Grackna the Unending

In this episode, a sexy misunderstanding leads to a knockoff Boyz II Men, evisceration, and Furbies. Dawn has some questions for an impossibly sexy Warlock. Rita eats a bunch of snacks. We know that happens every episode, but that’s really the highlight of the adventure for her. Carmilla and Crawford discuss early 00’s films and the ramifications of cyber bullying. 

Oh, and a giant demoness is summoned directly from the pits of hell, coming face to face with our protagonists. Whoops! Almost forgot to mention that.


P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 13? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!

Cast:
Narrator, Reaper, Bar Fly 2 - Sean Turner @seanwkturner
Dawn, Max - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid
Dax, Kyle -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale
Warlock, Carmilla  - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222
Rita, Lucky Winner, Grackna the Unending - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Special Guest Voice:
Bar Fly 1: Samantha Grierson Schwarz  @samanthagriers3 (twitter) 

Samantha’s Audio Play, “Crocodile”:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/crocodile-the-audio-play/id1549280365
https://www.crabandbull.com/


Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original theme and “LansingPittsburgh”, written and performed by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

http://www.todaysluckywinner.buzzsprout.com
http://www.instagram.com/luckywinnershow
http://www.twitter.com/luckywinnershow
http://www.facebook.com/luckywinnershow

Transcript

Rating Introduction:

1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.

Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 

Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 

Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for 

Previously on

SCENE ONE: DMV TRAINING VIDEO: TIME ??? 

1. (SOUND) VHS cassette 

2. (SOUND) Static 

3. (MUSIC) 80’s/90’s instructional video synth trash

4. (MUSIC) Especially late 80’s guitar lick intro

5. (SOUND) bar ambience 

6. WARLOCK: Whoa! Like, how are you sitting upright? It’s a miracle you even made it to this bar!

7. LUCKY WINNER: What?! What are you talking about?

8. WARLOCK: It must have been hard to get here after you crushed every single bone in your body, you know, after falling from heaven. Like an angel. Cause you’ve got like, you know, one supremely heavenly flesh vessel. 

9. LUCKY WINNER: [bashful giggle] That’s a weird thing to call my body, but I suppose it’s not a red flag. [pause] In any case, I don’t know if my body came from heaven. It’s a loaner. 

10. WARLOCK: You wanna take it out on the open road and see what it can do?

11. LUCKY WINNER: Huh?

12. WARLOCK: I’m asking if you want to go to my place, listen to Boyz II Men, and FREAK. [Really aspirate that “k”, like there’s an “h” at the end.] 

13. LUCKY WINNER: [giggly] Okay.

14. (SOUND) Bar ambient ends 

15. (SOUND)_ Record scratch

16. KYLE: Whoa! Hold the enormous cellular phone! Are you going to let this happen, little reaper?

17. REAPER: What? My Lucky Winner just scored some strange at a bar. Why would I stop that?

18. KYLE: This isn’t just ANY strange they scored. This is a Warlock!

19. REAPER: Whoa! Like, how did you know they’re a Warlock? And why should I be worried? Aren’t witches friends to the DMV? 

20. KYLE: Looks like you need a little lesson on Warlocks, and FAST. Let’s replay this little scene to see what signs you missed. 

21. (SOUND) VCR rewind

22. (SOUND) Remote click

23. KYLE: Okay, so here’s where the Warlock noticed your Lucky Winner. What do you see?

24. REAPER: They were behind the bar, they gave the ole’ elevator eyes to my Lucky Winner’s bodacious bod, and walked over to that barstool beside them. 

25. KYLE: Bingo! They came out from BEHIND the bar. They work here. They probably own the place. The Warlofia, or Warlock Mafia, tend to operate nightlife venues. Doing so gives them the opportunity to have a meeting space for nocturnal creatures they do business with, a place to launder the material wealth they collect, and to serve as a front for their more criminal endeavors. Let’s keep watching. 

26. (SOUND) Remote click

27. (SOUND) Bar ambience 

28. WARLOCK: Whoa! Like, how are you sitting upright? It’s a miracle you even made it to this bar!

29. LUCKY WINNER: What?! What are you talking about?

30. WARLOCK: It must have been hard to get here after you crushed every single bone in your body, you know, after falling from heaven. Like an angel. Cause you’ve got like, you know, one supremely heavenly flesh vessel. 

31. (SOUND) Bar ambience ends

32. (SOUND) Remote click

33. KYLE: And what did you notice here?

34. REAPER: They like pushed the sleeves up on their coat, very Miami Vice, [aside] sick tatt by the way, and turned on the charm for my Lucky Winner. 

35. KYLE: The “sick tatt” you mentioned is your best evidence that they’re a Warlock! That’s the sigil of their patron demon. Don’t worry, there’s a simple list of 9,487                          documented patron demons and their sigils in the back of your reaper manual. Simply memorize this list, while always being on the lookout for new additions to the list, and recognizing a warlock tattoo is easy squeezy. 

36. REAPER: Well, what’s so bad about a warlock wanting to smush booties with my Lucky Winner? Don’t they deserve all the ass they can manage in the year they have on earth?

37. KYLE: Oh, they didn’t want to smush booties with your Lucky Winner’s “heavenly flesh vessel”. They were giving them the elevator eyes for a completely different reason. Let’s fast forward and see what they meant by “FREAK”. 

38. (SOUND) Remote click

39. (SOUND) VHS Fast Forward

40. (MUSIC) NOT Boyz II Men plays

41. LUCKY WINNER: Umm...[uncomfortable laugh] This isn’t Boyz II Men playing. And what’s that smell? I thought you were blindfolding me for sexy reasons?

42. WARLOCK: The DMV couldn’t afford the rights to play Boyz II Men in this training video, so use your imagination and pretend you’re listening to Motownphilly.

43. LUCKY WINNER: But, this is just instrumental. It’s not even the same Mel-

44. WARLOCK: [absolutely bonkers] Mo-town. Phil-eeee.. 

45. LUCKY WINNER: Uhhh...okay? Okay. Ohhh! What incredible harmonies. 

46. WARLOCK: Yes. Their harmonies are sublime. 

47. LUCKY WINNER: Is this what you’re into? I thought we were going to freak? 

48. WARLOCK: No, I said FREAKH, as in the acronym: Free Ragisnag the Endless, Almighty King of Hell. 

49. LUCKY WINNER: Like “freak” with an “h” on the end?

50. WARLOCK: Yes. FREAK-uhhhh.

51. LUCKY WINNER: [done with the sexy stuff, freaked] Alright. Okay. What’s happening here? 

52. WARLOCK: Why don’t I remove the blindfold so you can take a look?

53. LUCKY WINNER: [gasp] Like, what’s with the gnarly stuff written in blood on the floor? Are those someone’s guts?

54. WARLOCK: EN-TRAILSSS. For the SAC-rifice. That’s the sigil for my demon lord Ragisnag. It would have taken over a thousand souls to release him from his debts in hell. Thanks to your temporary vessel, I can free him with just one! And he’ll thank me by giving me enough power to begin my dark work! In a few short years, my Furbies will be in every home in America!!!

55. LUCKY WINNER: [gasp]

56. (SOUND) Remote Click

57. KYLE: I’ll spare you the rest. There’s a lot of chanting and evisceration after that. The knockoff Boyz II Men get’s experimental too. The whole thing is weird. 

58. REAPER: Like, why did he care about a temporary vessel? Why was he giving a demon their soul?

59. KYLE: Let’s start with temporary vessels. The R&D department at the DMV uses proprietary technology to craft the best body for each Lucky Winner. 

60. REAPER: Like a real hot bod?

61. KYLE: They’re all a little hot when they come off of the assembly line! That’s part of the manufacturing process. But no, not in the sense you mean. They craft a body that is similar enough to the Lucky Winner’s original, without being so similar as to draw suspicion. They create a body that respects their Lucky Winner’s identity, so they can focus on enjoying the year, not on being in a temporary vessel that’s not a right fit. 

62. REAPER: So they’re like, tailored to the individual?

63. KYLE: Exactly!

64. REAPER: Then, why would this warlock want it? 

65. KYLE: The warlock cares less about the body, and more about the energy holding it together. 

66. REAPER: [very, extremely ditzy] Whaaat?

67. KYLE: The DMV uses recycled energy to forge these vessels. That energy comes from souls. It takes about 5,000 souls worth of energy to craft one. That’s why reaper chaperones are SO important. When the Lucky Winner’s year is up, that energy gets recycled with them. 

68. REAPER: So he got a variety pack of souls in one person. But why is he giving them to a demon?

69. KYLE: Because, he’s tied HIS soul, to the demon’s. Warlocks enter a blood bond with a demon. 

70. REAPER: So, they’re vampires?

71. KYLE: No, you ignoramus. [pause] Warlocks enter a blood pact with their patron demon of choice. The warlock gains more power, as their patron demon gains power. Their soul is tied to the demonic energy held within their patron. 

72. REAPER: And what do they get out of it?

73. KYLE: The warlock can do spells on a scale up to 10 times stronger than other witches, accessing the demonic energy of their patron. Though, they do lose some of their own soul each time they access this power. They are offered protection from demonic attack, and they have access to some of the darkest magic in existence. They also have the ability to communicate with inhabitants of their patron demon’s dimension. 

74. REAPER: So the demon gets some bits of Warlock soul out of it? Just for letting a warlock borrow their magic? That doesn’t seem worth the trouble. 

75. KYLE: Demonic energy is intoxicating. Most Warlocks end up soulless, accessing this demonic power over and over again, to secure themselves material wealth on earth. And when their own soul is gone, they find other humans to sacrifice instead. This is why the Warlofia exists. They traffic in both magical and earthly wealth. They need a network of warlocks to hide their crimes. 

76. REAPER: Ohh, so the demon gets an entire soul from the warlock, AND whoever the warlock sacrifices once their own soul is gone. 

77. KYLE: Exactly! And these powerful spells are no joke. You remember literally any plague? Carebears? Ronald Regan? 

78. REAPER: Yeah?

79. KYLE: All the product of warlock spells. 

80. REAPER: Gag me with a spoon, those are all some of the most evil things I can think of. 

81. KYLE: CHYeah! [pause] And that’s why you can never, ever, trust a warlock. [pause] At all. [pause] No matter how safe you felt, looking into their warm, brown eyes that spring evening at the Eiffel Tower. 

82. REAPER: What?

83. KYLE: [flustered] Nothing! [pause] Now, get off your tush and pop in cassette #168: Vampires! No, I don’t care how sexy they are, a Reaper should never-

84. (SOUND) Static

85. (SOUND) VCR eject. 

86. (MUSIC) Intro 

SCENE TWO: Dax and Max Bar: About 10:00PM

1. (SOUND) Bar ambient noise

2. DAWN: BUTTHOLE BEAR! BUTTHOLE BEAR!!!

3. DAX: WHAT IS THAT? STOP SCREAMING BUTTHOLE!

4. (SOUND) FOOTSTEPS RUNNING TOWARDS DAWN

5. RITA: [out of breath] Get away from my li’l Buddy, you hot and tasty Warlock motherfucker! 

6. DAX: [under their breath, anxious at Rita yelling “warlock” in the bar] Stop with the magic talk, god damn it. 

7. RITA: What did they do, Dawnie? Did they ask you if you wanted to go listen to Boyz II Men with them and FREAKH?

8. DAWN: What?

9. RITA: DMV training video. That’s code for eviscerate you. [aside to Dawn] Can I stick this partial box of sugar cubes in your bag? I can’t choke them the fuck out while I’m holding this. 

10. DAWN: Yeah, sure. 

11. DAX: “Choke me the fuck out?” What the fuck? [under their breath, hating this] I JUST asked her to go to the back with me so we could talk about magic in private. This is a regular bar. We don’t talk about magic in front of the civilians. 

12. DAWN: Fine, but Rita is coming with me. 

13. DAX: Okay, Rita can come along. And who are you, artificer who screamed “butthole” at me?

14. DAWN: I’m Dawn. 

15. DAX: Dawn and Rita. Okay. I’m Dax. 

16. RITA: Yeah, we know. Let’s get moving. If I hear even a single bar of harmonies from Philadelphia’s sweethearts when we get back there, I’m gonna kick your perfect ass! 

17. (SOUND) The bar ambience should fade out during the narrator’s lines here. 

18. NARRATOR: Dax motioned for them to follow. They lead Dawn and Rita to a swinging door behind the bar, into the keg room.

19. DAX: Just through here. Come on. 

20. NARRATOR: Dawn grew even more anxious. She could barely hear the commotion of the bar anymore. What if something happened to them? Would anyone hear them? 

21. DAWN: You sure are taking us far away from any witnesses. 

22. DAX: Jesus fucking Christ, I’m just taking you to the employee break room. 

23. RITA: Uh-huh, sure. Typical sexy warlock nonsense. 

24. (SOUND) Rita BAMF

25. DAX: [shocked] Whoa! A scythe? [pause] Holy shit, are you a reaper? 

26. RITA: Hell yeah, and you know I keep that motherfuckin’ thang on me. Keep walking, hot stuff. I’m watching you. But, in the sense that you’re dangerous. Not...You know...not in a sexy way. 

27. DAWN: [bluffing] If there’s anything sketchy in that break room, I’m stacked with artificer stuff. 

28. DAX: [chuckle] OKAY. Sure. I bet you have a gun stashed away in your high tops. 

29. RITA: Don’t you sass her! She might!

30. NARRATOR: Dax took them through the keg room to a hollow wood door. There was a pride flag sign, with the  hand lettered words “Break Room” written in silver paint across the center. Dawn felt strangely relieved. Someone wouldn’t lovingly make a sign like this for a room intended for human sacrifice. Right? Hopefully? 

When Dax opened the door, Dawn and Rita saw a small kitchenette. There were cushy vintage couches, much like the ones out front in the bar. There was a large antique table, with boxes of various snack foods littered over the top. 

31. RITA: Okay, I don’t hear any 90’s R&B. We’re safe. Are these snacks for everyone?

32. DAX: Everyone who works here. 

33. RITA: So, my job is to keep Dawn safe, which I’m doing. I’m currently “here”, as you say, so...

34. DAX: [sigh] Take whatever you want. 

35. RITA: Excellent. [aside to Dawn] I don’t know if it’s that they’re hot, or that they’re giving me snacks, but I trust them. 

36. DAWN: [sigh]

37. (SOUND) Rita rustling around with boxes of snacks

38. (SOUND) Rita yummy noises

39. DAX: Okay, I don’t know who you are, or why the fuck you’re here. [pause] Or why you have this neat looking Reaper with you-

40. RITA: [mouth full] Ayyy, thanks chief. 

41. DAX: But I TOLD my family that Max and I were done with this Warlofia shit years ago, before we opened our bar. And what is an artificer doing fucking with this Warlofia stuff? 

42. DAWN: Whoa, I’m not fucking with the Warlofia. I’m trying to figure out why Carmilla Gwyar has been killing all of these witches lately. I want to stop whatever they’re up to. Long story, but I was sort of one of them. 

43. DAX: [pause, taken aback by why she’s here] Really? 

44. DAWN: Yeah. I’m sorry to ask you about Max’s death, but [sigh] I also know that in a parallel timeline, you’re the one who dies. 

45. DAX: What?! 

46. DAWN: Yeah. That’s why I wanted to talk to you. I thought you may have been nearby when he was murdered, since you died in the other timeline. 

47. DAX: [crying] Yeah, [pause] and it should have been me. [sobbing] 

48. (MUSIC) Interstitial 

49. AD REEL 

SCENE THREE: Carmilla’s Penthouse: 10:00PM

1. CARMILLA: [Frustrated scream as she literally flips a fucking coffee table]

2. (SOUND) Coffee table being flipped

3. CARMILLA: We are so FUCKING BEHIND. 

4. CRAWFORD: We’ll get it figured out, Momma. It won’t hurt if it takes us a little longer. 

5. CARMILLA: [furious] I have been working on this, FOR OVER. A CENTURY!

6. CRAWFORD: We finally got that li’l Druid who shot me in the guts!

7. CARMILLA: Yes, and in this other timeline, we got her over 50 years ago. 

8. CRAWFORD: Still! All we got left for the list is an artificer. And we still got nearly a year to get Dawn Menendez! That temporary vessel will be worth it. 

9. CARMILLA: That sneaky shit. I’d kill her even if I didn’t need her for our plan. She shows up in 1968 for less than a day, and she manages to fuck my plan with a chainsaw. 

10. CRAWFORD: We haven’t heard back from Doug, so I don’t quite know where to find her, but I’m working on it. 

11. CARMILLA: Even if you do find her, it’s this human stuff that we’re behind on too. I have only 2/3rds of the funding for this drug as I did before. And somehow, the development of the app that goes along with it is 6 months behind schedule? How is that possible? Apps didn’t even exist in 1968!

12. CRAWFORD: Well, there’s this movie, The Butterfly Effect...Ashton Kutcher is fantastic in it, and I guess Dawn must have stepped on a butter-

13. CARMILLA: Would you SHUT UP about Ashton Kutcher?!

14. CRAWFORD: I’m sorry, I just feel his acting skills are under appreciated.

15. CARMILLA: Of COURSE they are! [pause] But we have more pressing matters. How am I going to get the other 1/3rd of the money I’m lacking? I needed that for bribing politicians. 

16. CRAWFORD: You could release that secret cure for hemophilia Sanguis has been sitting on. 

17. CARMILLA: No, no. There aren’t nearly enough hemophiliacs in the world for that to be profitable. 

18. CRAWFORD: [sigh] I don’t know, Momma. I feel like if people knew what you were working on, they’d just throw the money at you. 

19. CARMILLA: [gasp] That’s it. That’s the answer. 

20. CRAWFORD: Crowdfunding?

21. CARMILLA: No, you half-wit. I can’t Kickstart a new pharmaceutical. 

22. CRAWFORD: Then what’s your idea, Momma?

23. CARMILLA: If I tell the world what we’re working on, people will want it more than anything. They’d kill for it. That’s what this whole plan hinges on in the first place. If I can play this juuuust right, I won’t need to bribe politicians. I can tell the world what we’re working on, and the world will cyber bully them into doing exactly what I want. 

24. CRAWFORD: So what are you gonna do?

25. CARMILLA: Fetch me my phone. Mother needs to schedule a press conference. 

26. (MUSIC) Interstitial 

SCENE FOUR: Dax and Max Bar break room: about 10:00PM

1. NARRATOR: Rita, unmoved by Dax’s tears, continued to massacre the snack table. Dawn stood frozen, unsure of what to do. She didn’t KNOW Dax. Did they want a hug? SHOULD she hug a Warlock? She couldn’t just ignore a crying person. She settled for an awkward pat on the arm. 

2. (SOUND) Dax cries and sniffles 

3. DAWN: [awkwardly] There...you go. [weird noise]

4. RITA: [mouth full] I think she’s having a hard time comforting you because she still thinks you may be evil. She’s generally very good at this. 

5. DAWN: What the fuck is on your face?

6. RITA: Fruit Roll-up! Helloooo, Clarice!!!

7. DAX: [trying to compose themself, still sniffling] I’m sorry, I- You really didn’t come here with some Warlofia garbage? You want to help stop whatever’s happening? 

8. DAWN: We do. I- I’m in a temporary vessel. I’m back on earth for a year. Carmilla Gwyar was going to murder me. 

9. DAX: I may not be in the Warlofia anymore, but I can spot a temporary vessel from a mile away. I didn’t actually NEED to refill the decaf earlier. There are other Warlocks out in the bar tonight, and not all of them share my ethics. I don’t need one of my customers getting eviscerated. It’s bad for business. I was keeping an eye on you.

10. DAWN: [chuckles] Thanks, a clingy bartender is slightly less traumatic than being a human sacrifice. 

11. DAX: But that night...I-I barely remember what happened. We were closing up the bar, and the trash needed to be taken out. We also needed to schedule a social media post for the next day. The bar has a huge social media following, and that’s where most of the support for our community programs comes from. We were arguing about who got to take out the trash. 

12. DAWN: You’d rather take out a bunch of trash than make a social media post? That’s a mood I can get behind. 

13. DAX: We both hated it, because we had to post on so many different platforms. And there was this new app that the bar is part of beta testing, and it keeps bugging out on us. We played “rock, paper, scissors”, to see who got to take out the trash. We both kept picking scissors. Twin problems. We finally flipped a coin. I got to take out the trash. That’s where my memory gets fuzzy. 

14. DAWN: What do you recall?

15. DAX: I walked back in from the back, and...and a short vampire with red, curly hair [voice tremble] I guess that’s Carmilla? -had Max by the neck.

16. DAWN: I’m sorry, I know this has to be hard to talk about. 

17. DAX: [choked up] I’ll be okay. [pause] She...she had him lifted off of the ground. That’s when someone must have come up behind me, and I got hit on the head. 

18. DAWN: I’m so sorry. There’s not anything else you remember? I don’t know what we’re looking for, so any small detail could help. 

19. DAX: I don’t remember, but Max could tell you. 

20. RITA: Noooooo! Please don’t tell me you have a zombie brother somewhere?!

21. DAX: No, we could contact him in the heavenly dimension he was assigned to. 

22. RITA: How is he in a heavenly dimension? Wouldn’t his soul be with Ambrogio? Or your patron demon?

23. DAX: Oh, Carmilla didn’t eat him. 

24. DAWN: Wait, Carmilla didn’t eat him? She ate a Druid friend of ours. Why would she eat her if that wasn’t what she needed her for?

25. RITA: Revenge. The three of us fucked up her plan in the 60’s. Carmilla just did it to be cruel. Just to fuck with us.

26. DAWN: Well, it’s working. I’m sufficiently fucked up. 

27. DAX: I’m so sorry. I’d be broken if that happened to my brother. If ya’ll are down for it, we can contact Max. [pause] There’s just ONE thing. 

28. DAWN: What? 

29. DAX: We have to call my patron demon to help us. 

30. RITA: No no no no! I’m cool with the minions, but the spooky demon lords freak me the FUCK out. They’re so spooky! And they’re always like “Verily! Doth fetch me mine souls, you petulant worm!” [pause] Nope. I don’t want to do it, and Dawn certainly won’t want to do it either. 

31. DAWN: Let’s make a call to hell. 

32. RITA: Okay, what the fuck?

33. NARRATOR: Dawn followed Dax out of the break room, and to a stairwell around the back of the bar. Rita was close behind, clutching her scythe with one hand. In her other hand, she held a bag of powdered donuts she had pilfered from the break room. She poured them directly from the bag, into her gaping maw, as though they were a beverage. Powdered sugar was just- It was just everywhere. Dax pulled out their keys at the top of the stairwell, and unlocked the door to their apartment above the bar. 

34. DAX: Sorry it’s a little messy. Max was the tidy one. 

35. NARRATOR: They walked in to a cozy, eclectic living room. Everything looked as though it were purchased secondhand, but carefully curated. The twins had clearly decorated the bar themselves. More paintings, in the same style as the portraits in the bar, filled the gallery walls. Dawn could see that Dax shared her affinity for a “clothes chair”. She looked in awe at an L-shaped desk in the corner.

36. DAWN: Holy shit, this gaming rig is incredible. And there are two of them? You and Max used to play stuff together, huh?

37. DAX: Pretty much anytime we had a second away from the bar. 

38. DAWN: What did you play?

39. DAX: Mostly MMOs, so we could play together.

40. RITA: Ugh, Jesus. There are two of you now. 

41. DAWN: I played MMO’s too! I haven’t since the whole dying thing.

42. RITA: Hi! Hey! I’m out of powdered donuts, and as it were, out of patience. Let’s get this three way phone call over with. 

43. NARRATOR: Dax lead them into a bedroom. It must have been theirs. The walls were covered in paintings, and there was an easel in the corner, showcasing a half finished portrait. 

44. DAWN: Hold on, did you do all the portraits in the bar and in your living room?

45. DAX: Oh, yeah. That’s a commission. I need to finish that. 

46. DAWN: You’re incredible.

47. RITA: Hi! They’re still a soulless Warlock! Who cares if they paint? Hitler painted too!

48. DAX: Okay, maybe let’s not compare me to Hitler, alright? And, as if it were ANY of your business, I have my ENTIRE soul intact, thank you. 

49. RITA: [taken aback] What? For serious?

50. DAX: For serious. Now, if you’ll step off of that rug, we can call Grackna the Unending. She can explain it all. 

51. NARRATOR: Dax rolled up the thick, wool rug that occupied the space beside their bed. Beneath it, on the wood floor, was a demonic sigil painted in blue. They pulled five candles out of a drawer in their dresser, lit them, and placed them around the circle. They procured a small baggie of purple powder, chanted a few words in a language Dawn couldn’t identify, and blew a handful of the powder over the sigil. Then, they took an ornate dagger from a shelf. They gave the dagger to Dawn, handle first. 

52. DAX: Okay, I hate to ask this, but I’m gonna need some blood from you. Take your time and-

53. NARRATOR: Panicked, and ignoring concerns of how unsanitary the dagger must be, Dawn impulsively sliced the palm of her hand. 

54. RITA: WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK?!

55. DAX: WHY DID YOU CUT YOUR PALM LIKE THAT?!

56. DAWN: [confused, embarrassed] I- you needed blood, and I-

57. RITA: Don’t you, I DON’T KNOW, plan on HOLDING things at all in the next week? 

58. DAX: [gently] You’ve never had to use blood for a spell before, huh?

59. DAWN: [embarrased] No, I-I’m kind of new at this.

60. DAX: [smiling, trying to switch gears and make Dawn less embarrassed] Well, next time you need to, we typically just give a little poke to the meatiest part of our forearms. Much less a pain than a palm. [pause] May I?

61. NARRATOR: Dax gestured at Dawn’s palm, and she offered it to them. They pulled a small, bronze goblet from a shelf, and let Dawn’s hand drip into it. They set the goblet in the middle of the sigil, and pulled a bandana from their back pocket. They placed it on Dawn’s hand. 

62. DAX: When we’re done here, I’ve got a first aid kit back in the bar. Using a dagger isn’t exactly sanitary.

63. DAWN: [grinning] Yeah. That’d be great. Thanks. 

64. RITA: Okay, what do we do now? The hokey pokey? 

65. DAX: Nope. This is the easy part. 

66. NARRATOR: Dax stood in front of the sigil, and Dawn backed up until she was standing next to Rita. Rita looped her arm around Dawn’s. If shit went south, she wanted to be prepared to poof them both out of there. Dax began to yell.

67. DAX: Grackna! Hey! GRACKNA THE UNENDING! Get over here!

68. NARRATOR: The apartment trembled, and the blue sigil began to glow. A small cyclone of sand poured out of the goblet, and it grew larger as it spun. 

69. DAX: [aside to Dawn] Sorry, she’s usually a little faster than this. [annoyed] OH MY GOD, GRACKNA! WHAT IF THIS HAD BEEN AN EMERGENCY?!

70. NARRATOR: A large figure took shape, as the cyclone dissipated. A spectral image of a 7 foot tall, red, scaly demon appeared in the middle of the sigil. The demon had a bat-like face and wings. They were holding a glass of, what appeared to be, white wine. 

71. GRACKNA: Oh, sugar! I’m so sorry that took me a sec. I wan’t expecting you until the full moon, and I was in the middle of book club and- Oh! Dax baby, who are your new friends?!

72. DAX: Hey Gracks, sorry to interrupt. These nice ladies are trying to get info on Max’s murder. They want to figure out why these witches are being killed, and if we can talk to Max, maybe they can find a common thread in the murders. 

73. GRACKNA: OH! That’s fantastic! You want us to call Max together, then? I can do that baby. I don’t know what those vampires are up to, but it’s sure causing a ruckus down here. Anything I can do to help stop it, I’m glad to help. 

74. RITA: Hey, with all due respect, why the fuck is this demon such a nice lady? 

75. GRACKNA: [slightly annoyed] Why are you covered in cocaine?

76. RITA: Oh, oh hell. This is powdered sugar. Some donuts got away from me. 

77. GRACKNA: Oh, I can’t resist those little things!

78. DAX: Not all demons care about hoarding souls. Grackna is- I guess you could say she’s the demon version of anti-capitalist. 

79. GRACKNA: These king of hell types don’t need all those souls! You know we don’t need to keep them, right? There’s only an energy discrepancy because the big wigs steal from other dimensions. I just need help taking care of my family, on occasion. 

80. DAWN: How does that work, then? You still use Dax’s soul to do things?

81. DAX: I choose to help her when she needs something. My soul is still my own. It’s my magic and my labor, both of which come from my soul. I help her out. 

82. GRACKNA: If I need something, I can call Dax to help me work a little magic. And my little baby cakes here can call me whenever they need help too. There’s no reason to have currency in hell. 

84. RITA: It’s like inter dimensional mutual aid?

85. DAX: Exactly. Not all demons are evil, ya’ll. It’s not that black and white. It’s not their fault they were born in hell. Everyone makes choices to do good or bad. 

86. GRACKNA: Alright, let me put down my wine flavored beverage, and we’ll call your brother in heaven. 

87. DAWN: Wine flavored beverage?

88. GRACKNA: It’s hell, kiddo. I can’t get real wine down here without doing something ethically dubious. So my book club drinks this beverage that is not legally allowed to call itself “wine”. 

89. RITA: What’s it taste like?

90. GRACKNA: Gasoline and artificial grape flavoring. Get’s you fucked up all the same. 

91. DAX: Ready Gracks? 

92. GRACKNA: Ready, baby. 

93. (SOUND) Thunder crack in narration. 

94. NARRATOR: Grackna outstretched her spectral, taloned hand to Dax. Dax offered theirs in kind, reaching past the perimeter of the sigil. A blue glow emanated from where their hands clasped. The flames on the candles around the circle grew. Grackna and Dax closed their eyes, and with a crack of thunder, a celestial Max appeared inside of the sigil next to Grackna.  

95. MAX: Hey twin, what’s poppin’?

96. GRACKNA: Oh, baby! You look great! Heaven suits you. 

97. DAX: [a little choked up] Hey, maxi pad. 

98. MAX: I’m dead, and you’re still gonna call me that?

99. DAX: Still your sibling. [pause] I hate to ask you this, but these ladies here need to ask you some questions a about your murder. They’re trying to figure out why all these witches are being murdered. 

100. MAX: Oh! Absolutely, I’d love to- [pause] I’d be glad to- [pause]. I’m sorry, hold on. 

101. NARRATOR: The celestial Max looked over his shoulder, as if his attention were being called from elsewhere. He put on a forced smile, and nodded. 

102. MAX: [to someone in heaven, out of scene, in a tone like he’s talking to a child] Uh-huh! VERY cool, Carrie! Give me just a minute, and you can show me the rest of your cool stunts, okay?

103. GRACKNA: I’m sorry kiddo, were we interrupting something? 

104. MAX: [aside to those in the room] You’re good. I’ve been jumping on this trampoline with Carrie Fisher, and she wanted to show me her backflip. I don’t have the heart to tell her that this is heaven, and I’m pretty sure we can all do backflips. 

105. RITA: Holy shit, do you want to get back to hanging out with Carrie Fisher?!

106. MAX: Nah, she’ll be fine. She’s got Bowie keeping her company. [pause] So whatcha wanna ask me?

107. DAWN: What are the last moments you remember?

108. MAX: I don’t know. I remember putting my phone down after I finished posting for the bar. Dax had come back in to grab some more trash bags, and they walked back outside to the dumpster. Next thing I knew, this little red headed vampire chick had me by the throat. 

After she grabbed me, some country ass vampire guy threw some red dust on the floor of the bar, and a huge sigil for Ambrogio appeared. The vampire carried me over to the middle of it. 

109. RITA: Then what happened? 

110. MAX: The country guy handed her a knife, and she pointed it at my throat. She looked me in the eyes and said “You’re gonna help me end it all.” That’s when she started to carve out my vocal cords. 

111. RITA: Jesus fucking Christ. Is that the last thing you recall?

112. MAX: The last thing I remember her muttering was, “I’m finally going to be done. I can stop feeding him. Just a little bit longer.” 

113. RITA: Hold on, she thinks she can just stop feeding souls to Ambrogio?

114. MAX: I don’t know what my vocal cords had to do with it, but yeah. 

115. RITA: That also explains why she came to get your body at the morgue, Dawn. What artificer part was she trying to get? And Caoimhe’s head was pretty beat up when she was murdered. Maybe the injuries hid something they took from her?

116. DAWN: Fuck. Okay. I have a lot to think about. [pause] Max, Dax, Grackna: Thank you so much for your time. I think we have enough to go on. 

117. GRACKNA: Anytime you need help sticking it to some rich asshole like Ambrogio, you get Dax here to give me a call. I’m happy to help. 

118. MAX: Yeah, and if I can help at all too, please let me know. 

119. NARRATOR: Max, Dax, and Grackna said their goodbyes, and ended the spell. Dax exhaled, as they processed what just happened. 

120. DAX: Okay, ya’ll head back down to the bar. I’ll take care of the cut on your hand. I had a couple things here I think may help you out. I’m gonna take a look, and I’ll be down in a sec. 

121. DAWN: Sure thing. See you in a sec. 

122. NARRATOR: Dawn and Rita left the apartment and headed back down to the bar. As they walked back in, two disgruntled bar occupants glared at Rita.

123. BARFLY 1: There she is! There’s the bitch that sold me the sugar cubes. 

123. RITA: [nervous] Haaaa...yes? Back for more?

124. BARFLY 2: We both ate one 30 minutes ago, and we don’t feel anything!

125. RITA: Ummm...okay? It’s a sugar cube. 

126. BARFLY 1: You told us there was LSD in these!

127. DAWN: Rita, are you fucking kidding me? 

128. RITA: I absolutely did not. I told you I recommend eating them, looking up slime videos, and listening to Animal Collective.

129. BARFLY 2: Why would we pay $10 a piece for a sugar cube if they didn’t have drugs in them? 

130. RITA: I don’t know! You’re hypoglycemic? Why would I DO or sell drugs in such an upstanding establishment as this. 

131. BARFLY 1: You’re literally covered in cocaine right now. 

132. RITA: This is powdered sugar, you absolute AMATEUR! I bet I could sell you fake coke too, huh?

133. BARFLY 2: So you admit you tried to sell us fake drugs?

134. DAWN: [anxious] Ritaaa!

135. RITA: [aside to Dawn] You’re about to be really mad at me, but you’ll thank me in a little bit. [to bar patrons] Whelp. Looks like I got caught. 

136. BARFLY 1: Yeah, no shit. 

137. RITA: Are you ready to catch?

138. BARFLY 1: What? Catch what?

139. RITA: Catch these hands, MOTHERFUCKER! 

140. (SOUND) FACE PUNCH

141. RITA: BAR FIGGGGHT!!!! 

142. (SOUND) BAR IN CHAOS

143. (MUSIC) OUTTRO