Today’s Lucky Winner

Dr. Sunny Simmons, MD, Vamp Pt. 2

February 01, 2021 Dimension Door Season 1 Episode 10
Today’s Lucky Winner
Dr. Sunny Simmons, MD, Vamp Pt. 2
Show Notes Transcript

     The girls are still back in 1968. Do they “edit” the timeline? That’s our nice way of asking if they say “Let’s screw with it and make another, much hotter timeline!  Who  gives a flying fart? Like this timeline is very good anyways? Heck that shart!” (We’re still not sure if we can cuss in these descriptions.)
     What will their new future look like? Is there going to be weird sex stuff at this vampire ceremony? Is Sunny going to be turned? I’m sorry we don’t have answers. This is just the episode description. Listen to the dang show!

P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 10? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!

Cast:
Narrator, Crawford, Vampire 2 - Sean Turner @seanwkturner
Dawn - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid
Kyle, Vampire 1 -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale
Sunny, Carmilla - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222
Rita - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Special Guest Star from CtrlAltCrit:
Caoimhe Murphy - Autumn Potts @littleinkpots, @CtrlAltCrit

More from them at  http://www.ctrlaltcrit.com

Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original theme music written and performed by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Brianne’s Guest Appearance on In the Wake with Whytli Rogers
(CW: Eating disorder discussion)
https://whytli.com/podcast/episode-80-the-intersections-of-adhd-eating-disorders/

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Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original music by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Rating Introduction:


1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.


Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 


Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 


Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for 


Previously on


SCENE ONE: Behind the shed with Dawn and Caoimhe: About 3:00 PM


(SOUND) Nature Sounds, farm ambient noise


1. DAWN: You came here to kill all these vampires.


2. CAOIMHE: Yep.


3. DAWN: By yourself?


4. CAOIMHE: Well, the things I got from Neldoracht last month-


5. DAWN: Do what?


6. CAOIMHE: Divination using clouds. 


7. DAWN: [incredulous] Uh-huuuh...


8. CAOIMHE: -and from casting Ogam 


9. DAWN: [still incredulous] surrre?


10. CAOIMHE: [exasperated sigh] The sacred Druidic tree alphabet...Do you only know artificer magic? How do you not know this stuff?


11. DAWN: Let’s just say I’m new to this witch stuff. 


12. CAOIMHE: Really? You’re kind of old.


13. DAWN: I’m only 33!


14. CAOIMHE: I’ve been doing this since I was 8. 


15. DAWN: And how old are you now, 25?


16. CAOIMHE: 21.


17. DAWN: Well, that’s pretty fucking rude of you to be 21.


18. CAOIMHE: [laughs] But none of your family told you until now? That doesn’t sound like them. 


19. DAWN: Yeah. My mom, who you talked to, she died without telling me I was a witch. 


20. CAOIMHE: That explains why she seemed so anxious to see you here. She left you unprepared. 


21. DAWN: Yeah. She left me unprepared for a lot...So, you were saying stuff about clouds and trees?


22. CAOIMHE: Okay, so let me explain this to you like you’re a toddler.


23.DAWN: [annoyed] Hey, thanks. 


24. CAOIMHE: I’m a Druid. We are magic users that venerate nature, the cyclical nature of life, and our ancestors. I’m what they call an Ovate. 


25. DAWN: Congratulations?


26. CAOIMHE: [sigh] My strengths are in divination, healing, and, in a sense, time travel. 


27. DAWN: You’re a time traveler too?


28. CAOIMHE: Not in the sense you are. I can access ancestral knowledge from the otherworld. But time isn’t linear in the otherworld. Some of the knowledge and people I talk with aren’t from my time. 


29. DAWN: Since all time actually happens at once?


30. CAOIMHE: Exactly! Good, you aren’t totally ignorant. 


31. DAWN: That’s why you could talk to my mom?


32. CAOIMHE: Yep. I access the liminal space between when a soul dies, and when their energy is recycled elsewhere. It’s called the otherworld. I looked for any soul I could find there that was connected to your grandma. Your mom answered immediately. 


33. DAWN: Really?! 


34. CAOIMHE: Does...does she not know about you being here?


35. DAWN: In the time I’m from, she’s been dead for a few years. My grandma has been dead for 20 years. 


36. CAOIMHE: I’m so sorry. And neither told you about being a witch as a child?


37. DAWN: Nope. 


38. CAOIMHE: What the hell happens to your family in the future? I’d ask Alma, but I think it’s better she not know that she’s going to have a kid before she’s even pregnant. 


39. DAWN: I don’t know what happened. That’s one thing I’m trying to figure out.


40. CAOIMHE: Well, your mom said your name was Dawn. It’s very nice to meet you. 


41. DAWN: You too. You’re only the second other witch I’ve met. 


42. CAOIMHE: And I’m the one who’s gonna throw you in the deep end of the pool. 


43. DAWN: What?


44. CAOIMHE: You know how to use that thing?


45. DAWN: Cabroncita? I mean, I can shoot it, but not really well. 


46. CAOIMHE: You can learn as you go. We have until tomorrow night to find out what the hell these vampires are up to. 


47. DAWN: Should I really do anything to mess with the timeline though?


48. CAOIMHE: I’m going to burn this place down anyway. You’re just helping speed up the inevitable. 


49. DAWN: I guess that’s true. [pause] What do you know about this place?


50. (SOUND) Paper being unfolded


51. CAOIMHE: The messages I got from the otherworld were unclear. They told me it was vampire related, but not what they were doing. I did get a few names of people. They’re all on this list. I looked a few up, and I only found information on two of them. I can’t find any of these souls in the otherworld either, so that tells me they’re either eaten by vampires, or turned into them. 


52. DAWN: How so?


53. CAOIMHE: Their souls can’t get recycled, if they’ve been eaten or turned into a vampire. They go straight to Ambrogio. I’d have no opportunity to find them in the otherworld. 


54. DAWN: Hold on, I know a few names on this list. 


55. CAOIMHE: You do?


56. DAWN: Yeah! Chip Cravens is an epidemiologist that works for an evil pharmaceuticals company that doesn’t exist yet. Unfortunately, I worked there too. Right here, that’s Jimmy Colglazier, he’s one of the largest shareholders of the same company. That’s why I recognized so many people on the bus! I must have passed their pictures in the hallways there a hundred times. 


57. CAOIMHE: [freaking out] Nooo! Shiiiit!


58. DAWN: What?


59. CAOIMHE: If they all live to start some evil drug company, does it sound like my plan to burn this place down actually worked?


60. DAWN: Oh, no. 


61. CAOIMHE: Shit. I think I die here. 


62. (MUSIC) Interstitial 






SCENE TWO: Barn with Sunny and Rita: About 3:00PM


1. (SOUND) nature sounds, occasional horse whinny 


2. (SOUND) Footsteps on dirt walking towards the listener.



3. SUNNY: Hey, everything alright with Dawn?


4. RITA: Yeah, as alright as she can be right now. [pause] How’s da whittle horsey baby?


5. SUNNY: She’s in the corner of this stall sleeping. See? You can see her little rump to the right of her mom’s legs. 


6. RITA: [extreme baby talk] Ohhh...she’s just a little girl. She’s just so tired from all the important whittle horsey girl business she’s done today. She’s gotta rest those whittle hoov-


7. SUNNY: Am I your sugar momma in the future?


8. RITA: [startled] Excuse me?


9. SUNNY: You’ve gotta be in your 30’s right now. I’m in MY 30’s right now. You know me from the future, and I suspect our relationship is sexual in nature. I’m guessing I’m at LEAST in my 70’s whenever you’re from. So, I ask you: Am I your sugar momma?


10. RITA: [laughs] No! I...I don’t know what to say that won’t be saying too much. Umm...I am a LOT older than I look. I’m older than you by a lot. 


11. SUNNY: You’re fucking with me.


12. RITA: I swear. I’m a LOT older than you. [pause, sincere] And in the future, you’re just as beautiful as you are right now. 


13. SUNNY: [chuckles] There’s no way that’s possible...unless I’m a vampire, or something. [laughs]


14. RITA: [panicked] Hahahaha, what? A vampire? That’s crazy! Did you do shrooms again? ANYWAY, [lowering her voice] changing the subject, we don’t even have a sexual relationship.


15. SUNNY: What? I...I’m sorry. I just got the sense that you were- I don’t know. The way you looked at me just-


16. RITA: Oh, I definitely like you. I think you like me too, in the future. We just...haven’t, [suggestive] you know? 


17. SUNNY: Why not?


18. RITA: I-I don’t. I mean, you haven’t- I think it’s been a while since you’ve dated anyone. 


19. SUNNY: And why haven’t you asked me out?


20. RITA: I usually skip the dating and get right to steering the bean, if you know what I mean. 


21. SUNNY: Doing what?


22. RITA: Sex stuff. 


23. SUNNY: Ah...So why have you not asked me about that, in the future. 


24. RITA: You are a lot more direct in 1968. 


25. SUNNY: I’m not this direct in the future?


26. RITA: I mean...you’ve been- You see...


27. SUNNY: Are you and Dawn gonna tell me what happens to me?


28. RITA: What?


29. SUNNY: You look at me like you know my dog died and you don’t want to tell me. Something happens to me. 


30. RITA: I-I’m going to make sure nothing does.


31. SUNNY: So something does happen, and you’re going to try to stop it?


32. RITA: Yes. 


33. SUNNY: Would I want you to?


34. RITA: What?


35. SUNNY: Would I want you to stop this thing from happening?


36. RITA: I mean, yeah. Yeah...I think so. 


37. SUNNY: You don’t know so?


38. RITA: I mean, I’m not going to just ask you about the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. 


39. SUNNY: [somber] Oh, no. It’s that bad?


40. RITA: It’s pretty fucking bad. 


41. SUNNY: But you like who I am in the future?


42. RITA: A lot. A whole lot. [pause] That’s probably why I don’t know how to handle...you know, US, in the future. 


43. SUNNY: [sigh] It’s probably risky for you to try to change the past. 


44. RITA: Very risky. 


45. SUNNY: [thinking] And maybe if the bad thing doesn’t happen to me, it’ll happen to someone else instead. Or maybe more people will get hurt. 


46. RITA: I don’t- I don’t know. 


47. SUNNY: Whatever happens while you’re here, I just want you to consider that. It sounds like I’m a pretty good person in the future. That’s all I ever wanted to be. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t even eat meat. [pause] I don’t know...just...don’t make a decision for me that I wouldn’t make, okay? 


48. RITA: I- okay. 


49. SUNNY: And when you get back to the future, ask me out already. 


50. RITA: [excited] Yeah?!


51. SUNNY: Hell yeah. You seem to really care about me. You treat Dawn like a sister, which is endearing. [sexy tone] And it doesn’t hurt that you’re a leggy babe with a face I’d love to sit on. 


52. (SOUND) footsteps walking into the barn


53. RITA: [extremely bashful] You are so FORWARD in 1968. I like it. 


54. SUNNY: [flirty giggle]


55. RITA: Whatever happens, I’ll make sure I save you a seat on-


56. DAWN: Hey ya’ll.


57. RITA: God dammit, Dawn!


58. DAWN: What?


59. RITA: I’m trying to get my face sat on. 


60. DAWN: Pssshhh, when are you not?


61. RITA: That’s true. [pause] And whoms’t the fuck are you?


62. CAOIMHE: I’m Caoimhe, and WHAT are you???


63. RITA: Excuse you?


64. DAWN: Caoimhe, this is my friend Rita. She is also from the future. Technically? And this is our friend Sunny. She’s from this time, but we also know her in the future. 


65. CAOIMHE: Hey, I’m Caoimhe. Are you a witch too? Are you gonna help us figure out what these vampires are up to?


66. SUNNY: [shocked] Am I what?!





SCENE THREE: FARMHOUSE, CARMILLA’S ROOM: About 3:30PM


1. (SOUND) Faint piano music coming from an old record player


2. (SOUND) gentle knock on door


3. CRAWFORD: Momma? Are you decent?


4. CARMILLA: [grumpy, English accent] What? Just come in and stop pussyfooting around at the door. [pause] I’ve heard you trying to summon up the spine to know for the last five minutes. 


5. (SOUND) Door closing shut behind Crawford 


6. CRAWFORD: How are you feeling?


7. CARMILLA: I haven’t eaten in three weeks, how the fuck do you think I feel?


8. CRAWFORD: Oh Momma, you must feel miserable. 


9. CARMILLA: No shit, you donkey-brained taint. 


10. CRAWFORD: After the ceremony tomorrow night, you should feel better than you did three weeks ago! And I’m sure your mood will be back to normal. 


11. CARMILLA: What did you say about my mood?


12. CRAWFORD: Nothing, Momma. 


13. CARMILLA: Did you manage to lure that Druid here?


14. CRAWFORD: Yes! She’s here. That Warlock we hired managed to slip some misleading information into the otherworld, and gave her some less than accurate divinations. 


15. CARMILLA: Excellent. I’ll grow stronger at the ceremony, after I make my new children, and we can begin the arduous task of collecting the rest of the sacrifices for our little project. 


16. CRAWFORD: Momma, there is one thing.


17. CARMILLA: Oh, is there “one thing”?


18. CRAWFORD: There are three things. 


19. CARMILLA: Three things? You just skipped right over two. 


20. CRAWFORD: I...I brought a woman I’d like to turn. For myself. 


21. CARMILLA: Oh, Trapper. Your face. Do you have a bit of a schoolboy crush on this woman?


22. CRAWFORD: A touch. She’s beautiful. She’s a nurse.  [pause] She seems to think she’s attracted to women though. 


23. CARMILLA: Darling, I’m sure she KNOWS she’s attracted to women. 


24. CRAWFORD: I just don’t understand though, she brought her “girlfriend” with her. How does that even work? Which one of them is the man? 


25. CARMILLA: Neither, darling. That’s the the whole point of it. Now, are you going to continue accidentally telling me that you’re bad at sex, or are you going to stop wasting my time and tell me what the other two things are?


26. CRAWFORD: So, I can turn her?


27. CARMILLA: Into a vampire? Sure. I don’t give a shit. Into a heterosexual? That’s never going to happen, Trapper. She’s accustomed to having sex with someone who knows what a clitoris is. 


28. CRAWFORD: A what? That a dinosaur?


29. CARMILLA: [sigh] Nothing, dear. You had a few other matters to discuss?


30. CRAWFORD: Yes, Momma. 


31. CARMILLA: They’d better be good things, or I’ll fucking kill you right now, and make a new son who doesn’t disappoint me. 


32. CRAWFORD: There’s another woman here who wasn’t on the recruitment list you sent me. And I didn’t pick her up. I think the nurse brought her along.


33. CARMILLA: That’s fine. The newborn vampires will be hungry tomorrow night. They can have a little snack as soon as they wake up. 


34. CRAWFORD: That’s the thing, she don’t seem like just a regular woman.


35. CARMILLA: Go on. 


36. CRAWFORD: She’s carrying the same sawed off shotgun with that mother of pearl stock as that little bitch who tried to shoot you down in Laredo.


37. CARMILLA: [deathly serious] There is someone here carrying Cabroncita?


38. CRAWFORD: That was the dang name! I don’t remember none of this Mexican-


39. CARMILLA: Shut up about the gun, you racist little shit. Is it the same woman we saw in Laredo?


40. CRAWFORD: Nah, this one looks like she could be her kin, but she’s older than that witch in Laredo. [pause] And she’s here with a real strange looking woman who must be about 6 feet tall. She’s French, I guess. And that sweet little nurse I’m gonna turn said she’s her “girlfriend”. She looks like a dang stick bug, she don’t smell like food, and her shirt says- you won’t believe this- her shirt says-


41. CARMILLA: I DON’T CARE ABOUT HER FUCKING SHIRT. WHAT DOES THE TALL WOMAN SMELL LIKE? 


42. CRAWFORD: The tall one smells like rain. Or dirt. Ain’t a bad smell, but she doesn’t smell like food. The little one with Cabroncita doesn’t smell like food either. 


43. CARMILLA: [exasperated with Crawford] And what. Does the little one. Smell like? 


44. CRAWFORD: She smells real awful. Like paint thinner or something. 


45. CARMILLA: [excited] YES! Oh, my sweet simple boy. This is fantastic. 


46. CRAWFORD: What, Momma? 


47. CARMILLA: The stick bug woman isn’t a woman at all. It’s a reaper. I don’t know why a reaper would choose to look like that, but it’s a reaper nonetheless. 


48. CRAWFORD: And the little woman with the gun?


49. CARMILLA: The woman is in a temporary vessel. It’s a temporary body given to souls visiting earth for a short time. They make them smell like that so they don’t get eaten.


50. CRAWFORD: Why does she have that artificer’s gun?


51. CARMILLA: My guess is that she is also an artificer, of some relation to that little bitch in Laredo. 


52. CRAWFORD: Hot damn! That’s great! We couldn’t catch that other artificer, and one just walked through our door. 


53. CARMILLA: And she’s in a magical vessel. 


54. CRAWFORD: Is that good?


55. CARMILLA: Good, my dear boy? That’s fantastic. If the artificer we have to sacrifice is in a magical vessel, our little project will be ten times more powerful than we imagined. 



56. (MUSIC) Interstitial




SCENE FOUR: Fire pit outside the barn: 8:30 PM


1. NARRATOR: Dawn attempted to tell Sunny that vampires and witches were real. Like a sane person, she didn’t believe a word of that without evidence. The evidence was provided by Caoimhe, who used her staff to blast a bale of hay to smithereens. Still not convinced, Caoimhe then contacted Sunny’s grandmother in the otherworld and recited her entire peach pie recipe. How else would Caoimhe have known that the secret ingredient in the filling was two fingers of brandy? That was top secret information. 


Shortly thereafter, Dawn fell asleep on some hay while the rest of the women were talking. She was exhausted. Sunny, in need of some fresh air, wanted to step outside of the barn. Caoimhe agreed to keep watch of Dawn while Rita kept Sunny safe from vampires outside. They took a seat around a fire pit just down the hill from the barn, where soon to be vampiric hippies played guitar and drank wine. 


2. (SOUND) Nighttime ambient noise


3. (MUSIC) Gentle strumming on an acoustic guitar


4. (SOUND) campfire crackle 


[I cannot stress enough how romantic this setting is. Rita and Sunny are around a campfire. The sky is absolutely loaded with stars. It’s a crisp evening, begging for you to cuddle someone. Imagine “In an Aeroplane over the Sea” is playing. The breeze is wafting in the scent of a honeysuckle bush. Sunny smells like patchouli. I could set you here with a fax machine, and you’d be planning your wedding to the fax machine in a matter of minutes]


5. SUNNY: So if Dawn is a witch, and vampires are real, what are you?


6. RITA: Just Rita. 


7. SUNNY: Caoimhe seemed to think you were something else. 


8. RITA: Remember when I told you I was older than you?


9. SUNNY: Yeah. 


10. RITA: I’m 66 million years old. 


11. SUNNY: No way. 


12. RITA: Yes way. 


13. SUNNY: You could have fooled me. You don’t look a day over 42 million. 


14. RITA: [chuckle] Gee, thanks. 


15. SUNNY: Are you an angel or something?


16. RITA: Ha! No. 


17. SUNNY: You’re not going to tell me, huh?


18. RITA: If I tell you what I am, that’s going to give you more questions than learning that witches and vampires are real. 


19. SUNNY: [sigh]


20. RITA: You okay, Sunshine?


21. SUNNY: It’s been a very educational few days. [pause] Do you call me Sunshine, in the future?


22. RITA: I do. Do you not like it? I shouldn’t have just given you a nickname. 


23. SUNNY: No, I like it. A lot. [pause] Do you want to go somewhere a little more private?


24. RITA: [giggle] Okay.


25. NARRATOR: Sunny grabbed Rita by the hand, and took her to the side of the barn, out of sight from the people at the campfire. Sunny pulled Rita closer, wrapping her arms around Rita’s slender frame. She stood on her toes, inching closer to Rita’s face. 


26. SUNNY: Is this okay?


27. RITA: [smiling really big] Yeah.


28. SUNNY: You’re 66 million years old, and you still grin like that when someone’s about to kiss you?


29. RITA: Only when it’s you, Sunshine. 


30. NARRATOR: Rita leaned down and brushed a lock of hair behind Sunny’s ear. Now Sunny was smiling too. As Rita lowered her face to meet her lips, the unmistakable blast of Cabroncita rang out from inside of the barn. 


31. (SOUND) Cabroncita shoot


32. SUNNY: [startled gasp]


33. RITA: Raincheck on the smoochies. 


34. NARRATOR: Sunny and Rita ran toward the front of the barn. The hippies, also startled by the magical gunshot, sat frozen in fear around the campfire. As they entered the barn, they saw three men in mirrored aviator sunglasses surrounding Dawn and Caoimhe. The women were back to back, both brandishing their weapons. There was a puddle of dead vampire goo about 8 feet in front of Dawn.


35. DAWN: I *SAID*, if any of you comes any closer, you’re next!


36. VAMPIRE 1: Jimmy was a baby, doll face. It’s going to be a lot harder to kill the rest of us. 


37. VAMPIRE 2: The two of you WERE going to get to spend your last night on earth in a very comfortable room in the farmhouse, but you went and messed that up by getting hysterical and shooting Jimmy.


38. CAOIMHE: We aren’t going anywhere with you. 


39. VAMPIRE 1: Oh yes you are, sweetie. Why do you think you’re here, little Druid? Mother lured you here for her sacrifice tomorrow.


40. CAOIMHE: [confused, upset] L-Lured me here??


41. VAMPIRE 2: Those weren’t your ancestors you were talking to. Just some greedy little witch from the Warlock mafia who relayed the message mother wanted you to get. 


42. DAWN: This was a set up. 


43. (SOUND) Titties slapping while jumping up and down


44. VAMPIRE 1: And you being here was just gravy. Now you both can be sacrificed at the ceremony. 


45. RITA: Hey! How long does a girl have to jump up and down with her titties out before she gets some attention?


46. VAMPIRE 2: Earrings? On Nipples? How-


47. (SOUND) Cabroncita blast


48. (SOUND) Vampire die noise


49. DAWN: I never thought I’d say this, but thanks for whipping your titties out. 


50. RITA: Anytime, little buddy. 


51. NARRATOR: As Rita pulled her shirt back down, Caoimhe raised her staff toward the last two vampires. A purple beam of light encapsulated them both. They froze. She gave them a command. 


52. CAOIMHE: Droch-Fhuil (Drotch Ell)


53. (SOUND) Vampire teeth coming out 


54. NARRATOR: The light disappeared back into the staff, and the vampires looked at each other. Their expressions grew savage. They came at each other like feral animals. Quite quickly, the taller of the two managed to get the shorter one in a headlock. Then, he popped the head clean off, as easily as one would open a can of soda. 


55. (SOUND) Vampire die noise, goop. 


56. (SOUND) Unholy vampire screech


57. (SOUND) Vampire running away


58. SUNNY: What the hell was that?


59. RITA: Cool! He popped him like a zit!


60. DAWN: Where did that other one go?


61. RITA: Did you magically give those guys bath salts? 


62. CAOIMHE: It’s a bad blood spell. It makes vampires turn on each other. He went looking for other vampires to kill. It spreads like a virus. He should be spreading it to the others right now. The vampires should be fairly distracted until it wears off. 


63. DAWN: What are we gonna do?


64. CAOIMHE: I’m gonna see if I can help any of the humans on the commune. Once the spell wears off, those vampires will be hungry. I don’t think they’ll be able to wait for whatever ceremony they have tomorrow. 


65. DAWN: Okay. We’ll be in here coming up with a plan.


66. CAOIMHE: Okie dokie, artichokey. 


67. (SOUND) Boots running away


68. SUNNY: What do we do? How can I help?


69. DAWN: I don’t know how much we SHOULD help with. I don’t want anything to happen to Caoimhe, but there’s a distinct possibility that we could make things worse if we help. 


70. RITA: Why not? They’re already tearing each other to pieces!


71. DAWN: I know! And that guy who just got squished like a cherry tomato was the CFO of Sanguis. What’s gonna happen now?! That’s a huge change to the-


72. (SOUND) Ripping fabric


73. (SOUND) Portal noise

 

74. (SOUND) Spooked horse neigh


75. RITA: Oh, great FUCKING timing, Kyle!


76. NARRATOR: A vertical tear appeared in the side of the barn. Rather than open to the outside of the barn, the tear revealed an opening to a vortex to one of Rita’s poofs.


77. (SOUND) Walkie Talkie static


78. KYLE: Pack it up, ladies. It’s time to go. You’re clear for landing. 


79. RITA: We’re not ready yet!


80. KYLE: And Rita, this is pre-recorded message. I can’t hear you complaining that you don’t want to go back yet.


81. RITA: [gasp] How did he do that?!


82. (MUSIC) Interstitial








SCENE FIVE: Inside the barn: 9:30 at night 


1. (SOUND) intense ethereal whooshing 


2. DAWN: Rita! This is our only chance! We have to go!


3. RITA: No! Who’s going to keep Sunny safe from Crawford?


4. SUNNY: I can take care of myself! Go!


5. DAWN: Sunny is fine in the future. I’m sorry we can’t stay and protect her, but maybe we can protect a bunch of other people if we can stop whatever Carmilla is doing. Her CFO is dead, maybe we’ve messed something up for her. Maybe we can save more witches from being killed. 


6. RITA: NO! I want to save HER!


7. SUNNY: I don’t WANT you to save me, if it means other people get hurt! 


8. DAWN: She will HATE you in the future, if you let other people get hurt on account of her. You KNOW that. 


9. SUNNY: She’s right. 


10. (SOUND) footsteps running into the barn. 


11. CAOIMHE: [out of breath] I loaded as many hippies as I could onto the bus and hot wired it for them. The rest of the vampires are going nuts on each other out there. [pause, still out of breath] Holy Hannah, that’s a big portal. 


12. RITA: [crying] What if we’ve messed up things by being here and Sunny isn’t the same in the future. 


13. SUNNY: [tenderly, to Rita] Maybe I’m even better in the future, since I met you both. Maybe something good happens. 


14. DAWN: Sunny is good to the core, in every timeline. 


15. RITA: You can’t know that. 


16. DAWN: I do know that, and I think you know it too. I think that’s why you like her so much. Let’s go. 


17. CAOIMHE: I’ll take care of Sunny! You girls go back home. It’ll be-


18. (SOUND) vampire scurry noise


19. (SOUND) Juicy bite noise 


20. SUNNY: [getting bitten by a vampire noise] 


21. RITA: NO!


22. NARRATOR: Crawford had appeared behind Sunny. Pulling his face from the nape of her neck, Dawn saw the massive tear he had left in her flesh. She was white as a sheet. He flashed shit-eating grin with his blood covered fangs. 


23. DAWN: SUNNY!


24. CRAWFORD: [just bit Sunny] No need to take care of Sunny, you little Druid bitch. I think I’ll take care of her right now. [weirdly intimate tone, speaking tenderly to a dying Sunny] I’m a nice man, Sunny. We could have had eternity together, but you chose this perverse reaper instead of me. Now, nobody can have you.


25. (SOUND) Cocking Cabroncita


26. RITA: [Crying] No no no no no no no. 


27. DAWN: Drop my friend, motherfucker. 


28. (SOUND) Body fall


29. CRAWFORD: Of course. [absolutely fucking deranged] I had to drop her, since I’m carrying YOU to the farmhouse. You’re going to get tied up for the ceremony tomorrow. You may made my family slaughter each other out there, but I won’t let Momma down ANY MORE and lose her sacrifices too. You and the Druid are coming with me. 


30. (SOUND) Caoimhe magic staff blast


31. CRAWFORD: [pained yell]


32. CAOIMHE: Fat chance. You’re not gonna be carrying anyone with a hole in your guts. 


33. (SOUND) Vampire scurry


34. (SOUND) Rita’s boots running to Sunny


35. RITA: [Crying] Sunny, Sunshine. Stay with me. You have to stay awake. 


36. (SOUND) Shirt tearing


37. RITA: I’m gonna try to slow the bleeding with my shirt. [crying] Sunshine, please. Open your eyes. 


38. (SOUND) Cabroncita shoot


39. CRAWFORD: [excruciated yell] My arm!


40. DAWN: Two witches and one vampire, who is now missing an arm. I don’t thing you’re going to be carrying anyone to the the farmhouse tonight. 


41.CRAWFORD: [enraged scream] 


42. (SOUND) Vampire running away


43. DAWN: [relieved sigh] Oh, sweet Jesus. He ran away. Oh, thank fuck. 


44. CAOIMHE: You go check on Sunny and Rita. I’ll make sure he stays gone. 


45. RITA: Dawn. Dawnie, she won’t open her eyes. [crying] She has to open her eyes. 


46. DAWN: She still has a pulse, but barely. 


47. RITA: No. No NO NO. She has to make it. She has to become a doctor. Sh-sh-she has to be alive t-t-to read poetry every night and knit hats for the babies in the NICU at the Children’s Hospital? She c-c-can’t visit them, but she makes them hats so they don’t get cold.


48. DAWN: I didn’t know she did that. 


49. RITA: [crying] Sunshine, I’m sorry. I ruin everything. This is all my fault. 


50. DAWN: Wait! Hold on. I have an idea. 


51. NARRATOR: Dawn walked over to where she had shot Crawford. She poked around some straw on the ground until she found what she was looking for. She gingerly carried Crawford’s left hand and forearm over to Rita. 


52. DAWN: Can Sunny turned into a vampire with this?


53. RITA: I-I think so. Crawford drank her blood, and now she’d have to drink his. There may be enough. 


54. DAWN: Let’s try it. 


55. RITA: She’s going to suffer a life fighting the impulse to eat people!

 

56. DAWN: She’s good to the core, Rita. She can do it. Make a decision. The portal is getting smaller. 


57. RITA: Sh-sh-she...


58. DAWN: [very gently to Rita] Those babies in the NICU can’t get hats from a dead lady. 


59. RITA: [sigh]


60. NARRATOR: Rita took Crawford’s arm from Dawn. She opened Sunny’s mouth, and held the arm so it dripped onto her tongue. 


61. DAWN: Do you think that’s enough?


62. RITA: I don’t know. I don’t know. 


63. CAOIMHE: Portal is shrinking, ya’ll.


64. DAWN: We’ve gotta go. 


65. RITA: One second, please. I want to say goodbye. 


66. DAWN: I’ll give you a moment. Hurry. 


67. RITA: [crying] Sunny, if you can hear me. I’m so sorry. I tried to keep you from this pain. I think this is what you’d want. I don’t know. You said to not make a decision for you that you wouldn’t make, and I just don’t know if this is the right choice. I don’t know what you’d want. But at least this way, you have a chance. 


If it isn’t, and I get back to Dawn’s time, and you fucking hate me for this, I give you license to kill me. I’ll take Cabroncita from Dawn, and I’ll let you do it. I promise. 


[sniffle] I shouldn’t have been such a coward before. I should have told you how much I like you. I just couldn’t believe someone as beautiful as you would ever see something of value in a piece of shit like me. I’ve reaped a lot of souls, but you have the most beautiful one I’ve ever seen. 


I hope I get to see you soon, Sunshine. 


68. DAWN: RITA, NOW!


69. CAOIMHE: I’ll stay with Sunny! GO!


70. NARRATOR: Dawn pulled Rita away from Sunny. She laced her fingers into Rita’s. 


71. DAWN: It’s gonna be okay. I know it. 


72. RITA: I wish I believed you. 


73. NARRATOR: Dawn and Rita stepped through the portal together. They went hurdling forward through the black vortex, and they took a sharp left turn. Suddenly, they both fell onto a hardwood floor in a room that smelled like patchouli. They looked up to see Sunny, Vampire Sunny, sitting on her couch in flannel pajamas. She put down her book of poems by Sor Juana Ines De La Cruz, and she walked toward them. She looked down at Rita. 


74. SUNNY: You. Get the fuck up. 


75. RITA: [getting up] Sunny. I’m sorry. I knew I made the wrong choice. You hate me right?


76. (SOUND) Sunny gives Rita a big smooch


77. RITA: [giggles] The right choice? I made the right choice?


78. SUNNY: [chuckles] Yeah. You made the right choice. 


79. DAWN: I’m so glad you’re okay. 


80. SUNNY: But you’re not! If I remember correctly, you’re running on about 2 hours of sleep. 


81. DAWN: Wait, you remember that we saw you in 1968, but you also remember the timeline BEFORE we went to 1968?


82. SUNNY: Some grouchy bitch named Kyle appeared to me in my fireplace yesterday and explained that I was going to have memories of two timelines being smushed together, and that you two would be appearing at my place the next evening. 


83. DAWN: Oh, him being grouchy is my fault. 


84. SUNNY: I sort of broke into your apartment and got you a change of clothes. Go use my shower, and you can sleep in my guest room. I’ll explain the time stuff I remember in the morning. There are tacos for you both in my fridge 


85. RITA: YES!


86. DAWN: You are an angel.


87. SUNNY: And YOU.


88. RITA: Me?!


89. SUNNY: You need to come to bed. Now.


90. RITA: Oh, because of my leg? It seems okay, actually. I don’t need to-


91. SUNNY: Did you not mean it back in 1968, when you said you’d save a seat for me?


92. RITA: [giggle] Oh, you mean...[giggle] You no mean SLEEP in bed. 


93. SUNNY: I no mean sleep in bed. 


94. (SOUND) Smoochies


95. RITA: This is so much hotter than vampire themed porn. 


96. SUNNY: What? 


97. RITA: Nothing. 


98. (MUSIC) Outtro