The Ole’ Lickety Split

Well jeez, last we saw Sunny, she found herself in quite the tempting predicament, huh? Perhaps this episode provides a resolution to the cliffhanger we left you on last time, or maybe it doesn’t, because life isn’t fair. (Just kidding! It does. We love you. We wouldn’t leave you hanging.)

See what the stars have in store for you this week. It can’t be as bad as getting your face peeled off. Carmilla befriends a youth pastor. Crawford cries about his momma not taking him for walkies,

Dawn discovers the absolute depravity contained in the fanfic written by a wasp demon. 
                                                                                                                                                                 
P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 19? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!

Cast:
Narrator, Crawford -  Sean Turner @seanwkturner

Dawn, Genevieve, Acindina   - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid

 E-Vamp 1, Pastor Thadd, Vampire 1 -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale

Sunny, Abel, Carmilla  - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222

Rita, Sabine, Ricardo- Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Brianne’s Appearance on Pickadisc:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-black-parade-my-chemical-romance-with-brianne-leeson/id1451187772?i=1000524576547

Original theme music  by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Transcript

Rating Introduction:

1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.

Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 

Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 

Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for you.

2. (Previously on) 

SCENE ONE: Abel O’Connell’s House: 10PM

(SOUND) Whatever music we had the energy vampires listening to in episode 18

1. SUNNY: [growl]

2. (SOUND) Teeth coming out

3. GENEVIEVE: [frightened reaction] crying

4. SABINE: [terribly horny] Mmmm, someone is excited. You popped ein fanger. Part of me is jealous that this little witch had that effect on you and not my dress. Would you like a bite?

5. GENEVIEVE: [crying] 

6. SUNNY: [growl] More than anything. 

7. (SOUND) Vampire party ambience ends

8. (SOUND) Nighttime ambience from inside ice cream truck

9. (SOUND) frantically Digging through gear in the ice cream truck

10. DAWN: [panicked, looking for stuff in the truck] Shiitake mushroom. Shiitake mushroom. Shiitake mushroom. Shiitake mushroom!

11. RITA: SHIITAKE MUSHROOM. SHIITAKE MUSHROOM!!!!! SHIITAKE MUSHROOOOM! SHIITAKE MUSHROOM. SHIIIIIITAKKEEEEEE MUSHHHHHROOOOM!!!!!!

12. (SOUND) Nighttime ambience ends

13. (SOUND) Party ambience resumes 

14. GENEVIEVE: [crying] 

15. SABINE: Go ahead. Don’t mind me. I like to watch. 

16. SUNNY: [growl]

17. GENEVIEVE: [startled, crying] 

18. (SOUND) Banging on door

19. SABINE: [exasperated] Oh, mein Gott. What the fuck. I thought everyone was here. 

20. (SOUND) Banging on door

21. SABINE: I’m coming! [aside to Sunny] Hold on, my darling. Don’t start without me. 

22. (SOUND) footsteps 

23. (SOUND) door opens 

24. SABINE: [disappointed] Oh. Veronica. I don’t recall inviting you. 

25. RITA: [snooty voice, nervous] Ohhhh, I knowwwww. I just couldn’t help myselfff.

26. SABINE: Und why are you dressed like common gutter trash?

27. RITA: [regular Rita voice] Hey, bitch! You listen-

28. DAWN: [to rita, under her breath] Stop. Stop it. [to Sabine] It’s a costume! We were at a costume party!

29. SABINE: But it’s nowhere close to the Halloweens- hey, what is a human doing with a vampire, and...and whatever Veronica here is?

30. DAWN: Ummm, I’m...Inga?

31. SABINE: Was that a question?

32. DAWN: Uhhh, no! Of course not. I’m Inga. I’m their assistant. Uhhh...I have a deal with Veronica. If I give her ten years of service, Veronica will make me like her. 

33. SABINE: Ya, und what is that?

34. DAWN: If you don’t know what Veronica is, you aren’t meant to know. Let’s just say that she’s older than any vampire you’ve ever met. 

35. SABINE: Hmm...seriously? 

36. DAWN: For real. So that means, feeding on me is off limits, or you will suffer the wrath of the Boobenheimers. [pause] Can we come in?

37. SABINE: [sigh] Ja, sure. Sit your RUCK-sack over there, if you wish. 

38. DAWN: No thank you. The backpack stays right here. I might need it. 

39. SABINE: Ja, whatever. 

40. (SOUND) Door closing

41. (SOUND) Footsteps walking in

42. NARRATOR: Dawn and Rita walked into the immense foyer of the McMansion. Rita spotted Sunny, fangs out, eagerly eyeing the neck of a young woman who was bound with zip ties in front of her. She could see the turmoil on Sunny’s face. She walked over to her, and put her arm around her waist, partly to comfort her, and partly to keep her from the young witch in front of them. 

43. RITA: [snooty voice] Bitsie, my darling. I grew weary of the costume party, and I thought I’d join you here. My god, your bazongas look immaculate in that dress. 

44. (SOUND) Footsteps walking in

45. SUNNY: [in Rita’s ear, struggling, verge of tears] Please get me out of here. I can’t do this. Please. I’ve never wanted to eat someone this much before. [pained] it hurts, Rita, please. 

46. RITA: [normal voice, in Sunny’s ear] I’m gonna get you out of here, Sunshine. I promise. Dawnie and I are working on it. You can do this. You’re good to the core. 

47. ABEL: [extremely texas] Well, hooooo-we! It must be my dang birthday. We got a lady in zip ties, a blonde woman with, pardon my French, tig-ole’ bitties, a German beauty with 6-pack abs-

48. RITA: [snooty voice] Hahahah! You’re fucking gross!

49. SABINE: [giggles] Oh, Abel.

50. ABEL: -and a short and thicc...human? Did someone bring me food? 

51. SABINE: Nein, she’s off limits. She works for Bitsie and Veronica, here. 

52. ABEL: Well, dang. I coulda gone for a li’l snack. [aside to vamps at the computers] Ya’ll at the laptops! Give us some privacy. I want to talk to my beautiful guests. 

53. E-VAMP 1: But we were going to-

54. ABEL: [scary voice filter] Son, I said to get your ass outta here. 

55. E-VAMP 1: [scared] Y-yes. Yes sir. 

56. (SOUND) footsteps walking out of the room, four sets

57. ABEL: [calling out to people walking away] Ya’ll feel free to relax in my home theatre. I’ve got every Steven Seagal movie ever made up there, and the 2019 Cats movie. 

58. RITA: [snooty voice] Mr. O’Connell, I was unaware this was your home. 

59. ABEL: Sure is, sugar. You certainly are alternative looking. What are you? You ain’t a vampire. What’s your name, darlin’? 

60. RITA: Veronica. Veronica Boobenheimer. And I’m prohibited from telling you what I am. 

61. ABEL: Pleasure to meet you, Veronica. I like a mysterious woman. [to Sunny] And what about you, honey? What’s your name?

62. SUNNY: [trying to keep it together] I- Uhhh. I’m. I can’t-

63. RITA: This is my wife, Bitsie. That won’t be a problem, will it? I’ve heard your radio show, and I know you don’t care for us homosexuals. 

64. ABEL: Oh, that’s all an act, ya’ll! I’m as queer as a three dollar bill. 

65. DAWN: What? Why do you spout a bunch of homophobic stuff on your talk radio show?

66. ABEL: To feed! I can get these old conservatives whipped into a frenzy, with a single suggestion of some “gay agenda”. Last week, I told them that the Illuminati were using cold brew coffee to give Americans a drug that makes them crave gay sex. 

67. DAWN: They believed that?

68. SABINE: [laughs] You humans will believe anything, if someone says it with enough conviction. 

69. ABEL: Enough of them thought about it, that I could go without feeding for the next three months. 

70. RITA: And now I want cold brew more than anything. [laugh] 

71. ABEL: [laughs] Right? More hot men and iced coffee for daddy. 

72. DAWN: So the whole conservative thing is an act?

73. ABEL: Yep. I get food, I get money. I couldn’t care less about human politics. I don’t even know how they work. That’s the beauty of it. My listeners don’t care if I have any knowledge about politics. They just want me to yell about conspiracy theories that feed their latent fears and biases. 

74. RITA: [snooty voice] Yes! I also love being morally bankrupt! [fake laugh] Humanity is expendable! Hahaha! 

75. DAWN: [grossed out] Wow, genius. 

76. ABEL: I know, I know. [to Sunny] Now, it looks like you were about to enjoy your dinner. Why don’t you finish up, and we can retire to my study to talk?

77. SABINE: Ja, Bitsie. I want to see you enjoy your dinner. 

78. GENEVIEVE: P-please..please, I-

79. (SOUND) slap

80. ABEL: DINNER. DOESN’T. TALK.

81. RITA: She’s really fine. She ate earlier. Let’s just go to your study. 

82. ABEL: She looks awful hungry to me. [to sunny] Go ahead, sugar. Eat. 

83. GENEVIEVE: [crying] 

84. SUNNY: [growl]

85. RITA: [in Sunny’s ear] Babe, think about the Murphy’s. Think about your family. You can’t go back to them if you’ve killed someone. 

86. SUNNY: [scary vampire attack noise]

87. GENEVIEVE: [gasp] 

88. NARRATOR: Sunny only seemed to be there physically. A predator had taken up residence behind her normally gentle eyes. She lunged at the young woman. 

89. DAWN: [booming voice filter] SUNNY, STOP!

90. NARRATOR: Sunny froze. Her eyes went blank, and her hands dropped to her sides. Her fangs retracted. 

91. SABINE: What the fuck was that?! Your human is a witch?! 

92. ABEL: You brought a witch, with THAT kind of powerful magic, into my home?!

93. RITA: [snooty voice] Haha! Well, you see...she...It’s just- [regular voice] Oh, fuck it. Jig’s up. 

94. (SOUND) RITA BAMF 

95. RITA: My name isn’t Veronica. 

96. SABINE: [gasp] 

97. ABEL: A reaper!

98. RITA: Well, not technically. 

99. (SOUND) scythe slash

100. ABEL: [getting slashed in half noises]

101. SABINE: [gasp] 

102. (SOUND) Abel turning into a thousand cockroaches

103. GENEVIEVE: [scared as hell, sobbing] 

104. RITA: [grossed out noises] Sunshine, when you feel like yourself again, I sure hope you remember that I- [cockroach on her leg] dealt with a bunch of roaches for you. 

105. SABINE: [grossed out, shocked] Ach! Sheiße!

106. RITA: [grossed out noises] 

107. DAWN: Sunny? Sunny, come here. [pause] Uhh...I can come to you. 

108. SABINE: You step the fuck back. I’m gonna fucking kill you. 

109. DAWN: [bluffing] Like you fucking could. Telling that vampire what to do was only the tip of the iceberg. I’m the most powerful witch you’ll ever meet. 

110. SABINE: Hahahah! You think I believe that? 

111. DAWN: You should. What the fuck are you gonna do to me? Make a mean comment? I know what you are. 

112. SABINE: Oh, liebling. You’ve never met an energy vampire like me. 

113. (SOUND) Electricity crackling

114. NARRATOR: Blue electricity began crackling up Sabine’s arms. Her eyes began to glow the same shade of blue. She grabbed the crying girl. 

115. RITA: [to dawn] Uhhhh, Li’l Buddy, I’ve never seen one of them do that before. 

116. DAWN: Put her down!

117. SABINE: [laughs] [scary voice filter] Or what? What could you possibly do to me? I could end this girl right now, if I wanted to. 

118. (SOUND) Punch

119. SABINE: [gets punched in the throat] 

120. SUNNY: I don’t know what Dawn’s gonna do, but I’m gonna beat the shit out of you, you evil bitch. 

121. RITA: Sunshine!

122. SUNNY: Hi, baby. 

123. DAWN: You still got the bloodlust?

124. SUNNY: Absolutely, but I think I’m more angry than anything, right now. 

125. RITA: I mean, that’s an improvement, I guess? 

126. DAWN: You’re outnumbered, Sabine. You really want to take on a witch, a vampire, and whatever the fuck Rita is?

127. SABINE: Uhh...I, uhhh...NO!

128. (SOUND) Energy vampire teleport noise

129. RITA: That’s certainly unusual. 

130. DAWN: Where’d she go? 

131. SUNNY: Energy vampires can teleport?

132. RITA: I guess if they’re powered by a huge social media platform, they can. [pause] 

133. DAWN: Well, she’s a problem for another day. How about I go toss a shit bomb or two at the ones upstairs watching Steven Seagal movies, and we get the fuck out of here? 

134. RITA: Sounds good. 

135. (SOUND) Dawn running off 

136. RITA: Sunshine, you okay?

137. SUNNY: [freaking out] I was about to do it. I was about to eat her.

138. RITA: No you weren’t! 

139. SUNNY: YES! YES I WAS! IF DAWN HADN’T DONE WHATEVER THAT WAS, I WOULD HAVE KILLED HER!

140. (SOUND) Muffled magic bomb 

141. GENEVIEVE: [starts sobbing again, give us sobbing that starts to subside when sunny leaves]

142. RITA: Babe, I don’t-

143. SUNNY: GO COMFORT HER! Why are you talking to me right now? I’m the fucking monster that nearly ate her. [exasperated] I-I’m gonna wait outside. I can’t be in here with her. 

144. (SOUND) Sunny walking away

145. (SOUND) Large door open/close

146. RITA: H-hi. I-I’m sorry about all of that. I should have checked on you sooner. My name is Rita. 

147. GENEVIEVE: [sniffling] M-my name is Genevieve. 

148. RITA: And where are you from, Genevieve? You don’t sound like you’re from Texas. 

149. (SOUND) Muffled Magic Bomb 

150. GENEVIEVE: Quebec. I’m on a road trip across America with my parents. I’m only 20...I-I-[sobbing]

151. RITA: Hey! Hey, it’s okay. You need a hug? [pause] There we go. How did these jokers manage to capture a French Canadian witch?

152. GENEVIEVE: Th-the energy vampires took me earlier today. I was at the Riverwalk, and I got separated from my parents. Before I knew it, I was in the back of a van. 

153. RITA: When my friend gets back, we’ll get her phone, and we can call your parents, okay?

154. (SOUND) DAWN’s footsteps fade in

155. GENEVIEVE: [nervous] Please, don’t let that her come back in here. Please, I beg of you, don’t-

156. RITA: No! The vampire? Not her, the other one. 

157. GENEVIEVE: NO! Please, Please, no. Not the witch. Please. 

158. RITA: Hold up, why are you scared of Dawn?

159. GENEVIEVE: Nobody should have access to that power. Sh-she commanded the vampire, sh-she, nobody should control the dead. Please, please don’t let the necromancer near me. 

160. RITA: Necromancer?!

161. DAWN: Fucking what? 

162. (MUSIC) Interstitial 

163. (AD REEL) 

SCENE TWO: Deep Ellum: Midnight

1. (SOUND) Street noises, night

2. (SOUND) footsteps walking on concrete 

3. THADD: [on phone, trying to hide that he’s drunk] I SAID, I’ll come home when I’m good and ready.

Why are you getting in the way of the Lord’s work? I’m out here ministering to these drunks and homosexuals in Deep Ellum, I’m in the DIRT here, and you’re complaining that you can’t handle our kids? [pause]

That’s the job that the good lord gave you when he made you a woman. [sigh] Why did God not see fit to give me the submissive wife I need for my ministry. [pause]

Now, you get Isaac and Jacob in bed. I don’t care if they miss me. Tell them to be real boys and stop crying. [pause]

Now you’re crying? Man alive, get it together, Rachel. [pause] 

Good. I’m glad you’re sorry. Now, I’ll be home when I can. I still have to show these degenerates the love of Jesus. Bye, honey. 

4. (SOUND) call disconnect beep 

5. THADD: [exhale] [Carmilla grabs him by the throat and pins him to a brick wall in an alley] 

6. CARMILLA: Hello, Pastor Thadd.

7. THADD: Who in the- [muffled talking, Carmilla has a hand over his mouth] 

8. CARMILLA: Shhhh...I’ve been following you all day. It seems you are quite the bad boy.

9. THADD: [muffled, scared noises]

10. CARMILLA: I’ve seen what you’ve done, all the bad things you’ve done in the name of your god. 

11. THADD: [muffled, scared sounds]

12. CARMILLA: [chuckles] Right now, you’re probably running through a list of your transgressions in your head, wondering which one I’m talking about. That is, if you even have the theory of mind to understand what qualifies as a transgression. Here’s a clue, I don’t care that you were out drinking with the youth pastor’s wife this evening. Or that you’re fucking her. Although, she’s pregnant, you know. That won’t be your problem for long. 

13. THADD: [muffled until Carmilla removes hand] - I am covered in the blood of The Lamb, Lord Jesus. He will protect me from- [muffled again, Carmilla covers his mouth again] 

14. CARMILLA: [hearty laugh, turns deadly serious] You think Jesus would have liked you sending that young trans boy to a conversion camp? Would he have liked it when you told that abused woman that she was committing a sin by coming forward with what happened to her? Huh? Don’t try to answer. I know what you- [pause], I know what- [pause] GOD DAMN IT, TRAPPER! JUST GET THE FUCK OUT HERE. 

15. SOUND) Slow, reluctant footsteps 

16. CRAWFORD: M-momma, I’m- I just was worried about- You’ve been gone all day. 

17. CARMILLA: SHUT UP! You’re lucky I’m busy lecturing this white supremacist piece of shit, before I kill him, or I’d beat the hell out of you. 

18. THADD: [freaked out at what Carmilla just said] 

19. CARMILLA: [to Thadd, venomous] Shut. The fuck. UP, while I talk to my child. Rude. 

20. CRAWFORD: [sticking up for himself] Momma, I’m tired of you not letting me in on everything. I’ve proven myself to you for 100 years. You’ve been talking to yourself more and more, and you’ve been going on these...walks. I can help you! I want to help you! Whatever you’re killing this guy for, I-I- can be useful. Please, I-

21. CARMILLA: [sigh] Well, the very fact that you’re here means I can’t do what I’d intended to do. 

22. CRAWFORD: [confused] Just me being here? I don’t-

23. CARMILLA: YES, you can’t be here for this. 

24. CRAWFORD: [hurt] Why?

25. CARMILLA: I-I just- [laughs] Why am I trying to explain myself to you? You can’t be there on my outings, because I FUCKING SAID SO. Defy me again, and I’ll rip you to pieces with my bare hands. 

26. CRAWFORD: [crying] Oh-okay, momma. I-I-

27. CARMILLA: Enough with your fucking mewling, you absolute child. [pause] Now, I may not be able to finish the task at hand, but if you let me finish monologuing at this bastard, we can have a late dinner and eat this fundamentalist. 

28. CRAWFORD: [excited] Really?!

29. CARMILLA: [sigh] Yesss, but then, you need to call in a disposal unit for his body, and you need to leave me the fuck alone for the evening. I still have an itch I need to scratch, or else I’ll keep talking to myself like a fucking loon. 

30. CRAWFORD: Okay, momma. I promise. I’ll leave you alone. 

31. CARMILLA: Good! Now, where were we? [clears throat] Pastor Thadd, I’ve MET Jesus. He spent his days with prostitutes. He healed a Roman guard’s gay lover. He made a fucking WHIP, so he could go beat the shit out of some capitalists. As someone who met the guy, I think I have the authority to say he’d think you’re a piece of shit. [pause] Now, how about a last communion, of sorts?

32. THADD: [muffled, anguished sound, as Carmilla punches into his chest]

33. NARRATOR: As easily as one would punch into a paper bag, Carmilla removed the hand she’d had on Pastor Thadd’s throat, and plunged it into his chest. 

34. CARMILLA: [chuckle] This is your blood.

35. (SOUND) Ripping a heart out of a chest

36. (SOUND) Heartbeat 

37. NARRATOR: Carmilla pulled out his heart, and held it in front of his face. Crawford smiled, standing behind her. 

38. CARMILLA: [sinister] And this...is your body. [chuckle] Amen. 

39. CRAWFORD: [giddy laugh] Amen! Time for dinner, Momma? 

40. CARMILLA: Of course, darling. Didn’t you just hear me say grace? 

41. (SOUND) Vampires ripping into a guy

42. THADD: [gnarly wet dying noises] 

SCENE THREE: Telemundo: Morning news

1. (SOUND) Static

2. ACINDINA: Police are still looking into leads on the string of missing men in Dallas over the past two months. The men include a local high school football coach, a city councilman, and the frontman of the local hardcore band, “Slut Soup”. If you have any information regarding the disappearances, please contact the police tip line. [pause, tone change] And now, to start your new week on a much more positive note, let’s see what the stars have in store for you as we head into Monday. Let’s turn it over to LatineMundo’s resident astrologist, psychic medium, and certified makeup artist, Ricardo Estrella!

3. (MUSIC) Celestial sounding intro chimes

4. RICARDO: Hola, Acindina.

5. ACINDINA: Híjole! [less professional] Ricky, are you good?

6. RICARDO: No. No I am not. 

7. ACINDINA: What, should we cut to- are you?

8. RICARDO: No, don’t cut. I can talk. 

9. ACINDINA: Uhhh, okay. 

10. RICARDO: [ragged, tired] I have the most important message I’ve ever gotten from the stars for you today. Do you all know my niece? Well, DID YOU know my niece? Goth Street Magician, Izzy Estrella?

11. ACINDINA: [under her breath] cut his mic. Cut his-

12. RICARDO: [slightly more unhinged] They found her body on Friday. She’s not missing anymore, but her face is! They skinned it. They took her face. 

13. ACINDINA: Hijo de puta, am I talking to myself, Estevan? cut his mic-

14. RICARDO: YOU’RE NOT CUTTING ANYTHING! 

15. ACINDINA: [gasp] 

16. RICARDO: I’ve been in communion with the spirits in the otherworld all weekend. You see, when my niece and I claim to be sorcerers, it’s not a joke.

17. ACINDINA: What in the hell-

18. RICARDO: THE SPIRITS REVEALED TO ME A PLOT TO DESTROY HUMANITY! Izzy was killed as part of a plot by Sanguis Pharmaceuticals, to feed humanity to demon overlords! Carmilla Gwyar is a she demon! DO NOT TAKE THE NEW LONGEVITY DRUG WHEN IT ARRIVES. IT WILL TAKE FAR MORE FROM YOU THAN IT GIVES. CARMILLA WILL FEED THE WORLD TO A KING OF HELL, SHE’LL-

19. ACINDINA: CUT THE FEED! I SAID CUT THE FU-

20. (SOUND) STATIC

SCENE FOUR: Ice Cream Truck: 10:30 AM

1. NARRATOR: After Genevieve was reunited with her parents, Dawn grabbed the four laptops that the energy vampires had been using, and they left the now late- Abel O’Connell’s house. After a rough night’s sleep, they packed up their belongings from the AirBnB, and began their journey back home to Dallas. Dawn drove the truck, Sunny rode shotgun, and Rita took her place between the freezer’s in the back. 

2. (SOUND) Muffled road sounds 

3. RITA: So there really wasn’t anything useful on that wasp demon’s flash drive?

4. DAWN: [shudder] I don’t want to talk about it. 

5. RITA: Oh my god, it was super niche porn, wasn’t it?

6. DAWN: [disgusted] Worse. 

7. RITA: Worse?! 

8. DAWN: [sigh] It had 8 hours worth of Joe Rogan episodes, and a smutty Big Bang Theory fanfic that was so disgusting, I’d rather hear you talk about that time you did kinky shit with James Joyce and his wife, again. 

9. RITA: Haha! James and Nora were a GAS. 

10. DAWN: Gross!

11. RITA: But following Glen was really all for nothing? 

12. DAWN: It wasn’t completely useless. I found a single file that had some stuff about the Sanguis app on it. 

13. RITA: What did you learn? 

14. DAWN: It looked like notes from a meeting, but not the whole meeting. It looks like anyone who gets the new Sanguis drug will have to sign something agreeing to download this app. They’re so adamant about it, there’s even a program to provide free phones and WiFi to anyone who wants the drug, but doesn’t have either. 

15. RITA: Carmilla’s gonna be out here passing out smart phones and hot spots? That can’t be good. 

16. DAWN: Right? They really want everyone to take this fucking drug. I just wish I had more clues as to why. How is this going to enable her to stop feeding Ambrogio? 

17. RITA: [sigh] Sunshine, you’re awfully quiet. Any thoughts from our resident vampire? 

18. SUNNY: [not paying attention] Hmm? Oh, sorry. I wasn’t listening. 

19. RITA: You okay, baby? 

20. SUNNY: [kind of snotty] No. Why the fuck would I be okay? I almost killed an innocent witch last night.

21. RITA: But you didn’t! 

22. SUNNY: Yeah, just because Dawn did...whatever she did, and stopped me. 

23. DAWN: Yeah, why did the French Canadian kid say I’m a necromancer? 

24. RITA: I mean, Sunny is technically dead- no offense, gorgeous-

25. SUNNY: -none taken. 

26. RITA: And you did command her.

27. DAWN: I- I don’t know what came over me. I just knew that the last thing I’d want Sunny to do, and the last thing she’d want to do, is hurt that girl. She didn’t even look like herself anymore. She looked like a deranged, wild animal- no offense-

28. SUNNY: Uhhh, some taken. 

29. DAWN: Sorry- but, I don’t know, I just- I had to talk to Sunny. You were still in there. So I tried to yell loud enough for you to hear me and stop. I think I’m gonna ask Dax about it. It looked a lot like the Warlock thing they can do to command people. Maybe I just have a knack. 

30. RITA: Okay, sure. Death literally told you they left you “a gift” the other day. 

31. DAWN: Yeah.

32. RITA: I’d say you commanded my hot dead girlfriend not to kill that girl, because you’re a Necromancer. 

33. SUNNY: Well, you won’t have to worry about me tying to eat people anymore. I can’t go on any more of these adventures with you. 

34. DAWN: What?!

35. RITA: Baby, no!

36. SUNNY: I almost KILLED someone!!

37. RITA: Someone HAND PICKED to tempt you! Sabine wanted you to give her the ole’ lickety split SO BADLY, she tried to find the yellow starburst or humans for you to eat. 

38. DAWN: The yellow starburst of humans? 

39. RITA: Yeah, the most delicious human she could find. 

40. DAWN: That’s the worst possible take on starburst flavors I’ve ever heard. Any child could tell you that pink is the clear winner. That’s a worse take than your conspiracy theory that Papa John split up Daft Punk. 

41. RITA: THE EVIDENCE IS ALL THERE. THE MAN HAS A STATUE OF EAGLES FUCKING IN HIS FOYER, HE’S CAPABLE OF- 

42. SUNNY: [clears throat]

43. RITA: Oof, sorry baby. Dawnie got me really hot about candy and pizza moguls. [pause] ANYWAY, they found you the tastiest treat they possibly could, and you managed. It’s not very likely that someone is going to hand pick the rarest of forbidden snacks, and try to force you to eat them again. 

44. SUNNY: I mean, I guess. But, what if Dawn isn’t there and-

45. DAWN: Impossible. I’m always going to be there to help. 

46. SUNNY: You can’t know that. 

47. DAWN: Are you ever going to be very far from Rita?

48. SUNNY: Not if I can help it. 

49. DAWN: And I can’t get rid of this jerk if I tried. Literally. Wherever she goes, I go. But magical tether aside, you have us. We’re gonna make sure you’re okay. We did it in the 60’s, and we’ll do it now. 

50. SUNNY: [feeling some better] I-I guess you’re right. I’ve just never felt that out of control before, and I’m scared. Do you think you could command me again? Like, if we were ever in another situation like that? 

51. DAWN: Honestly, I don’t know. Rita, what’s the deal with necromancers?

52. RITA: I don’t know. 

53. DAWN: Nothing? You know absolutely nothing?

54. RITA: They’re a footnote in the DMV training videos. They’re supposed to be ultra rare. Like the “Blue Eyes, White Dragon” of witches. Kyle said not to concern ourselves about them.

55. DAWN: Well, I just got used to the fact that I’m a witch, and I’m just getting the handle on this artificer stuff. If, by some stretch, I’m ALSO a Necromancer, I’d say we should definitely concern ourselves about it. 

56. (SOUND) phone ringing

57. (SOUND) Smooth jazz

58. NARRATOR: Meanwhile, three cars behind them, two SUV’s full of Sanguis security personnel began to follow the ladies. 

59. VAMPIRE 1: We have them spotted. Do we execute our extraction protocol now?

60. CRAWFORD: [on phone] Nah, let’s get ya’ll a little farther away from civilians. [pondering] Make it obvious that you’re following them. I want them to notice. My bet is, they’ll try to be do-gooders, and get you off of the main roads so nobody gets hurt. 

61. VAMPIRE 1: And then?

62. CRAWFORD: And then, you take all three of them alive. 

63. VAMPIRE: Three? The dossier only says the witch and the reaper. Are we-

64. CRAWFORD: YOU GET ME MY SUNNY! I HAVE TO SAVE HER FROM THAT ABMOMINATION!

65. VAMPIRE 1: Jesus, okay. I-

66. CRAWFORD: What was that?

67. VAMPIRE 1: Yes sir! I mean, Yes sir. We’ll get you all three. 

68. CRAWFORD: Be careful. They’re armed, and highly dangerous. 

69. VAMPIRE 1: [chuckles] I think we’ll be alright. I was in the trenches in WWII, I think I can handle three women. 

70. CRAWFORD: You’d better be able to. If anything happens to your trucks, there’s a backup enchantment that will be triggered. 

71. VAMPIRE 1: Fuck, you mean-

72. CRAWFORD: [chuckling] If they make it through ya’ll, all hell breaks loose. 

73. OUTTRO