Today’s Lucky Winner

Donkey Lady Bridge

May 01, 2021 Brianne Season 1 Episode 16
Today’s Lucky Winner
Donkey Lady Bridge
Show Notes Transcript

The Donkey Lady Bridge of San Antonio is a pretty messed up urban legend.  The gals cut through the misinformation, and get the story straight from the horse’s...well, donkey’s mouth. We meet a trio of ghost hunters. Rita meets a celebrity. Dawn resurrects an old special interest in the name of detective work.
                                                                                                                                                                 
P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 16? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!

Cast:
Narrator, Greg -  Sean Turner @seanwkturner
Dawn, Bingo  - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid
Kyle, Gladys, Hink, Death -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale
Sunny, Auctioneer, Xander - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222
Rita, Florence - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Special Guest
Nigel - Phill Clinton @theoutlinespod, @clintonmcr

Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original music  by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

The Outlines Podcast:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/s2001-vanessa-maria/id1529972457?i=1000511097164

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Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original music by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

Mixgnomer Website
https://www.mixgnomer.com/

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Rating Introduction:


1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.


Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 


Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 


Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for you.


(Previously on) 




SCENE ONE: Donkey Lady Bridge: 9:30 PM


1. (SOUND) Big truck doing donuts


2. (SOUND) Alchemist fire noises


3. (SOUND) Woo-hoos from Alchemists


4. (SOUND) Nighttime ambience 


5. (SOUND) Rushing creek


6. NARRATOR: Dawn looked in the direction of the noise and saw a black, 1983 Ford Bronco, with Super Swamper tires, doing donuts near the gate to the bridge. She had gone through a phase in high school where she was interested in cars. She’d take a picture of unfamiliar cars with a disposable camera, develop the film, and figure out the year, make, and model of each one. She was impressed she could figure this one out in the dark. 


She could see a single person, hanging halfway out of the passenger’s side window. She couldn’t quite see much more of their appearance, aside from their mustard yellow coveralls and fire engine red hair. Every time they got near to the group, they threw a glass bottle toward them on the bridge. Whenever the bottles broke, unnaturally red flames erupted at the point of impact. 


7. GREG: [distressed ghostly hee-haws]


8. DAWN: Who the fuck are they?


9. GREG: That’s the truck that’s been lurking around the bridge the past-


10. (SOUND) Alchemist fire


11. XANDER: [yelling] It’s your last night of haunting, you ghost donkey, sonofabitch!


12. SUNNY: Hey, let’s move, maybe?!


13. RITA: Greg - do you trust me?


14. GREG: You know I do, Rita. 


15. (SOUND) Rita BAMF


16. RITA: I’m gonna have to hide you in my scythe, buddy. Okay?


17. DAWN: You can do that?


18. SUNNY: You can do that?


19. GREG: [sigh] Okay. 


20. NARRATOR: Rita held the tip of her scythe toward Greg. He closed his eyes, and tilted his face toward it, booping it with his ghostly donkey snoot. As soon as he touched the scythe, he became a streak of green light, and was pulled into the blade. 


21. DAWN: Is he- did you?


22. (SOUND) Alchemist fire


23. (SOUND) More woo-hoos 


24. (SOUND) more truck doing donuts


25. RITA: I didn’t reap him. He’s not gone. He has a deal with the DMV. I NEED to poof you both. 


26. SUNNY: WHAT?!


27. DAWN: No way. No fucking way.


28. RITA: Those are alchemists, and the last reaper of my make and model to get hit with one of their concoctions blew up Atlantis. 


29. DAWN: [now very PRO getting poofed] Alright! I get left arm, you get right arm? 


30. SUNNY: [also pro getting poofed] Sounds great! Let’s get out of here. 


31. (SOUND) Rita BAMF 


32. (SOUND) Vortex noise 


33. NARRATOR: With Dawn and Sunny looped on either arm, Rita poofed. The vortex and lights were familiar to Dawn, at this point, although this poof seemed to have significantly more turbulence than the last times she’d done this. Sunny stared in awe at Rita, whose eyes were shut tight in concentration. 


34. (SOUND) Three people fall


35. (SOUND) Rita barf


36. RITA: [sick] Ughhh...I’m sorry. 


37. SUNNY: [alarmed] Oh no! Babe, you okay?


38. DAWN: Was it trying to poof two passengers?


39. RITA: [sick] Three. Greg.


40. SUNNY: I’ll clean this up. Do you need anything?


41. (SOUND) Faucet noises


42. (SOUND) Footsteps 


43. DAWN: Weed?


44. RITA: [groan] Yessss.


45. NARRATOR: Rita lay on her back on the floor of their rented house. She closed her eyes, and knocked on the blade of her scythe with a single knuckle on her pointer finger. 


46. RITA: Greg. Come out Greg. You’re safe. 


47. NARRATOR: The spectral donkey poured out of the tip of the scythe, and stood beside Rita.


48. GREG: Oh gosh, thanks a heap, Rita. I couldn’t have left that bridge without you. Are you- you okay?


49. SUNNY: Here baby, here’s a weed pen and some water.


50. RITA: [kissy noise] You da best.


51. DAWN: So...Uhhh...are we gonna talk about Greg?


52. RITA: Greg. Too sick to talk. Tell them about bridge. 


53. GREG: Oh, sure. Yes. My apologies. 


54. NARRATOR: Greg walked over to the couch, and sat his translucent donkey ass down. 


55. GREG: I’m sure you’re all familiar with the San Antonio urban legend of The Donkey Lady Bridge. 


56. SUNNY: The what, now?


57. DAWN: Absolutely not. 


58. (MUSIC) Intro 



SCENE TWO: FARM 1950’s: Morning


1. (SOUND) Rewind Noise


2. (SOUND) Vintage video projector sounds


3. (MUSIC) Princess singing with animals kind of thing


4. GREG: The Donkey Lady Bridge is a story that humans have consistently messed up. Most tell some horrific story of a woman who was burned alive, and left to look like a donkey. Some say it was a story from the 1800’s. Some say it was the 1950’s. All of the stories are rife with misogyny and ableism. Leave it to humans to put their own baggage on something that’s actually about an independent woman, with a heart full of love. Flo. Florence. Florence McKinley is my soulmate. 


5. FLORENCE: [princess singing to birds stuff] Good morning, dear creatures! Good morning, Gladys! Your ears look delightfully fuzzy this morning!


6. GLADYS: Mooo...Thank you!


7. BINGO: [goat bleat]


8. FLORENCE: Oh, Bingo! I may be a human, but I like to think of you as my kid. 


9. BINGO: [goat laugh] I AM a kid!


10. FLORENCE: [laugh] 


11. BINGO: [laugh]


12. GLADYS: [laugh] 


13. (SOUND) Record scratch


14. (SOUND) Vintage projector sounds stop


15. (MUSIC) Music stops


16. DAWN: Hold on, Florence is a human? And she’s your soulmate? You and she didn’t...this wasn’t a- Please give me an explanation that won’t make me barf too. 


17. GREG: What?


18. SUNNY: She’s assuming you were a couple, Greg.


19. GREG: Oh my god, no! Blech. What’s wrong with you?!


20. DAWN: You said soulmates! What was I supposed to think?


21. GREG:You don’t know about soulmates then, huh? Let me continue...nasty. [clears throat] 


22. (SOUND) Vintage projector sounds begin


23. (MUSIC) Princess music begins again 


24. GREG: Soulmates are RARELY a romantic pairing. And most people have more than one! A soulmate is someone who comes from the same energy you do. Maybe your energies were entwined in the Big Bang. Maybe you both were made of the same star stuff. I don’t know the specifics, but I DO know that soulmates complement the best parts of each other. They’re better together. Like peanut butter and jelly. Florence was a kind woman, and in 1952, she had a farm out here where she saved farm animals from slaughter. She was also a Druid, and she could talk to animals. I met Doris at the Bexar County Fair. 


25. (SOUND) Carnival ambiance


26. FLORENCE: Why, I’ve saved up enough money from selling my famous peach pies to go rescue a new friend at the auction! It’s not much, but I’m going to see what fine soul my $12 can help.


27. GREG: Florence had gotten to the fair late in the day. All the prize winning animals had been sold, and the rest were...well...folks from the dog food and glue factories enjoyed the end-of-day auctions. 


28. (SOUND) Angry donkey sounds


29. AUCTIONEER: Well, next up on the block we got a donkey. He’s a little donkey. Just a tiny ass. A minuscule shitter. He bit me earlier, and the look on his face says he’ll do it again. He’s got a bad attitude, and he’s so small, a strong wind would blow him all the way to Oklahoma. He can’t do any work. He’s basically worthless. How about we start the bidding low on account’a he’s the worst, and I want him outta here. Who’s gonna give me $8? I got $8 over here from the man from Dallas Adhesives. How about $9? I got $9 over here from the man from Cowboy Kibbles. How about-


30. FLORENCE: TWELVE DOLLARS!


31. AUCTIONEER: Like clockwork, ole’ Florence the spinster comes in with a bid FAR too high for the quality of animal she’s trying to buy. There’s not a single job this scrawny fella’ can do, sugar. 


32. FLORENCE: His worth is NOT determined by whatever job he can or cannot do! He has worth all on his own. Say, I’d bite you too, if I was him! Take my money, ya’ big galoot! I’ve got a home for that donkey. 


33. GREG: And with that, I moved to Florence’s farm. Animals roamed freely, and Flo grew all kinds of fruit trees. We could eat whatever we wanted, and we’d retreat to the warmth of the barn at night. She created paradise for animals whose birthright had been a horrible death. It was our own little slice of heaven. [pause] Things weren’t always great for Florence, though. 


34. (SOUND) Florence crying 


35. GREG: Sometimes she got sad. Really sad. She was late coming to feed us one morning. We were worried about her, and the gang in the barn thought someone should go check on her. I volunteered. I found her sitting on her porch.


36. (SOUND) Horse hooves fade in 


37. FLORENCE: [crying] Oh, Greg. You must forgive me for being in such a state. 


38. GREG: What’s the matter, Miss Florence?


39. FLORENCE: Sometimes I just get ever so blue. I’m a Druid without a grove, you see. It’s just me out here on the farm. 


40. GREG: Why aren’t you with other Druids?


41. FLORENCE: I can’t contact the otherworld, like they can. I’m just lousy at divination. The only thing I can do is talk to lovely creatures such as yourself, and make peach pies. And there’s no place for a lady who talks to animals in a Druid grove. They don’t have a job for people like me. I can’t do anything useful. I get so lonely. 


42. GREG: Didn’t you say at the auction, that your worth isn’t determined by what job you do?


43. FLORENCE: Oh, Greg, it’s not that simple for us witches. 


44. GREG: We may not be druids, but we love you, Florence. As far as we’re concerned, you’re the most important witch in the world. You should come to us when you’re feeling blue. There’s no need to cry alone. 


45. FLORENCE: I couldn’t burden you all with my problems! 


46. GREG: Nonsense, Flo. I’ll talk to the gang, and you’ll never have to cry alone again.


47. (SOUND) Hoofbeats walking away


48. (MUSIC) Stops


49. (SOUND) Record scratch


50. RITA: [asleep] Wooo...skate fast, eat ass.


51. DAWN: Rita?


52. SUNNY: She- she’s asleep. I wonder what she’s dreaming about?


53. DAWN: [grossed out noise] I don’t wanna know. 


54. GREG: Is she gonna be okay?


55. DAWN: I think so. She sleeps whenever she’s hurt. She should be getting better as we speak. Please, Greg. Continue. 


56. (SOUND) Record scratch


57. (MUSIC) begins again


58. GREG: So, I went to the animals in the barn, and we devised a plan. The barn cats, and Talulah the potbelly pig, would take turns sleeping in Florence’s room with her every night. I would accompany her on her chores around the farm. We’d talk all day long. We were inseparable. Everyone had a part to play in making sure our witch never felt alone. When Florence felt blue, which wasn’t nearly as often, she had a family on the farm to comfort her...until the big summer storm in 1953.


59. (SOUND) Big fucking storm noises. Like really bad


60. FLORENCE: [yelling through storm] Abel!! Ramona!! Gregoryyy!!!


61. GREG: A strong wind had demolished the barn. We’d all scattered to find shelter, while the storm raged on. Against all better judgement, Florence braved the storm to find her animal family, and bring each of us back to her farmhouse. Lost and afraid, I found myself at the very same bridge where you found me tonight. 


62. (SOUND) rushing creek


63. FLORENCE: Greg!!!


64. GREG: Miss Florence! I can’t see you!


65. FLORENCE: I’m coming, Greg! I’ll lead you back to the- Whoa!


66. (SOUND) Splash


67. GREG: The bridge wasn’t as big back then, and it wasn’t paved. The wood had become slick in the rain, and Flo slipped off the side. I couldn’t see her, but I could hear her. I knew I had to follow the sound of her splashing to go save her. She saved me, after all. I jumped in. 


68. (SOUND) Splash


69. GREG: But the next thing I knew, Florence and I were standing at the side of the creek. It was still raining, but I didn’t feel like I was getting wet. I didn’t feel anything. That’s when-


70. (MUSIC) Princess music stops


71. (SOUND) Record scratch 


72. RITA: That’s when you saw something like an angel, but with only two eyes and much, much hotter. Like an angel who smokes weed and does butt stuff. 


73. SUNNY: Babe! Are you feeling okay?


74. RITA: Much. All it took was an entire cart on this vape pen, some water, and a li’l nap nap. I had a little sexy dreamscape time where I relived hooking up with a roadie in a port-a-potty at Warped in 2004. 


75. DAWN: Gross.


76. RITA: And I took this whole bottle of some of Caoimhe’s old pills you gave me, but I don’t think they did anything. I can’t feel them at all. My headache is gone, though. 


77. SUNNY: This...These were anti inflammatories for her hip. 


78. RITA: Yeah, 0/10. Do not recommend. 


79. DAWN: So Greg and Florence saw you?


80. RITA: [getting back to the story] Oh..Yeah! Both of them drowned in the creek. I came to reap Florence. I did my whole “BE NOT AFRAID” thing, and Florence said she wasn’t going anywhere without Greg. That was strange, because spirits aren’t supposed to be able to see each other like that between lives.


81. SUNNY: Unless they’re soulmates?


82. RITA: Unless they’re soulmates.  


83. DAWN: Wait, why don’t I remember the whole “BE NOT AFRAID” thing, when you reaped me? Why don’t I remember you from that night at all? 


84. RITA: You were on a cocktail of drugs, and also I was feeling lazy and just told you to-


85. (SOUND) Rita scary voice


86. RITA: GET IN THE FUCKING SCYTHE!


87. DAWN: What the fuck?! What’s wrong with you?


88. RITA: I don’t know, but I bet you’re gonna tell me. You have a spreadsheet for that too?


89. GREG: Are you going to finish the story, or should I...


90. RITA: Oop! Sorry, Greg. [pause] Naturally, I was shocked to find out that this hot 50’s lady had a dead donkey soulmate. I explained the afterlife to her, and she said she didn’t want to go to any heaven where her best friend Greg wouldn’t be. I understood. I had to do something. 


91. (SOUND) Rewind Noise 


92. (SOUND) Office Ambience 


93. KYLE: No way! You know I can’t do that. 


94. RITA: They deserve to be together! Can’t you see all the good they both have done? I mean, Greg was a DONKEY, and he still managed a pretty solid heavenly dimension on his own. 


95. KYLE: But, Florence earned a much higher heavenly dimension. She’s been a force for good in every single lifetime she’s had. She’s going to the heavenly equivalent of a 5 star hotel in the Amalfi Coast, and Greg is going to a Holiday Inn Express in Gulf Shores, Alabama. 


96. RITA: But what if they BOTH went to the heavenly equivalent of a pretty dang nice AirBnB in the Florida Keys? 


97. KYLE: But we don’t have enough space in a mid level heavenly dimension at the moment. 


98. RITA: What if they both just chilled on earth until space opened up? They’re soulmates, Kyle! If I had a soul, and I found one of my soulmates, I’d do anything I could to stay with them. And how often do soulmates die at the same time?! I think Florence and Greg will like my plan. 


99. KYLE: You are the most high maintenance reaper I’ve ever met. [sigh] Okay. I guess I could see what upper management would agree to. What’s your idea? I’m listening. 


100. (SOUND) Office Ambience ends


101. GREG: So, Florence and I were given special permission to haunt the bridge where we died together, until space opened up for us in an appropriately rated heavenly dimension. 


102. DAWN: And those alchemists...what did they do to Florence?


103. GREG: I- I don’t know. One minute, we were frolicking next to the creek together. The next moment, one of their potion bottles crashed by us, and Florence was gone in a cloud of smoke. 


104. DAWN: I’m so sorry, Greg. We’re gonna see if we can get Florence back 


105. SUNNY: Okay, now what up with the alchemists? Why were they throwing potion bottles?


106. RITA: Alchemists and Sorcerers are the oldest kinds of witches. Unlike sorcerers, alchemists have sort of been...replaced. 


107. DAWN: Replaced? With what? How so?


108. RITA: They excel at potions. They were the scientifically minded witch of their day. Then, technology advanced, and artificers took their place. Your family probably started out as alchemists, Dawn. 


109. DAWN: What do alchemists do now, then? 


110. RITA: The remaining alchemists are usually hillbillies and Europeans. Their magic doesn’t do much against vampires, but it’s VERY useful for banishing ghosts. They spend their time keeping balance by sending wayward souls to the afterlife. 


111. GREG: [cries]


112. SUNNY: Ritaaaa


113. RITA: Nooo, Greg! There may actually be good news. They tend to store them all in a magical spirit trap, until they banish them. It’s kind of like my scythe. It holds them until it’s time for them to head to the otherworld. The banishment ritual is this whole complicated thing, so they try to fill a spirit trap full before they do one, to save time. 


114. DAWN: And Florence may still be in the trap? 


115. RITA: I’m guessing she is. How long has she been gone?


116. GREG: They took her last night. 


117. RITA: Yeah, if they came after you tonight, they’ve definitely still got her in there. It’s probably in the back of that truck. 


118. SUNNY: What do we do now? How to we find them? 


119. DAWN: Easy. 


120. RITA: Easy, how?


121. DAWN: They drove a 1983 Ford Bronco, with Super Swamper tires. It’s muddy from the rain earlier. We can follow their tread marks and mud. 


122. SUNNY: How do you-


123. RITA: Cars were a short lived special interest of hers. It’s in her file. 


124. DAWN: Yeah, Yeah. Let’s head out, and reunite some soulmates. 


125. (MUSIC) Interstitial


126. (Ad reel) 




SCENE THREE: Creepy old Breaking Bad looking RV: The Woods


1. (SOUND) Nightime ambience 


2. (SOUND) slow driving ice cream truck


3. NARRATOR: Dawn walked in front of the ice cream truck while Sunny slowly drove behind her. The headlights from the truck illuminated the unmistakable tread pattern of the Bronco’s off road tires, that had squealed off in the direction of a dirt road, shortly down from the bridge. Their tires had been muddy, which meant they had been driving on dirt recently. Following the trail of caked mud, Dawn tracked them to a path in the woods. Sunny parked the truck on a gravel patch at the mouth of the trail. The ice cream truck wasn’t built for off roading, and they’d find themselves stuck in the woods. Dawn grabbed Cabroncita and slipped on the fingerless gloves Dax had given her. Rita invited Greg to hide in her scythe once more, and the ladies began to walk. 


4. (SOUND) Ice cream truck stop


5. (SOUND) Three sets of feet in mud


6. SUNNY: Okay, yikes. That RV is scary looking. 


7. DAWN: This is the place. There’s the Bronco. And the lights are on in there. 


8. SUNNY: Did we have a game plan for handling these people? 


9. DAWN: You said most of them are hillbillies and Europeans?


10. RITA: Yeah. 


11. DAWN: Well, I’m not European-


12. (SOUND) SHOTGUN COCK


13. DAWN: But Texas is hillbilly adjacent. 


14. (SOUND) Footsteps in mud


15. SUNNY: [nervous for DAWN] Where are you going?!


16. DAWN: I’m just gonna knock! [pause] [talking at the RV, suddenly v macho] Get the FUCK out here, you ghost harassing shit stains!


17. RITA: Whoa, her being commanding is doing something for me. 


18. SUNNY: [surprised] Yeah, kind of want her to tell me what to do a little bit. 


19. XANDER: [muffled in RV] Put the gun down!


20. DAWN: Let the ghost go!


21. XANDER: [muffled] No!


22. NIGEL: [muffled] YOU let the ghost go!


23. DAWN: What?


24. HINK: Dang it Nigel, that ain’t make a lick of sense. 


25. XANDER: [muffled] Go away!


26. DAWN: No! That ghost from the bridge had a deal with the DMV! That Donkey and her are soulmates. They were waiting to pass on, so they could go to the same heaven together. 


27. XANDER: [muffled inaudible talking]


28. NIGEL: [muffled inaudible talking]


29. HINK: [muffled inaudible talking]


(Pause)


30. DAWN: Hello?


31. HINK: [muffled] You said they were soulmates?


32. DAWN: Yes. 


33. NIGEL: [muffled] And they had a deal with the DMV?


34. DAWN: Yes. 


35. HINK: [muffled] Awwww hell, Xander. I ain’t ever mean to split up two best friends. 


36. (SOUND) RV door opens slowly


37. XANDER: [aside to Hink] Zip it, Hink. I got this. [to Dawn] Say I believe you, would you put that gun down long enough for us to check that you’re telling the truth? We’ve been traveling around the country hunting ghosts, and I ain’t know you from Adam. 


38. DAWN: Depends on how long that takes. I’ve gotta be somewhere tomorrow. 


39. HINK: Oh! She’s thinks she’s better than us! She’s got somewhere to be!


40. NIGEL: You may think you’re better than us...but...you’re not!


41. XANDER: [aside to HINK and Nigel] Shut up, the both of you. [pause] You alright if we make a call to our friend at the DMV who takes the ghosts off our hands when we banish them? I just gotta check if your story is true. 


42. DAWN: Is...is it Kyle? Are you calling Kyle?


43. NIGEL: [laughs] Who the FUCK is Kyle?!


44. HINK: [laughs]


45. XANDER: [laughs] I don’t know who Kyle is, but I’m guessing our friend is a little above his pay grade. 


46. DAWN: Who are you calling, then?


47. XANDER: Death. Obviously. 


48. NARRATOR: The three alchemists cautiously stepped out of their RV to speak with the ladies. They wore yellow coveralls, splattered with mud and various mystery stains. The one who had been throwing bottles out of the window of the truck spoke first. 


49. XANDER: I’m Xander. This is Hink-


50. HINK: Howdy.


51. XANDER: And this here is our cousin Nigel. He’s visiting from England. 


52. NIGEL: Hello! Sorry about throwing liquid fire at you earlier. 


53. DAWN: I’m Dawn. This is Rita, and that’s Sunny. 


54. RITA: Sup, Fuckers. 


55. SUNNY: [sweetly] Hiiii. 


56. DAWN: That was liquid fire?


57. HINK: Yep. [like he’s memorized it from a book] The kinetic energy produced by throwing and smashing the bottle causes the combustion of the alchemical compound. 


58. DAWN: And you spilled some your hand, Xander? That’s what the bandage and the ice pack are for?


59. NIGEL: She’s good!


60. XANDER: Yeah, not the first time. Won’t be the last. It’s a hazard of the trade. 


61. DAWN: Couldn’t- oh, never mind. 


62. HINK: What?


63. DAWN: Couldn’t you build something to launch the bottles? That way, the only time you have to handle the bottles is when you’re loading your launcher? 


64. NIGEL: Oh! Here she goes. The artificer wants to build some magic thingie for our potions. You all think you’re so much better than-


65. DAWN: No! The “thingie” to launch potions wouldn’t even be magical. It could be like a t-shirt cannon for potions. If the liquid fire relies on kinetic energy to combust, wouldn’t using something to launch your potions make it even stronger when it hits? And your arms won’t get tired. 


66. HINK: Now just you wait a- 


67. XANDER: Hold on, fellas. She’s got a point. 


68. NIGEL: We handle potions, love. We don’t know how to build shit. 


69. DAWN: So, what about I draw you up something when we’re done reuniting these soulmates? I have a few things in my truck that could help. I’ll make sure the only other parts you need can be bought at the hardware store. 


70. HINK: Really?!


71. DAWN: Yeah. And maybe you could show me how to make that liquid fire? My uncle makes these spherical, glass bombs full of green stuff, but I don’t have a recipe for the green stuff. Just the sphere and the detonator. Maybe I could use your fire potion. 


72. XANDER: [huge realization] Holy shit, we could put potions in a ball. 


73. NIGEL: They could launch so much farther without the bottle shape mucking up the aerodynamics!


74. DAWN: So, how about I give you the specs for the sphere too? 


75. XANDER: You’d really do that? You don’t think we’re some old timey, out of touch, meth lab witches?


76. DAWN: I don’t. I don’t know why alchemists and artificers have beef. It sounds like we’re magical cousins. 


77. HINK: [confused] No, Nigel’s our cousin. You ain’t. 


78. NIGEL: That’s not what she meant, Hink. 


79. XANDER: Well, let’s get a move on and call death. Our cousin Dawn here has someplace to be tomorrow. 




SCENE FOUR: CAMPFIRE BY ALCHEMIST RV: MIDNIGHT


1. (SOUND) Nighttime ambience 


2. (SOUND) Campfire crackle 


3. NARRATOR: Sunny went back to the ice cream truck, while Rita and Dawn watched the alchemists set up their summoning circle for death. Sunny could smell Xander’s injured hand, and the desire to kill and eat him became...distracting. Once she had gone, the alchemists set up a campfire. Hink pulled an enormous bag of salt out of the back of the Bronco, and encircled the campfire with a thick ring of it. Nigel and Xander pulled a three foot tall, stone obelisk from the back of the truck. They placed it in front of the fire, and Hink made a salt circle around the obelisk too. 


4. (SOUND) Alchemists walking around on dirt 


5. RITA: I’m so nervous! 


6. DAWN: About summoning death? Don’t you like...know, them? Wouldn’t you have already met death? You’re a reaper. 


7. RITA: I don’t kill people. They’re already dead by the time I get there. I just work for death. Or...Or death helped the DMV make me? Or they made me FOR death? What should I say? [pause] Holy shit, is death my dad? 


8. DAWN: The only one of those questions I can answer is about what you should say, and I think it’s safest if you don’t say anything. 


9. RITA: God, I hope they think I’m cool. 


10. (SOUND) Alchemists footsteps stop


11. NIGEL: Alright, so as soon as we toss these potion bottles onto the fire, death should pop right in. 


12. DAWN: That’s all? It’s that easy?


13. NIGEL: We’ve done the hard part already. It takes us 43 days to make each one of these death summoning potions, and we have to make them one at a time. And Hink here can’t aim for shit. If we miss the fire, that’s 129 days until we can try again. 


14. RITA: I believe in you, Hink. 


15. HINK: Thank you. It’s nice to have SOMEBODY believe in me. 


16. XANDER: Alright, fellas. Ready? Three, two-


17. HINK: Hold on, I forget. We do “three, two, and throw on one,” or do we do “three, two, one, GO,” and then throw? 


13. XANDER: GOD DAMN IT, IT’S “THREE, TWO, ONE, THROW.” [collecting himself] Alright. Three, two, one-


14. (SOUND) Three glass bottles breaking


15. (SOUND) Flames 


16. (SOUND) Magic swirling


17. (SOUND) Thunder



18. NARRATOR: His confidence bolstered by Rita’s reassurance, Hink’s aim was impeccable. The bottles broke, and the flames rose. On top of the campfire, an inky black mass began to coalesce. Rita and Dawn felt cold as they watched it grow, and Rita held Dawn’s hand. This shadowy blob looked like the one Doug had described to them. This looked like the shadow creature that killed Dawn. 


19. XANDER: Hello death, I know we’re early, and we aren’t banishing the whole obelisk full of ghosts right now. 


20. NIGEL: We may have made a slight fuck-up. 


[scary filter for death]


21. DEATH: What have you done?


22. HINK: [nervous noises attempting to speak, all nonsense]


23. XANDER: We trapped a soul that had a deal with the DMV. She was haunting a bridge with her soulmate, waiting for a heaven to pass on to with them. 


24. DEATH: What was her name?


25. XANDER: [aside to Dawn] What was her name?


26. DAWN: [terrified] F-f-fl-


27. RITA: F-Florence. Florence McKinley. 


28. DEATH: [amused] Rita, it’s nice to officially meet you. You’re doing great. Don’t be scared.[pause] Yes. She had permission to haunt that bridge. 


29. NIGEL: So, what should we do with them now? 


30. DEATH: You’ve separated them from the place they were bound. They can’t stay here any longer. 


31. XANDER: What should we do? 


32. (SOUND) Sparkly happy portal noise


33. NARRATOR: A shimmering portal, with an intense white light pouring from it, opened on the side of the campfire opposite the obelisk. 


34. DEATH: I’ve made a pocket dimension for them. It’s not the heavenly dimension they were promised, but I think they’ll find it’s a nice place to spend eternity. I’ll need the souls now, please. 


35. NARRATOR: Xander walked over to the obelisk, and tapped a notch on one of its flat sides. The top of it opened up, and the spectral image of Florence McKinley streamed forth from a green light within the trap. 


36. FLORENCE: [alarmed] Wh-where am I? Where is my sweet Greg? 


37. DEATH: Rita, I’ll need to borrow this. 


38. (SOUND) Rita BAMF


39. NARRATOR: Rita’s scythe appeared in her hand, but she wasn’t the one who summoned it. In the same way that Florence had appeared from the obelisk, Greg came out of                                                  Rita’s scythe, and appeared next to Florence. The two ghosts looked at each other in relief, and Florence wrapped her arms around Greg’s neck. 


40. FLORENCE: Oh, my sweet friend. I was so scared I had lost you. 


41. GREG: [crying] [hee-haw] Me too, Flo. I never want to get separated again. [looking over at Dawn and Rita] Thank you, Dawn. Thank you, Rita. 


42. DAWN: Oh, it’s no big deal. 


43. RITA: Looking good, Flo. [finger guns, tongue click] 


44. DEATH: Florence, Greg, it’s time to go. 


45. GREG: Where are we going? 


46. DEATH: A dimension all your own. It isn’t the heaven you were promised, but a few souls agreed to move there to keep things balanced. It’s a small dimension, and there won’t be any new inhabitants joining you, ever. It’s all your own, and you get to stay there. Forever. 


47. FLORENCE: Wh-what’s it like? 


48. DEATH: It’s your farm, Florence. 


49. GREG: The Farm! The farm- but weren’t you lonely on the farm without other witches? 


50. FLORENCE: Oh, I was, but that was before I found my best friend. [hugs Greg] Now let’s hurry, Gregory. I simply can’t wait to see the rest of our friends. I’ve missed them terribly. 


51. NARRATOR: Florence put her hand atop Greg’s neck, and they walked into the white portal together. The portal shut, and they disappeared 


52. (SOUND) portal noise ends


53. DEATH: Was there anything else you three fucked up?


54. XANDER: [nervous] Uhhh...no, that was it. 


55. DEATH: Then I’ll be going. [pause] Dawn, I’m glad to see you’ve been making good use of the time you’ve been given. Have you discovered the gift I gave you? [pause] You’re gonna need it. 


56. (SOUND) Thunder


57. NARRATOR: With a clap of thunder, Death disappeared, and the campfire went out. 


58. NIGEL: Okay, who the fuck ARE you two?


59. DAWN: [still shaken] Wh-what?


60. XANDER: Death gave you a gift? 


61. DAWN: I don’t know what they were talking about. 


62. HINK: And what the hell are you?


63. RITA: [still shaken] M-me? I’m a reaper. 


64. NIGEL: [laughs] No you ain’t 


65. HINK: [laughs] You’re as much a reaper as I am. 


66. XANDER: No, really. What are you?


67. RITA: I-I’m a reaper. I reap souls. 


68. HINK: Nah, the scythe does that. You can just summon it. 


69. RITA: I’ve been reaping souls for 66 million years, I-


70. XANDER: Then you’re in the wrong line of work, because you aren’t a fucking reaper. I’ve seen a hundred of them. We’re ghost hunters. We run into them. 


71. DAWN: H-how are you so sure? 


72. NIGEL: For one, she teleported you and the hot blonde lady. 


73. DAWN: So?


74. HINK: Reapers can’t take passengers. Your brain would melt. Two, she’s got an identity. Reapers don’t 


75. XANDER: And three, she’d have met death long before now. 


76. RITA: Th-then, then what are you saying?


77. XANDER: You may be something old and powerful, but a reaper you are not. 


78. (MUSIC) Outtro