Inga and the Boobenheimers

In this episode,  Sunny conducts a science experiment so sexy, Bill Nye is SHOOK. Rita and Sunny make us wonder if they ever went through an improv group phase in college. Dawn, on the other hand, shows us that she’s not great at “Yes, and,” but she MIGHT speak Finnish.  Rita reminisces with a guy named Russell, who has definitely met her before.  Crawford raises his voice to his mom, who is not acting like her usual #girlboss self. Dawn gets overwhelmed, and finds comfort in butthole bears. 
                                                                                                                                                                 
P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 17? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!

Cast:
Narrator, Crawford, Guard -  Sean Turner @seanwkturner
Dawn, Vampire  - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid
Russell, Spencer Pendragon -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale
Sunny, Carmilla - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222
Rita - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original music  by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Transcript

Rating Introduction:

1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.

Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 

Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 

Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for you.

(Previously on) 

SCENE ONE: AirBnB San Antonio: 9:00 AM

(SOUND) Morning birdsong, nature, muffled through window

(SOUND) Occasional rumpled covers

1. NARRATOR: After contacting Death, Dawn explained her Lucky Winner situation to the trio of Alchemists. Then, she drew up specifications for a potion launcher and gave them to Nigel. Dawn took a picture of the spherical, magic bomb blueprints in her artificer’s book, and texted the photo to Xander. They would keep in touch, should either have questions about their new projects. All the while, Hink wrote out the recipe for liquid fire onto a charming recipe card, with a ladybug motif. He was running out of recipe cards, so the back of the liquid fire recipe also had instructions for making “Mamaw Pearl’s Chess Pie”. 

After leading an unusually quiet Rita to the ice cream truck, Sunny drove them back to the AirBnB. Arriving back at 2:00AM, they all attempted to squeeze as much sleep in as they could before the convention the next day. 

2. SUNNY: [waking up, seeing Rita, smiling] Morning, baby.

3. (SOUND) Li’l cheek smoochie 

4. SUNNY: [concerned] Are you okay? Did you not sleep?

5. RITA: [pulled out of thought] Oh, uh...good morning. I-uh...no. I didn’t sleep. I’ve just been thinking. I’ll be fine. 

6. SUNNY: You know, it’s okay if you’re not fine, right?

7. RITA: What?

8. SUNNY: Dawn told me what those backwoods ghost busters told you, about not being a reaper. It sounds like they may be right, if all that’s true. 

9. RITA: Oh, you mean that I thought I was made to collect souls, and it turns out I’m just three babies in a reaper robe, pretending I know what I’m doing? 

10. SUNNY: From how Dawn relayed the conversation, they said you must be something old and powerful, because you can do incredible things that a reaper can’t do. 

11. RITA: Whatever. I still don’t know what I am. 

12. SUNNY: You’re Rita. 

13. RITA: But what does that mean, now? I’ve spent so long being Grim Rita the Reaper, and now I learn that was a lie? How does the DMV not know that I’m not a reaper? How do I even operate this scythe? Death seems to know me, and that I’m not a reaper. Why? What does it mean?

14. SUNNY: I don’t know. Sure, you have a lot of questions, but it seems like you just had more of them answered last night than anything. I think this just makes you more human. 

15. RITA: How do you mean?

16. SUNNY: Humans spend their whole lives trying to figure out who they are. That’s kind of one of the big things about being mortal. They’re just trying to find where they belong in the short time they have.

17. RITA: I’m the farthest thing from mortal. 

18. SUNNY: But you didn’t feel like you belonged in the first place. Maybe this answers the question of why you’ve had so much trouble just being a reaper, like the rest of them. You weren’t made for that. You’re a fish who’s been judging yourself on how well you can climb a tree. We’ve just gotta find your ocean, instead. 

19. RITA: But where does that leave me? Where do I belong? What am I supposed to do? What am I?

20. (SOUND) Covers rumpling while Sunny pulls Rita in for a cuddle with her arm and a leg. 

21. SUNNY: That leaves you here with me and Dawn. You belong right here, waking up with me in the morning. You’re supposed to do whatever makes you happy. As for figuring out what you are, I have an idea. 

22. RITA: Really?

23. SUNNY: [flirty] I think you should lay right there while I conduct a little experiment. 

24. RITA: Experiment? Are you-

25. (SOUND) Covers rumpling

26. RITA: [laugh] Oh! That kind of experiment. [laugh]

27. SUNNY: [slightly muffled from being under the covers, pretending to talk to a recorder] Dr. Simmons’ log, upon investigation, the subject DOES seem to be a heavenly body.

28. RITA: [reluctant laugh] 

29. SUNNY: I’ll begin with the first diagnostic test. 

30. (SOUND) Covers rumpling 

31. RITA: [laugh, questioning] Diagnostic?

32. SUNNY: Shhh! The subject doesn’t talk! 

33. RITA: Ooop, sorry doctor. Please continue. 

34. (SOUND) Covers Rumpling 

35. SUNNY: Test 1, attempt to contact god. If god is real, ask them what celestial taxonomic classification this heavenly body belongs to. 

36. RITA: Umm, Dr. Simmons, if I may interrupt. 

37. SUNNY: [Faux annoyance, pokes head out from under the covers] It’s highly unorthodox for the subject to ask questions, but sure. 

38. RITA: For the sake of the experiment, let’s pretend god is real. How do you plan on contacting them? Pray?

39. SUNNY: [laughs] Oh, don’t be ridiculous. I’m simply going to make the subject scream “Oh, god! OH, GOD!” Until we get an answer. 

40. RITA: [giggle, shriek] 

41. (SOUND) Covers rumpling

42. (MUSIC) Intro 

SCENE TWO: Kitchen at AirBnB: 10:00 AM

1. (SOUND) Tools clanking 

2. (SOUND) Pouring 

3. DAWN: [mumbling incoherently while she tries to make artificer stuff] 

4. RITA: Dawn?

5. SUNNY: Daaaawn.

6. RITA: DAWN! DAWN, DAWN, DAWN! [pause] Damn, those noise canceling headphones are good. [pulls one ear off of Dawn’s headphones]

7. DAWN: [spooked, delirious from no sleep] Fuck! Why’d you take my headphones off. 

8. RITA: Aren’t you still supposed to be able to hear things, with noise cancelling headphones?

9. DAWN: Not with these. I special ordered them from Sweden. Loosely translated, they’re called “Sound Murderers”. They eliminate 91% of external sounds. [annoyed, kind of tweaked out on caffeine] Again, why are you bothering me. 

10. RITA: Because I’m concerned you’re building a pipe bomb. What’s going on here? What to fuck is this business?

11. DAWN: I’m trying to build some artificer stuff to take to the convention tomorrow. We can’t be too careful. 

12. SUNNY: Dawn, honey...it’s 10:00AM. It IS tomorrow. 

13. DAWN: [confused, sleepy] What, that can’t be right. 

14. (SOUND) empty cans rattling

15. RITA: Hey buddy, did you drink that whole case of energy drinks you had in the ice cream truck? 

16. DAWN: What? No. Don’t be ridiculous. I only had a couple. A few. Maybe four. 

17. SUNNY: I’m counting 8 cans. 

18. DAWN: [snotty] Oh, wow! So I was a little off in my count. Jesus, thanks mom. 

19. RITA: Buddy, I’m gonna need you to not sass my woman like that, when she’s just concerned for you, as a medical professional AND your friend. 

20. DAWN: Fuck...I’m. I’m sorry. 

21. SUNNY: You’re alright. I know you’re stressed about this convention. 

22. DAWN: [realizing that she’s tired] I just- last time we saw energy vampires, we had my uncle to help. And even then, he ended up getting an axe to the stomach. I’m just scared. 

23. SUNNY: Well, you’ve got me to help, and this is different. There are a bunch of humans at this event. 

24. RITA: And also, I can get you some uppers. You wanna try coke? You don’t need all these energy drinks. All that sugar is terrible for you. High fructose corn syrup is poison. 

25. SUNNY: [admonishing] Rita.

26. RITA: You’re gonna be fine. [pause] Now, I want you to understand the gravity of your current hygiene situation, when I, a crust punk, tell you I need you to get in the shower before we go. You have a- unique aroma right now.

27. DAWN: [sniff, sniff] Fuck, I do smell. 

28. SUNNY: You get cleaned up, and we’ll go out for pancakes. I’ll drive, and you can try to take a power nap in the truck. 

29. DAWN: Good. I can get some coffee and-

30. SUNNY: No. 

31. DAWN: What?

32. SUNNY: You’ve had enough caffeine to fuck up Rita for about 10 minutes. Your heart will explode. 

33. DAWN: But the convention, I’ve gotta-

34. SUNNY: I will use my vampire strength to physically grapple you, should I see you attempt to consume any more caffeine today. 

35. RITA: [to herself] Fuck, that sounds kind of hot. 

36. DAWN: FINE. I’ll work on a sugar high, and get chocolate chip pancakes. 

37. SUNNY: I’ll allow it. 

38. RITA: [laughing] Hey Li’l Buddy, what’s this?

39. DAWN: Listen, I know the color is off, but-

40. RITA: Did you do a “Two Girls, One Cup” into this thing?

41. DAWN: Gross, no. That’s the liquid fire potion. I made some last night. Hink gave me some of the ingredients, and I sourced the rest from the woods behind this rental. 

42. SUNNY: Hold on, you built all this stuff and went FORAGING while we slept? 

43. RITA: Babe, how fucking long were we asleep? 

44. DAWN: The only ingredients I was missing were plants, and I happened to have a few things in the back of the truck. I used some of the silver soldering chips I had, and some copper wires, but the plants were all things that don’t grow here. 

45. RITA: So you hoped that shitting into this glass ball would be a good substitution?

46. DAWN: SO, I found out what local plants were most closely related to the three I was missing. It was a long shot, but I found them, and it worked. 

47. RITA: These shit balls work?!

48. DAWN: The potion inside them does. It does have a certain...smell, that the alchemists’ version didn’t have. I tested it outside. 

49. RITA: Be honest, what does it smell like? Does it smell like the doo doo smell you’ve got going on right now?

50. DAWN: [slightly embarrassed] Yes. I think the smell seeped into my clothes and hair while I tested the potion last night. 

51. RITA: Well, get a move on and take a shower. My lady made me see god this morning, and now momma is horny for some flapjacks. 

52. DAWN: Blech, gross. 

53. (MUSIC) Interstitial 

SCENE THREE: San Antonio Convention Center: Noon

1. NARRATOR: After a large breakfast, where Rita caused a local diner owner to add fine print to his “endless pancakes” special, the ladies arrived at the convention. Rita had magically changed into a white button down shirt, CLEAN black jeans, and a very well tailored, green velvet blazer. Sunny was a big fan. Dawn was suspicious. Rita said it was all part of “getting into character”. What the fuck did she mean by that?! Dawn was hanging on by a thread. No longer hyper focused and full of energy drinks, she was crashing. She was confident she made the right choice, though. They had to have some protection from energy vampires, and she couldn’t bring Cabroncita. She had a brief moment of panic when she realized that security was searching bags. 

2. (SOUND) crowd murmuring

3. (SOUND) occasional footsteps on a hard floor

4. (SOUND) occasional beeps from ticket reader

5. DAWN: [whispered] Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.

6. SUNNY: You alright?

7. DAWN: [quietly to Sunny, panicked] They’re searching bags. I have those glass artificer thingies in my backpack. I have to leave. We can’t do this. 

8. RITA: Yes we can, Li’l Buddy. We can do this. 

9. DAWN: How?! How do I explain the magic glass balls that look like they’re filled with shit?

10. RITA: You won’t have to. Veronica Boobenheimer will. Give me the bag. 

11. DAWN: [whisper] WHO?? NO! Fuck. Stop!

12. SUNNY: Who? What are you doing. 

13. GUARD: Backpack, please. 

14. RITA: [weird, high society voice. Loud.] Backpack? You want to see MY backpack? The fact that you made me go through this line in the first place is an atrocity. 

15. GUARD: I need to search your bag before you can come inside. 

16. RITA: I bet you’d LOVE to look through my bag. 

17. GUARD: I mean, I don’t LOVE it, but it’s my job. 

18. RITA: I don’t want to have to say it. 

19. GUARD: Say what?

20. RITA: Do you know who I am?

21. GUARD: What?

22. RITA: [louder] I SAID, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

23. DAWN: [quietly, to Sunny. Panicked as hell.] Please tell me I fell asleep working last night, and I’m still asleep now. This can’t be happening. 

24. SUNNY: [aside to Dawn] Sorry Dawnie, you’re wide awake. [to GUARD, loudly] Why, this is Veronica Boobenheimer! Don’t you know anything about...about...

25. RITA: [aside to Sunny] ...food. 

26. SUNNY: YES! FOOD!

27. GUARD: I just work the shows here, I don’t know anything about-

28. RITA: I traveled all the way here from Nantucket with my wife-

29. SUNNY: [very upper crusty] Bitsie.

30. (SOUND) footsteps walking closer, hurried

31. RITA: Yes, Bitsie Boobenheimer...I traveled with my wife from Nantucket, because I was asked to be at this show. I can’t believe a car didn’t pick us up this morning. 

32. RUSS: I’m sorry, excuse me. Do we have a problem here? 

33. GUARD: [flustered] Russ, I’m so sorry. This lady here, Ms.Boobymeister-

34. SUNNY: [scoffs] It’s MISSES, and it’s Booben-HEIMER!

35. GUARD: [flustered] Yes, Mrs. Boobenheimer here is not letting me look through her bag. 

36. RUSS: [absolutely fucking DONE] Then she can get out of here. Do I have to do everything, down to security? I am THE PREMIERE food and wine event coordinator, this side of the Mississippi. I was hired to plan this convention, not run security for you fucking redneck ass- 

37. RITA: Oh my god, Russ! Is that you?

38. RUSS: Huh? 

39. RITA: Come now, Russ. The Food and Wine Festival last summer?

40. RUSS: In Catalina?

41. RITA: Yes! You don’t remember seeing me and my gorgeous wife, the former swimsuit model and current food stylist? There were some delicious drinks at that Catalina festival. You must have had a few too many-

42. RUSS: I’ve been sober for 9 years.

43. SUNNY: RESPONSIBILITIES! Too many responsibilities, to remember us. You carried that festival.

44. RUSS: I-I did. My plantar fasciitis didn’t heal for months. 

45. RITA: I’d imagine! You never stopped moving. Well, now that I know it’s you running the show here, I know this must be some sort of mistake. I’m not giving a demonstration on Barramundi recipes and sustainable seafood, like I did in Catalina-

46. RUSS: Oh..I- I may remember you?

47. RITA: Yes! See, you remember me being there, clear as day. You remember me very vividly. You don’t doubt that story at all. It’s the truth, and you accept that you’ve met me before. Well, I’m not doing a demonstration, but I was invited to come, since I’m working on a menu for an incredible place in Dallas. 

48. SUNNY: She’s doing tapas with a Texas twist. 

49. RUSS: [delighted] Ooooh!

50. RITA: I was a little surprised the car that was supposed to come pick us up never arrived, but we got here just fine. Giada just spoke so highly of your event in Napa that I had certain expectations. I’ll just text her right-

51. RUSS: PLEASE! Mrs. Boobenheimer. [to sunny] Other Mrs. Boobenheimer. There’s no need to tell Giada about this mess. Come around here. I’m so sorry for the inconvenience.

52. (SOUND) Footsteps 

53. SUNNY: Oh, Russell, I knew you’d make it right. I don’t know how they do anything without you here. 

54. RUSS: Me neither. [pause, looking at Dawn] Uhhh...Who are you? This is for the Boobenheimers. 

55. DAWN: Uhhh...[weird unintelligible noises].

56. SUNNY: This is the social media manager for the restaurant, Inga. She’s from Finland. [aside to dawn] Inga, you were speaking Finnish again! 

57. DAWN: [nervous laugh] Whoops! [more weird, nervous noises. Dawn is hanging on by a thread] 

58. NARRATOR: Past the security line, standing by a potted cactus, stood a man in a hoodie and mirrored aviator sunglasses. He watched them walk away, and he put his phone to his ear. 

59. VAMPIRE: Uhhh...Mr. Crawford.

60. CRAWFORD: [from phone speaker] Yes. Whatta’ ya got?

61. VAMPIRE: I know my job is to spy on these energy vampires, but I think we have a situation brewing here at the San Antonio convention. 

62. CRAWFORD: What’s that?

63. VAMPIRE: Menendez, the Reaper, and some blonde lady with glasses just arrived. 

64. CRAWFORD: HOLD ON. Menendez and the Reaper have a blonde lady with them? 

65. VAMPIRE: Yes. 

66. CRAWFORD: Is she effortlessly the most beautiful creature you’ve ever seen?

67. VAMPIRE: I mean, she’s pretty, no doubt, but I’m gay and my aesthetic appreciation may not be-

68. CRAWFORD: DOES SHE LOOK LIKE A BEAUTIFUL PAINTING OF AN ANGEL?

69. VAMPIRE: Sure! I guess! I don’t know! She was just holding hands with that reaper and-

70. CRAWFORD: [grossed out noise] That’s her. That’s my Sunny. I can’t believe she’s still happy, fornicating with that THING. 

71. VAMPIRE: Uh-huh...sir, I can tell this lady must mean something to you...uhhh...Do you...do you wanna talk about your feelings or-

72. CRAWFORD: NO! [composing himself] Thank you, we need to get Menendez for momma. 

73. VAMPIRE: Should I move in?

74. CRAWFORD: Hmmm...No. Let’s worry about them on their way back to Dallas. They managed to fuck up momma’s plans in one afternoon, let’s hope they can help US out a little, and fuck up whatever these energy vampires are up to. This way, they can’t trace any of the sabotage back to us. 

75. (MUSIC) Interstitial

(AD REEL) 

SCENE FOUR: Carmilla’s Penthouse: Noonish

1. (MUSIC) gentle jazz tunes from Carmilla’s speakers

2. NARRATOR: Carmilla sat in her home office. Floating shelves lined the walls behind her desk chair. Upon them, were ancient tomes, artifacts, and specimen jars. These items had to live in her home office. They couldn’t live at her office in the Sanguis building, especially the specimen jars. All but one had something floating in it and each was labeled. The jar labeled “Druid” had an eyeball floating inside, the Warlock jar, vocal chords. The alchemist jar had a hand, and the sorcerer jar had, what appeared to be, the peeled off face of a human being. The empty jar had a label that read “artificer”, and in sharpie across the rest of it, someone had written “DAWN FUCKING MENENDEZ”. 

3. CARMILLA: [exhausted, like she has a migraine] Excellent work, my darling. You have my approval to send as many children as you need to retrieve them, once they’ve had ample opportunity to sow chaos with the energy vampires. 

4. CRAWFORD: What do you think they have planned? What kind of devious thing are they gonna do to those energy vampires. 

5. CARMILLA: Trapper, dear, I don’t think any of them actually know what they’re doing. I think Dawn is following clues, and the reaper is following her libido. [slight pained sound, distracted like there’s someone yelling in her ear] That class traitor of a vampire you made is just trying to find a place where she belongs. As long as their antics help fuck up these energy vampires, I don’t care why they went to that convention. 

6. CRAWFORD: Do you think the energy vamps know you don’t intend to make peace?

7. CARMILLA: [distracted by sound we can’t hear, annoyed] They are- they’re rightfully suspicious of my motives, but I don’t think they have the slightest inkling that my plan could effectively [pause] effectively wipe them out. 

8. CRAWFORD: Do you think that whatever those three are doing at the convention could mess up the release of the app they’re making you?

9. CARMILLA: [distracted sigh, as though she’s trying to collect her words, but there’s something noisy distracting her] No, I don’t. The app they helped us make is essentially done, save for a larger testing audience. That will come when we’re allowed to do human trials for the new drug. [annoyed sound] This is about their little feeding app they’re promoting, VoyR. I have to say, it DID help us find the witches we needed, but now that it’s no longer useful to me, I wish to see it fail. I can’t have them spoiling the food meant for our master. [distracted, annoyed. Like someone is talking over her] I-I know Dawn won’t make it easy for me to find her, and download the app as well. She’s more cautious than the rest, a worthy adversary. 

10. CRAWFORD: M-Momma...are you okay?

11. CARMILLA: [annoyed at Crawford] YES! 

12. CRAWFORD: Really, because you don’t-

13. CARMILLA: [to someone we can’t see/hear, desperate, more vulnerable than we’ve heard her] FINE! FINE! IF I GO NOW, WILL YOU LET ME HAVE A MOMENT’S PEACE?! I CAN’T EVEN THINK, WITH YOU SCREAMING AT ME, 

14. CRAWFORD: I knew it. It’s happening more often, isn’t it?

15. CARMILLA: [Remembering that he’s in the room] What? What are you talking- GOD DAMN IT, SHUT UP!

16. CRAWFORD: Oh, Momma. Is it the stress of everything after the press conference? Is there something I can do?

17. CARMILLA: [sort of depersonalized] I-I have to go out. 

18. CRAWFORD: To hunt? It’s daytime. You’re not in your disguise. And you know we can bring you food if you-

19. CARMILLA: NOT TO HUNT. 

20. (SOUND) Rummaging around desk drawer

21. CARMILLA: Where is my hell-forged dagger? 

22. CRAWFORD: I-You’re going out again...one of those walks you won’t tell me about? It’s been 100 years of this. And you’re going so much more than before. What are you doing on your walks?

23. CARMILLA: WHERE IS MY DAGGER?

24. CRAWFORD: MOMMA, I’M WORRIED ABOUT YOU. 

25. CARMILLA: [intense] You do what I tell you to do, nothing more, nothing less. I never told you to worry about me. [to invisible person] SHUT UP! I’M TRYING TO LEAVE! PLEASE!

26. CRAWFORD: [tearing up] You didn’t have to tell me to worry about you, Momma. I love you. 

27. CARMILLA: [laughs] You’re pathetic. 

28. (SOUND) Slap

29. CARMILLA: [intense, close to his face] Now, where did you put my dagger, you weak little fuck. 

30. CRAWFORD: [crying] On-on top of the bookshelf. 

31. (SOUND) Footsteps toward bookshelf

32. CARMILLA: I’ll be back by midnight. [to someone we can’t see] I’M LEAVING. STOP. I’M GOING NOW!

33. CRAWFORD: M-Momma, what if I went with you? Whatever you’re doing, I can help. I could be useful- [choking noise, Carmilla has him by the throat] 

34. CARMILLA: You? Be useful? [pause, she’s very close to his face] That would be an interesting change of pace. 

35. (SOUND) Carmilla drops Crawford 

36. (SOUND) Footsteps toward door

37. (SOUND) Door slams 

38. CRAWFORD: [to himself] Momma may not want my help. But she’s gonna get it anyway. 

39. (MUSIC) Interstitial 

SCENE FIVE: Convention Center: 12:45

1. NARRATOR: After walking past security with Russ, “Inga and the Boobenheimers” were given additional passes for VIP events over the weekend. Russ wanted to make things right. Once Russ had procured their VIP passes, given them schedules, and their gift bags, he lead them to the exhibitor’s hall. 

2. (SOUND) Busy Convention center ambience

3. RITA: [aside to Sunny] Sunshine, how’s the ole’ bloodlust doing, now that we’re in a room packed with humans?

4. SUNNY: Practically nonexistent. [sniff sniff]

5. RITA: That’s great!

6. SUNNY: No. [sniff sniff] No it’s not. 

7. RITA: What?

8. SUNNY: [quietly, aside to Dawn and Rita] Half of the people here aren’t human. They’re energy vampires. They all smell like burnt hair. 

9. RITA: And the half that are human?

10. SUNNY: [grossed out] They all smell terrible. Like spoiled food. It just smells like burnt hair and curdled milk in here. 

11. RITA: Fuck, they’re all being fed on. If an energy vampire takes enough of a human’s soul, what’s left is no good anymore. I guess everyone here has chunky milk for a soul. 

12. SUNNY: Gross. What do we do now? [aside to Dawn] Dawnie, what do you think? This is your mission. [long pause] Dawn? Hey, you okay?

13. RITA: [concerned] Li’l Buddy? 

14. DAWN: [loudly, distressed] It’s too loud in here. I can’t- It hurts-

15. SUNNY: What? What’s happening? What’s hurting you. 

16. DAWN: [loudly] You don’t hear that?! 

17. (SOUND) Fade in sound of static

18. NARRATOR: Sunny didn’t hear what Dawn was hearing. Nobody else in the convention center did. Last time she encountered energy vampires, there were about 50 of them, and she wasn’t attuned to how to spot them. This time, she was in a building full of hundreds of them. She remembered that her uncle Nate had told her to listen for “brain static” so she could identify one. She had the brain static, alright. She wished her uncle Nate were there to tell her how to turn it off. 

19. RITA: Oh, no. Okay. I think I see what’s happening here. Umm...Alright. Let’s get you somewhere quieter. 

20. NARRATOR: Rita located a sign for a single occupancy, family bathroom at the convention center. She gently guided Dawn by the arm, and Sunny followed. 

21. (SOUND) Door lock

22. (SOUND) Muffled convention noises

23. SUNNY: Dawn? You feel any better in here? [pause] Dawn?

24. RITA: I think it’s too noisy up there in that noggin for her to talk right now. [to Dawn] Hey buddy, can I look in your backpack for a sec? I think I can find a way to help. Just squeeze my hand once for yes, and twice for no. [pause] Good! Okay, yes. Let me take a look-see. 

25. (SOUND) Backpack zipper

26. SUNNY: What are you looking for?

27. RITA: These! I know they obliterate most noise, but I don’t know how they’ll work on the energy vampire noise she’s getting. It’s not really a sound she’s hearing from the energy vampires, but I don’t know, maybe it’ll dull their frequency or something. [to Dawn] Okay, hand squeeze time again. Can I put your headphones on you? [pause] Good! Okay. 

28. (SOUND) Loud static fades to medium volume

29. NARRATOR: After Rita put the headphones on Dawn’s head, the static started to die down a little. She was so tired. The backpack fiasco at security had her heart beating a mile a minute. Even the human noise on the convention floor was proving to be too much. The headphones and the quiet of the bathroom didn’t fix everything, but it helped enough for her to get her bearings. 

30. DAWN: The-the static is still, and- I can’t- [crying] I’m useless, I’m so useless, I can’t-

31. NARRATOR: Rita lifted the right side of the headphones from Dawn’s ear, and she gave her a tight hug. 

32. RITA: You are the farthest thing from useless, Li’l Buddy. I know it’s hard to talk. Don’t force yourself. Last time you saw energy vampires, you hadn’t really gotten into magic. You’ve leveled up, witch wise, and that means you can hear their bad vibes better. I know you’re tired, and this place is a sensory nightmare, on a good day. It’s gotta be pretty fucking loud in that big brain of yours right now. I’ve got an idea. Can I grab your phone? [pause] One squeeze, okay. 

33. NARRATOR: Rita put the right side of the headphones back on Dawn’s ear, and she began to do something on Dawn’s phone. She tapped the screen once, and looked up at Dawn with a gentle smile. 

34. AUDIOBOOK: [going on in the background for rest of the episode] You are listening to, “Phylum Tardigrada: A Comprehensive Look at Nature’s Most Resilient Invertebrate”, by Renee VonVonderson. Narrated by Spencer Pendragon. 

Cockroaches may be known as the most likely survivors of a nuclear holocaust, but could a cockroach survive 30 years in a freezer? What about cosmic radiation and the vacuum of space? The cockroach doesn’t stand a chance, when put face to face with the most resilient of creatures: the tardigrade. 

Johann August Ephraim Goeze, a German pastor, discovered them in 1773. He bestowed upon them the name “tardigrada”, meaning “slow stepper.” 

A few short years later, in 1776, Italian biologist Lazzaro Spallanzani, would discover just what makes these microscopic marvels nearly indestructible. 

Through a process called cryptobiosis, tardigrades enter a self imposed form of stasis. They dehydrate their bodies, retracting their head and legs, curling into a ball called a “tun”. 

While in this state, their metabolic activity is reduced to .01 percent of their normal rate. Even more incredibly, their minuscule bodies create ways of protecting themselves from whatever harsh environments they may be exposed to in their dehydrated state. Their vital organs are protected by trehalose, a sugary gel. Additionally, they produce large amounts of antioxidants. This, along with a protein they produce, protects their DNA from radiation damage. A cockroach could never...

35. DAWN: HEY! THE AUDIOBOOK HELPS! [pause] OH, AM I BEING LOUD?

36. NARRATOR: Rita handed Dawn back her phone, and she immediately gestured at Sunny for hers. Her thumbs zipped across the screen as she typed. 

37. (SOUND) Text received bloop

38. RITA: Hey, don’t worry about trying to talk, if you don’t feel up to it. 

39. (SOUND) Text received bloop

40. RITA: Do you think you can handle going back out there, if we can keep the audiobook on the whole time?

41. (SOUND) Typing on phone 

42. DAWN: Thumbs up emoji.

43. (SOUND) Text sent

44. (SOUND) Typing on phone sounds

45. DAWN: How am I supposed to help with anything if I can’t take the headphones off or talk? 

46. (SOUND) Text sent

47. (SOUND) Text received bloop

48. RITA: You can text me and Sunny on her phone, if you need to. Vampire emoji. Skull emoji. Peach emoji. Cherries emoji. Water droplets emoji. Hot, red face emoji. 

49. (SOUND) Text received bloop

50. RITA: And look at the back page in the schedule. All of the presentations have accessibility accommodations. You can go to this site here, and the audio from the panels will live stream through your headphones. No background vampires. Just the one on stage talking about how to make food that photographs well or whatever. 

51. DAWN: [inside her head effect] Fuck, that’s cool.

52. (SOUND) Typing on phone sounds

53. DAWN: Cool. Thanks for helping me. Sorry I just shutdown for a little. 

54. (SOUND) Text sent

55. (SOUND) Text received bloop

56. RITA: Li’l buddy, it’s no problem! Shove those “sorries” up your butt. Gif of an eclair being filled with cream. 

57. (SOUND) Typing on phone sounds 

58. DAWN: Gross, LOL. 

59. (SOUND) Text sent

60. (SOUND) Text received bloop

61. RITA: Now that we have you gadgeted up, what’s the plan, boss? 

62. DAWN: [in her head] Oh, now I’ve gotta come up with a plan? Jesus...uhhh...

63. (SOUND) Typing on phone sounds 

64. DAWN: We need to go around and get as much info about VoyR as we can, without actually downloading it. I don’t trust that fucking app. And maybe we can find a way to help some of these people being fed on here? Let’s do some recon, until we can get to one of the after hours VIP things that Veronica do Bitsie got us access to. We can snoop around tonight, when there are fewer people at the convention. 

65. (SOUND) Text sent 

66. (SOUND) Text received bloop

67. RITA: Duck, yeah. Let’s roll.

68. (SOUND) Text received bloop

69. RITA: asterisk, “duck”.

70. (SOUND) Text received bloop

71. RITA: asterisk, asterisk, “DUCK”, ALL CAPS. 

72. (SOUND) Text received bloop

73. RITA: AHHHHHHH! Angry devil emoji. 

74. (SOUND) Typing sounds on phone

75. (SOUND) Text sent

76. DAWN: LMAO. Quit ducking around, and let’s go. 

77. (MUSIC) Outtro