Congenital Poop Disease

In this episode, Dawn tells Rita a story rife with nudity. We learn about a rare, congenital poop disease. The gals take a road trip, and Rita eats her body weight in pretzels. We hear about the incredible gifts that our local public radio station is offering in their membership drive. Remember, their programming is made possible by listeners like you.  The ladies meet a donkey! (Trust us, it’s more important that it sounds.)
                                                                                                                                                                 
P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 15? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!

Cast:
Narrator, Greg-  Sean Turner @seanwkturner
Dawn  - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid
Teacher, Otto-  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale
Sunny, Carmilla, Alchemist - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222
Rita, Blaze - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original music  by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

Brianne’s Appearance on The Scary Movie Project:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-27-alien/id1515022652?i=1000516662369

http://www.todaysluckywinner.buzzsprout.com
http://www.instagram.com/luckywinnershow
http://www.twitter.com/luckywinnershow
http://www.facebook.com/luckywinnershow

Transcript

Rating Introduction:

1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.

Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 

Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 

Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for you.

(Previosly on) 

(MUSIC) Intro

Scene One: Ice Cream Truck/Outside Dax and Max: 10:00AM

1. NARRATOR: Dawn and Rita waited in the ice cream truck outside of Dax’s bar. Rita lied in the back of the truck, face in hands, struggling with an ethical quandary. Dawn stole WiFi from the tattoo shop near the bar, and did some research on her laptop in the driver’s seat. 

2. RITA: [protracted groan]

3. DAWN: Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?

4. RITA: If I tell you the bad thing I did, you’re going to guilt me into telling the truth. 

5. DAWN: It kind of sounds like you want me to do that. 

6. RITA: What? Why?

7. DAWN: You’re rolling around the back of the truck, wailing like a cat. 

8. RITA: I’m in turmoil! If this were Bible times, I would have poofed into sackcloth and ashes. 

9. DAWN: Interesting. Was that not a sign of mourning or apology for wrongdoing? What did you do wrong?

10. RITA: [groan]. GREAT! She’s a Bible nerd too. 

11. DAWN: Does this have anything to do with why you were so weird with Sunny this morning at breakfast? You kissed her on the cheek when you said goodbye, instead of inspecting her fucking tonsils with your tongue like you usually do. You furrowed your brow when she gave you a little pat on the ass as you walked out the door, and you usually respond by making a noise akin to-

12. RITA: NO! NO! STOP GUESSING! STOP!

13. DAWN: Fine. WHEN you decide to tell me, I’ll help the best I can. 

14. RITA: [groan] What are we even doing here?

15. DAWN: I told you on the way here. 

16. RITA: You started talking about app developers, and my brain took a little vacation. 

17. DAWN: We were still in the garage when I started talking about app developers.

18. RITA: Yeah.

19. DAWN: [annoyed sigh] FINE. I guess I’ll fill you in AGAIN. 

20. RITA: Try to make it exciting. Pepper in some nudity. I’m fighting an internal battle. My ability to pay attention is gone. 

21. DAWN: You barely paid attention to things before.

22. RITA: Exactly. Hence the need to draw my interest with mentions of nudity.

23. DAWN: Sure. Okay. [pause] So I was going over the details of both Caoimhe’s and Dax’s murder in my head. [pause] Hold on, did you hear the part where Sunny got me Caoimhe’s autopsy report?

24. RITA: No. [groan] This is boring already. Now you want me to think of a dead lady? Brutally murdered old ladies are the antithesis of nudes

25. DAWN: [sigh] Sunny and her BOOBIES-

26. RITA: [yummy noise] I’m listening. 

27. DAWN: Sunny and her boobies got me Caoimhe’s autopsy report. According to the report, she fell face first on her coffee table, smashing her ocular cavity. 

28. RITA: [giggle] Ocular cavity.

29. DAWN: That’s her eye socket, nasty. That’s not a sexy thing.  And she’s dead, Rita. Are you horny for some old, dead lady?

30. RITA: Hey, have you met my girlfriend? She was born in the 1930’s, and she drinks human blood.

31. DAWN: Huh, I guess you are horny for an old, dead lady. [pause] ANYWAY, they assumed her right eye was destroyed by the impact with the corner of the table, but I think her right eye is what Carmilla took. Sunny and her...[pause] I’m losing you. Sunny and her booty-

32. RITA: [yummy noise] Yessss...her juicy little booty. You were losing me for a sec, but you brought me back. 

33. DAWN: Sunny is going to go over the autopsy report and see if she notices anything that looks like a red flag to her too. I hate that she’s doing it, but she insisted. She shouldn’t have to look at her, basically sister’s, autopsy report. 

34. RITA: I need to figure out where I’m gonna take my lady with my $200 in sugar cube money. 

35. DAWN: We can come up with ideas after I finish filling you in. 

36. RITA: FINE. What else did I miss while I disassociated on the drive over here?

37. DAWN: Did you hear the part about Carmilla’s press conference?

38. RITA: Yeah. Sunny told me last night. Miracle drug. Live a long time. No cancer. 

39. DAWN: Exactly. We need to figure out what the fuck that has to do with the witch murders, and what exactly she’s playing at. She thinks she can stop feeding Ambrogio, and we need to know that this new Sanguis drug has to do with it. 

40. RITA: So why are we hanging out in the ice cream truck, outside of People Magazine’s Sexiest Warlock of the year’s bar?

41. DAWN: I couldn’t sleep last night, so I wrote down everything I remembered about Max and Caoimhe’s murders. Whenever I’ve got a lot going on in my head, that usually helps me get it out of my head and I can go back to sleep. 

42. RITA: Okay, then why did I hear you in the living room at 1:00 AM?

43. DAWN: I noticed something. Before Caoimhe left Sunny’s place, she messaged her grandson Keegan. 

44. RITA: Yeah?

45. DAWN: She messaged him on this new app he’s been using. I looked up Keegan Murphy. Did you know the kid is like some big social media activist?

46. RITA: No shit? That’s cool.

47. DAWN: Yeah, I wasn’t half that socially aware at 20 years old. Gen-Z gives me hope. Anyway, the new app he used isn’t available to everyone yet. He was one of the few people in the United States to have the app. He got codes to hand out to people he talked to the most, so they could download it. 

48. RITA: Awww...And he used one on his Mee-maw?

49. DAWN: Yeah. I thought that was pretty cute too. [pause] Anyway, THEN, I remembered that Dax and Max were arguing about who had to make social media posts for the bar that night, and they had a new app they were helping test. 

50. RITA: Same app?

51. DAWN: Same app. So what’s the connection? It’s the SAME developer that was working on the mysterious Sanguis app. The ones I thought were highly sus, before I died. 

52. RITA: Okayyyy, okay. The plot thickens. You haven’t even mentioned nudity, and this has my attention. 

53. DAWN: The plot is about to get dummy thicc. 

54. RITA: I’m intrigued and horny for the story, continue. 

55. DAWN: The app is already available in Germany. Guess who the faces of it are?

56. RITA: Heidi Klum and Friedrich Nietzsche?

57. DAWN: Nietzsche is dead.

58. RITA: God is dead. 

59. DAWN: [sigh] That jacked energy vampire guy Lukas? Who we saw at that vampire summit at Lone Star Digital Assets? Him and his “somehow always pregnant” wife Sabine are the celebrity faces for the app. It’s called VoyR. 

60. RITA: Voyeur? It’s an app where you sit in a corner and watch other people have sex? Can I download it yet?

61. DAWN: It’s spelled V-O-Y-R, and it makes no sense, and I THINK you could technically watch people have sex on there, but that’s not the purpose. 

62. RITA: I’m less interested. 

63. DAWN: I saw a sponsored ad on social media where Lukas and Sabine were advertising a convention here in Dallas next month, where visitors get to download VoyR with their ticket purchase. I looked into it, and they’re having a whole tour of conventions. The Texas leg of their convention circuit is this month and next month. 

64. RITA: Okay?

65. DAWN: They’re having a convention in San Antonio this weekend, and one in Austin next weekend. But tickets are astronomically priced. I asked Dax if they had a discount code or something, since they’re one of the hand picked influencers for the app.

66. RITA: Did you also ask them if they wanted to go paint pottery at Color Me Mine, get gelato, and then spoon while you dorks watch Battlestar Galactica or something?

67. DAWN: No! Shut up! [sigh] Anyway, they said they were sent three passes that get them into any of the conventions for free. They have no intention of going, so they’re giving them to us. 

68. RITA: So we’re waiting on the passes?

69. DAWN: Yep. I figure whatever Carmilla is up to, we can learn SOMETHING at that convention. None of this can be a coincidence. 

70. RITA: Hold on, where was the convention this weekend?

71. DAWN: San Antonio

72. RITA: Give me your phone. 

73. DAWN: Why?

74. RITA: GIVE ME YOUR PHONE.

75. DAWN: FINE! Don’t leave anything disgusting on my search history again. 

76. RITA: Here we go!!! I thought I remembered seeing something about San Antonio on here!

77. DAWN: What?

78. RITA: Bucket Spreadsheet, biiiiiitch. 

79. DAWN: Oh yeah. I mean, this weekend is kind of short notice though, shouldn’t we-

80. RITA: You’ve got 10 months and some change before you might go to hell.

81. DAWN: [sigh] That’s a good point. I guess we’re taking a road trip. 

82. (MUSIC) Interstitial

SCENE TWO: Teacher’s desk: 2002, morning

(SOUND) Rewind noise

1. NARRATOR: A 13 year old Dawn stood in front of her history teacher’s desk after class. He furrowed his brow, reading a 5 page, MLA cited paper...from Dawn’s mom. 

2. TEACHER: [incredulous] This note is from your mom?

3. DAWN: Yes. You can see her signature at the bottom. 

4. TEACHER: And this is why you can’t go on the class trip to the Alamo?

5. DAWN: Yes. You can see the description of why it’s not feasible for me in paragraph 3. 

6. TEACHER: Yes, she certainly was descriptive, and she included a bibliography. So you have Hirschsprung’s Disease?

7. DAWN: Yes. 

8. TEACHER: And that is-

9. DAWN: A congenital condition that caused me to be born without the requisite ganglion cells in my colon, inhibiting the normal paristalsis of my digestive tract. 

10. TEACHER: [confused] Which means?

11. DAWN: I couldn’t poop until they did surgery on me as a baby. 

12. TEACHER: [uncomfortable] But you can poop now?? What does this have to do with a class trip to the Alamo?

13. DAWN: Though surgery was effectual, my digestive tract is still quite delicate. The hours of car travel could constipate me at best, or cause necrotizing enterocolitis at worst. 

14. TEACHER: [incredulous] Uh-huh. This was really thorough. This almost reads like the WebMD page for...what was it you have?

15. DAWN: [nervous] Uhh...Hirschsprung’s Disease. 

16. TEACHER: Yes, thank you. I don’t recall seeing this on file with the school. Should I call your mom to have her fill out the appropriate paperwork with administration? That way, she wouldn’t have to write such a thorough note every time you aren’t able to do something due to your Hirschsprung’s. We could give you whatever accommodations you need. 

17. DAWN: NO! I uhh...She doesn’t want to...You don’t need to call her if-

18. TEACHER: [gently, sympathetically] Dawn, I know this is fake. I know you don’t have a rare, life threatening, congenital poop disease. 

19. DAWN: [anxious] I, uh- But my mom signed it just down-

20. TEACHER: Oh, this disconcertingly convincing forgery? I don’t know how you did it, but I know this isn’t real. 

21. DAWN: [starting to cry] I-I-I’m sorry. I-I-

22. TEACHER: [reassuring] No! You’re not in trouble. I’m not gonna tell anyone. 

23. DAWN: Wh-wh-what?

24. TEACHER: Listen, I know you don’t really have friends in class. I know you’d be stuck in a hotel room for a night, with a bunch of these girls who ignore you every day, if you went on this trip. 

25. DAWN: [breaking down] I can’t do it. When they’re not ignoring me, they’re just being rude. 

26. TEACHER: Don’t tell anyone else I said this, but they suck. They make me want to cry sometimes too. And I can’t do anything about it, because they’re never overtly mean, they just say condescending stuff to me, and pretend they’re interested in something I’m doing. 

27. DAWN: [still sniffling, perking up at her teacher’s remark] Yeah! Sometimes I don’t realize they were really being mean until much later on. 

28. TEACHER: Same. [sigh] And with that in mind, and the fact that you’re a good kid, I’m just going to say that your mom wouldn’t sign your permission slip for the field trip. You don’t have to tell her the trip is happening at all. 

29. DAWN: Really?! I’d been so afraid that if I showed her the permission slip, she’d make me go. 

30. TEACHER: Your mom doesn’t see how brutal theses girls are. I’m in the trenches with you, I get it. 

31. DAWN: So that’s it? I don’t have to go to the Alamo?

32. TEACHER: Nope. Just tell your mom it’s early release next Friday. That’s technically the truth. We’ll all get on the bus, and you will go home to write me a paper about Santa Anna. 

33. DAWN: Anything about Santa Anna?

34. TEACHER: Go nuts. But try not to write 30 pages about him like you did about Amelia Earhart, okay? It’s a paper, not a biography. [pause] Oh, and next time you write a fake science paper, us APA citation, not MLA. Just in case you need to get out of something with a biology teacher someday. 

35. DAWN: Thank you soooooo much. 

36. TEACHER: No problem, kiddo. Besides, you’ve got your whole life to see the Alamo. 

37. (MUSIC) Interstitial

(AD REEL) 

SCENE THREE: Ice Cream truck, road to San Antonio: Morning

1. NARRATOR: Dawn drove the ice cream truck, while Sunny sat in the passenger’s seat. Rita lay sprawled out in the back of the truck, between the freezers. Their luggage was nestled between Rita and the back door of the truck. 

2. (SOUND) Road noise 

3. (SOUND) Luggage fall 

4. RITA: Ouch! Jesus, fuck. 

5. DAWN: What are you doing back there?

6. RITA: ME?! One of YOUR big ass bags fell on my head. 

7. DAWN: Some of that is still stuff I took from the old apartment. 

8. SUNNY: Thanks for bringing me along. The Murphy’s are doing some Druid-only funeral stuff this weekend, so I would have been home alone. [pause] And you know, you can move ALL your stuff into the house, right? You live there now too. 

9. DAWN: I just feel bad. Most of it is computer parts and my soldering stuff. I’d fuck up the mid-century modern aesthetic you have going on with all of my wires and shit. 

10. SUNNY: I have a desk in my garage that we can move into your room. We’ll get you set up. You can decorate your room however you want. Except farmhouse decor. I won’t have that heterosexual nonsense in my house. 

11. DAWN: Blech, pass on the farmhouse decor. I’m not a white Christian lady who got married too early and had a million kids. [pause] But thank you, maybe I can work my way through that artificer book that Dax gave me and see about building some things. I don’t quite know how to make any of it magical though.

12. RITA: [sigh] I TOLD you, the fact that YOU make the thing is what makes it magical, you fucking turd. 

13. SUNNY: [confused] Why are you being a jerk to Dawn?

14. DAWN: It’s because I only let her buy one thing at Buc-ee’s.

15. SUNNY: Are you serious?

16. RITA: It’s because she only let me buy one thing at Buc-ee’s.

17. SUNNY: Don’t you have money from selling sugar cubes?

18. RITA: THAT IS FOR ME TO TAKE YOU ON A DATE. 

19. DAWN: I made her choose between an “I heart beavers” shirt and a gallon of peanut butter filled pretzels. 

20. RITA: [sullen] I should have gotten the shirt. The pretzels are already gone. 

21. SUNNY: It’s only been an hour!

22. RITA: [tongue click] You know your girl likes to eat. 

23. DAWN: Gross. [pause] Okay, so what’s the plan once we get to the convention? I’m anxious about having to go to a conference with influencers, more than the fact that most of them will be energy vampires. 

24. RITA: That’s fair. They’re scary in their own right. 

25. SUNNY: I’ve been reading about the San Antonio convention. Their Dallas show is fitness based, I guess just because that’s the big demographic in Dallas. This one in San Antonio is for food related influencers. Like restauranteurs and cookbook writers. 

26. RITA: YES! I am FAR more excited to go now. There’ll be food there, right?

27. SUNNY: I assume so. [pause] Will they know our passes were sent to Dax? Do they have their name on them?

28. DAWN: They just say Dax and Max bar. 

29. SUNNY: What if our cover is that Dax is going to start selling food at the bar? We could be the new staff he’s hired to create the menu. We’re wanting to learn from established chefs, so we know how to get the best engagement on our food posts. 

30. DAWN: What kind of food?

31. RITA: Why does the lie need to be that detailed?

32. DAWN: Because I need to be prepared with the appropriate script for the weekend in my head, or I’ll panic and disassociate anytime a stranger talks to me. 

33. RITA: Fine. Tapas. We’re doing tapas with a Texas twist. Chipotle Spanish omelettes made with sweet potatoes, locally sourced Texas cheeses, fried green tomato croquettes, and...I don’t know, some other stuff. Is that detailed enough for you, or shall I create the whole god damn menu. 

34. DAWN: [surprised] Did you just come up with all of that?

35. RITA: Yes. 

36. DAWN: I’m just not used to your pallet being so...refined. 

37. RITA: I can enjoy peanut butter out of the jar, AND fine dining. You know that Anthony Bourdain eats a microwave burrito every day, in his heavenly dimension?

38. DAWN: No way.

39. RITA: Yes way. So we’ve got our cover? 

40. SUNNY: I think that improv menu from Rita means that she should play the part of the chef. I can be...the food stylist? I just don’t need anyone there trying to hand me food I can’t eat. And Dawn, you can be the bar’s new social media manager?

41. DAWN: [relieved sigh] Yeah. I think that should be enough for me to manage while we’re there. 

42. RITA: TAKE EXIT 183!

43. DAWN: WHY?! WHY ARE YOU YELLING!

44. SUNNY: [laughing] Did you see that sign for the kolache place?

45. RITA: Yes. 

46. DAWN: I am NOT stopping again. You don’t need to pee. We only need to stop when I’ve gotta take a break. 

47. RITA: If you buy me kolaches, I’ll stop complaining for the rest of the drive. 

48. DAWN: Exit 83, you said?

SCENE FOUR: Public Radio: 10:00AM

1. (SOUND) Static

2. OTTO: Welcome back, listeners. I’m your host, Otto Buckingham. Today on The Texas Timeline, we’ve got the privilege of having one of the most talked about Texans in current events, Carmilla Gwyar, here to talk about [pause] well, to talk about her claim that Sanguis Pharmaceuticals has created a true panacea, and the only thing keeping us from this cure-all is the US government. 

Here to share their concerns about this new miracle drug is Anarcho-Socialist philosopher and author, Blaze Chapman. 

2. BLAZE: Thanks for having me here, Otto. 

3. CARMILLA: [southern] Glad to be here too.

4. OTTO: Now, let’s dive right in here. Ms. Gwyar-

5. CARMILLA: Oh, we’re all friends here, Otto. Please, call me Carmilla. 

6. OTTO: Thank you, Carmilla. Carmilla, it has been unmitigated chaos for congressional staffers, since your press conference. Some members of congress have had to shut down their phone lines entirely, due to the influx of calls. Were you expecting anything like this?

7. CARMILLA: First of all, I think it’s shameful that they’re cutting off a line of communication with their constituents. I think even Blaze agrees with me on that. 

8. BLAZE: I don’t think Congress should exist at all, but sure. 

9. CARMILLA: And truthfully, Otto, this is exactly what I hoped for. 

10. OTTO: It is?! Some politicians who were opposed to the Telomere Bill are being doxxed. Our very own Senator, Ralph Owens, flew to Puerto Vallarta to avoid the madness. 

11. BLAZE: He’s been FOR the Telomere Bill since his family died in that plane crash. Don’t get me started on how strange that looks. It’s more like he left to avoid any culpability for his role in privatizing more of our infrastructure. Capitalist coward. 

12. OTTO: BlaZe, his family died.

13. BLAZE: So did 50 Texans who went without power during that freeze, because our electrical grid is privately owned. 

14. CARMILLA: I’m not here to argue about our Senator’s vacation plans, BlaZe, or regulations for infrastructure. I don’t know a dang thing about electricity! I do know that we all deserve a little time off. 

15. BLAZE: His policies literally kill people. 

16. OTTO: Please, please. Let’s stay on topic. So, Carmilla, you told people to contact their elected officials. Are you happy with what’s happening?

17. CARMILLA: I would never condone any violence, but I AM proud of the law abiding constituents who are letting their elected officials know exactly what they want. Every moment wasted NOT putting the Telomere Bill on the schedule for voting is another moment someone dies of something we can prevent entirely, once human trials are done. 

18. BLAZE: I-Can I ask a question here, Otto?

19. OTTO: Sure, Blaze.  

20. BLAZE: You said this miracle drug would be free, to anyone who wants it, right?

21. CARMILLA: Yes, there would be no monetary cost. 

22. BLAZE: Aha! See, that’s the line you keep repeating. What’s the real cost? It may not cost money, but what are people paying for it?

23. CARMILLA: I assure you, I’m not talking about anything so heinous as some tech billionaire, who shall not be named, suggesting that folks wanting to go on his future missions to mars become indentured servants. 

24. OTTO: Then what kind of payment ARE we talking about?

25. CARMILLA: I can’t disclose the full information yet, but it’s essentially just a little bit of time and energy. And I mean a LITTLE bit! Less time than you spend drinking your coffee every day. 

26. OTTO: Blaze, I know you had some additional concerns as well. Would you care to voice those?

27. BLAZE: Yes, thank you, Otto. Ms. Gwyar-

28. CARMILLA: Please, honey, you can call me Carmilla. 

29. BLAZE: Ms. Gwyar, would Sanguis sell the patent to this drug? If it’s truly the miracle cure you claim it is, shouldn’t more people have the opportunity to make this? What if something happens to Sanguis, or one of your plants? If you’re the only ones making this new drug, and society becomes dependent on it, wouldn’t it make sense for as many pharmaceutical companies as possible to have the rights to produce it? 

30. CARMILLA: We have no plans to sell the patent for this drug. The science on this is so complex, we want to be able to handle the quality control for this drug. But don’t you fret about us having all of our eggs in one basket! Sanguis has manufacturing plants on every continent, save for Antarctica. All of them will begin producing this new drug, as soon as we’re approved to make it. 

31. OTTO: And how soon do you anticipate that will be?

32. CARMILLA: Well, Otto, I guess it’ll be breaking news - I just got word that the house has fast tracked a vote on the telomere bill for next week.

33. BLAZE: WHAT?! 

34. OTTO: Incredible!

35. BLAZE: We were months out from a vote. Is anyone going to ask why she’s in such a rush? What are you really trying to do here?! Doesn’t this all seem too good to be-

36. OTTO: I’m sorry Blaze, it’s membership drive time. The lifeblood of public radio, our listeners, can get some spectacular gifts for becoming members or upping their recurring donation. We’re going to take a break and have Yaris and Danielle, from the Snap Poetry Hour, fill you in on the details. When we come back, we’ll have Nigel Hartley of the BBC, that’s right, THE Baked Bean Commission, on to talk about an issue that’s currently polarizing the legume community: Butterbeans. Are they just baby Lima beans? We’ll see you after the break. 

37. (SOUND) Static

SCENE FIVE: AirBnB: Thursday Night 8:30 PM

1. Narrator: After a four hour drive to San Antonio, they made it to their rental place around midday. Sunny had kindly paid for an AirBnB, out in the woods, for the three of them. Dawn had been concerned at the idea of being in a hotel. She knew Sanguis was looking for her. A hotel seemed like it was full of ways she could be tracked down. She had used cash for gas the whole drive, and she avoided toll roads. It wasn’t foolproof, but it was something. After spending the afternoon looking around San Antonio, the ladies retired to their rental for the evening. 

2. DAWN: Thanks for taking me to the Alamo, ya’ll. That’s one more thing off of the bucket spreadsheet. 

3. RITA: I just don’t know WHY you wanted to go. The Alamo is lame. A bunch of land stealing, white guys lost a battle. Why do Texans like commemorating, not only their problematic history, but a devastating LOSS in their problematic history? 

4. SUNNY: I don’t think it’s about the actual battle of the Alamo, baby. It’s just a Texan rite of passage to visit the Alamo. Most of us were dragged there on school trips. 

5. DAWN: Yep. I skipped my school trip to the Alamo. I didn’t want to be stuck in a hotel room with the mean girls from my class. It was just unfinished business. 

6. RITA: Now you’re stuck in an AirBnB with the meanest girls around. Gimme that mug, dork!

7. NARRATOR: Rita snatched a souvenir mug that Dawn had been mindlessly staring at while they talked, and held it above her own head. 

8. DAWN: [sigh] I’m not going to jump to try to get my new mug from you. If you break it, we have to go back to the Alamo to get a new one. 

9. RITA: Oh, Jesus. Never mind. I’ll find a different way to bully you later. 

10. SUNNY: Did you feel like you needed to get a mug of your own, because you can’t help but feel like my mugs have held human blood.

11. DAWN: Oh my god, how did you know? I swear, I believe you. I’m sorry. I just can’t get around it.

12. SUNNY: [laughs] You’ve taken Rita to the place down the block for coffee, the past couple mornings. I figured you were bugging out about blood stuff. I’m really not upset. 

13. RITA: Is THAT why you’ve been buying me Pain au Chocolat at the cafe?

14. DAWN: Yes. 

15. RITA: Are we gonna stop going there, now that you have that mug?

16. DAWN: Yes. 

17. RITA: I gotta smash the mug. Baby needs that sweet, sweet breads.

18. DAWN: [struggling over mug with Rita] Stop it! [struggling] We have bread at home!

19. SUNNY: [admonishing] Rita! Cut it out!

20. DAWN: [struggling] Jesus! Would you- [laughing] You’re [being tickled] tickling me?! [laughing] 

21. SUNNY: [laughing] 

22. RITA: [tickling] Fucking right I am. [struggling] I fight dirty, bitch. 

23. DAWN: [laughing] We. Can. Buy. Bread. And. Chocolate. At. The. Store. [laughing] 

24. RITA: [struggling] No! [struggling] I want the bougie French stuff with chocolate in it! [struggling] This mug will keep me from my bliss!

25. (SOUND) Ghostly donkey noises

26. SUNNY: [gasp] 

27. DAWN: Huh?

28. NARRATOR: The three of the ladies froze in place. Dawn was curled in the fetal position on the couch, clutching her Alamo mug to her torso, in an effort to protect it from Rita. Rita stood on top of the couch, one foot to either side of Dawn. She leaned down over Dawn, her long arms paused at Dawn’s rib cage, where she had been unleashing her barrage of tickles. Sunny, previously amusing herself with their antics from a nearby chair, looked toward the sliding glass door at the back of their rental. 

29. SUNNY: I-I think it came from the road. It sounds far away. 

30. DAWN: These people don’t have donkey. 

31. SUNNY: That sounded like a ghost of a donkey. What was that?

32. RITA: Hold on, do I know that donkey? 

33. SUNNY: You know a ghost donkey?

34. RITA: Maybe? That ghost voice sounds familiar. 

35. DAWN: So it’s not the fat dab you just had me smoke? I DID hear a ghost donkey? 

36. RITA: Quite possibly. We should go look. 

37. (SOUND) Occasional ghost donkey 

38. (SOUND) Night time outdoor noises

39. NARRATOR: Dawn, Sunny, and Rita piled into the ice cream truck. They followed the occasional brays of the possibly spectral donkey. Sunny’s vampire hearing was especially helpful. They reached a gate that blocked off a narrow bridge. There were two signs. One ready “Elm Creek”, the other, read “Donkey Lady Bridge.”

40. DAWN: Well, I’m guessing that sign means we’re in the right place. Should we get out and look? 

41. SUNNY: Sure, but I feel like you should bring Cabroncita. 

42. DAWN: Good call. 

43. NARRATOR: The ladies parked the truck, and walked onto the bridge. 

44. (SOUND) Creek water rushing

45. RITA: Are you there, ghost donkey? It’s me, Rita. 

46. (PAUSE) 

47. RITA: I don’t hear anything. Do you hear anything?

48. DAWN: No, it’s like it stopped. I do feel like we’re being watched though, I just-

49. (SOUND) Hoofbeats fade in

50. SUNNY: Shhh...do you hear that?

51. RITA: Hear what? I just hear-

52. DAWN: Hoofbeats!

53. SUNNY: But where are they coming from?

54. NARRATOR: Just then, in a shimmering streak of light, a green, spectral donkey appeared. They ran directly at Rita, stopping inches from her face. 

55. (SOUND) gasp

56. RITA: Son. Of. A. Bitch. Greg?!

57. GREG: [panicked, recently crying] Rita! I thought I heard you in the area. I don’t have time to catch up. I need your help. 

58. RITA: Oh, shit. What’s wrong Greg? You don’t sound good at all. Where’s Florence? 

59. GREG: That’s the problem, I can’t find her! Florence is gone! [hee-haw] 

60. RITA: OH NO! Okay, we’ll do whatever we can to help. 

(Pause)

61. DAWN: Uhh..Hi? Are you going to-

62. RITA: Oh! I’m being rude. Greg, this is Dawn, and this is my girlfriend, Sunny.

63. GREG: [composing himself] Pleased to meet you both. 

64. SUNNY: I think Dawn wanted to know why we’re talking to Greg, who Florence is, and generally, what the fuck is going on. 

65. (SOUND) Car driving up 

66. (SOUND) Car parking

67. GREG: Apologies. I haunt this bridge with my soulmate. B-b-but...she’s disappeared. I can’t find her, I-I’m so alone, and I think someone is-

68. (SOUND) Magic bomb, alchemist

69. (SOUND) Gasp

70. (SOUND) Ghostly donkey bray

71. ALCHEMIST: There’s that fucking donkey. You’re next!

72. (SOUND) Magic bomb