Sluts for Socialism

Diane, It’s 11:30 PM in Rita’s Dreamscape. The gals are entering the town of Twink Peaks.  They see an old misogynist get an ass whoopin’, some dude’s butthole, and we take a brief detour to Australia. Rita begins a new business venture. Will she become a #girlboss? Dawn follows up on a dead witch lead, crossing paths with the Warlofia. Hold on, Warlofia? Like the Warlock Mafia? They do NOT call it that.


P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 12? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!

Cast:
Narrator, Australian 2 - Sean Turner @seanwkturner
Dawn - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid
Dax, Angry Man -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale
Sunny, Handy, Rider  - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222
Rita, Sorceress, Audrey, Hog Lady, Australian 1  - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson


Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original theme and music, written and performed by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Transcript

Rating Introduction:

1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.

Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 

Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 

Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for 

Previously on

SCENE ONE: Rita’s Dreamscape: Night time.

1. (SOUND) Body fall

2. (Music) “Twink Peaks” music plays

3. DAWN: Ouch! Where the fu- Oh, god damn it. I’m in Rita’s sexscape again?

4. (SOUND) Muffled, inaudible talking. Should sound giggly and sexy

5. (SOUND) footsteps

6. (SOUND) Music gets closer as Dawn walks through hallway

7. NARRATOR: Dawn walked down the infinite hallway, following the sound of the voices and music. She passed door after door. A glass door that said “US Postal Service” ? That didn’t seem right. A huge metal door that said “DANGER, NUCLEAR WASTE”? That probably wasn’t it either. Yikes! A door to a bathroom stall, with clown shoes poking out underneath? 

8. (SOUND) Clown nose 

9. NARRATOR: Even if that was the correct door, Dawn wasn’t going to subject herself to seeing whatever that clown was doing. Aha! This one seemed promising. The music and voices were concentrated behind a frosted glass door that said “Double D Diner”. Vague silhouettes swayed and milled around on the other side. 

10. DAWN: Rita? Are you there?

11. (SOUND) knock

12. DAWN: Please come out. There’s no way in hell I’m opening this door. I don’t need to see another classic film star in nipple clamps. 

13. (SOUND) Knock

14. DAWN: [frustrated sigh] RITA!

15. (SOUND) Muffled talking stops

16. (SOUND) footsteps walking towards door

17. (SOUND) Door opening

18. RITA: Oh! Hey Lil’ Buddy! What are you doing here?

19. DAWN: How the hell am I supposed to know? It’s not like I come here on purpose. 

20. RITA: Well, come on in! You want some coffee?

21. DAWN: No way! I’m not going behind one of your weird sex doors. 

22. RITA: There’s nothing sexy going on in here right now. I’m just enjoying coffee with some friends at this diner, while we wait on our cherry pie order. 

23. DAWN: [intrigued, peeking behind door] Oh, this is really just some early 90’s diner? [pause] Why does it look familiar?

24. RITA: No reason! Come, have a seat. Oh, If anyone here asks, my name is Agent Dale Cocker. 

25. DAWN: [confused] Ooooookay.

26. NARRATOR: Dawn slid into a booth next to Rita. Across from her sat a tall man in tan police garb. He was a childlike innocence about him, with a receding hairline, and a tuft of unruly brown hair at the top of his head. Across from Rita sat an old woman in a beige cardigan, holding a porcelain pig. Opposite their booth, a young woman in a wool skirt and Oxford shoes swayed to the music in front of a juke box. 

27. RITA: Deputy Handy, this is my friend...uhh...Gordon Hole. 

28. DAWN: What? You hate cops. Why are you having coffee with one?

29. RITA: He’s a fictional cop. Go with it. 

30. HANDY: Nice to meet you, Mr. Hole. I’m deputy Handy Breedin. Have you come to Twink Peaks to help us solve Paula’s murder too?

31. DAWN: Murder? Twink what? [aside to Rita] I thought you said we were just here for pie.

32. RITA: Uh-huh, we are. [to Handy] Mr. Hole is a special agent too. He’s just hard of hearing. [pause] Now where is Norma with our pie? 

33. DAWN: [looking at Hog Lady, puts hand out to shake hers] And what’s your name? Rit-I mean, Agent Dale Cocker didn’t introduce us. That porcelain pig is cool. Do you-

34. HOG LADY: My hog and I don’t shake hands, and we aren’t looking to make new friends. 

35. DAWN: [taken aback] OKAY! Fuck me then, I guess.

36. RITA: [gasp] No! No, Dawn! That’s the trigger phrase! WHY DID YOU SAY THAT?

37. DAWN: This dream lady is rude! What’s her prob- Hold on, “trigger phrase”? 

38. RITA: [quiet] Shh!! Don’t make any sudden movements, and slowly walk to the door. 

39. DAWN: All I said was “Fuck me then, I guess.”

40. RITA: Nooo!!! Don’t repeat it!

41. NARRATOR: The young woman in front of the jukebox perked up hearing Dawns words. She walked over to the booth. 

42. AUDREY HORNY: [so extremely horny] Hi, my name is Audrey Horny. Did you say you needed someone to FUCK YOU?

43. DAWN: Uhhh...Rita?

44. RITA: [gravely serious] run

45. DAWN: What’s happening?!

46. HANDY: Agent Cocker, I know you had Sheriff Big-one pegged to help you on this murder case, but...uh...I had a question. 

47. RITA: [sigh, knowing what he’s going to say] Yes, Handy.

48. HANDY: Could you peg me instead?

49. (SOUND) Pants unzipping, pants coming down

50. (SOUND) music gets louder

51. DAWN: [disgusted noises] That’s a butthole! Why did I see his butthole?!

52. RITA: YOU SAID THE TRIGGER PHRASE. RUN!

53. (SOUND) Footsteps running on linoleum 

54. HOG LADY: Audrey Horny? My hog has something to tell you. 

55. AUDREY HORNY: Yeah?

56. HOG LADY: LET’S FUCK!

57. (SOUND) Makeout noises

58. RITA: Oh, that HAS to be a health code violation. 

59. (SOUND) Door opening

60. DAWN: Are you coming?!

61. RITA: I COULD be, here in a sec, if you’d leave. [tongue click] Lookin’ good, Deputy Cock.

62. DAWN: RITA!

63. RITA: Fine! Let me see if I can get our cherry pie to-go. [pause] Hey, could we get- WHOA! Norma! That wasn’t the kind of pie I was talking about!

64. DAWN: GET THE FUCK OVER HERE!

65. RITA: FINE!

66. (SOUND) Footsteps on linoleum

67. (SOUND) Door open/close

68. (SOUND) labored breathing from Rita and Dawn

69. DAWN: I thought you said that wasn’t a sex door!

70. RITA: I said there wasn’t anything sexy going on “right now”. I genuinely just wanted pie and coffee, but YOU said the trigger phrase to put them into porn parody mode. 

71. DAWN: YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THERE WAS A TRIGGER PHRASE.

72. RITA: HOW WAS I TO KNOW YOU’D SAY “FUCK ME THEN, I GUESS?!” 

73. (SOUND) ceramic breaking

74. NARRATOR: The crash of a ceramic bowl on the door behind them pulled Dawn and Rita out of their argument, and made them aware of their present surroundings. They had left the Double D Diner through the same door Dawn entered, but it hadn’t taken them back in the Infinite Hallway. Instead, they found themselves in an ancient looking, round home, with a thatched roof. Pelts and simple, handmade furniture decorated the single room. Before them, a large, angry man stared at a terrified woman. Underneath a table hid a little boy, who could have been no more than 5 years old.

75. HUSBAND: Can’t you do anything a woman is meant to do, you wretched cow?!

76. RITA: Oh, god damn it! Has my dreamscape been hijacked in order to show you another old timely vignette about toxic masculinity?

77. DAWN: That would explain why I’m here. 

78. (MUSIC) Intro

SCENE TWO: Dreamscape/old Celtic house: Night Time

1. HUSBAND: You foul bitch! I should just tell them you’re a witch, and let them burn you! I come home from trading for us, and you haven’t fixed me a morsel of food?!

2. DAWN: Is the Rider showing us something again?

3, RITA: Yay, they’re showing us verbal abuse. Thanks for that. I could have been have been at a coke fueled diner orgy right now. 

4. DAWN: SHUT. UP. 

5. SORCERESS: Please, we hadn’t enough food. I haven’t eaten either. I made sure Geoffrey here could fill his belly. Please. 

6. HUSBAND: That little imbecile can starve for all I care! He ain’t a normal child. The fairy folk left us a changeling instead of a son. It’d be putting him out of his misery. Why don’t you use your dark Magick to fix the little shit. 

7. RITA: Yay, let’s add ableism to the list. Why are they showing us this terrible shit?

8. DAWN: Shhhh, let’s keep watching. 

9. SORCERESS: [angry] There’s nothing wrong with him! He is MY SON. He’s just quiet, and he’s a gentle boy. HE’S A HELL OF A LOT MORE HUMAN THAN HIS FATHER!

10. HUSBAND: Don’t you yell at me, you fucking cu-

11. (SOUND) three slow knocks

12. HUSBAND: That’s probably one of the chieftains,  wondering why my wife is shrieking at all hours of the night. You shut up while I talk to him. 

13. (SOUND) Old door opens

14. NARRATOR: When the man opened the door, Dawn and Rita instantly recognized the short, hooded figure that stood before him. Their face still obscured, The Rider stood in the doorway. They held their broadsword in their right hand, and their left was still aloft from knocking. 

15. HUSBAND: Well who the hell are you, little one? [laughs] Only way you could be the chieftain was if someone cut his legs off at the knees! [laugh]

16. (SOUND) Sword noise

17. (SOUND) Sword stab

18. (SOUND) Body fall

19. (SOUND) Woman shriek

20. NARRATOR: In one swift motion, the Rider was in the house. They leapt onto the man like a jumping spider, and they ran their broadsword through his shoulder. Overcome with his new injury, the surprise, and the weight of the Rider, the man toppled onto the ground. The Rider had him pinned, both with their body, and their sword. 

21. (SOUND) Husband hurt, angry 

22. RIDER: You intended to kill this woman tonight, and her son. 

23. HUSBAND: [pained] How are you so strong? What are you?

24. RIDER: You don’t get to ask me questions. You intended to kill them both tonight. You were going to blame it on bandits. You intended to rough yourself up to make it look as though you had been in a fight. You want to be free of the sorceress you made your bride, and your child.

25. HUSBAND: No, I- I’d never. You-

26. RIDER: That wasn’t a question. I’ve seen it. You merely used the shortage of food as an excuse to carry out this escape plan you’ve had. 

27. HUSBAND: [crying] What are you?

28. RIDER: I am the one to bring balance. As long as evil men kill and subjugate women, I will be there to kill and subjugate evil men. Patriarchy will die by my hand, and tonight, you will die by hers. 

29. NARRATOR: The Rider lifted their left hand from the man’s neck, and pointed at the sorceress without ever looking her direction. 

30. SORCERESS: Me? I- Are you a demon? I am a sorceress, but I don’t deal in that kind of Magick. 

31. RIDER: I am no demon, witch. I am something else entirely. The celestial powers have sent me to recruit you. This man will continue to become enamored with women, torment them, and move on to the next. He will do this his whole life. If you do not kill him, he will kill you, your son, and do the same to the next woman he traps. 

32. SORCERESS: Recruit me?

33. RIDER: Recruit you. To use your magic for a higher purpose. In tandem with others like you. First, you must kill this bringer of death. 

34. HUSBAND: [pained] I’ll bring you death, you fuckin-

35. (SOUND) skin slap

36. RIDER: Did he tell you where he procured all these new things he brought home? The cattle? The furs?

37. SORCERESS: He- he t-t-trades for them. 

38. RIDER: In a sense. This time, he traded the lives of a family of six for all the material possessions he could strap onto his horse. 

39. SORCERESS: He-he didn’t. 

40. RIDER: One of the children was you’re son’s age. His name was Brian. 

41. SORCERESS: [resolute] How should I kill him?

42. RIDER: However you see fit. Make sure your son doesn’t see. I will be back tomorrow evening to see that the job is done. 

43. NARRATOR: The Rider turned their head to face Dawn and Rita. All they could see was a bright red glow from under the Rider’s hood. They may not have had a face, but Dawn could feel them looking directly at her. 

44. RIDER: Kill the oppressor, Dawn. When that’s done, your real work can begin. 

45. DAWN: [gasp, waking up] [heavy, scared breathing] 

46. NARRATOR: Dawn woke up. She opened her eyes, and briefly forgot where she was. This was Sunny’s house. They lived with Sunny now. This was the guest room, which was now her room. She was safe. 

47. (SOUND) Door opening

48. RITA: [stage whisper] Lil’ Buddy?

49. DAWN: [stage whisper, tries not to wake Sunny in next room] Rita?

50. RITA: Can I come in here with you? That dream was spooky, and Sunny is literally dead while she’s asleep. It’s unsettling. 

51. DAWN: Do you have pants on?

52. RITA: Yes. 

53. DAWN: Come on in.

54. RITA: Yay!

55. (SOUND) bed springs creaking 

56. DAWN: [sigh] You’re topless.

57. RITA: Uh-huh?

58. DAWN: I guess that’s on me for not asking if you had a shirt on. 

59. RITA: Whatever. Free the nip. Now, shush! I’m gonna try to go back to sleep.

60. DAWN: Why? You don’t need to sleep?

61. RITA: I’m gonna see if I can make it back to Twink Peaks in time for some cocaine and group sex. Night-Night, buddy!

62. DAWN: [sigh] Night-night, Rita. 

63. (MUSIC) Interstitial 

(AD REEL)

SCENE THREE: Sunny’s House, breakfast table: 9:00AM

1. (SOUND) Cabinet door opening

2. RITA: Baby, can I take these sugar cubes off your hands? You don’t like, take your blood with cream and sugar sometimes?

3. SUNNY: [trying not to sound sad] Ya’ll live here too now, you don’t have to ask to use things. Besides, I kept those in the pantry for Caoimhe. 

4. DAWN: Thanks so much for letting us stay with you. I’m so sorry we’re invading your personal space while you’re grieving over Caoimhe. 

5. SUNNY: No, I’m happy you’re here. It would have been terrible to be alone right now. Sorry I got home so late. I went to the morgue after I was done helping the Murphy’s

6. DAWN: You should have woken us up! I feel bad you didn’t have anyone to talk to after the day you had. 

7. SUNNY: Nah, I was pooped. And Rita was mumbling in her sleep about cherry pie and someone named “Sheriff Cock” [chuckles], so I didn’t want to ruin whatever she had going on in her little dreamscape. 

8. RITA: I’ll tell you ALL about it later, it’s actually REALLY funny. 

9. DAWN: You feel like telling us what you know about Caoimhe’s murder? 

10. SUNNY: The official reports say that she fell reaching for something in her house, smacked her head on the corner of a table, and bled out. Keegan found her when he went to pick her up for physical therapy. 

11. DAWN: Unofficially?

12. SUNNY: I snuck into her house to look before the cleaning crew got there. I smelled the blood on the floor. It wasn’t hers. They put someone else’s blood at the scene to make it look like an accident, and they took hers. 

13. RITA: And I’m guessing that the other druids haven’t been able to contact her in the Otherworld?

14. SUNNY: [a little choked up] No. She isn’t there. [pause] Her soul is in hell with FUCKING AMBROGIO. [crying] 

15. RITA: Oh, my Sunshine. [hugs Sunny] 

16. SUNNY: [crying]

17. (SOUND) Kiss on head

18. RITA: Baby, you need to call in at work and say you’ll be out for the rest of the week. You need to get out of your work clothes and into your jammies, and you need to let yourself have the next few days to do nothing but grieve.

19. DAWN: She’s right. 

20. SUNNY: [composing herself some] What if I can get more information at work? What if I can help? I have to go in today. 

21. RITA: Information will still be there when you get back. Put your oxygen mask on first. You can’t help anyone else with theirs if you’re gasping for air. 

22. SUNNY: [chuckles through tears] I don’t need to breathe, you ding dong. [gestures at herself] Vampire. 

23. RITA: [chuckles, feigned relief] Oh, thank god. Dawn! Did you hear that? [tickling Sunny] Her sass still works! SHE WILL RECOVER! LORDT GOD, SHE SHALL OVERCOME!

24. SUNNY: [still sniffle, giggles at being tickled] 

25. DAWN: [chuckles because she low-key thinks they’re being cute] Praise vampire Jesus!

26. (SOUND) All three laughing, laughter dies down

27. RITA: But you know what I mean, Sunny. You have to take care of yourself.

28. SUNNY: [sigh] Yeah, yeah I know. I’m gonna go call into work for the week, and take a bubble bath. 

29. RITA: Is this an alone activity?

30. SUNNY: Yeah, pretty sure I don’t need your help to call into work.

31. RITA: I-uh..I mean-

32. SUNNY: [suggestive] But maybe I need some help with my self care in the bubble bath.

33. RITA: Oh, fuck yes. I’d love to watch you take care of yourself in a bubble bath. 

34. DAWN: [grossed out noise] If the promise of sex is what it takes for you to bathe regularly, maybe I can learn to live with your 24/7 horndog talk. It’s preferable to reaper stink I’ve been living with. [laughs] 

35. RITA: Hey!

36. SUNNY: [laughs] Take your time and finish your coffee. I’ll be on the phone with work for a little while. 

37. (SOUND) Sunny walking away

38. (SOUND) Rita takes a sip of coffee

39. RITA: [dreamy sigh] I get to live with her. She likes me, and I get to live with her. Did you see the present she got me?

40. DAWN: Would that be your new shirt? “Sluts for Socialism”.

41. RITA: Yeah! She said she saw it in the window of that sex shop in South Dallas, The Phallus Palace. She said she figured she owed me a shirt, since I tore up my last one trying to save her life. This one reminded her of me. 

42. DAWN: I feel so bad for her right now. She lost someone important. I miss Caoimhe, and I only knew her for a few days. 

43. RITA: You must be going through it now too, though. How are you doing with the fact that you’ve wasted the past couple of weeks assuming Carmilla had you killed, when it was actually some otherworldly entity you have no information about?

44. DAWN: Not good, thanks. Great of you to put my situation in to such sensitive terms. That doesn’t make this task feel completely insurmountable at all. 

45. RITA: Yeah, you’re welcome. There’s also the fact that your apartment is under demon surveillance, and you raged out and shot the head off of a lizard demon.

46. DAWN: Yeah, that was a mess. Good thing the DMV paid for that place, and we could just pack up the important stuff and ditch it. That security deposit is gone. [pause] By the way, what did you do with Doug’s body last night?

47. RITA: Opened a poof. Yeeted the bitch. 

48. DAWN: Where did you throw him?! You just threw a headless lizard demon into a poof?

49. RITA: Yeah. Australia.

50. DAWN: RITA. He turned back into a lizard when I shot him! 

51. RITA: Yeah? He’ll blend in. 

52. DAWN: HE WAS NEARLY AS TALL AS YOU. 

53. (SOUND) Nature sounds

54. AUSSIE 1: No, so since I’m moving to Melbourne next month-

55. (SOUND) BAMF

56. (SOUND) Lizard demon falls to ground

57. AUSSIE 1: Crikey! What the hell is that?

58. (SOUND) Footsteps in grass

59. AUSSIE 2: Looks like a headless lizard. 

60. (SOUND) Footsteps in grass

61. AUSSIE 1: He’s a big bloke, ain’t he? 

62. AUSSIE 2: Nah, I’ve seen bigger cunts than this one. Never seen them in trousers and a shirt before.

63. AUSSIE 1: Where do you suppose he got them?

64. AUSSIE: Who knows. We should just leave him here and let nature do it’s thing. I reckon the rest of the body will be scavenged by morning. 

65. AUSSIE 1: Trousers and all?

66. AUSSIE 2: Defo, trousers and all. 

67. AUSSIE 1: You want another glass of wine?

68. AUSSIE 2: Yeah. Why not?

69. (SOUND) NATURE SOUNDS STOP

70. DAWN: Fine! I guess I don’t have time to worry about lizard demon bodies in Australia. 

71. RITA: So what are you going to do now that you know Sanguis didn’t have you murdered? 

72. DAWN: Whatever Carmilla is up to, it has to be connected to why I died. It can’t be a coincidence that something else killed me before she could. We have to figure out what she’s sacrificing all these witches for. And the Rider was talking about killing my oppressor. The only one who fits the bill there is Carmilla. 

73. RITA: What are we gonna do next, then?

74. DAWN: We’re looking at the dead witch list from the other timeline. Caoimhe had done a little research on them before she died. She had written “Warlock” with an angry face doodle next to this name. Dax Rigoletti. Turns out, Dax is actually still alive in this new timeline. 

75. RITA: Noooo! Dawn! Warlocks are bad news! They work WITH demons. They may try to use your temporary vessel for a spell. Not to mention the Warlofia!

76. DAWN: The what now? 

77. RITA: The Warlock Mafia. Warlofia. 

78. DAWN: People do NOT call it the Warlofia. You made that up.

79. RITA: Swear on my nips, they call it the Warlofia. 

80. DAWN: Whatever. I found this Warlock on social media. Apparently, they’re kind of a big deal. 

81. RITA: Oh! Hot damn. Dax Rigoletti. Pronouns, they/them. Owner of Dax and Max bar in Deep Ellum. Puppy Parent. Pisces. Pizza Purveyor. They are FINE AS HELL. And they like alliteration. 

82. DAWN: It’s not my business, but is Sunny under the impression you’re exclusive? 

83. RITA: We haven’t had that discussion yet, but I’m not interested in seeing anyone else right now. But it’s just an empirical fact that this Dax person is a 10/10 hottie. Look at this picture!

84. NARRATOR: Rita scrolled to a picture of Dax sitting on an barstool. They had on a tailored, cerulean blue suit. Their shoes were black patent Chelsea boots. Their white shirt beneath the suit was unbuttoned nearly to their navel. They had an undercut, and the rest of their wavy, lavender hair was nestled in a perfectly messy top knot on the crown of their head. On the stool next to them, sat someone who must have been their sibling, given their nearly identical, symmetrical faces. The sibling was dressed in a similar suit, but in black. They looked like the goth edition of their colorful counterpart. 

85. DAWN: [a little surprised she likes looking at them] Yeah, they are sure nice to look at.

86. RITA: Oh! She CAN see when someone is hot. Okay. 

87. DAWN: Who is this with them?

88. RITA: Hmmm...Lemme look at the caption. “It is with the deepest of sorrow that we must announce the passing of Max Rigoletti. Max was half of the soul of this bar. Six years ago, he and his twin sibling Dax wanted to create a safe, queer friendly social club in Deep Ellum. They wanted the establishment to operate as a queer community center during the day and a place for celebration at night. We are so glad that Max got to see his dream become a reality before he passed, and we know he was grateful for all the folks he got to know here over the years. Dax has asked that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to Max’s favorite charity for houseless LGBTQIA youth, Dallas Hope Charities.”

89. DAWN: Oh no. What do you want to bet that in the other timeline, Max is the one who survived?

90. RITA: Do you think Dax was there when Max was murdered? 

91. DAWN: Fuck. Maybe? This picture was posted 4 months ago. Do you think they’re back to work at the bar now?

92. RITA: We could go find out.

93. DAWN: Yeah, I think we should go find out. How do I broach that subject with them?

94.. RITA: Pshhh...hell if I know. WAIT, hold on. [pause] Did you bring the freaky eyeball necklace when we ditched the old place?

95. DAWN: Yeah. I think it’s still in a duffel bag in the ice cream truck. 

96. RITA: You should wear that. It seems like some witches know about The Workshop. Maybe Dax will recognize it, and they’ll broach the subject themself. 

97. DAWN: That’s a good idea. I’ll go grab it in a sec. 

98. RITA: And since we’ll be at a bar, maybe I can make some cash.

99. DAWN: How? Why? Please tell me it isn’t through legally questionable methods. 

100. RITA: Oh, it’s all VERY above board. I will be selling this box of sugar cubes for FAR more than was paid for it. And my Sunshine is sad. I should like to take her out to do something nice, but I do not have money. Hence, my new business venture.

101. DAWN: Like 1/4th of those cubes are gone. Who wants to buy an opened box of sugar cubes?

102. RITA: [evil laugh] Ohhhh, Dawn. Oh, you shriveled little turnip. You complete tater tot...

103. DAWN: What?

104. RITA: I’ll be selling them individually, you fool. You 2 week old bowl of cabbage soup. 

105. DAWN: Why are you trying to insult me by calling me food?

106. RITA: Everything else feels too harsh. 

107. (SOUND) Bathtub running in the other room. 

108. RITA: [gasp] That’s my cue!

109. (SOUND) Chair being pushed out

110. (SOUND) Boots being thrown on the floor

111. DAWN: You know, you can wait to get undressed until you get in the BATHROOM

112. (SOUND) Pants unzipping

113. RITA: Time is of the essence!!!!

114. DAWN: No it’s not! 

115. (SOUND) Pants being thrown on floor

116. DAWN: [grossed out, hollering to Rita down the hall] Cool! That’s your ass. Between your boobs last night, and your ass now, I’m seeing the whole set. 

117. RITA: [in the distance] You’re welcome! 

118. (SOUND) Bathroom door opens

119. (SOUND) Tub gets louder

120. RITA: [In the distance] You started without me! [pause] You will be punished. 

121. (SOUND) Splash in the distance

122. SUNNY: [Giggly shriek, Rita has pounced her in the tub] 

123. DAWN: [sigh] Glad I packed my noise canceling headphones. 

124. (MUSIC) Interstitial

SCENE FOUR: Dax and Max Bar: 8:30PM

1. (SOUND) Bar ambient sounds

2. NARRATOR: Dawn and Rita paid an exorbitant amount to park the ice cream truck in a minuscule spot in Deep Ellum, and they walked 8 blocks to Dax and Max bar. Most of the queer oriented night life was in Uptown, and they were made for partying. Dawn had ventured to one once in college. It was her only clubbing experience. Her dorm-mates got plastered within minutes, and she didn’t want to drink. She ended up leaving at 10:30, eating some $2 hot dogs at the lesbian bar next door, and calling a taxi. Dax and Max felt different. If other bars felt like this, maybe she’d actually have gone to them before she died. 

This bar didn’t have the same, homogenous, industrial aesthetic that all the overpriced hipster bars in the area had. It was warm and inviting. There were vintage couches and chairs scattered around. None of the barstools matched. The walls were plastered with pictures from queer bars throughout history; and scattered amongst the photos where enormous, colorful paintings of queer trailblazers, like Marsha P Johnson, Silvia Rivera, and Audre Lorde. There was a coffee bar in the corner with a chalk sign that read “Free to Designated Drivers!” Dawn made a beeline for the free coffee. 

3. RITA: Where are you going?! 

4. DAWN: Free coffee!

5. RITA: GOD, you are a dork. Well, me and my box of sugar cubes are gonna work the room. See you in a little. Don’t let anyone from the Warlofia do a murder on you while I’m conducting business. 

6. DAWN: Stop calling it that! That can’t be real!

7. RITA: If anyone gives you trouble, just scream “BUTTHOLE BEAR” as loud as you can. 

8. DAWN: How is that helpful?

9. RITA: Well, you GUESSED my trigger phrase in my dreamscape. I need to get better at my code words. I’m trying to pick a “HELP” phrase that one of the people here won’t accidentally say. I figured the chances are slim that someone is going to scream “BUTTHOLE BEAR”. [pause] Although, this IS a gay bar. 

10. DAWN: Butthole Bear is fine. I’ll yell if I need you. 

11. NARRATOR: Dawn poured herself a cup of coffee from a massive dispenser. She noticed the small pitcher that said “Oat Milk”. Well, la-de-dah, she thought. This warlock is really pulling through with the non dairy milk options. As she stirred sugar into her cup of coffee, someone with a fresh coffee dispenser came to switch out the decaf. 

12. DAX: Oh, did you want decaf? That one’s been here for a while. You could get a fresh cup. 

13. DAWN: Oh, no thanks. This is regular. Decaf seems like a waste of-

14. NARRATOR: The person turned around. They had lavender hair, an undercut, and a messy bun. It was Dax. They flashed a huge, toothpaste commercial smile at Dawn. 

15. DAX: Yeah, decaf seems like a waste. I want to be so caffeinated, I can smell colors. 

16. NARRATOR: Dawn grew anxious. She wasn’t prepared to see Dax yet! She had JUST walked in. She hadn’t gotten the opportunity to rehearse this conversation approximately 200 times, like she did for most social interactions. She mindlessly fiddled with her eyeball necklace while she thought of what to say next. Where the fuck had Rita gone? 

17. DAX: [tone change, pointed] So, you wanna tell me what you’re doing here?

18. DAWN: Oh, uhh...me and my friend just came to-

19. DAX: Oh, you have a friend? Is it another artificer? I should get a count on how many of you are here. 

20. DAWN: What? 

21. DAX: The necklace. 

22. DAWN: Oh yeah, I’m wearing the necklace. That DID work. 

23. DAX: Are you two coming to keep an eye on the Warlofia? 

24. DAWN: Shit, ya’ll really do call it the Warlofia? 

25. DAX: Yep, and Warlofia business gets handled in the back. [pause] [intense] You’re coming with me. 

26. DAWN: BUTTHOLE BEAR! BUTTHOLE BEAR!

27. (MUSIC) OUTTRO