KYLE: Any day now. 

9. RECEPTIONIST: She’s been locked in her room. 

10. KYLE: [getting pissed] Mmhmm. For how long?

11. RECEPTIONIST: Uhm, about 300 years. 

12. KYLE: Wow! That certainly seems excessive, doesn’t it? What transgressions could she have committed to deserve- how much time in solitary is she supposed to spend. 

13. RECEPTIONIST: [mumbles] 1,000. 

14. KYLE: What was that? 

15. RECEPTIONIST: 1,000. 

16. KYLE: Well, shit on my tits! Why didn’t you all contact me when she killed a fellow patient?

17. RECEPTIONIST: [scared of kyle] What? She didn’t kill anybody. 

18. KYLE: Oh! My mistake. You see, that’s the only fucking reason I’d accept that you’d subject her to 1,000 years of isolation. What prompted this?

19. RECEPTIONIST: Um, according to her chart here, she wouldn’t change back into her reaper form, and she told someone to suck a wet fart out of her-

20. KYLE: Excuse me, what?

21. RECEPTIONIST: -She told someone to suck a wet fart out of her-

22. KYLE: NO! The part about her changing back to her original form. 

23. RECEPTIONIST: No, well...she wouldn’t do it. Doc forced her into her original form, and she got 1,000 years alone in her room. 

24. KYLE: [intense, scary] Why don’t you take a little look at her chart in front of you, and tell me why she was admitted. 

25. (SOUND) Pages flipping 

26. RECEPTIONIST: Haha, whoa! Big chart. 

27. KYLE: Uh-huh, flip faster. 

28. RECEPTIONIST: Aha, her admission form. “Admitted for cheating,lying, Unyeilding horniness, and liking yellow starbursts. 

29. KYLE: [still scary] And how is she doing on all those?

30. RECEPTIONIST: Well, we don’t have candy here, so I don’t know about the starburst part. 

31. (SOUND) Flipping pages

32. KYLE: Uh-Huh.

33. RECEPTIONIST: She’s actually apologized for the cheating and lying in group sessions, according to her chart. 

34. KYLE: Uh-huh.

35. RECEPTIONIST: But the horniness may be worse. She’s been trying to bribe one of the mimic demons to shape shift into Mandy Patinkin and “do that sexy thing he did in Yentl,” whatever that means. Most of them were put here before Mandy was even born. They have no idea. 

36. KYLE: That’s all great, but I didn’t seem to hear anything about her needing to stop being herself, on her intake form. 

37. RECEPTIONIST: Well, I mean, she was made to be a cloud of smoke held together by a robe. It’s not healthy for her to-

38. KYLE: Are YOU going to tell ME what she was made to do? You have no idea what Rita was made to do. 

39. RECEPTIONIST: I-uh...I’m. I’m sorry, I-

40. KYLE: I’m demanding you release her. Right now. 

41. RECEPTIONIST: I can’t just do that. I have to get prior authorization for the-

42. KYLE: You know who I am, right?

43. RECEPTIONIST: [scared af, gulps] Y-y-yes. You’re K-k-Kyle. 

44. KYLE: And you know that the only reason she isn’t out already, is because I was allowing you go on with your whole song and dance, right?

45. RECEPTIONIST: [freaked tf out] Y-yes. 

46. KYLE: Then I’m going to give you 30 seconds to pick up your little phone, and tell them to release her. 

47. RECEPTIONIST: I-I can’t. 

48. KYLE: [intense] I was afraid you’d say that. 

49. (SOUND) Hospital sounds grow muffled

50. (SOUND) Tables being thrown, desk items

51. (SOUND) Big monster noises 

52. DEVLIN: [muffled through grate] I’m sorry, I just didn’t like the movie Yentl. Why have Mandy Patinkin in the film, if you won’t even let him sing? It was just Barbara. It feels like a masturbatory artistic endeavor on Barbara’s part. It was such a waste to-

53. RITA: DEV! DEV! It only bothers you because you see Mandy as a singer. He was allowed to focus on his acting here. You can’t judge the film on - 

54. RECEPTIONIST: [muffled, excruciating scream, like a monster is ripping them in half] 

55. (SOUND) Footsteps coming down hallway, walking toward Rita

56. DEVLIN: Th-that wasn’t the usual kind of scream we hear around here.

57. RITA: I know. What do you think it was? Was that the reception-

58. (SOUND) Kyle kicks a big metal door open

59. RITA: [gasp] 

60. DEVLIN: [gasp] 

61. KYLE: [totally fucking over being here, mom energy] Come on, Rita. Time to come home. 

62. RITA: [hopeful, crying] Ky-Kyle? Is this all in my mind again? I daydream that I get busted out of here all the time. This feels so real, though. Am I losing my-

63. KYLE: It’s really me. [more tender] But this isn’t you. We’ve gotta fix this. 

64. (SOUND) Rita BAMF

65. KYLE: That’s better!

66. RITA: [sobbing] Th-thank you. I’ll be a good reaper from now on. I promise. I’m sorry I cheated. I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m gonna just do my job now. I can’t come back here. I can’t do this-

67. KYLE: [really sweet, for Kyle. He’s leaning in and has his hands on her shoulders] Hey. HEY. *I* am the one who’s sorry. 

68. RITA: What?

69. KYLE: You were supposed to be rehabilitated for your lying and cheating. You weren’t supposed to be put in some fucked up demon conversion camp. I actually suggested the DMV send you to a team building camp for angels. 

70. RITA: [sniffle, chuckle] Like doing ropes courses and trust falls with cherubim and seraphim?

71. KYLE: [chuckles] Yeah. You’d play capture the flag with Metatron and Uriel. Maybe fuck an angel while you’re there. 

72. RITA: [laugh]

73. KYLE: [laugh] But really, I thought you just needed to learn that your actions affect others. I didn’t want- [pause] This. I’m so sorry they put you here, but I’m getting you out. 

74. RITA: I’m gonna be different from now on. I promise. I’m gonna be a good reaper. I’ll just do my job and stop fucking around.

75. KYLE: Listen, we’ve got a whole building full of “good reapers” at the DMV. I don’t need you to be a “good reaper”. I need you to be a good Rita. It says Rita on your file, remember? You don’t have a reaper name. You’re one of a kind. The DMV needs you. 

76. DEVLIN: Could the DMV need me too?

77. KYLE: [spooked] Jesus Christ!

78. RITA: Fuck, Dev. I forgot you were here. 

79. KYLE: And you are?

80. DEVLIN: I’m Devlin. 

81. KYLE: And you want to leave hell and work at the DMV?

82. DEVLIN: Yeah! Rita’s shown me that I have free will. I don’t have to be evil, just because I’m a demon. I think I could really turn over a new leaf. It’s all about choices, and I’m ready to make the right ones. 

83. KYLE: [aside to Rita] Do you want me to bust your friend out too? Do you think he could-

84. RITA: [aside to Kyle] No! NO! He was nice at first, but once he started getting to go to movie nights, I saw his true colors. 

85. KYLE: [aside to Rita, confused] What? What are you-

86. RITA: [aside to Kyle] His takes on movies are so bad, he HAS to be evil. He thinks Meryl Streep is overrated. His favorite director is Quentin Tarantino. [intense] He said The Mummy was the worst movie he’s ever seen. 

87. KYLE: [aside to Rita] He HAS to be talking about the Tom Cruise remake. 

88. RITA: [aside to Kyle] No. No he wasn’t. He doesn’t like Brendan Fraser. He actually LOVES Tom Cruise. 

89. KYLE: [aside to Rita] [gasp] Then you’re right, there’s no hope for him. [pause] What do we do? He’s staring at us though that grate. 

90. DEVLIN: Ummm, so...am I going with you?

91. KYLE: [whisper to Rita] Yeah, We’ve gotta ditch him. 

91. (SOUND) Kyle portal sound

92. DEVLIN: Wait- is that portal for me too? Where are you going? Where are-

93. (SOUND) Pants unzip

94. DEVLIN: No! Butthole!

95. RITA: I take it back, DEV. You CAN suck a wet fart outta this DIRTYYYY ASSHOLE. Brendan Fraser is America’s Sweetheart, you evil motherfucker. Only someone devoid of any goodness would HATE that sweet himbo. You could-

96. KYLE: [sigh] Rita, put your asshole away. We’ve gotta go. 

97. RITA: Give me a minute. I’m trying to fart. 

98. KYLE: You’re gonna be waiting a while. You can’t fart, remember? You don’t even have a corporeal body right now. You just look like it. 

99. RITA: Ughhh, next time you chat with R&D, I have list of suggested updates for when I’m corporeal. 

100. (SOUND) Pants zip up

101. RITA: In that case: See you never, DORK! Rot in hell. 

102. KYLE: [yelling to Devlin] TOM CRUISE IS ACTUALLY 2 HOBGOBLINS IN A SKIN SUIT. 

103. RITA: [laughs]

104. KYLE: [laughs] 

105. RITA: Is that true?

106. KYLE: Absolutely. That’s why he runs the way he does. 

107. RITA: Incredible. 

108. KYLE: You want some of my cold brew when we get back?

109. RITA: OOf, yeah. That sounds nice. [to Devlin] Smell ya’ later, boner juice. 

110. (SOUND) Portal closes

111. DEVLIN: [becoming more and more intensely evil and confident] I-I-I’ve been betrayed. This is what I get for trying to fight my true nature. They’ll never see me as anything more than a demon, so why fight that? Hmm...perhaps I’ll show them what evil truly looks like. Something so sinister, they’ll have to find a new descriptor for the atrocities I shall perpetrate, for evil will be too gentle of a term. [maniacal laugh] This has been a catalyst. Ohhh, you will pay, Rita. You will pay dearly for this betrayal. [maniacal laugh] You will kneel at the feet of Devlin, and you WILL WEEP! [maniacal laugh, cut off]

112. RANDOM PATIENT: [yelling] WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?! I’M TRYING TO READ!

113. DEVLIN: [yelling back] What are you reading?

114. RANDOM PATIENT: ONE OF THE ONLY THREE CHOICES IN THE LIBRARY, BATTLEFIELD EARTH. 

115. DEVLIN: OH! If you like that book, it would stand to reason that you like Tom Cruise?

116. RANDOM PATIENT: THIS IS HELL, MY FRIEND. OF COURSE, I DO. 

117. DEVLIN: Finally, I can talk to someone with taste. 

118. (SOUND) Interstitial 

119. (AD REEL) 

SCENE THREE: Sunny and Rita’s bedroom: 2:00PM

1. NARRATOR: Dawn and Sunny clumsily carried Rita’s lanky frame to hers and Sunny’s bedroom, and laid her on the bed. They dropped her twice, and she was still sound asleep. 

2. SUNNY: What do we do? I’ve never seen her sleep this soundly before. 

3. DAWN: Me neither. I can usually wake her up with just a tap on the-

4. RITA: [muttering in her sleep] Stop, please...Rider...gonna die.

5. SUNNY: [panicked] What’s happening to her in there?! 

6. DAWN: She said Rider. The Rider must be in her dreamscape. I’ve gotta get in there too. 

7. SUNNY: How are you gonna do that? What could you do?

8. (SOUND) rummaging through Pill bottles 

9. DAWN: I’m gonna find something in Rita’s pill stash to knock me out. 

10. SUNNY: How is that going to guarantee you go to her dreamscape?

11. DAWN: I don’t know that it will, but every time the Rider has been in there, I’ve been dragged along too. Maybe if I can fall asleep now, I’ll get pulled in there. [pause] Fuck! Half of these are amphetamines, and I don’t know what the other stuff is. 

12. (SOUND) Rummaging through pill bottles 

13. SUNNY: Here. These are sleeping pills. 

14. DAWN: [sigh] How many do I take? 

15. (SOUND) handling pill bottle

16. SUNNY: If you take 2, that will be the maximum safe dosage. 

17. DAWN: [deep breath, psyching herself up] Okay. I got this. 

18. RITA: [mumbling scared noises] 

19. SUNNY: [concerned] Oh no, I’ve never heard her sound scared like that before. [pause] Are you nervous about the dreamscape?

20. DAWN: Yeah, but mostly about the pills. Last time I took a sleeping pill-

21. SUNNY: -Oh, no. You died. 

22. DAWN: Yep. [pause] Well, see you on the other side. 

23. SUNNY: You’ve got Dr. Sunny here now. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise. [hugging Dawn] I’ll see you when you wake up. Go save our girl. 

24. NARRATOR: Sunny grabbed Dawn a sparkling water from the fridge, and she downed two of Rita’s stolen sleeping pills. She lay on the bed beside Rita, and closed her eyes. Her mind raced. She didn’t feel sleepy. Were those really sleeping pills? Did Rita stick something else in the bottle with the sleeping pill label? Oh no, had Rita found the ketamine she’d been trying to get? Does ketamine even come in pills? How long had her eyes been closed? She grew anxious that she wouldn’t get to sleep in time to help Rita. Dawn opened her eyes in a panic. She wasn’t in Rita and Sunny’s bedroom anymore. 

25. (SOUND) Sobbing woman 

26. (SOUND) Magical force field being hit

27. (SOUND) BAMF noises before force field hits

28. HUSBAND: It’s no use, demon. You’re trapped

29. RIDER: I AM NO DEMON. I’LL KILL YOU. 

30. HUSBAND: You should have finished me off yesterday, when you had your sword through my shoulder. 

31. DAWN: The Rider. I forgot, they can poof like Rita. 

32. RIDER: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO KILL HIM, WITCH. 

33. SORCERESS: He had my son! He was going to kill my son!

34. RITA: [softly crying] 

35. HUSBAND: And with that useless little brat as leverage, I got her to set up a little magical trap for when you came back. I’ll get my revenge. 

36. RIDER: I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU. 

37. DAWN: Rita? Rita, where- Rita!

38. NARRATOR: Rocking back and forth in the corner, knees clutched to his chest, was Geoffrey, the witch’s son. Rita was at his side, facing him, rather than the drama playing out in the room. She stared at him with tear filled eyes. 

39. (SOUND) Following lines happen muffled, while Rita and Dawn talk

40. HUSBAND: I KNOW you’d kill me! Until this harlot of a sorceress I married finds a way to kill you, you’ll stay in this trap. 

41. RIDER: Death will come for me. 

42. HUSBAND: Yeah, sure will, once we kill you. 

43. RIDER: No, you fool. Death is my creator. You’ll pray you had died the first time we met, once they arrive. You’ll know fear the likes you could never fathom. 

44. HUSBAND: Psshh, sure. Big talk from the wee one stuck in the magic box. 

45. SORCERESS: I’m sorry. I had no choice. My son. He was going to kill my-

46. (SOUND) Slap

47. HUSBAND: And I’ll do it, if you don’t stop speaking when you aren’t spoken to. Stop yammering, and find out what this thing is, and how to kill it. 

48. SORCERESS: I-I wouldn’t know where to start, I-I don’t know how long that would take. 

49. HUSBAND: Well, then in the meantime, we can see if this thing is likely to die from starvation. [to the Rider] Do you eat? [pause] Fine then, don’t give the wee one any food. I need to go talk to the chieftain. 

50. (SOUND) End of muffled lines, fade in sooner if needed

51. RITA: You’re not supposed to be seeing this. You’re not supposed to see it. We can’t look. Stop looking. We’re not supposed to be here. You weren’t supposed to see this. I had no choice. It’s all my fault. How was I supposed to-

52. DAWN: Rita? Rita. Rita, hey. It’s your Li’l Buddy. Rita. Can you hear me? RITA!

53. (SOUND) Slap

54. RITA: [ouchie noise] Dawn? 

55. DAWN: I jumped in here save you. Do we just wait for the Rider to finish showing us what’s happening? 

56. RITA: [sniffle, tearing up] I don’t think this is the Rider’s doing. 

57. DAWN: What? What is this? What are we watching? 

58. RITA: [crying] I think this is MY memory. 

59. (SOUND) Argument with the Rider fades back in

60. (SOUND) Husband’s footsteps walk away

61. (SOUND) Old wooden door opens and slams shut

62. RIDER: Why did you not kill him?

63. SORCERESS: He was going to kill my son. 

64. RIDER: He’ll kill many more people, now that you’ve let him live. 

65. SORCERESS: That boy- he’s- I’d give my own life, just for the guarantee that he’d never be hurt. Have you ever felt that connected to another person? [pause] Yeah, I figured as much. You wouldn’t be asking me questions, if you’d ever loved anyone that much. 

66. RIDER: So you’re going to help your oaf of a husband find a way to kill me? 

67. SORCERESS: N-no, I-I don’t know what I’m doing yet. I won’t help him kill you. You said you’re Death would be coming for you? 

68. RIDER: [unsure] Y-yes. They will come for me. 

69. SORCERESS: Hmm...you’re not sure they will, are you?

70. RIDER: I-I don’t. They’ll come for me! They will! I’m one of their children, I-

71. SORCERESS: Well, I don’t imagine they make a very good parent, if you’re still confused as to how I chose to save my son. 

72. RIDER: Th-they’ll come for me. They will. 

73. SORCERESS: I-I think I can create a way to summon death. 

74. RIDER: R-really? 

75. SORCERESS: I do. I can tell my husband I’m working on n a way to kill you. This may take a while. 

76. RIDER: Time is nothing to me. Do what you will, witch. 

77. SORCERESS: Can I at least see your face, if we are to be stuck together for some time?

78. NARRATOR: The familiar red glow began to emanate from under the Rider’s hood. Dawn watched intently, waiting to see the face of the mystery person. Rita still had her eyes glued on little Geoffrey, who was rocking back and forth, and staring at the floor. As soon as the Rider’s hands reached the sides of their hood, the red glow became blinding, and Dawn and Rita woke up. 

79. DAWN: [gasp]

80. RITA: [gasp] 

81. SUNNY: Oh my god! You’re okay. I was getting worried. 

82. (SOUND) Sunny laying some Smoochies on Rita’s face

83. SUNNY: [verge of crying] I was so scared I lost you both. 

84. DAWN: What? Why?

85. SUNNY: It just took so long. 

86. DAWN: Hold on, what time is it? It got dark while we were in there?

87. SUNNY: It’s 4:00AM.

88. RITA: Oh, I got you home alright! Yes! I poofed the whole truck?!

89. SUNNY: Yeah, baby. It was amazing. 

90. RITA: Woo! Glad nobody got split in half. 

91. SUNNY: [quietly to Rita] I’m so glad you’re back, I oughta see if I can try to split you in half later. [giggles, still teary eyed]

92. RITA: [giggles] With the-

93. SUNNY: [flirty] Yeah, with the-

94. DAWN: Okay, first- gross. Second, are we gonna talk about what the fuck we just saw? 

95. SUNNY: Oh yeah! It sounded like you saw someone you knew in there? 

96. RITA: Huh? 

97. SUNNY: You were talking in your sleep again. 

98. DAWN: What did she say? 

99. SUNNY: You’d occasionally say, “Don’t trust her, you can’t trust her.” 

100. DAWN: [small gasp, to Rita] The sorceress! You said it was your memory, right? 

101. RITA: I-I know I’ve seen it before, but I don’t know. If I was talking about the sorceress, that would mean-

102. DAWN: That would mean that somehow, you’re The Rider. 

103. (MUSIC) Outtro