Uncle Nate’s Grilled Cheese Sandwich Special Pt.1

The gals finally have their full moon appointment. Dawn meets an old friend, which is weird, given that her only friends are Rita and Sunny.  Flashback to the turn of the century, where the Fruitopia flowed like water.

P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 7? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!


A special thanks to our consultants. One wishes to be anonymous (still invaluable!), and the other is Taryn Gray.

This episode deals with asexuality. Since nobody in the cast is asexual, we wanted to make sure we didn’t mess it up.  Thank you so much to our consultants for their candor and their time.

Taryn Gray is an artist, originally from Texas, now living in Oregon, whose pronouns are she/her. She loves Dungeons and Dragons, writing romances about giant monsters and playing video games.

Be sure to check out her art channel on YouTube and her Instagram
http://instagram.com/tarynmgray
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCVwbVh-SRJkaq3Vr5hVLIFw

Cast:
Narrator, Dad, Lukas, Spunk - Sean Turner @seanwkturner
Dawn - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid
Nate, Announcer -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale
Angle, Carmilla - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222
Rita, Puffy, Billy - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Writer, Director, Assistant Editor
Brianne Leeson

Editor
James Leeson

Original music written and performed by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Email: Luckywinnershow@gmail.com

Transcript

Rating Introduction:

1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.

Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 

Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 

Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for you. 

SCENE ONE: Afternoon: Dawn’s Apartment

(SOUND) Banging on bathroom door 

1. DAWN: [from other side of door] Rita, what are you doing?

2. RITA: Uhhh...Pooping?

3. PUFFY: Let’s see: stakes, cross, holy water...Oh no!

4. ANGLE: What is it, Puffy?

5. PUFFY: I’m totally wigging, Angle. I forgot my garlic!

6. DAWN: You don’t poop! GET OUT. I need to shower

7. (SOUND) banging on bathroom door

8. RITA: I CAN’T FINISH WHEN YOU’RE YELLING AT ME!

9. ANGLE: Oh no, you mean the bulb of garlic you keep in your butt while you’re looking for vampires to lick?

10. DAWN: Finish? Finish what? 

11. PUFFY: Totally! Now some nasty vampire could come out of the shadows and eat my butt.

12. RITA: My makeup!

13. ANGLE: [sad] If I ate your butt, I’d lose my soul. 

14. DAWN: You only wear lipstick, and I’m pretty sure that just magically appears on your face. [pause] Hold on, where’s my laptop.

15. PUFFY: Yes. That village cursed you for eating too many of their butts. 

16. DAWN: What’s that sound? [pause to listen at door] Did you take my laptop to watch vampire themed porn in the bathroom again?!

17. RITA: NO! GO AWAY!

18. (SOUND) banging on door 

19. DAWN: IT’S ALMOST SUNDOWN, WE HAVE TO GO!

20. SPUNK: But I don’t have a soul to lose. I’m gonna eat you, Puffy. I reckon’ I’ll start with your garlic free arse. 

21. (SOUND) banging on door

22. PUFFY: [gasp] It’s Spunk, the Vampire!

23. DAWN: Fine! You’ve forced my hand.

24. ANGLE: You’re gonna have to get through my ass to eat hers!

25. RITA: [annoyed, horny] What does that mean? Just give me ten minutes.

26. SPUNK: Yeah, Okay.

27. (SOUND)Key in lock 

28. ANGLE: [make out noises]

29. SPUNK: [make out noises]

30. (SOUND) door opens

31. RITA: Ahhh!

32. (SOUND) Rita BAMF

33. DAWN: There’s a key on the door frame, dumbass. You can’t just poof your way out and pretend you didn’t get caught.

34. RITA: [from the other room] Huh, caught doing what?

35. DAWN: Oh, god damn it! Again with the vampire porn! JUST ASK SUNNY ON A DATE ALREADY. 

36. RITA: Vampire what? What are you on about?

37. DAWN: Are you trying to gaslight me into thinking I didn’t watch you watching porn, when my laptop is still open to...[pause] Puffy the Vampire Licker?

38. RITA: Uhhh...no? Hurry up and shower so we can go.

39. DAWN: I’ll be done in a sec, but you need to get dressed.

40. RITA: I am dressed.

41. DAWN: You left your pants in here when you weren’t watching vampire porn. 

42. RITA: [giggles] Whoops.

43. (MUSIC) Intro

SCENE TWO: Ice cream truck, Lone Star Digital Assets: Evening

1. DAWN: I hope we’re not late. That note on the flash drive just said “full moon”. I figured that just means nightfall. 

2. RITA: Oh my GOD, I didn’t make us late.

3. DAWN: You can magically poof your clothes on, and you tore through my closet looking for a shirt to borrow. 

4. RITA: I wanted something non magical!

5. DAWN: You’re like a foot taller than me.

6. RITA: I wanted a crop top!

7. DAWN: Did...Did you write on my t-shirt?

8. RITA: Yes, but I just used the markers on your desk. They’re washable. 

9. DAWN: No. No they’re not. 

10. RITA: My bad. You want it back?

11. DAWN: No. “Hold my beer while I fuck your girlfriend,” is not a phrase I would wear on a shirt. It’s yours now. 

12. RITA: I’ll trade you my “cult leader” shirt for this one. 

13. DAWN: Pass. Now, pay attention. We have to keep an eye on the building.

14. RITA: Is this the place that makes those calculators with games on them?

15. DAWN: Different place. This is a data warehouse. They work with different app developers who data mine from their users. There are about a dozen different companies who compile their data here. 

16. RITA: I understand most of those words individually, but I have no idea what you just said. 

17. DAWN: Apps take your information.

18. RITA: Okay.

19. DAWN: They use that information to sell you things and influence elections. 

20. RITA: Yes. 

21. DAWN: This place is where a bunch of different app developers and other companies store that data.

22. RITA: [incredulous] Okay?

23. DAWN: [condescending] They share. Sharing is caring. They share information here. Sharing data make algorithms STRONG. 

24. RITA: Huh. Okay. [pause] Why are we here?

25. DAWN: That’s what we’re trying to find out. And why the full moon? 

26. RITA: Don’t you witches charge your crystals or your phones or whatever in the full moon?

27. DAWN: I don’t practice witchcraft. I don’t know why the rider thought I was a witch. I was probably still tripping when I even entertained that connection between me and the other weird deaths. 

28. RITA: You don’t have to practice witchcraft to be a witch. 

29. DAWN: Isn’t that the whole thing? 

30. RITA: Witch is a blanket term for magically adept people. The longer a family line practices their particular craft, the more powerful the people in their family line get. 

31. DAWN: Magic is genetic?

32. RITA: Not actual genetics, but same concept. It works with adopted kids as well. I think it’s a nurture thing and not a nature thing. 

33. DAWN: I’ll accept that my mom was probably into something, given the magic sawed off shotgun in the back of my truck right now, but she never raised me practicing witchcraft. 

34. RITA: Magic doesn’t have to look like that white girl, who bought crystals online, culturally appropriating ceremonies she doesn’t understand. 

35. DAWN: Point being?

36. RITA: You might not have realized you were practicing magic. Some of the most powerful stuff comes from the mundane. Have you ever had a meal so good, you feel like it fed more than just your tummy? Like you could have all the same ingredients, try to make it yourself, but it never comes out as good as when that ONE person makes it for you.

37. DAWN: Definitely. My uncle Nate used to watch me after school on Fridays, and he’d make me a grilled cheese sandwich on Texas toast every week. He showed me how to make it. I’ve tried to make it, and it’s never as good. I can still conjure up the flavor, and I haven’t had one since I was 12.

38. RITA: Your uncle was a witch.

39. DAWN: If you told me that a few days ago, I wouldn’t have believed you, but you may be right.

40. RITA: Lots of chefs are witches. Artists. Musicians. A good chunk of them don’t even realize it.

41. (SOUND) Big outer door opening and closing, hear from inside ice cream truck. 

42. DAWN: Hey, we’ve got movement.

43. RITA: It’s just someone going out for a smoke.

44. DAWN: They came out of a service door. They probably work here. 

45. RITA: Woo. Exhilarating stake out. This is definitely how I want to spend this evening.  

46. DAWN: It’s the only person we’ve seen in the 45 minutes we’ve been here. 

47. RITA: Oh! Hold on, hey! There’s another person.

48. DAWN: Where?

49. RITA: Walking around from the back of the building over there. See?

50. DAWN: Shit, even with these binoculars, I can’t make out a face. They’re too far from the flood lights, and their hood is up. 

51. RITA: Whoa, that smoking person has a juicy little ass. Get a load of that sweet little dumper.

52. DAWN: Gross, Dumper? Can you think about anything else for five minu- Oh! Hold on. The hooded person is sneaking up on them. 

53. RITA: Maybe they’re buds, and it’s a prank! I love seeing people get spooked. I hope the smoker punches them and realizes it’s their friend. I love videos where spooker gets punched in the face by the spookee. 

54. DAWN: They’re reaching for something. It’s a-

55. (SOUND) Magic gun, same as Cabroncita (from a distance)

56. (SOUND) Energy vampire dying noise (from a distance)

57. DAWN: The hooded person just- they shot- he shot the smoker and the whole person just- 

58. RITA: The Spookee exploded into blue light and disappeared. 

59. DAWN: YES!

60. RITA: Jesus forklifting Christ. Do I have an unconscious  thing for vampires? Am I attracted to the most forbidden of snacks? 

61. DAWN: What? What do you mean?

62. RITA: That juicy assed, smoking spookee was an energy vampire.

63. (MUSIC) Interstitial 

SCENE THREE: Dad/Billy PSA: Daytime

1. (SOUND) Old film crackle throughout

2. DAD: Billy! What are you doing, son? Why aren’t you outside working on that curveball of yours. 

3. BILLY: [dejected] It’s a waste of time. I’m just gonna sit in here and watch the boob tube. 

4. DAD: Why do you think it’s a waste of time, Slugger?

5. BILLY: Donny McKinney rode by on his bike, and he told me that it was real swell that I was practicing. 

6. DAD: How nice of little Donny!

7. BILLY: He said it was swell because it takes a lot of guts to try out for the team, when I know they’d never let a shrimp like me play.

8. DAD: That little Commie bastard!

9. BILLY: After he said that, he smiled real big at me and rode away. Then, I just got real tired, Pop. 

10. DAD: Oh, champ. Have you lost the will to play ball?

11. BILLY: And to live!

12. DAD: Oh, shucks. I should have known!

13. BILLY: Known what, dad?

14. DAD: That McKinney boy is an energy vampire!

15. (MUSIC) Jaunty PSA Jingle

16. ANNOUNCER: So, you want to know about energy vampires?!

Energy vampires suck [pause] your soul right out of your body- and I don’t mean that in the Biblical way. 

Have you ever had someone say something to you that stuck in your head all day? Something like, “You’re so brave for wearing that bikini!” Or even a, “I didn’t expect them to give YOU that promotion!” 

Did that comment come to the surface every time you were alone with your own thoughts? Did you change the way you were living your life because of it? If you answered yes to either of these questions, you may have just fed the most dangerous of parasites: an energy vampire!

While your classic vampire steals your soul to feed their demonic overlord by drinking your blood, energy vampires work a little differently. 

Though they evolved from the first vampires created by the demon Ambrogio, energy vampires bare little resemblance to their blood sucking cousins. 

When they feed, energy vampires make a calculated verbal strike to set up residence in your mind. That strike generally perpetrated through a scathing comment. Since they don’t need to be present to feed, they can take on  numerous prey at once.

When you dwell on these comments and let them affect your life, the energy vampire takes bits of your soul. 

Since the methods of energy vampires are covert, and don’t often kill the human that they attack, it’s given them an evolutionary advantage over the blood sucking variety. Since they don’t leave a trail of bodies, they are not as easily discovered by vampire hunters. 

While classic vampires serve their demon lord Ambrogio, energy vampires serve the demon queen Vidella. Vidella saw what Ambrogio had done with his vampire spawn, and she recognized it as an opportunity for herself. She gave some of her blood to one of Ambrogio’s vampire offspring. That hybrid abomination created the energy vampires we see today. 

The energy vampire creates an issue for those in the afterlife departments, particularly, the DMV. Their job is to keep the soul energy between dimensions in a constant equilibrium, lest an imbalance rip apart the walls between these dimensions. Generally, they handle mishaps and violent deaths where an entire entity has died.

Energy vampire attacks are classified as an act of violence, but they rarely kill their prey. The department usually exchanges souls at a one to one exchange rate. Since energy vampires only take a portion of a soul at a time, this creates an energy discrepancy. 

This is why any creature that a reaper kills with their scythe while on earth has its energy chopped to bits and redistributed on earth, in a less threatening vessel. That redistributed energy gets turned into small pests, like wasps, roaches, and mosquitos. This helps balance the energy discrepancy created by energy vampires, preventing total collapse of the earthly plane into a hell dimension. 

So you may be asking, how do you kill an energy vampire? Here’s the list!

1. A magical weapon forged by a witch, who is, at a minimum, a fifth generation practitioner of the occult arts. 

2. Two? There’s no number two on this list. [clearly shaken, upset, trying to maintain, aside to producer] Johnny? Is there a mistake on the copy here? No? How is that possible? They can’t even kill each other? There have to be so many of them. Sweet Jesus. Oh, fucking hell. [stressed noise] God, this is going to keep me up all night. [pause] Hold on, am I feeding one right now? It’s all I can think about. Johnny? Why are you smiling, Johnny? JOHNNY?! OH GOD, HE’S-

17. (MUSIC) Jaunty PSA stops

18. DAD: So you see, son. It’s not your fault that you feel crummy! [short pause] Now, get your shoes on. I’m going downstairs to call your history teacher. 

19. BILLY: Why, Pop?

20. DAD: She’s a powerful sorceress, and we’re gonna need her to let us borrow a weapon to kill the McKinney boy. Hurry, now! If we get done soon enough, I’ll take you to the soda fountain for a chocolate egg cream!

21. BILLY: Oh, boy! The promise of taking a life sure has made me feel a lot better already.

22. DAD: I’m glad, son. I’m glad. 

23. (SOUND) Record scratch

24. DAWN: So what you’re saying, is that Cabroncita is our only protection from an energy vampire, if we go in there. 

25. RITA: That, and my scythe.

26. DAWN: A witch forged it?

27. RITA: Yep. The DMV works with outside contractors for weapons. Merlin made my scythe.

28. DAWN: [nerd excitement] Merlin?! That’s fucking cool. [pause] Wait, how can that be, logistically speaking. Haven’t you been reaping since the dinosaurs?

29. RITA: Haven’t you learned that all time happens at once?

30. DAWN: Fine. We’ll come back to Merlin later. Should we check it out?

31. RITA: [genuinely scared] We shouldn’t, but I think we’re gonna. 

32. DAWN: You sound genuinely anxious. You okay?

33. RITA: Not particularly. If I get caught meddling too much, or I get you killed, I’m gonna be in serious trouble. 

34. DAWN: I-I’m sorry. I remember Kyle said something about decommissioning you. I’ve been so preoccupied with not going to hell, I forgot that you’d face something worse.

35. RITA: Yours is definitely worse. I’d much rather be decommissioned than get sent to a hell dimension again. 

36. DAWN: You wanna talk about it?

37. RITA: Not even a little. Let’s sneak in the back before I change my mind. 

38. NARRATOR: Dawn and Rita grabbed their gear in preparation for the unknown. Dawn slung her backpack over her shoulders as they made their way from the ice cream truck. She didn’t quite know what to bring when she packed earlier. She felt she had to pack SOMETHING for a stakeout. That’s how she ended up carrying a backpack filled with 8 rolls of duct tape, a jar of peanut butter, a Calling Candle, and her laptop. She wasn’t sure how to carry Cabroncita either. She hadn’t shot a gun since she was a child. Her mom had her shoot her grandpa’s old 9mil at some cans when she was 6. After that, She was too afraid of guns to ever touch one, which was her mom’s entire reason for taking a 6 year old to shoot a handgun. She was going to have to get over that, and fast. 

39. DAWN: Look, the Spooker stuck a brick here as a doorstop. 

40. RITA: Why?

41. DAWN: It looks like they used the Spookee’s key card to get back into the building. Maybe they’re not alone. They could have left it cracked for backup. [pause] Are we scared of the Spooker?

42. RITA: It takes pretty powerful magic to make a gun that could blast an energy vampire into oblivion like that. Being a witch doesn’t necessarily mean they’re our friend. I will remain scared until further notice. 

43. DAWN: Let’s just get inside and toss the brick. I don’t know what the camera situation is out here, and I don’t think we need to be lingering anywhere for long. 

44. (SOUND) METAL CLANG

45. NARRATOR: As they entered the building, they found themselves in an industrial looking hallway. The walls and floors were cement, and several metal doors with key card locks lined the hall. Rita tossed the brick outside. She tossed it directly at the dumpster beside the door. The metal clang that resulted from this made Dawn’s stomach feel like it was going to fall out of her ass. 

46. RITA: Whoops!

47. (SOUND) Slap

48. RITA: Ouch!

49. DAWN: [stage whisper] Can you fucking keep it down?

50. RITA: [stage whisper] Not if you slap the back of my head, I can’t!

51. DAWN: [stager whisper] Listen here, neither of us want to go to hell, so if you don’t-

52. (SOUND) Metal door open/close

53. (SOUND) gentle footsteps down hallway

54. RITA: [stage whisper] I definitely don’t! One of us here has already been to hell, and it’s not-

55. DAWN: [stage whisper] One of us has ONE JOB, and it’s protecting the other one. And making loud noises for fun doesn’t-

56. RITA: It was an accident!

57. DAWN: SHHH!

58. RITA: Don’t you fucking shush me!

59. DAWN: SHHHH! SHHH! SHHHH!

60. RITA: Ohhhhhh, I swear to god, if I didn’t have to stay within 100 yards of you, I’d-

61. DAWN: [stage whisper] You’d what? Huh? What would you-

62. NATE: Do you two want to finish this argument and get caught, or do you want to save this for when you aren’t in building full of vampires.

63. RITA: [gasp]

64. DAWN: [gasp]

65. RITA: Watch out, Lil’ Buddy! It’s the Spooker! 

66. DAWN: He’s...that’s-

67. RITA: He’s kinda cute. 

68. DAWN: Gross.

69. NATE: I ain’t buying what you’re selling, reaper. 

70. RITA: Respect. More chicks for me. 

71. DAWN: You’re. I?

72. NATE: Hey, miss thing. 

73. RITA: You know this mans?

74. DAWN: That’s my uncle.

75. RITA: I thought he was dead?

76. NATE: I am, sort of. Most of the time. 

77. (MUSIC) Interstitial

SCENE FOUR: Flashback: About 4:30, Nate’s apartment

1. (SOUND) Rewind noise

2. (SOUND) Audio editing to make Emma sound like a kid? Is that possible? 

3. NATE: Okay, Miss thing. What do you want to drink? We have...Clamato.

4. DAWN: Gross!

5. NATE: We have...prune juice.

6. DAWN: Stop! What do you really have?

7. NATE: We have...goat’s milk.

8. DAWN: I’d rather be dehydrated.

9. NATE: Then I guess I have to drink all of this Fruitopia by myself?

10. DAWN: [excited gasp] Gimme!

11. (SOUND) Drink lid pop

12. (SOUND) Spatula on pan

13. (SOUND) Grilled cheese plopped on plate

14. NATE: Order up! Uncle Nate’s Grilled Cheese Special. 

15. DAWN: [mouth full of grilled cheese] I will never get tired of your grilled cheese sandwiches or Fruitopia. 

16. NATE: Happy with the grilled cheese?

17. DAWN: Yeah.

18. NATE: Need another frosty Fruitopia?

19. DAWN: I’m good for now. 

20. NATE: Good, because I need to have a talk with you before your mom comes to pick you up.

21. DAWN: Oh no! Are you dying?

22. NATE: Everyone is, all the time. But no, not in the sense you mean. 

23. DAWN: What is it?

24. NATE: Your mom is kind of being a bitch.

25. DAWN: [snort, giggle at the word bitch] I’m gonna tell mom you called her a B-I-T-C-H. 

26. NATE: Go ahead! She’s my sister. I’ve called her a lot worse. 

27. DAWN: What did mom do?

28. NATE: You know Mr. Flores?

29. DAWN: The guy mom rents her commercial kitchen from?

30. NATE: Yes. You know his son, Junior?

31. DAWN: Blech, yeah. He’s in my English class. 

32. NATE: Your mom is going to “surprise” you by buying you a dress, and having Junior and his dad pick you up for the 7th grade fall dance next month. She thought it was a good idea, since that’s the weekend you turn 13. 

33. DAWN: [frantic] What? No! I don’t want to even go to the dance! Why? She didn’t even ask me!

34. NATE: Exactly, which is why I called her a B-I-T-C-H. 

35. DAWN: Why would she do that?

36. NATE: Well, honey. That’s something else I wanted to talk to you about. 

37. DAWN: Okay?

38. NATE: Your mom has noticed that you seem to have stopped  hanging out with your friends from elementary school.

39. DAWN: I-I just. Middle school is-

40. NATE: Middle school sucks. I agree. [pause] Your mom has also noticed that you don’t seem to be interested in boys, like the other girls. She’s also noticed you don’t call your friends from elementary school anymore. She wanted to throw you a 13th birthday party next month, but she couldn’t think of anyone to invite.

41. DAWN: It’s...I just...I don’t care about boys and- 

42. NATE: That’s fair! I wish I didn’t like boys as much as I do sometimes. We kind of suck. [pause] But I have a theory about you. You don’t have to say anything, but I’m going to tell you what I think.

43. DAWN: Okay.

44. NATE: I think you stopped hanging out with your girlfriends from elementary school, because they’re too concerned with liking boys right now. 

45. DAWN: Yeah, kind of.

46. NATE: I think you stopped hanging out with your little dude friend Mitchell, because he told you he like-liked you. 

47. DAWN: How did you know?!

48. NATE: An uncle just knows things, sometimes. [pause] And I think that you’re confused, because you don’t like boys that way, and you don’t like girls that way either, and the world around you is telling you that you HAVE to have a crush on someone. 

49. DAWN: I-I didn’t-

50. NATE: Mija, you don’t have to say anything. You’re 12. You don’t have to have it all figured out.

51. DAWN: I’m almost 13. 

52. NATE: And you could be 33, and you don’t have to have it all figured out! [pause] My point is, there’s a term called “asexual”. I don’t know if you’ll identify with that later. I don’t know if you’ll care about romance or having kids later. But, I know that a kid with no interest in boys shouldn’t be forced to go to a dance with a boy, just to make her mom feel better. 

53. DAWN: Maybe mom will stop worrying about me if I do. 

54. NATE: Maybe that’s your mom’s problem and not yours! There’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do. You could put yourself in dangerous situations that way. Worry about your own happiness, not your mom’s. 

55. DAWN: I know she loves me, but sometimes she makes me feel like a weirdo. Like I’m broken because I’m not boy crazy. 

56. NATE: You’re not a weirdo! You can have a beautiful, exciting life without romantic love. 

57. DAWN: Mom says...

58. NATE: Fuck what your mom says!

59. DAWN: [gasp] You said the really bad word!

60. NATE: And I mean it! Romantic love gets the most publicity, but you can still fall in love. 

61. DAWN: I can?

62. NATE: Yeah! With friends, with a place, with art. [pause] Don’t get me wrong, I love Miguel, but I’ve fallen in non-romantic love several times. I love my best friends. I love being a mechanic. I loved you from the moment your mom handed you to me at the hospital. [pause] What I’m saying is that you are normal. You are not broken. And you are NOT going to the dance with Junior. 

63. DAWN: I’m not?

64. NATE: I did something without asking you. I hope you’re not mad. 

65. DAWN: What?

66. NATE: I told your mom that Miguel and I were going to take you camping as an early birthday present. I told her it was the weekend of the dance and your birthday. I lied and said I’d rented an RV, and I can’t get the deposit back.

67. DAWN: [gasp] Thank you, thank you, thank you!

68. NATE: You’re not mad that I planned a trip without asking?

69. DAWN: No! You saved me from having to dance with Junior. [pause] Are we really gonna go camping? 

70. NATE: Hell yeah, miss thing!

71. DAWN: Promise?

72. NATE: Cross my heart, hope to die. 

73. (Music) Interstitial

SCENE FIVE: Lone Star Digital Assets: 8:55 PM

1. RITA: Fuck. I’m gonna barf again.

2. NATE: You can barf?

3. DAWN: Why are you going to barf?

4. RITA: I have TWO jobs. One: Keep you safe from monsters. Two: Keep you from talking to people you knew when you were alive. I’M FAILING AT BOTH.

5. DAWN: You need to keep it together.

6. NATE: We don’t have time for this.

7. RITA: I hope they kill me and don’t send me back to hell

8. DAWN: [stern] HEY!

9. RITA: [Gasp]

10. DAWN: Save it for the ice cream truck later. If you keep freaking out, you WILL get me killed.

11. RITA: FINE! FINE!

12. NATE: Now that your reaper isn’t about to barf, let’s roll.

13. DAWN: No, you hold on a sec. How do you recognize me in this body?

14. NATE: I don’t have time to explain, but I know it’s you kiddo. We have contacts at the DMV. 

15. DAWN: Why don’t you look any older than when I was a kid?

16. NATE: Kiddo, I wish I could explain. When I invited you here, I thought there would be two, maybe three vampires, and I could fill you in on the family business while I showed you how to kill them. 

17. DAWN: Family business?

18. RITA: What’s that funky metal dog collar you’ve got on? Is it a kink thing? It’s got that green eyeball on it. 

19. NATE: There are about 100 vampires in a conference hall on the other side of the building. The funky dog collar is for if I get hurt. It’s a magic thing. I promise I can explain once we figure out why they’re here, but we have to hurry. I can’t be out past midnight. 

20. RITA: Is it like a Gremlin situation?

21. DAWN: [tearing up] I-My...Mom made me go to the dance with Junior Flores because I thought you were dead. 

22. NATE: [sincere] Oh, sweetie. I wanted to be there more than anything, but I couldn’t. Please, let’s get information from these vamps, and then I’ll explain everything. There should be clues as to why you were murdered here. I found out about this place because of this.

23. NARRATOR: Nate pulled out the water bear flash drive and handed it to Dawn. She went to grab it, but she grabbed her uncle’s entire hand, in a feeble attempt to make sure he was real. He was. His hand was warm. It was real. He was real. He noticed Dawn’s disbelief. He pulled her in for a hug. Not only did he look the same, but he smelled the same. As tears streamed down her face, Dawn inhaled the familiar smell of his aftershave, and the coffee he always managed to spill on himself. It had been a long time since Dawn had been hugged by family. 

24. NATE: I owe you a long conversation, and I promise we’re gonna have it. I know I broke the last promise I made, but I made every attempt not to. I need you to know that. It’s killed me knowing that I wasn’t there for you. Now, I cannot stress this enough, we have to move. Now. 

25. DAWN: [sniffle] Okay. 

26. RITA: Can you make me a grilled cheese sandwich later?

27. NATE: I have a spell put on the cameras that should keep us out of sight for a while. There’s access to an air vent in that custodian’s closet that should lead us to a vent directly over the conference hall. We’re just going to have a listen to whatever is going on in there, and we’ll sneak right back out the way we came when it’s over. We have to hurry. More vampires keep arriving through magical portals. They could show up anywhere. 

28. NARRATOR: Dawn, Rita, and Nate made their way to the industrial air shaft. Dawn tried to keep her backpack from clanging on the metal walls of the shaft. These were a lot smaller than they seemed in movies. Nate was in the front, Dawn was in the middle, and Rita brought up the rear. After what seemed like an eternity, they reached a downward facing vent. Nate motioned for them to come look through the vent with him.

29. (SOUND) Party horn

30. LUKAS: Opening up our cross-species summit tonight is a living legend. And that’s literal! You may know her as the CEO of Sanguis Pharmaceuticals, but soon, you will regard her as the vampire who bridged rift between blood and energy vampires. Welcome to the stage, Carmilla Gwyar!

31. (SOUND) Fwomp Fwomp Fwommmmp

32. (Music) Annoying EDM

33. CARMILLA: [English accent, she doesn’t have her disguise on] Thank you for that lovely introduction, Lukas! I’m honored to be here as the keynote speaker of the first annual, Inter-species Vampire Summit. 

34. DAWN: [stage whisper] That’s Carmilla?!

35. RITA: [stage whisper] Ah, secretly an English vampire. That old chestnut. I should have guessed. 

36. CARMILLA: I know, some of you are hesitant to listen to a bloodsucker. I don’t blame you! We can make a right mess of things. We draw too much attention to ourselves. Now, more than ever, globalization and technology has made it harder for my kind to kill without being detected. 

But, is there a way we could make that simpler? Is there a way we could manifest synergy between energy and blood vampires? We may serve different masters, but what if we worked together? Could both of our patron demons win? 

What if I told you that I’ve been working on a way for us all to EASILY subjugate the human cattle of this dimension for over a hundred years? What if I told you that the culmination of those efforts will be coming to fruition THIS YEAR?

37. LUKAS: [stage whisper] Excuse me, Carmilla. 

38. CARMILLA: Yes, love?

39. LUKAS: [inaudible whisper in Carmilla’s ear]

40. CARMILLA: Lukas has just informed me that the security Shaman has picked up three, non vampiric entities in the building. 

41. (SOUND) ALARM

42. CARMILLA: I’m afraid that we will have to reconvene at another point in time. [pause] But, let’s cap off the evening with a little party game. 

Find me one of our intruders, bring them to me ALIVE for questioning, and you get an evening at my cabin in the Hill Country. 

Oh, and you also get to eat the intruder. 

Happy hunting, my loves!

43. NATE: Shit.

44. DAWN: Fuck. 

45. RITA: Do you think she was talking about us?

46. (MUSIC) OUTTRO