Uncle Nate’s Grilled Cheese Sandwich Special Pt. 2

Rita is forced to actually do her dang job, when Dawn decides to be a badass and take on a building full of vampires. Wasn’t this nerd supposed to be easy to chaperone?  We really got the impression she’d stay out of trouble. But now, she does acid in the woods and shoots vampires? It’s like the ending of Grease, without the misogyny and flying car.

P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 8? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!


Cast:
Narrator, Crawford, Patient 2 - Sean Turner @seanwkturner
Dawn, Patient 1 - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid
Nate -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale
Carmilla, Sunny, Devlin, Patient 3 - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222
Rita, Patient 4 - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Special Guest Voice:
Xander Zweig - Doctor

Make sure to check out Xander’s show, the Xander and Stone podcast, to hear all about science and the supernatural. Available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to your podcasts.

Website: https://www.xspodcast.com/
@xspodcast - Instagram
@xanderstone10 - Twitter

Writer, Director, Assistant Editor
Brianne Leeson

Editor
James Leeson

Original music written and performed by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Email: Luckywinnershow@gmail.com

Transcript

Rating Introduction:

1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.

Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 

Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 

Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for you. 

SCENE ONE: AC Shaft: Lone Star Digital Assets: 9:30 PM

1. (SOUND) Alarm noise from last episode 

2. NATE: Here’s what’s gonna happen. I am going to bust through this vent and fight the vampires who haven’t left the conference hall yet. You all escape the way we came.

3. RITA: Sounds great. God bless. Thank you for your service.

4. DAWN: Hold the fuck up, first of all, you can’t just kick through an AC vent.

5. NATE: Yes I can. Magic boots. Make uncle kick strong. 

6. DAWN: SECOND OF ALL, you will fucking DIE when you get down there. 

7. NATE: No, I won’t. I’m basically dead except for full moons. This metal collar will take me somewhere safe if I get hurt. Trust me, I’m gonna be fine. 

8. DAWN: You don’t even know how to fight! You’re a mechanic!

9. NATE: Oh, kiddo. There’s a lot you don’t know about your uncle.

10. (SOUND) Big metal crash

11. (SOUND) Gasps

12. (SOUND) Monster fight noises

13. NARRATOR: With one swift kick, Nate sent the vent they had been huddled around crashing to the ground. He nimbly leapt through the hole, with the grace of a house cat. He fell about 12 feet, landing on one of the massive amplifiers that had been playing shitty EDM just moments ago. He reached into his inside jacket pocket, pulling out a metal and glass orb. An emerald green liquid sloshed inside of the orb as he tossed it at a group of 5 energy vampires who were running his direction. They all disappeared in a flash of blue light.

14. (SOUND) 5 energy vampires die

15. RITA: Fantastic! It seems as though your uncle can take care of himself. Let’s bounce before you get hurt. 

16. DAWN: Are you on drugs right now?

17. RITA: No...do you have any?

18. DAWN: You’ve gotta be high out of your fucking mind to think I’m leaving my, maybe dead, uncle to fight a bunch of energy vampires on his own. 

19. RITA: Dude, if the DMV finds out you talked to your uncle, I’m toast. 

20. DAWN: And if I die, you’re extra toast, right?

21. RITA: Absolutely. 

22. DAWN: Well-

23. (SOUND) cocking a shotgun

24. DAWN: [anxious sigh] You’d better follow me down there, and make sure I don’t die.

25. (SOUND) person falling from about 12 feet. 

26. NARRATOR: Dawn quickly realized that her uncle made that 12 foot jump onto the amp look a lot easier than it was. It was probably his magic boots. She had high tops on. They were not magical. Her ankles ached from the impact of her landing. 

27. NATE: I thought I told you to leave?!

28. (SOUND) Magic gun

29. (SOUND) Energy vampire dies

30. (SOUND) Screeching, Monster noises

31. DAWN: I thought you were supposed to take me camping a decade ago!

32. NATE: [frustrated noise] FINE! You know how to spot an energy vampire?

33. DAWN: No. Aren’t they all energy vampires.

34. NATE: You need to be able to feel them coming. They’re quiet, when they want to be. 

35. NATE: Hold on, incoming.

36. (SOUND) Magic gun noise

37. (SOUND) Energy vampire dies

38. (SOUND) Screeching monster noises

39. NARRATOR: Nate raised his revolver to the ceiling, where an energy vampire was crawling just a few feet away from Dawn. The force of the vampire exploding nearly sent Dawn flying off of the side of the amplifier. Her uncle stretched out his arm to catch her. 

40. DAWN: I didn’t see that one, and it was right beside me. How did it do that? How am I supposed to help?

41. (SOUND) Gun/death/screeching (GDS) combo should repeat as he talks 

42. NATE: Take a deep breath and try to focus on one. 

43. DAWN: Like that one coming at us at 9 O’clock?

44. NATE: Yes. 

45. (SOUND) Body falls on floor

46. RITA: Ouch! Fuck. Shit. 

47. (SOUND) GDS

48. RITA: I missed the amps. I...that was a big jump.

49. NATE: Now listen as you focus on one.

50. RITA: Ohhhhh, goddamn. 

51. DAWN: The shrieking?

52. NATE: Listen with your brain, not with your ears.

53. (SOUND) RITA BAMF

54. RITA: I feel so fucking dumb. I could have poofed!

55. DAWN: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING.

56. NATE: FOCUS!

57. RITA: I am SO embarrassed. I could have just fucking poofed! Did you see that? [chuckles to self] 

58. (SOUND) static, to begin partway through the narrator’s lines

59. NARRATOR: Dawn focused on the vampire running at them from the far entrance of the conference hall. She couldn’t hear his footsteps hitting the concrete floor. I was as though his feet never touched the ground, though she could see they were. His movement was almost too precise, like someone had turned the smooth motion settings on in the TV of her mind. She could only hear her own rapid heartbeat. It was so loud, she felt like her heart had taken up residence between her ears. But there was something else growing in volume amid the din of the conference hall. The closer the vampire got, the louder it became. 

60. DAWN: Static! I hear static!

61. NATE: Yes! Shoot in the direction of that brain static. You can’t trust your other senses when you’re looking for an energy vampire. You’re a witch, kid. You can do this. 

62. NARRATOR: Nate jumped down from the amp and pulled out another one of the metal and glass orbs from inside his jacket. He tossed it out of one of the side doors of the conference hall. Dawn could hear a group of energy vampires explode down the hall. She carefully slid down the amps, Cabroncita clanking against them as she clumsily maneuvered herself to the floor. When her feet were on the ground, she saw Carmilla Gwyar sneaking up behind Rita with a knife. 

63. DAWN: Rita! Behind you!

64. RITA: What? It’s too loud in here. “Pita, remind you”? That’s nonsense. I can’t hear-

65. (SOUND) strangle sound

66. CARMILLA: I take it you’re the weird little reaper that my sweet Trapper told me about, hmm? [pause] And you, he seemed to think you were Valeria Menendez, but I think Valeria would have shot me by now. I don’t think you have any idea how to use that thing.

67. DAWN: If you don’t let my friend go, I’m sure as shit gonna figure out how it works. 

68. CARMILLA: Your friend? You think this thing is your friend? Reapers are automatons. It’s not capable of that. They aren’t supposed to be like this. I’d be doing it a favor by taking this knife to its throat right now. 

69. DAWN: Her. She’s not an “it”. And it’s not gonna hurt her.

70. CARMILLA: This knife? It most certainly will. This knife is from hell. It sends things...TO HELL. It’s killed much scarier things than this greasy little-

71. (SOUND) Magic gun blast

72. NATE: Put down the reaper, bitch.

73. CARMILLA: Oop! Nate, my little full moon nuisance. You almost hit me that time! 

74. NATE: I said, put her down. 

75. CARMILLA: So, if Nate’s here, and you’re NOT Valeria...Dawn? Dawnie?? Is that you?

76. (SOUND) Magic gun noise

77. CARMILLA: [pained yell] MY FUCKING LEG. 

78. RITA: YOU SHOT ME IN THE LEG TOO! WHAT THE FUCK, DAWN!

79. DAWN: She had you! It was either shoot through your leg or risk shooting you in the head!

80. RITA: [pained groan] Fair. That’s fair. 

81. NATE: Help her up Dawnie, we have to go. 

82. DAWN: Wait, where’d Carmilla go?

83. NATE: For reinforcements and to feed so she can heal that leg. Let’s move!

84. NARRATOR: Nate and Dawn helped Rita to her feet. The black smoke and blue light had begun seeping out of her leg. This shot was significantly worse than the last one. They had to hurry. In a passing glance, Dawn took notice of Rita’s expression. Something was wrong, and it wasn’t the gunshot wound. The mischievous sparkle in her eyes was gone. There was a vacancy where someone vibrant had resided. Dawn was worried about her friend. She didn’t have time to think about that. They had to run.

Nate lead them out of the large double doors that were the back entrance to the conference hall. Two vampires made eye contact with them down the hall. One of them was wielding a hand axe. 

85. (SOUND) shotgun cock

86. (SOUND) 3 magic gun blasts

87. (SOUND) One energy vampire die noise

88. DAWN: That one didn’t explode!

89. NATE: Regular vampire. You have to make it a head shot. The magic doesn’t just kill them like the energy vampires. 

90. (SOUND) Magic gun blast

91. DAWN: He’s too fast!

92. NATE: You can do it, kid. I’m out of bombs and holding up a six foot tall reaper. 

93. (SOUND) shotgun cock 

94. NARRATOR: Though Cabroncita didn’t seem to need ammo of any kind, she still had to cock the gun after every four shots. In the time it took to do that, the vampire had reached Nate and Rita. 

95. NATE: [pained noise of being hit] SHOOT HIM. 

96. DAWN: He’s too close! I’m gonna hit you or Rita.

97. NATE: Try it now!

98. NARRATOR: Nate leaned back, giving the vampire a swift kick to the gut. His magic boots struck the vampire with such strength, Dawn heard the visceral crunch of the vampire’s rib cage as it shattered at the site of impact. The force of the kick made Nate fall backwards, Rita tumbling along with him, her eyes still blank. The injured vampire was sent stumbling back several feet in the opposite direction.

99. (SOUND) magic gun blast

100. (SOUND) Gooshy blood puddle noise

101. DAWN: Oh, gross. 

102. NATE: [trying not to sound hurt] Yep, energy vampires go boom. Regular ones turn into blood sludge. 

103. (SOUND) Shouting at a distance down the hall

104. (SOUND) footsteps running down a hall

105. NATE: Come on. We’ve gotta hide.

106. NARRATOR: Dawn helped Rita to her feet. Her eyes were still blank. Something was seriously amiss. This was the longest Dawn had heard her go without talking since they met. Much like a shark who has to keep swimming or they’ll die, Dawn had assumed the same was true for Rita and talking. She didn’t have time to think about that right now. Nate must have been getting tired. He was moving a lot slower than before. When they reached the end of the hallway, he peeked inside the small window of a metal door on the right. He gave a small nod of approval. He raised one of his boots, and he kicked below the knob. It flew open, and the glass in the small window shattered. The three of them piled into the newly unlocked supply closet. 

107. NATE: Put this on the door. 

108. DAWN: What is this?

109. NATE: [hurt] Magic barricade. You’re gonna have about 10 minutes before they can break through it. It works like one of those “Do not disturb” cards at a hotel. Just slip it on the knob. The door should shut tight and click when it starts working. Your timer starts at that click sound. 

110. DAWN: Okay. Let me just-

111. (SOUND) click noise

112. DAWN: Got it. Now what do we do?

113. NATE: We’ve gotta find a way to get you out of here.

114. DAWN: You mean, “us?”

115. NATE: [hurt] No, kid. I mean you. I’m not gonna be here much longer. That vampire with the axe got a lucky swing.

116. NARRATOR: Nate parted the left side of his leather jacket to reveal a gash in his torso. His white t-shirt was soaked in blood. It was bad. Dawn was fairly certain she was looking at part of her uncle’s rib cage. He held back the urge to vomit.

117. DAWN: No! [crying] No!! I just got you back. No, no, no. You can’t die. Please don’t die. I can’t do this without you. 

118. NATE: [hurt] I promise that I’m not gonna die, but I need to tell you some stuff before I disappear.

119. DAWN: [crying] Disappear? What are you-

120. NATE: [hurt] My vitals are about to get low enough that this metal collar will take me back to the workshop. You know where that is?

121. DAWN: [crying] I don’t even know WHAT that is!

122. NATE: [hurt] Your mom didn’t even tell you that? [groan] God, Valeria was a piece of work. 

123. DAWN: No! I don’t know anything about this magic bullshit. I don’t know anything about a workshop. I don’t know what I’m doing, I can’t-

124. NATE: DAWNIE! I have to hurry. You’ve earned this meltdown, but you’re gonna have to put a pin in it. We’re artificers Dawnie. Your mom’s whole side of the family are artificers. There’s a magic workshop. That’s where I’ll be stuck until the next full moon. Your mom has specific instructions for getting there. It isn’t in one place. She should have a book in her trunk with the instructions on how to get there. If I don’t see you, I’m gonna try to find you on the next full moon. The book looks like-

125. NARRATOR: Before her uncle could finish his sentence, the green eye on his metal collar flashed an intense beam of green light, and he disappeared. 

126. DAWN: [frantic] No! Uncle Nate, please. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I can’t do this-

127. (SOUND) Banging on door

128. DAWN: Fuck. Rita, they found us. What are we gonna do? We have to get out of here. [pause] Rita! [pause] Rita?

129. (MUSIC) Interstitial

(AD REEL) 

SCENE TWO: Supply closet: 11:00 PM

1. (SOUND) hard slap

2. DAWN: RITA! We don’t have the fucking time for this! 

3. RITA: [hyperventilating] My leg. I...

4. DAWN: Shit! Sorry, dude. I totally forgot. 

5. (SOUND) Banging on door

6. DAWN: We don’t have time for me to do this the right way, so I’m just gonna keep you from exploding until we can get somewhere safe, okay? [pause] Hey? 

7. RITA: Okay...Sorry..okay.

8. (SOUND) Backpack unzip

9. (SOUND) Duct tape

10. (SOUND) Banging on door

11. NARRATOR: Dawn’s shaking fingers struggled to pull the duct tape off of the roll. She pulled off uneven strips of tape as best as she could to cover up Rita’s wound. She was just going to have to tape over her jeans. There was no time to have Rita get undressed and dressed again. The urgency of the situation made every second feel like ten seconds. Dawn wasn’t sure how much longer that magical barricade would last. She could have another nine minutes. She could have another 30 seconds. She didn’t know.

12. DAWN: I don’t see anymore smoke, so that’s gonna have to do for now. [pause] How are we gonna get out of here? Where are we gonna go once we do? 

13. RITA: [panicked] I’m such a fuck up. I’m so fucking useless. I-

14. (SOUND) banging on door

15. DAWN: No! No you’re not! Listen, I know you’re going through it right now, but we really don’t have the time. 

16. RITA: I’m supposed to keep you safe! Look at us! 

17. DAWN: This is my garbage! I got you into this! This is not normal Lucky Winner stuff!

18. RITA: I’m thinking! I’m trying to think. God, I’m so stupid. 

19. (SOUND) Banging on door 

20. DAWN: We’re gonna get out of this. 

21. RITA: I hope they kill me.

22. DAWN: What?

23. RITA: The DMV. I hope they kill me for this. 

24. (SOUND) Banging on door 

25. DAWN: You don’t meant that. 

26. RITA: I do! I can’t go back to hell, Dawn. I WON’T GO BACK. 

27. (SOUND) Rewind noise

28. (SOUND) hospital ambient noise 

29. DOCTOR: Okay, next to share is Devlin. Devlin, do you feel like sharing with us today?

30. DEVLIN: [nervous] Uh...yeah. So, I’ve been doing a shitty job of accepting who I am since I got here. 

31. DOCTOR: Hold on, Devlin. Are you working on accepting who you are?

32. DEVLIN: Yes. 

33. DOCTOR: Then I’d say you’re doing a great job. Please, continue. 

34. DEVLIN: So I’ve been doing a GREAT job working on accepting myself since I got here.

35. DOCTOR: Mmhmm.

36. DEVLIN: And last night, after dinner...I...I looked at myself in the mirror. 

37. DOCTOR: And who did you see, Devlin?

38. DEVLIN: Me! Not this me I’m pretending to be now. Not this character I hide behind. It was the real me. I hadn’t seen that person in about a million years.

39. DOCTOR: And are you being your authentic self right now?

40. DEVLIN: I-uh. No. I...It’s hard when...It was just me in my room last-

41. DOCTOR: You don’t have to explain yourself! You made progress by yourself, and someday, you’ll feel comfortable being the real you in a group setting, like this. You’ve made huge progress, Dev. Everyone, can we give Devlin some snaps for sharing?

42. (SOUND) A dozen hands snapping

43. PATIENT 1: Great job, Dev!

44. PATIENT 2: Good work!

45. PATIENT 3: We’re so proud of you!

46. PATIENT 4: Way to go, Devlin!

47. RITA: Suck a wet fart out of my dirty asshole, DEVLIN.

48. (PAUSE) Everyone gets quiet

49. DOCTOR: I’m sorry, Rita. What did you just say?

50. RITA: I said, Devlin here can suck a wet fart out of my dirty asshole. 

51. DOCTOR: That’s not constructive, Rita. Why are you using destructive language in this constructive space?

52. RITA: Why are you wasting your time acting like anyone here is really a patient but me? Everyone else in this Kumbaya circle is a mimic demon.

53. DOCTOR: Let’s evaluate what you said. It’s an interesting language choice. 

54. RITA: I’ve got some more interesting language choices to share with you, if you’d like. 

55. DOCTOR: I don’t mean the vulgarity of the phrase, I mean the literal aspects of it. Wet farts and dirty assholes are both things you don’t have.

56. RITA: Really? I can fucking show you both right now. 

57. DOCTOR: But that’s all a facade, isn’t it? This form your in right now, this human shape, that’s not what you are. You’re a different thing entirely. 

58. RITA: I’m not a “thing”. 

59. DOCTOR: But you are. You were constructed for a job, and you aren’t doing that job well. You are a faulty piece of machinery. But you choose to take this human form. Why is that?

60. RITA: There is nothing wrong with me.

61. DOCTOR: You wouldn’t have been sent here for rehabilitation if you were functioning within your normal operating parameters. 

62. RITA: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. 

63. DOCTOR: There’s no need to raise your voice, Rita. 

64. RITA: I’m not some fucking mimic demon who can’t change out of a disguise! 

65. DOCTOR: No, you’re not a mimic demon. You ARE a reaper who won’t change out of its human disguise, and you’ve cheated your way into being on earth repeatedly, causing-

66. (RITA SCARY FILTER)

67. RITA: I’M NOT AN “IT”, I’M A PERSON. 

68. DOCTOR: Rita, nobody in this hell dimension is a person. We are not “people”. You are not a person. 

69. (SOUND) Chair being thrown 

70. (SOUND) Group members gasp

71. RITA: Yeah? Well these “not a person” hands are gonna beat your squishy mimic demon sack into a new shape, motherfucker.

72. (SOUND) Monster Shriek

73. (SOUND) BAMF

74. RITA: [tearful] No...what? What have you?

75. DOCTOR: I’ve forced you into your true form. I’m sorry. Normally, we let the patient make the choice to be themselves again, but your hostility has left me no choice. 

76. RITA: [tearful] No, please. I don’t want to be like this, don’t-

77. DOCTOR: I think I’ll send you back to your room for some alone time as well. We need to let you calm down. 

78. RITA: No, I can’t. Not like this. I can’t be stuck like this. I can’t change back. Why can’t I change back?

79. DOCTOR: Hmmm...I think 1,000 years alone time should cover it, don’t you? That should be plenty of time to reflect on what you really are.

80. RITA: [crying] Please. Just decommission me. 

81. (VOCAL EFFECT) for DOCTOR. Demon. 

82. DOCTOR: [intense] No, that would be letting you off the hook too easily. 

83. RITA: [crying]

84. DOCTOR: [intense] Now, time for you to pop off to your room. I’ll see you in a millennium! 

85. (VOCAL EFFECT) for DOCTOR. Demon- END

86. RITA: No!!!

87. DOCTOR: Peace and light!

88. (SOUND) Rita BAMF

89. (SOUND) Rewind noise

90. (Music) Interstitial

SCENE THREE: Supply Closet: 11:05

1. DAWN: Rita! Come back to reality. If you’re really worried about me getting killed, and going to hell, you need to be present right now. 

2. RITA: Oh-okay. I...Okay

3. DAWN: How are we gonna get out of here?

4. RITA: I-I don’t. I can’t

5. (SOUND) Banging on door

6. DAWN: Dude, I know you’re scared. I am too. But we have to keep it together for just a little bit so we both don’t die. 

7. RITA: What-what should I?

8. (SOUND) Banging on door

9. DAWN: [sigh] I hate to suggest it, and it’s a bad idea, but it’s the only one I’ve got. You need to poof us somewhere safe.

10. RITA: The-the truck.

11. DAWN: I don’t know if the vampires have found the ice cream truck. It may not be safe right now. We can come back for it. We just need somewhere safe. Anywhere.

12. (SOUND) Banging on door

13. RITA: [still having trouble breathing] Apartment?

14. DAWN: Carmilla figured out who I am. That may not be safe right now either. We need someplace to go where I can take care of your leg a little better too. 

15. (SOUND) Banging on door, louder

16. DAWN: Rita! They’re gonna bust in here any second. We HAVE to go. Come on. You can do this. Think of somewhere safe. 

17. NARRATOR: With her arm that wasn’t holding Cabroncita, Dawn gently pulled Rita’s head into an embrace. Her forehead rested on Dawn’s shoulder. Dawn felt warm tears roll onto her shirt. 

18. DAWN: I trust you. Poof us somewhere safe. We’re gonna be fine. 

19. (SOUND) BAMF

20. NARRATOR: Rita wrapped her long arms around Dawn’s body.   Dawn felt a rush of air as they plummeted through the vortex of a poof. It wasn’t as scary as the first time. Now that she knew what was happening, Dawn took the time to look around. She marveled at the streaks of yellow, blue, and green that whizzed past them. She noticed gaseous pink nebulas floating in the distance. That’s when the unexpected happened. They took a turn, a sharp turn. 

21. (SOUND) Thud of bodies hitting the ground

22. (SOUND) Nature sounds

23. (SOUND) Bus idling

24. RITA: Owww.

25. DAWN: Ouchhhh. You didn’t nail the landing, but at least you got us out of there. Good job, bud. 

26. SUNNY: Whoaaaa...far out! I think those shrooms are kicking in.

27. DAWN: SUNNY?!

28. SUNNY: Whoa? You know my name?

29. (SOUND) skin slap

30. SUNNY: Whoaaaa...You even feel real.

31. DAWN: I-I am real. I’m your friend. We-

32. RITA: DAWN! Doesn’t she look vital? Don’t you just LOVE her flower crown and tie-dye shirt. Can’t you just see the LIFE in her eyes? 

33. DAWN: [realizing this is human Sunny] OH! Ohhhh!! Umm...Sunny, we-

34. SUNNY: So if YOU’RE real, this tall babe is real too?

35. (SOUND) Skin slap

36. RITA: [startled] Oop! You certainly are handsy in this decade.

37. SUNNY: In this decade? [giggles] You must be tripping harder than I am. Oh no, you didn’t take the brown acid, did you?

38. RITA: No, Sunshine. We’re stone cold sober right now, but if you HAD any brown acid, I’d love to-

39. SUNNY: Whoa, is that a gun? I do not dig that at all.

40. DAWN: We were...I was...hunting?

41. SUNNY: So not enlightened. You have to step out of your carnist thinking! Like would you eat a dog?

42. DAWN: No. 

43. SUNNY: Then, like, how is a deer any different? You dig? What gives you the right to take their life?

44. DAWN: I didn’t mean we were hunting animals...we were..

45. RITA: We were hunting the most dangerous game of all: Man.

46. SUNNY: And deer are such spiritual creatures. Do you believe in reincarnation? [pause] Hold on...How did you two know my name? Have we met?

47. DAWN: Sunny! We met a little while ago. Don’t you remember?

48. (SOUND) skin slap

49. RITA: Ope! Now she’s petting my mohawk. [HNG] Don’t get turned on right now. This is not the right time. 

50. SUNNY: I don’t remember, which is a shame, because YOU are PRETTY. [giggly horny noises] Your hair is so neat. Are you with a women’s lib group?

51. RITA: [nervous giggling] Yeah, sure. I love libbing women.

52. DAWN: Sunny, I’m Dawn, and this is Rita. 

53. SUNNY: Groovy. [chuckle] Sunny and Dawn. We sound like a musical act! Oh my goddess, can you play a sitar?

54. DAWN: Sunny, where are we?

55. SUNNY: Did you not come on the bus? [aside to Rita] Your shirt is SO RED. Can I touch it?

56. RITA: Touch away, gorgeous.

57. DAWN: What bus? 

58. SUNNY: That one over there, silly! We’re going to the commune!

59. RITA: [hng] Oop, she found one of my nipples. Let’s save that kind of touching for when you’re sober, huh? 

60. DAWN: [clearly lying] Oh, the commune! Sure. I remember you telling us about that. 

61. SUNNY: I did? 

62. DAWN: Yeah, but can you remind us where it’s going? And maybe the name of the commune? 

63. SUNNY: We’re headed back to the farm in Tyler. We’re the Servants of the Mother commune. We’ve been at Hippie Hollow all weekend. [pause] How did you get here if you weren’t on the- I feel like I’d remember someone who looks as wild as you. 

64. RITA: Thanks, babe. 

65. DAWN: Sunny, why don’t you go save us a couple seats on the bus? You don’t want to get left behind because you were distracted from the shrooms. 

66. (SOUND) skin slap

67. DAWN: Ow.

68. SUNNY: You have a beautiful, blue aura, Dawn. Of course, you would be thinking of my safety. I’ll save us some seats. 

69. DAWN: Thanks for that, you-

70. SUNNY: And you, is your shirt for real?

71. RITA: My shirt? Oh! Jesus, this was not the shirt to wear in the 60’s, huh?

72. SUNNY: [reading] “Hold my beer while I fuck your girlfriend” 

73. RITA: Yeah, uhhh. That’s uhh. It’s-

74. SUNNY: You really like girls? Are you a...you know...”Lavender Menace”?

75. RITA: I’m an equal opportunity employer. 

76. SUNNY: I-was that a yes? 

77. RITA: Yes. 

78. SUNNY: [giggle] Well, so do I. And you have a red aura. [suggestive tone] Everyone knows what that means. [seductive stage whisper at RITA] I’ll save you a seat next to me. 

79. (SOUND) footsteps on grass walking away

80. RITA: Hey, what does a red aura mean?

81. (SOUND) slap

82. DAWN: Where the fuck did you poof us too?!

83. RITA: Oh. [pause] Ohhhhh, god. The reality of my fuck up is sinking in now that Sunny isn’t fondling me. 

84. DAWN: What happened?

85. RITA: YOU SAID TO THINK OF SOMEPLACE SAFE, AND SUNNY WAS  ALL I THOUGHT ABOUT.

86. DAWN: DID YOU FORGET WHAT CENTURY WE WERE IN AGAIN?

87. RITA: CAN YOU TELEPORT IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANIC ATTACK, WHILE VAMPIRES ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU?

88. DAWN: Poof us back. POOF US BACK. We could mess up the timeline, if we haven’t already.

89. RITA: I- [strained noise]. I just-[strained noise like she’s gonna shit herself]. Oh GODDDDD. THEY’RE FOR REAL GONNA DECOMMISSION ME OR SEND ME TO HELL. 

90. DAWN: What? Why?

91. RITA: I can’t poof! I think I’m only approved to use my powers in your time while I’m chaperoning. It’s like they froze my credit cards. I’m useless. 

92. DAWN: So we’re stuck in the 60’s?

93. RITA: Even worse. I’m stuck in the 60’s with a shirt that says “Hold my beer while I fuck your girlfriend”. 

94. DAWN: That’s my shirt you destroyed! And you-

95. RITA: Are we really gonna argue about a FUCKING shirt right now? Need I remind you that this is the 60’s, and you’re a Brown woman holding a sawed off shotgun, IN EAST TEXAS!

96. DAWN: FUCK! THAT’S BAD IN MY CENTURY TOO!

97. RITA: I FUCKING KNOW, DUDE! How am I gonna keep you safe like this? I can’t even-

98. CRAWFORD: [from a distance] Back on the bus, brothers and sisters! Mother is waiting on the farm, and we have a lot of work to do before the ceremony. 

99. RITA: [calm again] Was that guy with the beard?

100. DAWN: And the bell bottoms.

101. RITA: Was that who it sounded like?

102. DAWN: That was Trapper Crawford. 

103. RITA: So he’s a vampire too. 

104. DAWN: Do you think he could be the one who-

105. RITA: Who turns her?

106. DAWN: Yeah.

107. RITA: Looks like it. Come on. 

108. DAWN: What? What are we doing. 

109. RITA: We’re getting on that bus. 

110. DAWN: Yeah? And then what? 

111. RITA: And then I kill that piece of shit before he can lay his fucking hands on my Sunshine. 

112. (MUSIC) OUTTRO