Dr. Sunny Simmons, MD, Vamp Pt. 1

 Dawn goes back to 1955 to make sure her parents bang, or she won’t exist...hold on. Wait, that’s a different time travel story. In our story, the gals go back to 1968, where a very human Sunny has accidentally joined a vampire cult. Can they stop her from getting turned? SHOULD they? We don’t quite remember the movie The Butterfly Effect, but I think the lesson was that it’s all chill, so long as no butterflies are hurt. IDK, it’s time travel. What’s the worst that could happen?

P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 9? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!

Cast:
Narrator, Crawford - Sean Turner @seanwkturner
Dawn - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid
Kyle, Rip -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale
Sunny - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222
Rita - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Special Guest Star from CtrlAltCrit:
Caoimhe Murphy - Autumn Potts @littleinkpots, @CtrlAltCrit

More from them at  http://www.ctrlaltcrit.com

Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original theme music written and performed by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Email: Luckywinnershow@gmail.com

Transcript

Rating Introduction:

1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.

Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 

Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 

Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for 

Previously on

SCENE ONE: Texas hill country, around a fire. Nighttime. 1918. Summer: about 10:00PM

1.(SOUND) Rewind Noise

2.(SOUND) Occasional horse whinny

3.(Sound) Cicadas 

4.(SOUND) Campfire crackle

5. RIP: Heck, I’m fixin’ to take up a life of crime. They done called what I did in the war a crime anyway. 

6. CRAWFORD: You don’t mean that, Rip.

7. RIP: Sure as shit, do! We was brave enough to join the Rangers when the war broke out. They said we had to keep law and order by any means necessary. 

8. CRAWFORD: And we did. 

9. RIP: But now they’re saying that torturing folks and summary executions was too much? We was at war! We was scared for our lives out there. Scared for Texas! And now we gotta do it all while this damned Spanish Flu is spreading, and half the world is at war. If Texas ain’t gonna appreciate what we done, then maybe it ain’t worth fighting for. 

10. CRAWFORD: They may disband the special Rangers, but Texas still needs protecting. What about the women? Who will protect them? They need men willing to stand their ground to fight for this great state, ranger or not. 

11. RIP: Well, dang it Crawford, I ain’t even considered the women folk. You know I cherish our Texan women. They are a special breed. Women out here ain’t like they are nowhere else. 

12. CRAWFORD: And if you became a criminal, what would become of your wife and-

13. RIP: [laugh] Hell, they can fucking take my ugly, bitch wife. Why do you think I took a job where I’m gone most of the year? I should find the sickest Spanish Flu patient at the hospital and let em’ cough on that saggy old-

14. (SOUND) Branch snap

15. RIP: What in tarnation was that? 

16. CRAWFORD: Some critter?

17. RIP: I sure as shit hope so, or I can squeeze in some more torturing and executions ‘fore they disband us. 

18. CRAWFORD: I’ll go take a look. Probably just a javelina. You stay here with the horses. 

19. (SOUND) Shotgun cock

20. RIP: You see a javelina out there, you shoot me a better dinner than these dang beans, you hear me Crawford?

21. CRAWFORD: [chuckle] Will do!

22. (SOUND) fairly quick footsteps on dirt

23. (SOUND) faint crying in the distance 

24. CRAWFORD: Hello? If someone’s there, you better show yourself. 

25. (SOUND) Fast movement through the underbrush 

26. CRAWFORD: [kind of flustered] I’m a Texas Ranger. Come out with your hands up. 

27. CARMILLA: [english accent, she’s silently appeared behind him, amused she’s going to scare him] Like this?

28. CRAWFORD: Lord Jesus! How did you get behind me?

29. CARMILLA: Oh, I’m not Jesus. I met him once, in another life. I’m a big fan of his whole “drink my blood” bit. 

30. CRAWFORD: What? Ma’am, are you quite alright? What are you doing out here?

31. CARMILLA: Looking for you, Trapper. 

32. CRAWFORD: How did you know my name?

33. CARMILLA: I’ve been watching you since the massacre at Porvenir. 

34. CRAWFORD: Now lady, I don’t know what you-

35. CARMILLA: When they made the special Rangers unit, you were so excited. They were too busy to screen the new applicants. You signed up so you’d have license to kill. You’d found a place where they’d pay you to do the violence you craved. This was your only shot. 

36. CRAWFORD: [terrified] I don’t know what you’re...I will shoot you!

37. CARMILLA: No you won’t. You’re frozen in fear. I can smell it. That’s okay. That gun wouldn’t do too much to me anyway.

38. CRAWFORD: What...what are you. You aren’t a normal lady.

39. CARMILLA: You are quite right, Trapper. I am no normal lady. Now, back to the fine work you did at Porvenir...

40. CRAWFORD: Porvenir was...I was ordered to keep law and order by any means necessary. 

41. CARMILLA: Oh, I know. I know, my darling. You’d do anything that dolt of a commander over there told you to do. But Porvenir? You killed 15 Mexican men. For sport. 

42. CRAWFORD: That was...I-

43. CARMILLA: Men isn’t the right word. Some of them were children. [pause] You killed them, for the mere fact that you wanted to make them suffer. [pause] The fact that you follow orders and revel in cruelty is exactly why I’ve been following you.

44. CRAWFORD: [tears welling, getting choked up, terror] What do you want from me?

45. CARMILLA: It’s more about what I can offer you. [pause] The country knows about the nasty things you Rangers have done, now. The Mexican American war is long over. The country is busy with a new war. There’s no need for you. I give it a year before they disband you entirely. 

46. CRAWFORD: They still need special Rangers to-

47. CARMILLA: Oh, if the Rangers exist in any capacity again, it won’t be a club that would have you. Sure, they’d be cruel, but it wouldn’t be a place to sow terror with reckless abandon anymore. 

48. CRAWFORD: [still scared] What are you offering?

49. CARMILLA: Your friend over there, “Rip”, he was saying he’d like to be reborn as a criminal after his time as a special Ranger has passed. 

50. CRAWFORD: Y-Yes. 

51. CARMILLA: What do you want to be reborn as?

52. CRAWFORD: [pause, anxious breath] I-I don’t. I don’t know. 

53. CARMILLA: You don’t have anyone. You never married. The Spanish Flu just took your mother.

54. CRAWFORD: [crying] I won’t have anything at all. I have nobody. The special Rangers unit is all I have, I-

55. CARMILLA: Hush, child. This is where my offer comes in. It’s been a while since I’ve been around your kind, save for eating you. My children are all quite old. I need someone who understands what the world is like in the 20th century. I’m going to have to insert myself into humanity, if I’m to bring my vision to light. I need someone fresh. I need a family. That’s where you come in. You will start my family. 

56. CRAWFORD: [confused, thinking this monster lady wants to smash] You want me to- with you?

57. CARMILLA: [laughing] Oh, nothing like that. I intend to make you like me. Then, you’ll help me find others. You’ll live forever, you’ll kill for sport, and you’ll help me raise a family. 

58. CRAWFORD: Forever?

59. CARMILLA: Forever, Trapper. 

60. CRAWFORD: Okay. [pause] What do I have to do?

61. CARMILLA: Oh, darling. You don’t have to lift a finger. I’ll take care of the whole thing. [intense, in texan accent] Momma will take care of the whole thing.

62. (SOUND) Carmilla teeth noise

63. (SOUND) juicy bite

64. (SOUND) Frightened horse neigh

65. CRAWFORD: [being bitten by a vampire noises] 

66. (MUSIC) Intro

SCENE TWO: 60’s Bus, Rita next to Sunny in seat. Dawn in seat in front of them, turned to talk: About 11:00AM

1. (SOUND) Road noises throughout

2. (SOUND) Bus engine sounds throughout

3. (SOUND) Inaudible talking, quieter than the road sounds, throughout

4. NARRATOR: Dawn, Rita, and Sunny sat at the back of a school bus. Modifications had been made to this particular vehicle. Grease paint flowers adorned the windows. Mandala patterns, Sanskrit, and various Chinese characters made up a veritable gumbo of mismatched cultural symbols painted on the roof of the bus. By Dawn’s estimation, none of these “brothers and sisters,” as Crawford kept calling the bus occupants, belonged to any of those cultures. 

Dawn had counted 20 people on the bus, including herself and Rita. She knew Sunny and Crawford, but there was something familiar about several of the other passengers. As she looked around the bus, a woman’s arm sticking out into the aisle caught her attention. She was holding a gnarled walking stick, engraved with rune-like symbols. As Dawn stared at the back of her head, the woman whipped her thick braid around, her green eyes now looking at Dawn. 

5. DAWN: [looking down] Shit!

6. SUNNY: You okay, Dawn?

7. DAWN: Ohh, yeah. Yeah. I’m fine. [pause] What’s the deal with the lady with the cool walking stick?

8. SUNNY: Oh, I don’t know. I’m new. She was with the Servants of the Mother when I got here. 

9. RITA: So, how long have you been on the commune?

10. SUNNY: I’ve never actually been to the commune. They asked me to join while they were in Austin. They saved me. 

11. RITA: Save you? From what?

12. SUNNY: [slightly embarrassed] Homelessness. 

13. RITA: Oh, Sunshine. I had no idea.

14. SUNNY: [confused] Uh, yeah. We just met. 

15. RITA: I just mean you never...how long were you houseless? Where were you living?

16. SUNNY: “Houseless?” I’ve never heard that. 

17. RITA: Oh, uh...yeah. I mean, you lived somewhere. A tent, maybe? Home is where you feel you belong. It doesn’t have to be a house. A teepee can be a home. Or an igloo. A yurt. A house is just a specific type of home. 

18. SUNNY: Whoa, I’d never thought about that. [pause] Yeah. I guess I was houseless, then. My home was a tent. When they found me, my home was in the woods by Hippie Hollow. 

19. DAWN: How did you end up living in your tent?

20. SUNNY: [kind of embarrassed, not used to talking about this] I am- was, a nurse. I...uh...I was married to a man.

21. RITA: Well that makes no sense. You don’t even like men like that. 

22. SUNNY: I know, but what else are you supposed to do? It’s not like I’d be able to, I don’t know, [like it’s an absurd idea] go marry a woman. 

23. RITA: You could, someday!

24. SUNNY: [scoffs] Like, where? France?

25. RITA: I mean, technically yeah. 

26. SUNNY: Huh, is that where ya’ll are from? 

27. RITA: Uhhh, yes?

28. SUNNY: J'ai étudié le français à l'université!

29. RITA: Uhhh...Le Crueset? Timothee Chalamet? Omelet du fromage? 

30. SUNNY: What?

31. DAWN: [scrambling] Our parents! Our parents are French. We are...sisters. Adopted, obviously. We were born in France, but we moved here when we were babies. 

32. SUNNY: [incredulous] Ooookay.

33. DAWN: [changing the subject] So you were a nurse, and you were married to a man.

34. SUNNY: Yeah. [pause] I had an affair with a coworker. Doris. The attending physician caught us together, when we were stealing away for a moment on a night shift. He got me fired. Doris claimed I was unwell, and she was coerced. 

35. RITA: Oh my god.

36. DAWN: I’m so sorry.

37. SUNNY: They told my husband, and he had our pastor and folks from the church coming to our house to try to “fix me.”

38. RITA: Gross. 

39. SUNNY: Yeah. He gave up that method when I punched one of the deacons in the throat. 

40. RITA: Thatta girl!

41. DAWN: What did he do after that?

42. SUNNY: He called the mental hospital to have me put away. Aversion therapy. I had heard about what they did to people. I wasn’t going to do it. I couldn’t.

43. DAWN: So, you ran away?

44. SUNNY: Yep. The asylum was out in Greenville. It was a long drive. When he stopped to pump gas out near Roundrock, I bolted. I spent the first few nights out on the street in Austin. Some other houseless people stole a tent from a department store for me, when they saw I didn’t have shelter. I’ve been living in Austin ever since. 

45. DAWN: How long ago was that?

46. SUNNY: Six months ago. 

47. RITA: And now you’re going to be one of the Servants of the Mother?

48. SUNNY: Yeah, I’m not into the whole spiritual thing, but they’re giving me a place to live. And they even said they think I should go to medical school. Crawford was saying that they could raise the money. That would change my life.

49. DAWN: Yeah...Crawford. Does he every take off those sunglasses?

50. SUNNY: I haven’t seen him take them off yet. Maybe he has a medical condition? 

51. RITA: What condition? A terminal case of being an asshole?

52. SUNNY: You know what, I think it’s time I start asking YA’LL some questions. 

53. DAWN: Uh...What?

54. SUNNY: What decade are you from? I’m guessing you have to be from at least 30 years in the future. 

55. RITA: Uh-oh.

56. DAWN: [confused, nervous] I think those shrooms must be getting the best of you. 

57. SUNNY: No, they aren’t. And I’ve done shrooms enough to know that they don’t make me hallucinate women appearing out of thin air. I’d do them a lot more often, if they did.  

58. DAWN: Huh...uhhhh. You didn’t see us walk out from the woods?

59. SUNNY: Cut the bullshit. You appeared from nowhere. Rita said I seemed handsy “in this decade,” which implies that she knows me in another decade. I know she isn’t talking about the past, because I wouldn’t forget meeting a wild looking chick like her. Also, I’ve never heard anyone say the term “houseless.” And don’t get me started on your jeans, Dawn.

60. RITA: Dude, I told you skinny jeans were out. 

61. SUNNY: Denim doesn’t stretch like that. Your pants obviously use a textile manufacturing process that doesn’t exist yet. 

62. RITA: [sexually frustrated noise] All this Sherlock business is getting me kind of hot. 

63. DAWN: That’s...These are from Europe...it’s-

64. SUNNY: Oh yeah? Is this Star Trek looking doo-dad from Europe too?

65. DAWN: [gasp] My phone!

66. RITA: GOD DAMN IT, DAWN. 

67. SUNNY: Hold on. This little rectangle is a PHONE?!

68. DAWN: How did you-

69. SUNNY: You should really make sure all the zippers on your backpack are zipped. 

70. RITA: Bruh, you suck at time travel. 

71. DAWN: Me? This isn’t just me! You over there with your, “Croissant! La Croix! Jean-Luc-“

72. SUNNY: You both have 60 seconds to tell me precisely why you’re here and how you know me, or I scream to Crawford that you’re undercover feds looking to make a drug bust. 

73. RITA: Okay. The truth is, where we’re from, the robot uprising has begun. Skynet has become-

74. DAWN: [sigh] Rita, I’ll handle this. 

SCENE THREE: Commune in Tyler: About 2:00PM

1. (SOUND) Nature sounds

2. (SOUND) Inaudible talking, people milling around

3. (SOUND) Occasional, shitty acoustic guitar

4. NARRATOR: As the bus grew nearer to the commune in Tyler, Dawn filled Sunny in on the truth. Well, most of the truth. [pause] WELL...at least 40% of the truth. She may have left out any mention of vampires, dying, Lucky Winners, and grim reapers. 

   As Sunny now understood it, Dawn and Rita were time travelers. They knew Sunny in the future. They took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, and landed here. They have knowledge of something bad that Crawford plans on doing, but they cannot reveal the facts, or it would irreparably damage the timeline. Sunny knew Dawn had left quite a few things out of her story. By her summation, she was missing about 60% of the facts. 

5. SUNNY: I...I believe you? Which is strange. I have a million questions, but I don’t think I’m going to get any answers from you.

6. DAWN: I don’t know what information would be dangerous for you. I’ve probably already said too much. 

7. RITA: The important thing you need to know is to STAY AWAY FROM CRAWFORD. 

8. SUNNY: [trying to figure out what Rita knows] Me, specifically? What happens to me? If you know me in the future, I can’t be dead. 

9. DAWN: You, uhh...It’s...

10. RITA: Sunshine, there are about a million other things that can happen to a person that are way worse than dying.

11. (SOUND) Bus coming to stop

12. (SOUND) Bus doors open

13. CRAWFORD: Alright, brothers and sisters! We’ve arrived at the commune. New family members, explore the farm at your heart’s content. Mother is resting in preparation for the ceremony tomorrow, so she will not be joining us this evening. 

14. RITA: [yelling from back in “disguised” voice] TAKE OFF YOUR SUNGLASSES!

15. CRAWFORD: Pardon me? What was that? Was that from our new sister in the back? Goodness, you sure have an interesting look about you.

16. RITA: They don’t have soft butch women in cousin-fuck nowhere, or wherever you’re from?

17. CRAWFORD: What did you say? 

18. RITA: I said take off your sunglasses, you “back the blue”, country fried fuck.

19. DAWN: [under her breath, anxious] RITA!

20. SUNNY: I’m sorry Crawford, my girlfriend here is just cranky from the drive. 

21. CRAWFORD: Girlfriend?!

22. RITA: Girlfriend?!

23. SUNNY: You said you were cool with lesbians when you invited me, right? You said the more, the merrier. If not, we can leave as soon as possible. 

24. CRAWFORD: I mean...yes. That’s fine. We believe in all kinds of love here. 

25. SUNNY: Well, my girlfriend will be joining us. And she’s cranky from the drive. 

26. CRAWFORD: Uhh...Sure. Okay. That’s fine. Uhh...She can join in on the ceremony too. [pause] And, what was your name, darlin’?

27. RITA: Dick Fuckly.

28. SUNNY: Vivienne. She’s French. 

29. CRAWFORD: Oh! You’re French! That explains everything. [chuckles to self] You’re welcome for dubya-dubya-2, by the way. [slight pause] Vivienne, you’ll find that some of the more senior brothers and sisters here at Servants of the Mother always wear these reflective sunglasses. We only take them off for ceremonies. 

Now, new siblings, that red building over there to the right is sleeping quarters. Find yourself an empty bunk, and get settled. The kitchen is in that white farmhouse over yonder. If you find yourself with nothing to do, I highly recommend you take a visit to the big barn over there. One of our horses just gave birth, and that palomino filly is just the sweetest little thing you’ve ever seen.

30. BUS OCCUPANTS: Awwwww!

31. RITA: Shit.

32. DAWN: What?

33. RITA: I really want to go see that baby horsey. 

34. NARRATOR: Dawn, Sunny, and Rita walked off of the bus and surveyed the farm. Dawn tried to prioritize what they needed to do next. Nobody seemed to question why she was carrying a sawed off shotgun with a mother of pearl stock. She could shelf the anxiety over that for now. How were they going to get out of this? Could she keep Rita from messing with the timeline by saving Sunny? SHOULD she keep her from that? How were they going to get back to the 21st century? One of her backpack straps began to slip off of her shoulder. That was it! Her backpack. She knew what to do next. 

35. DAWN: Sunny, I just need to borrow Rita for a moment. 

36. SUNNY: You need to talk about future stuff I can’t be privy to, huh?

37. DAWN: Yeah. We’ve gotta find a way to get back. We’ve probably done a lot of damage already, and I can’t risk us doing more. 

38. SUNNY: [sigh] No, I understand. [pause] Okay, that’s a lie. I don’t. But do whatever you have to do. I’m gonna go find a bunk and then go see the horse. Meet me in the barn, Rita? I have some questions I think will be safe for you to answer. 

39. RITA: Yes! I get to see the pony! [pause] I mean, yeah. Sure, baby. I’ll meet you in there. 

40. NARRATOR: Dawn grabbed Rita’s arm and pulled her to a secluded spot behind what looked like a tool shed, far away from the main buildings of the commune.

41. DAWN: Give me your lighter. 

42. RITA: Yessss, you brought a blunt to the 60’s too?

43. DAWN: What? No. What are you-

44. RITA: [digging through pants looking for a loose blunt noises] Found you! You little rascal. 

45. (SOUND) Lighting blunt

46. RITA: [strained from drag on blunt] Want some?

47. DAWN: Do I want your ass crack flavored blunt? No. Give me your lighter. 

48. (SOUND) Unzipping backpack 

49. RITA: Whatcha doin’?

50. DAWN: We’re gonna talk to Kyle. I stuck a calling candle in here before we left for our full moon meeting. 

51. RITA: [still smoking] Nooo...He’s gonna be so pissed at me. 

52. DAWN: I can’t say I blame him! Aren’t you supposed to be good at time travel? 

53. RITA: Lil’ Buddy, when have I ever given you the impression that I’m good at my job? Remember when I told you that dinosaurs come back?

54. DAWN: That’s true. How have you not fucked up the timeline yet?

55. RITA: There are countless timelines, and none of it is linear. And they aren’t something you “fuck up”. They just ARE. I suppose destroying life in this dimension would constitute “fucking up,” but I don’t think saving Sunny from Crawford would do that. [pause to take a drag] Also, it’s kind of your fault. 

56. DAWN: Excuse me?

57. RITA: You’ve gotten me into more trouble than any of my other Lucky Winners COMBINED. Is it my fault I had to try to poof you somewhere while we were being bombarded by vampires?

58. DAWN: [sigh] I hate that you have a point. [pause] Oh, hey, quick question, why can’t you speak French?

59. RITA: What?

60. DAWN: Surely you don’t have only English speaking Lucky Winners. 

61. RITA: Oh! I’m not actually speaking English. Reaper language is beyond the understanding capability of human minds, and the human mouth can’t make the sounds necessary to speak it. I’m just programmed to understand and sound like I’m speaking whatever language my Lucky Winner speaks.  

62. DAWN: Huh. Alright. We’ll come back to that later. [pause] Lighter, please. 

63. NARRATOR: Dawn rummaged around her backpack to find the Calling Candle rolling around to bottom. Rita watched her rummage, and she emitted a pseudo-sexual groan at the sight of the peanut butter jar that Dawn had packed the night before. She snatched the jar from the bag and scooped out peanut butter with her fingers, carefully attempting to do this while still holding her blunt. She looked like a greedy raccoon. Dawn lit the Calling Candle with Rita’s lighter, and a Kyle shaped plume of black smoke began to speak in front of them. 

64. KYLE: Hey girls! Why am I getting a call from 1968? Any explanations that won’t send me into a blind rage?

65. RITA: [peanut butter mouth] It’s only kind of my fault this time. 

66. KYLE: What? Why do you sound like you have a mouth full of peanut butter?

67. RITA: [peanut butter mouth] Heyyy!! I do have a mouth full of peanut butter!

68. DAWN: That would be because she has a mouth full of peanut butter. 

69. KYLE: You know, you could have gotten some FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER, WITHOUT TIME TRAVELING?!

70. DAWN: We were being attacked by energy vampires while trying to solve my murder. The only way out was to poof me. If you’re gonna get mad at someone, get mad at me. Rita was going above and beyond her job description. 

71. RITA: [peanut butter mouth] Oh my god, Lil’ Buddy, you mean that? That is so sweet. You’re the best friend I’ve every had. 

72. DAWN: [very sweet to Rita] I do mean that. You’re right, this is way more than your job usually entails. You’re my best friend too. I’m sorry I haven’t-

73. KYLE: Hi! Hellooo! Did I need to be here while you eat peanut butter and jerk off each other’s egos? [pause] I’m five seconds away from reporting this to the folks upstairs.

74. RITA: [peanut butter mouth] No way! Dude! This was an accident!

75. KYLE: I don’t care if it was an accident, you both are in deep shit. I can’t just-

76. DAWN: You’re going to help us get back to our time, and you’re not gonna say a goddamn thing to the “folks upstairs,” whatever they may be. 

77. RITA: Huh?

78. KYLE: Excuse me?

79. DAWN: You will get us back to our time. You will fix whatever we’ve managed to fuck up here. [aside to Rita] I’m assuming he can do that?

80. RITA: Yeah, probably. 

81. KYLE: Oh! I WILL do that? You’re just telling me what to do? You’re out of your fucking mind if you-

82. DAWN: You WILL get us out of this, or the “folks upstairs,” will learn that you falsified records for this reaper right here, who has almost exploded. Twice. 

83. RITA: I got shot in the leg two times! See?! [struggling to lift leg into frame while holding peanut butter] That- [grunt] That duct tape is holding in my essence. Wild, right?

84. KYLE: I’m sorry, are you blackmailing me?

85. DAWN: [amused with herself] Huh? Yeah! I think I am!

86. (MUSIC) Interstitial

SCENE FOUR: Behind Shed: about 2:30

1. (SOUND) Still nature/farm ambient noise throughout. Maybe cows?

2. KYLE: You have got to be fucking kidding me. 

3. RITA: I don’t think she’s kidding.

4. DAWN: [cocky, talking to Rita] They’d probably send HIM to a hell dimension for that, right?

5. RITA: Oh, definitely. 

6. KYLE: [rage fueled scream]

7. DAWN: Is that a yes, or am I going to have to channel my inner Karen and ask to speak to your manager?

8. KYLE: [trying to compose himself, being quieter so his coworkers don’t hear] Okay! FINE. I’m going to work on getting you a portal out of there. 

9. DAWN: And how soon will that be ready?

10. KYLE: It’ll be ready whenever the fuck it’s ready. It’s a portal through time and space, not a PowerPoint presentation. 

11. DAWN: And what about any past events we may have messed up?

12. KYLE: I’ll try to Frankenstein these timelines together. The one you’ve just made is brand new, so they may not notice that I’m fucking with it. 

13. DAWN: How will that change things when we get back?

14. KYLE: Humans won’t know anything has changed, but any supernatural creatures you’ve directly interacted with will probably be aware of the altered timeline. I have no way of knowing what you can expect when you get back.

15. DAWN: That sounds great. Get us the portal, and none of us have to go to hell. 

16. KYLE: I knew Rita would be a bad influence, but I didn’t think she’d get you to go so far as blackmail. That’s not a pretty color on you, Dawn.

17. DAWN: And that oatmeal colored shirt isn’t a good color on you. Later!

18. (SOUND) blowing out candle

19. RITA: Bruhhhhh!!! That was badass!

20. DAWN: [groan] I feel like I’m gonna barf.

21. RITA: What? Why?

22. DAWN: I just threatened an angel or something!

23. RITA: I don’t know how many times this has to be explained to you, he’s KYLE. He’s not an angel. 

24. DAWN: Whatever! I hate confrontation. 

25. RITA: Interpersonal conflict is too much for you, but you managed to talk me down while we were getting ambushed by vampires?

26. DAWN: Yeah? 

27. RITA: You are an enigma. [pause] You want to go see that baby horse with me and Sunny?

28. DAWN: I’ll meet you in a sec. I’m tired. I’m just going to take a breather by myself for a sec. 

29. RITA: Cool. Here’s this, just in case. 

30. DAWN: You had a blunt in your bra, too?

31. RITA: Yep. DON’T lose my lighter. 

32. NARRATOR: Rita finished her own blunt and squished it out on a patch of gravel. She stuck the peanut butter next to Dawn on the ground. 

33. DAWN: Hey, before you go-

34. RITA: Yeah?

35. DAWN: You know you can’t just kill Crawford, right?

36. RITA: Oh, I most certainly can. 

37. DAWN: What if killing him sets off a chain of events that hurts more people than Sunny?

38. RITA: I bet it’s gonna save a lot of people he won’t be alive to EAT because he’s a FUCKING VAMPIRE. 

39. DAWN: [exhausted sigh] Can you please just hold off on doing anything? I haven’t slept in 26 hours. 

40. RITA: Fine. He probably turns her as part of that ceremony tomorrow night, anyway. I don’t need to kill him right away.

41. DAWN: Thank you. 

42. RITA: BUT...Consider this: Whatever is going on here, Carmilla Gwyar is behind it. If we can fuck things up for them now, maybe you won’t even be murdered in the future. 

43. DAWN: How would that even work? 

44. RITA: I don’t know. That’s above my pay grade. But if I were in your shoes, I think I’d risk it for the biscuit and do whatever I could to survive. 

45. DAWN: [exhausted] Point taken. Go enjoy your time with Sunny. I’ll be there in a little bit.

46. NARRATOR: Dawn sat on the grass and leaned back against the toolshed. She lit the blunt Rita gave her, and she took a long drag. The taste of weed and mango flavored Swisher Sweets filled her lungs. Her eyes grew heavy. As the indica in the blunt gently reminded her of how tired she was, she closed her eyes. 

47. CAOIMHE: Who are you, why do you have Alma Diaz’s gun, and why the hell are you here? 

48. DAWN: [gasp]

49. NARRATOR: In the few seconds Dawn had drifted off, the woman from the bus with the walking stick had appeared in front of her, pointing said walking stick at Dawn’s throat.

50. CAOIMHE: [intense] Why do you have Alma Diaz’s gun!

51. DAWN: [shocked, confused] My abuelita? 

52. CAOIMHE: WHO ARE- hold on. Abuelita? Alma’s only 24, she couldn’t- [sniff, sniff] Ohhhh!

53. DAWN: Why are you sniffing me? 

54. CAOIMHE: Hold on. Shut up. [sniff sniff]

55. DAWN: Uhhh, what the fuck are you-

56. CAOIMHE: [VERY INTENSE] I SAID SHUT UP. 

57. NARRATOR: The woman took a deep breath and moved the walking stick away from Dawn’s throat. She firmly held it horizontally in front of her, at navel height. A purple light emanated from the runes carved into the staff, and it shone onto Dawn. In just a few seconds, the light disappeared back into the staff. 

58. CAOIHME: Oh my stars and garters! You’re her kin! But you’re not from here, huh? Sorry about nearly blasting your head off. 

59. DAWN: You what now?

60. CAOIMHE: It’s always so groovy to run into another witch. You mind if I snag some of your reefer?

61. DAWN: I-what...Who the fuck are you? What just happened?

62. CAOIMHE: [strained from smoking] There I go again being rude! I’m Caoimhe. Caoimhe Murphy. I’m a Druid. The thing with my staff was just a little call to Alma’s ancestors. 

63. DAWN: You did what? 

64. CAOIMHE: [strained from smoking] I just gave a little ring to your family line to see if you were actually from The Workshop. It all checked out. Someone named Valeria said you were the real deal. 

65. DAWN: Mom?! You talked to my mom?

66. CAOIMHE: Yeah, you mind telling me why a spirit who seems to have died...hmmmm... about 50 years in the future, says she’s your mom. Are you from the future or something? 

67. DAWN: I’m from the future or something. 

68. CAOIMHE: [giggling from the weed] Groovy. [pause] So, you want to help me out here?

69. DAWN: Help you with what?

70. CAOIMHE: Burning this vampire cult to the fucking ground. 

71. (MUSIC) Outtro