Today’s Lucky Winner

Warlock Orgy

April 01, 2021 Season 1 Episode 14
Today’s Lucky Winner
Warlock Orgy
Show Notes Transcript

In this episode, Dawn gets an offer she might refuse. She and Rita have a heart-to-heart over a stolen wallet. Rita does drugs. We understand that could be literally any episode, we just want you to know  she does drugs in this one. Sunny and Rita do some SMOOCHIN’. We flashback to hell, where Rita teaches a demon about film history. Carmilla has a press conference. There are no drugs or smooching at the press conference, but it may be worth your time.

P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 14? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!

Cast:
Narrator, Angry Bar Customer, Donald - Sean Turner @seanwkturner
Dawn, Jennifer Vargas - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid
Dax, Alex Miller-  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale
Sunny, Carmilla , Devlin - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222
Rita - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Special Consultant/Sensitivity Reader:
Taryn Gray

Taryn’s Gaming Channel:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCuNVJLjWwEIHbIGH2X-KZcQ
Taryn’s Art Channel:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVwbVh-SRJkaq3Vr5hVLIFw

Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original theme  written and performed by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original music by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

Mixgnomer Website
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Rating Introduction:


1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.


Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 


Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 


Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for you.


(Previously On)


(MUSIC) Intro 



SCENE ONE: Dax and Max Bar: Around midnight, bar fight


1. (SOUND) Bar commotion


2. (SOUND) Punches

 

3. NARRATOR: After Rita punched the angry sugar cube recipient, chaos ensued. Disappointed at the extreme LACK of psychedelics in their recent purchases from Rita, several other unwitting bar customers came forward to give her a piece of their mind. Most of her recent clients offered her a review of their purchase by hurtling their fists at her face. 


4. (SOUND) Face Punch


5. RITA: [mush mouth from being punched] Can’t this just be a learning experience for you all? 


6. DAWN: [to everyone at the bar] We’re leaving, okay! I’m taking her and we’re going. 


7. ANGRY CUSTOMER: You’re not going anywhere!


8. (SOUND) FACE PUNCH


9. NARRATOR: Dawn had never been in a fist fight. She had never done anything to warrant that kind of an altercation. She had always thought that she could never throw a punch at someone. That was until this fake-drug-buying, ass face decided to take their aggression out on her. Something primal overtook her, and she came up swinging. 


10. (SOUND) Face Punch


11. ANGRY CUSTOMER: [pained grunt] OH MY GOD, THAT’S YOUR BLOOD ON MY FACE! IS THAT AN OPEN WOUND ON YOUR HAND? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? 


12. DAWN: [spits] [absolutely fucking unhinged] I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FACE, BIIIITCH!


13. (SOUND) Face punches, several 


14. (SOUND) Pained grunts


15. RITA: [matching Dawn’s energy] YESSSS LI’L BUDDY! LET THE HATE FLOW THROUGH YOU!


16. NARRATOR: A wave of chaos washed over the bar. People who hadn’t been involved in the whole “If I paid $10 for this sugar cube, it had better be full of drugs” fiasco began fighting amongst themselves. It all reached a screeching halt when a voice boomed from the top of the bar. 


(VOCAL EFFECT: VOICE OF GOD?) 

17. DAX: EVERYONE STOP. 


18. NARRATOR: Dax stood on top of the bar and stared down at the crowd. Folks stopped mid fight and looked to them. Dawn stared at them too. Rita was the only one who seemed unaffected, as she began to steal the wallet of the gentlemen who had her by her jacket collar. 


(VOCAL EFFECT: VOICE OF GOD)

19. DAX: ANYONE WHO ATTEMPTED TO BUY DRUGS TONIGHT, LEAVE. NEVER COME BACK. 


20. NARRATOR: Ten people, including the gentleman who had Rita by the collar, dropped what they were doing, and robotically walked out of the bar. 


(VOCAL EFFECT: VOICE OF GOD)

21. DAX: ANYONE WHO ISN’T NAMED DAWN OR RITA - IF YOU THREW A PUNCH TONIGHT, START CLEANING UP THE BAR. 


22. NARRATOR: All but a handful of folks started picking up dropped cans and bottles, and began putting back misplaced furniture. One person used their own shirt to start soaking up a drink that was spilled on one of the couches. A confused gentlemen stood in front of Dax, and looked up at them. 


23. DAX: Can I help you?


24. DON: When you said, “Anyone who isn’t named Dawn,” did you mean D-A-W-N or D-O-N?


25. DAX: D-A-W-N.


26. DON: My apologies, my name is Donald. I’ll get to cleaning. 


27. DAX: Good. Everyone else - I’m so sorry for the commotion tonight, and I hope you feel safe to come back. If you head over to the bar before you leave, Rico will hand you some drink vouchers to use on your next visit. 


28. NARRATOR: Dax hopped off of the bar and walked toward Dawn. Dawn watched in wonder, as she tried to figure out what they had just done. 


29. DAX: You and Rita. Outside. Now. 


30. NARRATOR: Dawn and Rita followed Dax out to the front of the bar. Rita rifled through her newly pilfered wallet. She found an old family photo, that included the guy she pick pocketed. Assuring herself that he must have this beloved memory digitally archived, she crumpled it up and tossed it behind her. Meanwhile, Dawn discovered she had a split lip. 


31. DAX: Good thing I was going to get you the first aid kit. 


32. DAWN: I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking back there. They punched and I fucking lost it. 


33. DAX: Meh, you helped me filter out some customers I didn’t want there anyway. We’re a community center during the day. I don’t need people thinking this is a place where they can buy drugs. 


34. DAWN: But what about the damage to your bar?


35. DAX: The guilty parties are cleaning it up. Besides, why do you think the place is decorated with thrift store furniture?


36. DAWN: Oh, this happens a lot?


37. DAX: Every now and then. 


38. DAWN: What was that you did back there? They just listened to everything you told them to do?


39. DAX: It’s one of my warlock things. Not everyone can do it. I can’t do it for long without Max. It was sort of a “joint-effort” spell. 


40. DAWN: And you can just make people do whatever you want?


41. DAX: No, nothing that sinister. I can suggest a logical course of action for them. I can’t make them do anything wild like hurt themselves or something. [pause] Is it okay if I take care of your cuts?


42. DAWN: Uhh, yeah. Sure. 


43. NARRATOR: Dax and Dawn sat on the curb in front of the bar. Dax tended to Dawn’s hand and lip, grabbing antiseptics and bandages from the first aid kit on their lap. Meanwhile, Rita lead a thorough investigation of a dime bag full of alien head-shaped pills she found in her stolen wallet. She conducted her research by consuming them all. 


44. DAX: There you go! I think that will stave off infection. 


45. DAWN: Thanks. For everything. Sorry we thought you were evil there for a little. 


46. DAX: That’s really okay. Most Warlocks shouldn’t be trusted. I don’t blame you. 


47. DAWN: I’m gonna let you know what we learn, so you can tell Max. I think I’d want to know what’s going on if I were him. 


48. DAX: Umm...can I ask you something? Unrelated. 


49. DAWN: Sure. 


50. DAX: Would you want to come hang out and play Warcraft or something with me sometime? We could order takeout and just chill? [pause] I mean that as like a date. Was that clear? I’m bad at making that clear sometimes. 


51. DAWN: [anxious] Uhh, I- It’s just...I’m-


52. DAX: I’m sorry, that was weird, right? You’re don’t want to. It’s-


53. DAWN: I’m uh- I’m asexual. 


54. DAX: [joking] Phew! Good thing I invited you to play video games instead of to that giant warlock orgy I’m hosting. 


55. RITA: [very high] Whoaaaaa, I’m paying attention now. Please say the Warl-orgy isn’t a joke...Either of you happen to have gum or a pacifier on you? 


56. DAWN: You still want me to come play Warcraft with you?


57. DAX: Yeah. I mean, are you aromantic too? You know what? I shouldn’t have asked you that. No pressure. But I’d still like to ask you on a video game date, if you wanted. Or non date. 


58. DAWN: Oh..I, uh-


59. DAX: Hey, don’t sweat it. Can I put my number in your phone?


60. DAWN: Sure.


61. DAX: Here, if you want to hang out, just text me. You can set the terms. If it’s a date, it’s a date. If it’s not, it’s not. Either way, I make a friend. [pause] Max was the one who made friends for us both. He even set me up on dates. I kind of suck at social stuff, so I’m just excited to meet someone who I have so much in common with. [awkward] Sorry if I’m coming off too strong. 


62. DAWN: No! Not at all. I’m weird at this too. I never really had friends when I was alive.


63. RITA: ORGY. YES OR NO!


64. DAWN: [aside to Rita] Cut it out! [to Dax] But I’ll definitely text you. Games and food sound like fun. 


65. DAX: [grinning] Cool. [pause] Oh! I forgot. I grabbed a couple things for you. 


66. DAWN: What are these? Fingerless gloves?


67. DAX: These are some leather fingerless gloves that were left at my place by an artificer I used to date. 


68. DAWN: They don’t want them back?


69. DAX: He’s an asshole, you need them more than he does. 


70. DAWN: Do they, you know, DO anything?


71. DAX: Think of them as adding +3 to your strength modifier. You’ll have super strong arms. 


72. DAWN: Whoa! Thank you! This is amazing. 


73. DAX: [chuckle] Just try not to wear them in the next bar fight you’re in. You could literally kill someone. [pause] And this book is an artificer magic book. 


74. DAWN: You don’t want to keep this?


75. DAX: I can’t make heads or tails of the blueprints in there. You have to be a witch and an engineer to make this shit. It’s so far beyond me. 


76. DAWN: [happy] Thank you. These are such generous gifts. 


77. DAX: Thank YOU. This is the first time I haven’t felt completely helpless, since Max died. Other Warlocks don’t really talk to me, and other types of witches aren’t great at working together. I think it’s great that you’re trying to get justice for everyone. 


78. DAWN: I mean, thanks, but I’m mostly doing this for myself. I’m trying to find out why I was murdered too. 


79. DAX: Nah, you can tell yourself that, but you’re not just doing this for yourself. I don’t think you’d risk your temporary vessel being eviscerated by some eeeeeevil Warlock, if you were really just concerned for yourself. 


80. DAWN: [smiling] Thanks for not murdering me. 


81. DAX: [smiling] It’s the least I could do. [pause] Well, I’d better get back to the bar. [a little nervous] It was wonderful meeting you, Dawn. 


82. DAWN: [grinning] You too Dax. I’ll text you soon. 


83. DAX: [yelling to Rita] It was nice meeting you too, Rita. 


84. RITA: This lemonade is disgusting, but I’m SO thirsty. 


85. DAX: [to Dawn] Should you make her stop drinking from that sidewalk puddle?


86. DAWN: Meh, it won’t kill her. 


87. NARRATOR: Dax walked back to the bar, taking one last glance at Dawn before they went inside. Dawn remained sitting on the curb, leafing through the artificer book she had been gifted. She saw schematics for things that looked similar to the bombs her Uncle Nate had thrown at energy vampires. She was ecstatic. If she could figure this stuff out, maybe they actually stood a chance against Carmilla next time they saw her. Meanwhile, Reaper metabolism in full effect, Rita began to come down from her mystery pills. She sat next to Dawn on the curb. 


88. DAWN: Coming down?


89. RITA: [hungover] Crashing. [pause] So did I hear you say what I thought you said, just a little bit ago?


90. DAWN: Say what? About what?


91. RITA: About why you were hesitant to go on a date with Dax. 


92. DAWN: Oh-uh. I...When I told them I’m asexual?


93. RITA: Yes! Li’l Buddy! You know how long I’d been waiting for you to say you were in the Alphabet Mafia too?


94. DAWN: You knew? Why didn’t you say something?


95. RITA: Yeah! It’s in your file! And it just wasn’t my place to bring it up. I didn’t know if you were comfortable talking about it. [pause] Why do you think I’ve never asked if you wanna smash? 


96. DAWN: I just assumed you weren’t sexually attracted to me. 


97. RITA: Oh, please. You’re thicker than a milkshake, and you’ve got hair like a beautiful mustang on prenatal vitamins. 


98. DAWN: [laughs] Thanks, I guess? [pause] Wait, so it said I’m asexual in my file?


99. RITA: Yep. You know you’re asexual, so the file knows it. 


100. DAWN: Geez, did you happen to see if it said I’m aromantic too? Or where on the asexual spectrum I fall?


101. RITA: Uhhh, no, because that wasn’t in there. You’re not sure, so the file isn’t sure. Even so, stuff like sexuality and gender is written in pencil.


102. DAWN: Cool. That doesn’t help me at all. 


103. RITA: How about you go on a date with Dax and see how you feel? They seemed pretty jazzed just at the idea of hanging out with you. 


104. DAWN: I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know if it’s a platonic or romantic attraction. I REALLY like looking at them, like, a lot...and I just keep thinking about how I want to cuddle with them while we watch Star Trek and share a pizza. 


105. RITA: That could be platonic or romantic. You’ve got an opportunity to explore that, if you want. Remember, I’m gonna be no farther than 100 yards away, no matter what you decide. I can stay at the perimeter or my reaper leash, or I can cuddle between the two of you and make sure they keep their sexy hands to themself. Either way, it’s up to you. 


106. DAWN: Thanks. I think I spent so much time assuming people would reject me, when I was alive, that I rejected them first. I’m so bad at friendships, let alone figuring out if I’ve got romantic feelings. Meeting people while we’ve worked on my murder case is making me realize that all that rejection I was so worried about was mostly in my head. 


107. RITA: Well, you don’t have to figure out whether or not you want Dax’s perfect face snuggled up to yours right now. I think you need to pull up your bucket spreadsheet. 


108. DAWN: What? Why?


109. RITA: Number 82. 


110. DAWN: “See a fist fight”. Oh! Thanks, I guess. 


111. RITA: Yeah, didn’t expect you to join in. You went fucking feral back there! That was cool!


112. DAWN: I don’t know what came over me. 


113. RITA: You released the fucking beast! 


114. DAWN: Yeah, well this beast has a split lip and a sliced up hand. 


115. RITA: Let’s get you home and have my sexy Dr. Vampire Lu-VAH take a look at you.


116. DAWN: That sounds good.


117. RITA: Do you feel up to driving, after that fight? You wanna get a cab or something, this wallet I stole has some cash we could- Oh...Oh no. 


118. (SOUND) paper folding


119. DAWN: What?


120. RITA: There’s an old newspaper clipping in this wallet about the sole survivor of a “Mini Golf Massacre.”


121. DAWN: What does that mean?


122. RITA: Ughhhh...It means I feel guilty about taking this wallet. Help me find a beloved family photo I crinkled up and tossed in the street. I’m gonna leave this with Rico at the bar. 


123. DAWN: Why are you pulling all the cash out?


124. RITA: This guy may have lost his family in a Putt-Putt related murder spree, but he still punched me. Besides, the best thing you can do for someone who has gone through trauma like this is to treat them like anyone else. And I’d take the drugs and cash out of any wallet I stole. 


125. DAWN: I don’t think that’s true. 


126. RITA: Shhhh...yes it is. 


127. (MUSIC) Interstital


128. (AD REEL) 




SCENE TWO: Hell: Time?? Past? Night?


1. (SOUND) Rewind noise


2. (SOUND) Knock on grate 


3. DEVLIN: Hey


4. (SOUND) Knock on grate


5. DEVLIN: Hey, Rita.


6. (SOUND) Knock on grate


7. DEVLIN: You up?


8. (SOUND) Knock on grate


9. DEVLIN: Rita, you up? I just- 


10. (RITA SCARY VOICE) 


11. RITA: YES, YES DEVLIN. THIS IS HELL. I DON’T HAVE A CORPOREAL BODY, SO I DON’T SLEEP. I AM ALWAYS UP. I’M UP ALL THE TIME. NOBODY HAS EVER BEEN MORE “UP” THAN I AM RIGHT NOW. 


12. NARRATOR: Rita, in her original form, floated above a small, bare bed in her room at rehab. Near where her head would be laying, if she had a head in this form, was a metal drainage grate on the floor. She could see the thick glasses of Devlin’s favored human disguise staring at her through the slats. 


13. DEVLIN: I...I- uhh...I just wanted to tell you, after group therapy earlier...that I think it’s kind of bullshit they put you here. 


14. RITA: Oh...uh...thanks?


15. DEVLIN: This is for mimic demons. You reap human souls. You have to see them all the time. Why wouldn’t you try to look like one? I’m just a spy. I may work around humans, but I mostly just kill them and eat their brains. 


16. RITA: Okay, THANK YOU. That’s what I’m saying! Why is it so bad that I choose to look like a human? They’re literally my job. 


17. DEVLIN: And they just stuck you here because they don’t know how to deal with you. I wouldn’t like it very much if I had to go to some training thing for reapers. 


18. RITA: Actually, the training videos for reapers are kind of fun. They haven’t updated them since-


19. DEVLIN: I’m just saying, I know you’re gonna be stuck in your room for a while, and I know it’s hard looking like someone you know you aren’t. If you ever need to talk while you’re here, just knock on the grate. 


20. RITA: Hey Dev?


21. DEVLIN: Yeah?


22. RITA: I’m sorry I told you to suck a wet fart out of my dirty asshole. You were sharing your accomplishment, and I was just mad at my own situation. 


23. DEVLIN: Oh! That was a lie!


24. RITA: What?!


25. DEVLIN: Yeah, I wanted privileges to go to movie night, and doc said I could only get them if I shared in group. I figured sharing a “win” would get me even more points. 


26. RITA: Dev! You’re a fucking rascal! You’re not such a bad guy after all. 


27. DEVLIN: Oh, I’m bad. I’m a demon. 


28. RITA: I don’t think a bad guy would go our of his way to make me feel less lonely. 


29. DEVLIN: Well, I just...I did just tell you I LIED. 


30. RITA: That lie didn’t hurt anybody, Dev. Some lies do, but that one didn’t. I’m a celestial being, and even I’ve told some pretty big lies. 


31. DEVLIN: So you’re not just “good” by default?


32. RITA: Nah, I don’t think any of us are. It all comes down to choices, Dev. Choices. I CHOSE to cheat my way into going to earth a bunch of times. I HATE coming back whenever the year is done. Unfortunately, I’ve realized that those lies hurt the very humans I adore so much. I’m supposed to be an automaton, but I CHOSE to do something arguably “bad”. 


33. DEVLIN: Huh, I never really thought I had the option to be anything but “bad”. What happens to other reapers who make bad choices?


34. RITA: I don’t know. I don’t feel like I’ve ever met another Reaper capable of lying. I might be the first dud they’ve had to deal with. 


35. DEVLIN: Huh. [pause] Say, could you tell me what movies are like? I experience linear time, and I haven’t been to earth since 1602 AD. 


36. RITA: You risked it all by lying to Doc, for a movie, and you’ve never seen one?!


37. DEVLIN: Nope. It just seemed like an exciting way to break up my time here. 


38. RITA: Well, want me to tell you about the greatest film ever created?!


39. DEVLIN: Yes! More than anything!


40. RITA: Interestingly enough, the creation of Comedy genre of film can be attributed to the release of this movie as well. 


41. DEVLIN: They had comedy plays. They couldn’t manage it on film?


42. RITA: Nope! Not until this one. 


43. DEVLIN: When did it come out?! What’s it called?


44. RITA: [clears throat] Films first became funny in 1997, upon the release of Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery...


45. (SOUND) Rewind noise


46. (MUSIC) Interstitial 




SCENE THREE: SUNNY’S BED: 9:30 AM


1. NARRATOR: Bathed in a sunbeam that peeked from between the curtains, Sunny and Rita lied facing each other in bed, a tangled mass of arms and legs beneath a comforter. 


2. (SOUND) Birdsong throughout scene 


3. (SOUND) Occasional rumple of blankets 


4. (SOUND) Smoochie


5. SUNNY: You didn’t have to make money to take me out, you know that, right? I’m a doctor. I can afford to take us places. 


6. RITA: I wanted to do something nice for my...you know...whatever we are. Loooovers.


7. (SOUND) Smoochie


8. SUNNY: [giggles] Are we having that conversation? 


9. RITA: What?


10. SUNNY: The “define the relationship” conversation? 


11. RITA: Maybe? If you want to? 


12. SUNNY: Well, we did move in together after only sleeping together once, so at least we’re living up to a sapphic relationship stereotype. I’d say we’re girlfriends?


13. RITA: [grinning] Yeah?!


14. SUNNY: [smiling at Rita] Yeah. [pause] If you wanna be. And personally, I’m okay just being with you, but I know you have a certain...appetite, for things. If you wanted to sleep with other people, I’m really-


15. RITA: Nah. 


16. SUNNY: What?


17. RITA: Nah. I think I just wanna be with you. 


18. SUNNY: Really? Monogamy’s not for everyone. I don’t want you to get roped into something that isn’t for you. 


19. RITA: You are the first person that has slept with me more than once, you know that? 


20. SUNNY: For real?


21. RITA: Yeah. I like it. I think I wanna go steady. 


22. SUNNY: [smiling] Okay. BUT, if anything changes, just talk to me. Alright? I’m an old hippie. I don’t think toxic monogamy is very groovy. 


23. (SOUND) Smoochie


24. RITA: Will do. [pause] And to be clear, I will still keep doing weird shit in my dreamscape. 


25. SUNNY: Oh, I encourage it. You can workshop stuff in the dreamscape and try it out on me later. 


26. NARRATOR: Rita began to look at Sunny the same way she’d look at a bowl of ice cream, or a freshly loaded bowl on a bong. She poofed-


27. (SOUND) Rita BAMF


28. NARRATOR: -reappearing on top of Sunny, their faces mere inches apart. 


29. RITA: I think I’ve got a couple things I’d like to try out right now. 


30. SUNNY: [giggles] Oh? Do you? 


31. RITA: [smiling] Yeah. Do you?


32. SUNNY: [giggles] As fun as that sounds, I’m gonna have to take a rain check. We should get up and get ready for the day. I have to go help the Murphys with funeral arrangements. You can try out whatever you want on me later. 


33. (SOUND) Smoochie 


34. SUNNY: Since I’ve got an immortal girlfriend, we’ve got forever to do whatever new sexy things you want to try. 


35. RITA: I mean, not FOREVER.  


36. SUNNY: [alarmed] What? What does that mean? You’re not going somewhere, are you?


37. RITA: What? No, not right now, I just mean-


38. SUNNY: [deadly serious] Getting attached to humans who I’m going to inevitably have to see get old and die is hard enough. PLEASE don’t tell me we have an expiration date too. I can’t handle that right now. 


39. RITA: [lying] N-No...I just mean, I’m not used to linear time is all. Forever is more of a concept. We experience time differently, I just-


40. SUNNY: [relieved] Oh, I didn’t think about it like that. I forget how old you are sometimes. 


41. RITA: I’ve seen all time at once, it just-


42. (SOUND) Smoochie


43. SUNNY: Babe, it’s okay. It was a miscommunication. I think I’m just a little sensitive about things because of Caoimhe. What matters is that you’re not going anywhere.


44. RITA: [uncomfortable laugh] Yeah. I’m not going anywhere. 


45. (SOUND) Smoochie 




SCENE FOUR: PRESS CONFERENCE: 10AM



1. (SOUND) BUSY ROOM 


2. NARRATOR: Carmilla stood at a podium in a crowded ballroom at the Anatole Hotel. It wasn’t a bad set up, for a last minute press conference. She wore a blue pantsuit, white dress shirt, a red neckerchief, and red pumps. The Texan flag motif was a conscious choice. She had to set the right mood with her crowd. She’d need to have them hanging on her every word. 


3. (SOUND) CAMERAS 


4. (SOUND) MIC TAP


5. (SOUND) TALKING FADES OUT


6. CARMILLA: [southern] Thank ya’ll so much for being here on such short notice. I know we were vague, but I assure you, this will be well worth your time. 


[clears throat] Our world renowned scientists at Sanguis have made huge accomplishments in the field of pharmaceuticals. They’ve done things others thought couldn’t be done. 


Right now, I believe they’ve truly done the impossible. 


I believe so much in what they’re doing, I’ve given them most of my own money, to continue their research. That’s right! I am no longer one of the wealthiest women in the country. I’m not even in the top 50 anymore. THAT, is how much I believe in what they’re doing. 


What is that, you may ask? Well, what if I told you that you could go back to school, and start a new career at 80 years old? Would you just be happy to make it to 80? 


What if I told you that you could live to 150? Not just SURVIVE to 150, but LIVE. Without chronic illness, without joint pain, without degradation of your mental faculties. What would you do for something that could grant you that?


You, over there. In the red blouse.


7. REPORTER 1: Hi, Jennifer Vargas from channel 12. [unconvinced] Are you trying to lead us to believe that you’ve developed some sort of longevity pill already? The Telomere Bill hasn’t passed yet. You can’t do human trials on anything of the sort right now. 


8. CARMILLA: Thank you, Jennifer. That’s right, we haven’t been able to do human trials yet. Our government has stood in the way of progress by not allowing us to conduct these trials on willing human participants. BUT, we have been able to attempt the same in rats. 


Trapper, darling, could you bring out Methuselah?


9. (SOUND) squeaky wheel 


10. NARRATOR: Crawford backed out onto the stage from a curtain in the corner, pulling a cart. Atop the cart, was a cage. Inside of that cage, a lively, white rat ran on a wheel. 


11. CARMILLA: This is Methuselah the rat. Look at her go, running on her little wheel! How old do you think she is? Hmm? 


That’s rhetorical, of course, because I know you’d all undersell her age. As her name would suggest, she’s quite old. Methuselah is 6 years old. 


Now, this may not seem like a huge feat, but the average lifespan for a domesticated rat of her breed is 1.8 years. Why is our little rodent friend so vital at such an old age? She was given our new longevity drug. 


There have been many methods that epigenetic researchers have used to determine one’s biological age, versus their chronological age. That’s how old your cells think they are, versus your actual age. Our longevity experts have created their own testing method, which cross references the DNA methylation measurement of the Horvath Clock, with both telomere length, and gene expression levels. Thanks to their novel measurement of biological age, we’ve determined, with 99.9% accuracy, that our new drug has given our 6 year old Methuselah the current biological age of a 3 month old rat. 


12. (SOUND) Crowd Gasp. 


13. CARMILLA: [pointing at reporter] Uhhh, you. With the red tie.



14. REPORTER 2: Hey, Alex Miller, channel 7. Are you saying that this rat, given your experimental drug, this rat will live to be...uhhh...


15. CARMILLA: 43.2 years? We certainly hope so. Now, this is what the drug does in rats. Rats are not humans. And Methuselah here lives with a tightly controlled environment. We don’t anticipate the results would be quite this extreme in humans. Our researchers have said, conservatively, that they expect it would make 150 years old the new average mortality rate. 


16. REPORTER 2: [alex again] And who would get this new drug? Given the price of other Sanguis meds, opponents to the Telomere Bill have argued that you’d use the price of some longevity drug to make sure only the wealthy lived longer, furthering socioeconomic disparities between classes. 


17. CARMILLA: I regret that the cost of previous Sanguis medication was so high. But the idea that we’d so the same for this longevity drug? That’s just not true. In fact...Oh, I shouldn’t tell you this. [pause] Well, you know what? To hell with it. This drug would make most of the previous pharmaceuticals we produce obsolete. The genetic repair offered by this drug can reverse genetic conditions. It reverses cell damage. It has the potential to make most chronic illnesses a thing of the past. 


And cost of this drug will be a non-issue. I’ve made it very clear, in each closed door meeting, that I intend to find a way to make this drug available, at no monetary cost, to any person who wants it. 


18. (Sound) gasps from crowd.


19. (SOUND) Cameras 


20. REPORTER 1: You mean any American who wants it?


21. CARMILLA: No, I mean any human being who wants it, anywhere in the world. [pause] 


22. (SOUND) gasps from crowd


23. CARMILLA: So, I called you here to encourage your government officials to vote “yes” on the Telomere Bill. We can’t begin saving lives, until the government steps out of the way of science. We have the means to fast track these human trials. We won’t know how long it will extend human life at first. We simply won’t. But we WILL know when it cures someone’s Cystic Fibrosis. We WILL know when someone with Rheumatoid Arthritis is rid of their joint pain forever. And we WILL see the cancer in a cancer patient simply disappear.


24. REPORTER 2: Are you saying this longevity drug is also the cure for cancer? What types of cancer?


25. CARMILLA: ALL cancer. 


26. (SOUND) Reporters excited talking amongst themselves


27. REPORTER 1: [In awe, excited] Wh-what should people be doing right now?  What should we be telling our elected officials? 


28. CARMILLA: Call them. Write to them. Yell at them on the internet. Do NOT stop, until you get what is so very close. Demand the 150 years you deserve. DEMAND that not a single, solitary person should have do die of cancer, ever again. [pause] Welcome, to the new era. Humanity is in for the ride of their lives. 


29. (SOUND) reporters in chaos


30. (SOUND) cameras 


31. (MUSIC) OUTTRO