Sweet God, Not My Cloaca!

  The Oxford Dictionary defines the cloaca as “ A common cavity at the end of the digestive tract for the release of both excretory and genital products in vertebrates (except most mammals) and certain invertebrates. Specifically, the cloaca is present in birds, reptiles, amphibians, most fish, and monotremes.”

     Now that we have the important stuff out of the way: The gals are back in the 21st century! What did they change? What does this new timeline look like? Rita is concerned as to whether or not the Baja Blast still exists. A new and exciting convention is coming to DFW! Dawn makes a big ole’ mess, and definitely loses the security deposit on her apartment.

P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 11? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!

Cast:
Narrator, Lukas - Sean Turner @seanwkturner
Dawn - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid
Doug -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale
Sunny  - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222
Rita, Sabine - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Special Guest Star from CtrlAltCrit:
Caoimhe Murphy - Autumn Potts @littleinkpots, @CtrlAltCrit

More from them at  http://www.ctrlaltcrit.com

Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

The Mourning Meeting Episode with Brianne
https://anchor.fm/mandi-zucker/episodes/Reading--Writing-and-Staying-Alive-Life-Threatening-Illnesses-in-College-eqcfkg

Original theme music written and performed by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Email: Luckywinnershow@gmail.com

Transcript

Rating Introduction:

1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.

Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 

Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 

Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for 

Previously on

SCENE ONE: Sunny’s House: About 9:00AM

1. NARRATOR: Light poured through the sheer curtains that dressed the bay window in Sunny’s living room. Dawn sat in an armchair sipping coffee, while the smell of cinnamon rolls wafted in from the kitchen. She had slept nearly 12 hours in the comfort of Sunny’s guest room. She’d had a strange dream about a howler monkey, but apart from that, she’d slept like a stoned baby. 

2. (SOUND) Smooch on cheek

3. SUNNY: More coffee?

4. RITA: Yes please...but I’m gonna need a little sugar. 

5. SUNNY: Oh, okay. Let me grab that for- [Rita has goosed her booty] Oh! [giggles] I don’t know if you can fit my ass in your coffee mug.

6. RITA: Nah, but that ass fits perfectly on-

7. DAWN: Stop! Stop it! I can hear you!

8. RITA: Yeah, I’m aware. 

9. SUNNY: [embarrassed] Sorry, Dawn. 

10. DAWN: Hey, Sunny?

11. SUNNY: Yeah. 

12. DAWN: Not that I’m not appreciative, but how come you have a guest room, [pause] and a coffee maker, [pause] the supplies to make cinnamon rolls, [pause] and a mug that I’m now hoping has never been used to hold human blood?

13. SUNNY: That mug is strictly for human beverages. And I don’t mean beverages made of humans. As for the rest, I have someone coming over in a sec who can help explain it all a little better than I can. 

14. RITA: I’m sure glad we saved you. Well, you did die, but, you know. You didn’t have to die in some freaky vampire ceremony. 

15. SUNNY: I didn’t die in a freaky vampire ceremony in the other timeline. I found out later that the ceremony was intended for Caoimhe, and the future Sanguis execs. 

16. DAWN: What happened in the old timeline?

17. SUNNY: In the old timeline, I lived on the commune for 4 months, suffering through Crawford’s constant advances. 

18. RITA: Gross. 

19. DAWN: He waited 4 months to turn you?

20. SUNNY: Yep. He caught me fooling around with a new recruit in the barn, and he flew off the handle. 

21. RITA: Then he turned you? 

22. SUNNY: THEN he locked me in the cellar of the farmhouse for 3 weeks, sending commune members to toss food down for me, to see if I’d changed my mind about being a lesbian, or something. I guess?

23. RITA: I could spend 300 years in a cellar, and it wouldn’t put me off of gay sex.

24. SUNNY: Right?

25. DAWN: What happened after the three weeks?

26. SUNNY: He came down to see if anything had changed about my feelings toward him, and I told him he just made me gayer. 

27. RITA: Ha! Burn. 

28. SUNNY: Then, he turned me. He seemed to think that being a vampire would make me like him? Maybe not all men, but at least him? I don’t know what unhinged, straight guy logic he was using. I turned, and he tried to get me eat the woman he had caught me making out with. 

29. DAWN: Then what?

30. SUNNY: Then, I broke his nose and ran away. It took me a few decades to get on my feet. I had to break into funeral homes and morgues to get blood, but I made it. I didn’t manage to finish medical school until 2016 in that timeline. 

31. RITA: I’m sorry you have to live with that memory. 

32. SUNNY: Thanks to ya’ll, it’s like it happened to someone else, or like I watched a movie about it. I remember it, but you’ve turned the volume down on that memory. Instead of that, I have the memory of you two beating yourselves up about trying to save me. I can remember how confident you both were that I was stronger than anything being a vampire could throw at me. 

33. DAWN: You heard that?

34. SUNNY: Yep. 

35. RITA: You heard ALL of that?

36. SUNNY: [smiling, remembering what Rita said] Every word.

37. (SOUND) Sunny smooches Rita 

38, (SOUND) Knock on door

39. SUNNY: And there’s the person who can explain what happened to me after the vampire blood started working, and I actually died. [walking to door] 

40. (SOUND) Door Opening 

41. NARRATOR: Standing in the doorway was a elderly woman with stark white hair, pulled back into a long braid that draped over her shoulder. In her left hand, she held a well worn, reusable shoppping bag. In her right hand, was a familiar, gnarled walking stick. 

42. CAOIMHE: Sunny! It’s so good to see you. I’m so sorry I didn’t get to make the delivery last time. My hip was acting up. This is for you. 

[these two are hugging like family] 

43. SUNNY: That’s alright! I was glad to get to see Patrick and the kids. Siobhan is getting so tall! How’s your hip today? You need to take a seat?

44. DAWN: Caoimhe?!

45. CAOIMHE: Dawn! I knew you’d look the same, but it’s strange nonetheless. 

46. (SOUND) Pulling out dining room chair 

47. CAOIMHE: [settling into chair] And Rita, you’re wearing the robe I gave Sunny two Christmases ago, which tells me the two of you finally did the “horizontal mambo”

48. RITA: [tongue click, finger guns] Some of it was vertical. 

49. DAWN: Okay. Hold on. Sunny, you two have stayed close friends this whole time. 

50. SUNNY: Yes. 

51. DAWN: And are you not tempted to eat her? It’s been over 50 years. I thought you tried not to get close to humans for fear of, you know, murdering them. 

52. CAOIMHE: You hadn’t told them yet?

53. SUNNY: I was waiting on you. [pause] Coffee?

54. CAOIMHE: Yes, thank you. [pause] Well, after listening to the two of you talk about Sunny in the barn, I could piece together that she was a vampire who didn’t kill. I’d never heard of anyone strong enough to do that before. I had to help her.

55. DAWN: What did you do?

56. CAOIMHE: Well, she wasn’t going to turn into a vampire fast enough for us to get the hell out of that cult. The blood spell would be worn off, and they’d be looking for humans to eat. And I knew Sunny would be hungry as all get out when she woke up. So, I contacted the otherworld for help. 

57. DAWN: What happened?

58. CAOIMHE: My ancestors taught me how to open a portal to the nearest Grove of Druids. That landed me in the storage room of a garden supply store in Dallas. 

59. RITA: A garden supply store?

60. CAOIMHE: The local Druid grove operated under the guise of a mushroom foraging club that met at the garden store. One of their Ovates owned the place. 

61. DAWN: Then what happened?

62. CAOIMHE: Unfortunately, Sunny had to be locked up until I could convince them that she wouldn’t be trouble. Quite frankly, I wasn’t entirely convinced myself. I was taking a leap of faith. They did their own divinations and found that to be true. They donated their own blood to feed her.

63. RITA: You don’t have to drink the jungle juice at the morgue anymore? You get to drink human blood like a normal person...er, normal vampire. 

64. SUNNY: Yep! That’s what’s in this bag. Caoimhe and her family deliver me blood from local druids every week. 

65. DAWN: But your eyes aren’t red.

66. RITA: Because she still hasn’t killed anyone. This was given consensually, and doesn’t hurt anybody. 

67. SUNNY: Bingo. [pause] They did even more than give me their blood. They knew I’d still live with the impulse to kill, and I’d get very lonely. 

68. CAOIMHE: The grove and I contacted the otherworld and came up with a plan. 

69. DAWN: Wait, Sunny, do you not have the impulse to eat humans anymore?

70. SUNNY: Oh, I definitely still do. Medical school was a nightmare. 

71. CAOIMHE: Sunny was strong enough to keep her soul and not kill humans, in your original timeline. The other druids and I came to the same conclusion, in our talks with the otherworld. You and Rita saved my life that day, the least I could do is help someone you both cared about in return. We came up with a spell. 

72. RITA: What does the spell do?

73. CAOIMHE: It’s a blood spell. Not the warlock-y kind, but a binding spell. Sunny is bound to me as a sister. 

74. SUNNY: And the spell keeps me from seeing her as food. My vampire nose registers her smell as a fellow vampire. 

75. DAWN: That’s great! So this time around, you at least had a friend. 

76. SUNNY: I had way more than that. 

77. RITA: Oh no, is she a sexy friend? Am I the other woman? [pause] Were you two looking for a third? I’m not complaining, I’ve had a three way with a septuagenarian before. Two of them, actually! I’d be more than happy to-

78. SUNNY: [laugh] No, relax.

79. (SOUND) Kiss on cheek 

80. CAOIMHE: I was worried, when I got pregnant some years later, that my dear friend Sunny wouldn’t be able to see my son. But, as it turns out, the blood spell applies to my family as well. 

81. RITA: So you can chill with any of the Murphy’s here without wanting to do a murder on them?

82. SUNNY: Yep. [pause] I had a family this time around. And it’s all thanks to the two of you being there to help Caoimhe. 

83. NARRATOR: Sunny walked over to her coffee table, and pulled out a large photo album from beneath a stack of poetry books. She sat it on the table in front of Rita and Dawn. She turned to an early page. There was a picture of Sunny holding a newborn. From Sunny’s clothes, Dawn inferred that it was the early 70’s. 

84. (SOUND) Book on table

85. (SOUND) leafing through album 

86. CAOIMHE: Oh! Would you look at that! There’s Sunny with my oldest, Patrick. He was such a little thing. He came a month early. 

87. SUNNY: You see the hat he’s wearing? I knit that. I finally got to meet one of the babies I knit a hat for. 

88. CAOIMHE: And I still have every single thing she knit for my kids. 

89. DAWN: Oh, Sunny. That’s wonderful. 

90. NARRATOR: Dawn flipped through the album. She found a picture of Sunny in front of a Christmas tree. She sat on the floor, with a little boy in her lap. He couldn’t have been much older than 6. She looked like she’d been tickling him when the photo was taken. Her fangs were out, and she smiled as she seemed to be telegraphing a feigned attempt to bite him. The little boy’s face was so joyous, Dawn could almost hear him giggling through the picture. 

91. SUNNY: It was hard to fight impulses, when I had nothing to lose. This time, having the Murphy’s be my family, I had people who needed me. I couldn’t let them down. It’s a lot easier to make good choices, when you have motivation outside of yourself. 

92. NARRATOR: Dawn flipped to the portion of the album that seemed to be from the mid-80’s. Sunny stood in a cap and gown, with Caoimhe, and three children who were the spitting image of their mom. It was Sunny’s medical school graduation. 

93. CAOIMHE: None of the people in that picture would be here, without you two. I have four grandkids. They wouldn’t be here either. If you ever need anything, Dawn, I’m here to help. Without question. 

94. RITA: Say, Dawnie. Do you think this counts towards you not going to hell? Or do you think the fact that we altered the timeline and blackmailed Kyle cancels it out?

95. DAWN: Fuck, I hadn’t thought about that. 

96. CAOIMHE: Well, I have some news that may help you solve your murder. [pause] Sunny filled me in on your situation. It’s kind of odd that you just left that out when we met. 

97. DAWN: Sorry, it didn’t seem pertinent to the immediate threat of a vampire cult. 

98. SUNNY: Caoimhe seems to think it’s entirely pertinent. 

99. CAOIMHE: Hmm...how can I explain this in a way that isn’t condescending and insulting?

100. RITA: Say it the insulting way! I bet it’ll be funny. 

101. DAWN: Thanks. 

102. CAOIMHE: I just mean that I know you don’t know a lot about being a witch, and I don’t know how much I need to spell things out for you. 

103. DAWN: [sigh] Just spell it out as though I were a toddler. I might as well be one, when it comes to this witchy bullshit. 

104. CAOIMHE: Okay, so there are many types of witches.

105. DAWN: Uh-huh.

106. CAOIMHE: Alchemists, Warlocks, Sorcerers, Druids, and Artificers. There are less common ones, like necromancers, enchanters, diviners. 

107. DAWN: Okay?

108. CAOIMHE: Most of us, except those shifty little warlocks, use our power to maintain balance in this dimension. That’s why so many of us hunt vampires. They create a cosmic imbalance, by pulling souls out of their natural cycle. Whenever they do that, more energy from hell dimensions gets funneled here, to prevent the dimensions from trying to balance themselves. 

109. DAWN: How do they balance themselves?

110. CAOIMHE: Well, it’s never actually happened, but it’s largely suspected that the walls of two imbalanced dimensions would tear. They’d make a new dimension, that houses two old ones. For balance. Like a combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. 

111. RITA: Oh! Let’s do that!

112. CAOIMHE: Not literally a combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. Just humans being massacred by roving bands of hungry demons. 

113. RITA: Would there still be a single establishment where I might procure both a pizza and a Baja blast?

114. CAOIMHE: No. 

115. RITA: How about just a Baja Blast?

116. CAOIMHE: There would be no more Baja Blast. Baja Blast would be gone.

117. RITA: [gasp]

118. DAWN: Rita, people would die. Why are you worried about a Baja Blast?

119. RITA: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Humanity peaked with the Baja Blast. If there’s no more of that delicious blue stuff, life wouldn’t be worth living. 

120. SUNNY: I think Caoimhe was trying to relay some important information. 

121. RITA: Fine.

122. SUNNY: [quieter to Rita] If you can let them talk, we’ll go buy you a Baja Blast later, AND [inaudibly whispering in Rita’s ear: and maybe I do that thing that thing you liked so much again.]

123. RITA: [horny giggle] Hell yeah, that thing you did last night that made me screech like a howler monkey? This is my kind of quiet game. 

124. DAWN: That was you?! I didn’t dream about a howler monkey?

125. RITA: Yeah! Did you know that vampire strength INCLUDES their tongues? She did this thing where-

126. DAWN: Gross! No!

127. SUNNY: [faux reprimand] Ritaaa.

128. CAOIMHE: ANYWAY, as I was saying. 

129. DAWN: Please, continue.

130. CAOIMHE: All witches share a belief in the sanctity of balance. We try to maintain it. The problem is, we never work together. We all use our own specialties, and we rarely talk to those outside of our specialty. 

131. DAWN: But, I thought you and my grandma were friends. 

132. CAOIMHE: We were. Your grandma was different. She thought that if we all worked together, for once, maybe keeping balance would be easier. Maybe we could eliminate the vampires entirely, and be free to use magic to help solve human problems, like hunger and houseless ness. Us younger witches, in the 60’s, liked her ideas. The older ones in our specialties did not. 

133. DAWN: So do you all work together now?

134. CAOIMHE: That’s the thing. After the barn, we started being hunted. All of us. The vampires started hunting us. 

135. DAWN: Oh no, I did this. 

136. CAOIMHE: No, from what I’ve learned, this happened in the other timeline too.

137. DAWN: Then, what happened?

138. CAOIMHE: We all retreated from the idea of working together entirely. We were all worried about protecting ourselves. Your family moved the workshop. From what I understand, it’s in some pocket dimension now. I never saw your grandmother again. 

139. DAWN: So what does this mean?

140. CAOIMHE: We’re all good at protecting ourselves, in our own ways. We’ve managed to evade them for over 50 years. But, something changed in the last few months. They’ve been picking us off. That list of strange deaths that Sunny gave you, they ARE all witches. 

141. DAWN: What changed?

142. CAOIMHE: Well, hell. I don’t know! You’re the young one now. That’s for you to figure out. 

143. SUNNY: Speaking of you being old, you’d better get home, Caoimhe. 

144. CAOIMHE: What? Why? 

145. SUNNY: You need to get home and eat before your afternoon meds. And you have to go to physical therapy for your hip at 2. 

146. CAOIMHE: Oh, fiddle. My hip is fine. 

147. SUNNY: It hurts so much after physical therapy, you can’t even drive home. 

148. CAOIMHE: And if I don’t do the physical therapy, I can still drive!

149. SUNNY: I guess you don’t want your grandson to take you to physical therapy and then out for ice cream?

150. CAOIMHE: [reconsidering] Oh, it is Keegan’s week to take me. I guess I can’t miss that. 

151. SUNNY: You should message him and let him know you’re on your way home. 

152. CAOIMHE: Now which doo-hickey on my phone do I message him with?

153. SUNNY: He’s been using this new app lately. Remember? I downloaded it for you. I made you a folder labeled “Keegan”. 

154. CAOIMHE: That says Keegan? Well, shit. I’d been ignoring that folder because I thought it said “vegan”, and you were trying to convert me again. 

155. (SOUND) Kiss on cheek

156. SUNNY: [laughs] That’s another folder. And I AM trying to convert you. Your cholesterol is out of control. 

157. CAOIMHE: Psssshhh. Well, I’ll get going. [to Dawn] If you need my help with ANYTHING, give me a call. 

158. DAWN: Thanks. 

159. (SOUND) Door open

160. (SOUND) Old lady footsteps walking away

161. SUNNY: [yelling out the door to Caoimhe] There’s a vegan restaurant finder app in that folder. Go get vegan ice cream!

162. CAOIMHE: [disgruntled old lady noise from a distance]

163. SUNNY: Your CHOLESTEROL, Caoimhe!

164. (SOUND) Door close

165. DAWN: Well, we should get back to my place and figure out what we’re gonna do next.

166. SUNNY: Yeah, about that. 

167. DAWN: What?

168. SUNNY: When I broke in to get you clothes, someone had broken in before me. 

169. (MUSIC) Interstitial 

SCENE TWO: Radio commercial: Ride to apartment around 1:00PM

1. (SOUND) Static

2. (MUSIC) Shitty EDM

3. SABINE: Hallo, und wie geht’s, Dallas!

4. LUKAS: That means, “Howdy, Ya’ll,” to you Texans!

5. LUKAS AND SABINE: [canned laughter]

6. SABINE: I am Sabine Weiß.

7. LUKAS: Und I am her other half, Lukas Weiß.

8. SABINE: You may know us by our social media handle, SchnukiFitFamilie.

9. LUKAS: Are you a personal trainer, Reiki practitioner, life coach, or other wellness personality with a social media platform?

10. SABINE: We want to invite you to the first annual, FitFluencer convention, happening next month, in Fort Worth!

11. LUKAS: Learn how to grow your platform, maximize ad revenues, and convince people of your credentials!

12. SABINE: Be among the first Americans to gain access to the NEW social media platform we’ve helped develop. 

13. LUKAS: Take classes from some of the biggest Fitness Influencers around!

14. SABINE: Classes include: “How to sell people tea that makes them poop, with Aura Ignacio.”

15. LUKAS: “Telling people there is something wrong with their vaginas, with Gwondlin Smeltrew.”

16. SABINE: “Telling people that you think your neurodivergent child is a burden, while selling essential oils, with Kybree-Anne Mellancamp.” 

17. LUKAS: “und The carnivore diet, why real men eat only meat, and why vegetables are for beta-cucks, with yours truly!”

18. SABINE: und many, many more!

19. LUKAS: Tickets are only $580 dollars for a weekend pass. 

20. SABINE: Get yours now at FitFluencerFortWorth.biz. 

21. (SOUND) Static

Scene Three: Dawn’s Apartment: about 2:00PM

1. (SOUND) Book being thrown 

2. NARRATOR: Sunny dropped Dawn and Rita off at the impound lot on her way to work. The ice cream truck had been impounded when the security guard at Lone Star Digital Assets noticed it was missing a parking pass. $300 poorer, a sullen Dawn drove to her apartment. When she opened her disconcertingly unlocked door, she found her apartment to be missing some things. Some important things. 

3. DAWN: FUCK!

4. RITA: Easy, Lil’ Buddy. I know it’s a bummer. 

5. DAWN: Bummer? BUMMER? THEY TOOK MY COMPUTER.

6. RITA: You still have your laptop! Good thing you take it with you everywhere like a fuckin’ dork. 

7. DAWN: THEY TOOK THE STEAMER TRUNK.

8. RITA: Yeah, but you still have the fugly eyeball necklace. They can’t get it open without it. 

9. DAWN: That’s where the instructions on finding The Workshop were!!!

10. RITA: Hey!!! Hold on. [reaching behind couch] I yeeted that empty, barf covered book over here the other day. Remember? It had your name on it. Then, we found Cabroncita, and I forgot it existed-[struggling to get it]- because guns are cooler than books. Got it!

11. (SOUND) Dawn tossing stuff

12. DAWN: [unimpressed] Wonderful. An embossed journal. That will save me. 

13. RITA: Are you going to be in one of these moods?

14. DAWN: What moods?

15. RITA: “Oh noooo, a minor inconvenience and my life is ruined!”

16. DAWN: Minor inconvenience?? THIS WAS A LEAD ON MY MURDER! MY APARTMENT HAS BEEN RANSACKED. 

17. RITA: We still have the dead witch list! We can follow that lead!

18. DAWN: THEY’VE BEEN IN MY HOME, WE CAN’T STAY HERE!

19. RITA: We can live in the FUH-KING ICE CREAM TRUCK, LIKE SHAGGY AND SCOOBY. 

20. DAWN: I am NOT going to be cooped up in a TRUCK with you for the rest of the-

21. (SOUND) Stuff falling over in the next room

22. DAWN: [gasp]

23. RITA: [gasp]

24. DAWN: What the fuck was that?!

25. RITA: Hello? 

[pause]  

26. RITA: Cool. It’s nothing! Let’s leave. 

27. DAWN: [quietly] There’s clearly someone here. 

28. (SOUND) Shotgun cock

29. RITA: [quietly] Oh, how grotesquely Texan of you. What if the home intruder is a human?

30. (SOUND) Hiss in the other room

31. RITA: Or like just some big ass cat. 

32. DAWN: [quietly] It’s CLEARLY not human. Get out your scythe. 

33. (SOUND) Rita BAMF

34. RITA: Fineee.

35. DAWN: It sounds like it’s in my bedroom. 

36. NARRATOR: Dawn and Rita crept slowly down the short hallway in her apartment. When they reached her bedroom door at the end, Dawn could hear movement inside. Rita clutched her scythe with both hands, and nodded to Dawn. She nodded in return and kicked open the door. She looked around. She didn’t see anything. What had they just heard?

37. DAWN: What? There’s nobody here. 

38. RITA: Uhhh, Lil’ buddy? Pretend you’re my height and look again. 

39. NARRATOR: Dawn looked up to see a man in khaki pants and an olive green polo shirt crawling on her bedroom ceiling. He stared at them, unblinking. Suddenly, a long tongue whipped out of his mouth, hitting the opposite corner of the ceiling. 

40. (SOUND) whip noise

41. DAWN: What the FUCK?!

42. RITA: Cool!

43. DOUG: [scared] Before you kill me...Did you know this apartment building has a termite infestation? I was just trying to help you out. 

44. DAWN: Rita, why the hell is some Jake from State Farm looking motherfucker eating termites on my ceiling. 

45. RITA: Lizard demon. Your basic minion. They get used for surveillance, a lot, cause of the...you know. The whole crawling on ceilings thing. And they can blend into their surroundings like a chameleon, usually. 

46. DAWN: Why does this one look like an accountant?

47. DOUG: Hey! “This one,” is named Doug. I didn’t expect you two to actually be here. I got peckish, and then your yelling in there really spooked me! I knocked that picture off the wall, and I’m just frazzled as heck. So here I am, eating termites on your ceiling, stuck in my human disguise. [chuckles] 

48. RITA: What are your pronouns, Douglas?

49. DOUG: Oh, goodness, he/him! Thank you so much for asking. [take aback at how polite he assumes Rita is being.] You know, they said you two were dangerous, but you seem like really nice ladies. Why don’t I just scoot, and I’ll tell the folks at Sanguis I didn’t see anything?

50. RITA: Oh, Doug. That was just basic decency on my part. I’m not the monster, here. I wanted to make sure I could be as accurate as possible when I tell Dawn here to SHOOT HIM IN THE LEG. 

51. DAWN: WHAT?

52. RITA: SHOOT HIM IN THE LEG!

53. (SOUND) MAGIC GUN

54. (SOUND) Screech

55. (SOUND) Hiss

56. NARRATOR: Dawn aimed Cabroncita, and shot at Doug’s leg. She hit it! She was really getting better at this gunslinging business. Her shot landed at the back of his left knee. To her disgust, everything below that knee fell off of Doug, and onto the floor. In shock from the pain, Doug came tumbling down from the ceiling a split second later. When his leg hit the ground, it was no longer human. The amputated limb looked like it belonged to a giant, mutant gecko. 

57. DOUG: [in pain] My leg! What in the heck! I thought  you were nice ladies?!

58. (SOUND) slap

59. RITA: You thought wrong, lizard boy!

60. DAWN: He...It’s...he has a lizard leg. 

61. RITA: He has a whole lizard body. He’s just in disguise. He dropped that limb as a defense mechanism. That way, a more powerful minion can monch on his leg while he hobbles away. But he’s in shock right now. He’s not going to be able to run for a while. 

62. DOUG: Wha-What are you going to do to me?

63. DAWN: Rita is going to clear all my clothes off of that chair in the corner of my room, and we’re going to tie you up with the string lights from behind my bed. 

64. RITA: Yeah, that won’t cut it. 

65. DAWN: AND DUCT TAPE! WE HAVE A SHIT TON OF DUCT TAPE!

66. (SOUND) Duct tape 

67. NARRATOR: Rita cleared the massive pile of wrinkled laundry off of Dawn’s clothes chair. They grabbed Doug from the floor, and carried him over to the chair. Dawn paced around her bedroom, trying to think of what they should ask their prisoner. Rita began using massive amounts of duct tape to secure their scaly intruder. After she was confident in the amount of duct tape she’d used, she gingerly wrapped the string lights around him, and plugged them in. Rita figured it wouldn’t hurt to have nice lighting for their interrogation. 

68. RITA: Ohhh, Douglas. You broke into the wrong apartment. 

69. DOUG: I swear, if you let me go, I’ll tell them I couldn’t find you. 

70. DAWN: We have some questions for you. You’re not going anywhere. 

71. DOUG: Please, no. They have ways of finding out if I told their secrets. They’ll do unimaginable things to me if I betray them. 

72. RITA: Well buckle up, chucklefuck. My girl Dawn here is fucking DERANGED. You’re going to be praying to your demonic baby lizard Jesus that Sanguis would punish you instead of her. 

73. DOUG: [terrified] Wh-wh-what are you g-g-gonna do to me?

74. DAWN: [struggling to think of something treatening] I’m gonna...I’m gonna shoot you!

75. DOUG: [less scared] Uh-huh. You already did that. 

76. DAWN: That was your leg! I’m gonna shoot you in the—uhh...The hole! I’m gonna shoot you in the hole!

77. RITA: Gross, what the fuck, Dawn. That’s not even scary. That’s disgusting. 

78. DOUG: [scared] It’s both vague and graphic, leaving me thoroughly unsettled. 

79. RITA: That’s exactly it, Doug! Like what “hole” does she mean? I think that’s the unsettling part. 

80. DOUG: [less scared] Right? What am I sup-

81. DAWN: [frustrated] I don’t know, YOUR FAVORITE HOLE!

82. DOUG: [fucking terrified] OH SWEET GOD, NOT MY CLOACA!

83. RITA: TELL US WHAT WE WANT TO KNOW!

84. DOUG: [crying] I WOULD, IF YOU’D ASKED ME ANYTHING YET. PLEASE. I’LL TELL YOU ANYTHING!

85. RITA: [laughs] I feel so silly, we haven’t asked you anything yet, have we? [pause] Wait, what’s a cloaca? Do I have a cloaca? 

86. DAWN: What did they send you here to do?!

87. DOUG: They wanted me to stay here to see if you came back. I was supposed to keep searching the place, to see if I could get any information on where you may be going. They’ve been looking for Dawn, but they haven’t been able to track her down. 

88. RITA: Why are they looking for Dawn. 

89. DOUG: Uhh...to kill her? For a sacrifice?

90. DAWN: They killed me once! Why would they want to kill me again?

91. DOUG: From what I understand, they just drugged you once. 

92. DAWN: What?

93. DOUG: Your meds? That was supposed to knock you out and leave you suggestible so they could sacrifice you in some blood ceremony. 

94. RITA: Hold on, Sanguis didn’t kill her?

95. DOUG: No. They intended to, but when they came to get you after you took your meds, to get you ready to be their sacrifice, the coroners were already at your apartment. A fireman found you after the smoke alarms had gone off. 

96. DAWN: So my death really WAS an accident?

97. DOUG: Oh, definitely not. 

98. RITA: How do you know that? 

99. DOUG: Because there was some shadow creature in your apartment when they sent me in to investigate. 

100. DAWN: There was?

101. DOUG: Yeah. I had never seen anything like it. If I stared at it too long, this intense, cold fear ran over my body. It had no eyes, but it stared into my soul. Well, you know, metaphorically speaking. I don’t actually have a soul. 

102. DAWN: So...we’re back at square one. Sanguis didn’t kill me. How do we follow a lead on some monster?

103. RITA: WHAT DOES SANGUIS KNOW ABOUT THE SHADOW MONSTER?

104. DOUG: I don’t know! Just what I told them! I don’t know what they know! They don’t tell me anything, I’m just a minion. 

105. RITA: YOU’RE LYING! I’VE BEEN TO HELL, A HELL MADE FOR MINIONS. THEY WILL ALWAYS LIE TO PROTECT THEIR MASTERS!

106. DOUG: What hell did you go to?

107. RITA: What, like they all have names? I don’t know. It was some rehab center. 

108. DOUG: [changing tunes to a chatty bitch] Oh my god, don’t tell me it was the rehab center for mimic demons?

109. RITA: OH. MY. GOD. Yeah! Have you been there?

110. DOUG: A couple times! I was visiting an old college buddy who was getting treated there. Do you know Devlin?

111. RITA: HOLY SHIT! DEVLIN HAD THE ROOM BESIDE MINE!

112. (SOUND) Phone vibrate

113. DAWN: Oh, Sunny’s calling me. You okay in here with Doug?

114. RITA: Yeah, yeah! We’re fine! [to Doug] So you went to college with Dev?

115. DOUG: We were in the same frat!

116. (SOUND) Unintelligible chatter from Doug and Rita in the next room

117. (SOUND) closing a bedroom door

118. NARRATOR: Dawn walked back into the hallway, and closed the door. Overcome with feelings about the revelations Doug had just given her, she knew she had to bottle up those feelings for later. Now that she was out of sight from the others, she felt the urge to cry balling up into a painful knot in the middle of her throat. If she started crying now, she wouldn’t be able to stop. She tired to sound as normal as possible when she answered the phone. 

119. DAWN: Hey Sunny. [pause] 

Yeah? [pause] 

Uh-oh. Telling me to sit down is bad. [pause, slides down wall in hallway to sit on floor] 

Okay, I’m sitting. [pause]

No! Another dead witch? How did you find out they’re a witch. [pause]

Why are you crying?

[gasp]

[beginning to cry] NO. But we just. [crying]

[crying] Are you sure? [pause]

[crying] Of course we’ll stay over tonight. I was actually thinking about asking you if we could before you called. [pause] 

[crying] Okay. I’ll tell her. See you in a little while. 

120. (SOUND) phone beep

121. NARRATOR: Dawn pulled herself up off of the floor, and prepared herself to break some news to Rita. The tears over that phone call had found their way out, and the floodgates had opened wide enough for her tears about her murder to make their way through too. She was sobbing. She opened the door to her bedroom. 

122. (SOUND) DAWN Sobbing

123. RITA: There was no candy in rehab, so he smuggled in a bag of skittles by shoving them up his-

124. DOUG: Uhh, Rita. 

125. DAWN: [Still sobbing] Sunny-said. Sh-sh-she said. 

126. RITA: [alarmed] Is Sunny okay?!

127. DAWN: [sobbing] Caoimhe is dead. 

128. RITA: What?!

129. DAWN: [sobbing] mu-murdered. They murdered Caoimhe. 

130. DOUG: Yikes. This seems like a really private thing. Should I go? This is really none of my— 

131. DAWN: [angry scream]

132. (SOUND) Magic gun 

133. (MUSIC) Outtro /