Today’s Lucky Winner

Hard Bodied Cubicle Jockeys

November 14, 2020 Brianne Season 1 Episode 5
Today’s Lucky Winner
Hard Bodied Cubicle Jockeys
Show Notes Transcript

In this episode, it’s the heist of the century! Not this century, but maybe a century where there wasn’t a lot going on. Definitely one of the centuries without indoor plumbing. Just a pretty chill century where there wasn’t a lot of cool stuff to heist. Also: There’s a heart to heart? Do we do that? Do we have earnest emotional moments on this show now? IDK! Listen to the episode and find out.

P.S. Hey. Hey, you. Are you new here? Is this your first time listening? What are you doing at episode 5? This is a serial. Go back to the first episode. Go on, GIT!

Cast:
Narrator, Crawford - Sean Turner @seanwkturner
Dawn - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid
Kyle -  Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale
Sunny - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222
Rita - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Special Guest Stars from CtrlAltCrit:
Reaper, Old Reaper - Sean Fowler @CtrlAltCrit
Kelly, Lucky Winner - Autumn Potts @littleinkpots

More from them at  http://www.ctrlaltcrit.com

Writer, Director, Assistant Editor
Brianne Leeson

Editor
James Leeson

Original theme music written and performed by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Email: Luckywinnershow@gmail.com

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Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original music by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

Mixgnomer Website
https://www.mixgnomer.com/

Social Media:
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http://www.facebook.com/luckywinnershow

Merch!
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Support us on Patreon and Buy Me a Coffee!
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Brianne’s AuDHD Coaching Site:
https://www.audhdbri.com/


Rating Introduction:


1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.


Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 


Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 


Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for you. 




SCENE ONE: SANGUIS: 11:30 AM


1. NARRATOR: As Dawn and Rita stood at the welcome desk in the Sanguis Pharmaceuticals lobby, the receptionist, Kelly, received a call. 


2. KELLY: Uh-huh. [pause] Yessir. [pause] I was wondering what that was about, yeah. [pause] Sure thing.


3. (SOUND) Phone hanging up. 


4. KELLY: If you’ll take a seat over there, someone will be with you in a moment to help you collect your cousin’s belongings. Feel free to help yourself to a latte or sparkling water from the coffee bar. It’s in the alcove behind the koi pond over to the left. 


5. DAWN: Thank you.


6. RITA:[stage whisper] Bruh, I think that chick could see me.


7. DAWN: [to herself] Shut up...I’m gonna look sus if I’m talking to myself. 


8. RITA: Go to the coffee station thing she pointed out.


9. NARRATOR: Dawn’s high top sneakers created a resounding squeak as she cautiously moved across the white marble lobby. Rita had her by the arm, but she was doing her best to pretend that Rita wasn’t there. She exhaled an enormous sigh of relief as she turned the corner into the coffee alcove. She was free to air her concerns to Rita. That sigh came a moment too soon. 


10. DAWN: [sigh of relief] Rita, Oh my go-


11. RITA: [cough] Dude. There’s a dude. Dude getting coffee. 


12. DAWN: -ooood. I loooooove coffee. Yes! Yes. I’m getting a coffee by myself like normal. 


13. NARRATOR: They weren’t alone. A pharmaceutical sales rep  stood at the coffee bar steaming milk for his latte, in a stainless steel thermos emblazoned with the logo for the drug Comaquin. He gave Dawn a smile that simultaneously said “Hello” and “This lady is giving me the creeps”. He snagged a couple of stevia packets from a jar on the counter, grabbed his rolling briefcase and his thermos, and exited toward the front doors. 


14. (SOUND) Rolling backpack/suitcase



15. RITA: Be real, are all the drug reps as hot as that guy? If they are, I get why you agreed to work in this den of evil. SEX SELLS BAY-BEE. I almost offered to foam his latte for him, if you know what I-


16. DAWN: Focus! Why do you think the receptionist saw you?


17. RITA: We made eye contact for a second. 


18. DAWN: Couldn’t she have been staring off into the distance, and she happened to look your direction?


19. RITA: I don’t know, it really seemed like she saw ME, you know? And I feel like I’m being watched, and not just by her.


20. DAWN: [sigh] I kind of feel that way too. What do we do?


21. RITA: I don’t fucking know. We are in a technologically advanced monument to capitalism, and we’re probably surrounded by a bunch of supernatural evils that had a hand in your murder. 


22. DAWN: That puts the situation in a nutshell, but it doesn’t actually help us at all, does it? [pause] What happens if someone DOES see you. What would they do with that information?



23. RITA: If someone sees me, they may just assume I’m a ghost or something. MAYBE you get someone in the know who can tell you I’m a reaper. I think that person would just assume I’m here to take your soul. But I don’t know how they’d react. It’s not exactly common knowledge about the whole “Lucky Winner”/DMV thing. 


24. DAWN: Most don’t know?


25. RITA: Yeah, it’s not a secret or anything, but it’s not like most paranormal creatures just KNOW about it. Like the way it’s not common knowledge that lobster’s piss out of their faces or that tapir’s have prehensile penises. 


26. DAWN: Really?


27. RITA: Yeah! Can you imagine walking up to a door and a tapir is like “Please, let me get that for you,” and just opens it with their massive, grabby dong?


28. DAWN: YO, FOCUS. You know I wasn’t talking about a tapir dong. 


29. RITA: Sorry, I haven’t reaped animals since dinosaurs were around, and your whole butthole bear thing got curious about animal facts. My internet research took a weird turn, and I ended up at tapir dick. 


30. DAWN: Enough with the tapir peen! [sigh] So if someone sees you, they may not do anything. They’d probably just assume you’re waiting for me to die.


31. RITA: Maybe? I just feel like any supernatural creature that’s hanging around here isn’t your average ghoul or goblin. They may know exactly why I’m here.



32. DAWN: Well, the other option is that I just curl up in a ball and wait to go to hell, which isn’t happening. We have to make this work. This is our only lead so far. 


33. RITA: Okay, then what do we do?


34. DAWN: I think it’s safe to say that if they do much more than verify my identity and hand me a box of my belongings, they’re on to us. We need a way for me to be able to signal to you that we’re in too deep, or that something is wrong. But it needs to be something that won’t make me look like I’m talking to myself. 


35. RITA: I have an idea!  


36. DAWN: What?


37. RITA: What if you stick one of these in your ear and pretend you’re answering a call?


38. DAWN: Umm, so where did you get these high-end, wireless earbuds?


39. RITA: I swiped them off of that buff Chad while he creamed his latte. 


40. DAWN: But, why?


41. RITA: I don’t know. I think I seek out risky behaviors like theft so I can feel anything but the intense dissatisfaction that permeates my every waking moment. 


42. DAWN: Okay, let’s put a pin in that distressing self realization, and come back to it later. The earbuds are a good idea.


43. RITA: Yes! I helped. 


44. DAWN: Now let’s go back out into the waiting area until they call us. 


45. NARRATOR: Dawn grabbed a black coffee and walked back to the seating area. After three sips, her anxiety and empty stomach compounded into a nasty case of reflux. She shouldn’t have let Rita put that vodka in her coffee. She sat the coffee down on an end table beside her and placed an earbud in her ear. While the earbud plan made sense, the germ conscious Dawn found it unbearable that she was willingly putting a stranger’s earbud into her own ear. Between the gravity of her situation, Rita’s refusal to sit still, the reflux, and the earwax, Dawn felt like she had already gone to hell. 


46. CRAWFORD: Ms. Menendez?


47. DAWN: That’s me. Oh, you can call me Rihanna. 


48. CRAWFORD: Well, Rihanna. I’m Trapper Crawford. You can call me whatever the heck you want. Why don’t I take you up to my office so we can talk. 


49. (Music) Intersitital 




Scene Two: Sanguis: Walking through a room full of cubicles


1. NARRATOR: As Crawford escorted Dawn into the elevator, Rita was following closely behind her. Dawn recognized Crawford, but from where? Sanguis was so large, you only ever got to know the people who worked in your department. Crawford pressed the button for the 30th floor. She tried to remember what was on the 30th floor. She so rarely made it above the 8th. That’s where the IT department was. Why was he taking her to his office? It’s not like her belongings were that valuable. Why all this fuss over a few pictures, a bobble head, and a flash drive?


2. CRAWFORD: I’m deeply sorry for your loss.


3. DAWN: Oh, thanks. Yeah. She’s gone too soon.


4. CRAWFORD: And you lost your aunt less than a year before Dawn, right? Dawn’s mom died not too long ago. That would be your aunt, right? She wasn’t a second cousin or something?


5. DAWN: Yeah, my Aunt Valeria. How did you know about that?


6. CRAWFORD: Oh, I just remember Dawn saying she was having a really hard time with the loss.


7. NARRATOR: That was clearly a lie. She’d never had a conversation with this man in her life. In point of fact, she didn’t open up like that to anyone. What was he trying to do? The elevator glided to a smooth stop, and a delicate “bing” sound indicated that they had reached their floor. As he gestured for her to exit first, she remembered where she had seen Trapper Crawford. He was the head of security. He worked closely with Carmilla. There were rumors that they were [pause] intimate, given how often he was seen with her. In almost every candid picture of Carmilla Gwyar, you could see Crawford lurking in the background. This was not good. She stuck a finger up to the stolen earbud in her ear as they walked out of the elevator.


8. DAWN: [forced, bad acting] Hi, mija! Is everything okay?


9. RITA: What...What is happening.


10. DAWN: One second, Mr. Crawford. It’s my daughter on the phone. 


11. CRAWFORD: No problem. Take all the time you need. 


12. DAWN: Oh no, does mommy need to come home?


13. RITA: Is...are you mommy? Am I mija? 


14. DAWN: Yes, you are!


15. RITA: Oh! Fuck, okay. Not the angle I thought you’d take with the whole “phone call” cover. You know you could have just been like “Hi, Rita!”


16. DAWN: How is this helpful...uh...kiddo?


17. RITA: Fine! I’ll roast you for your poor improv skills later. Um...so you need me to help you get out of here. Shit. Okay. Let me think.


18. DAWN: You’d better think fast, kiddo! Mommy will be home very soon.


19. RITA: I don’t get why you’re freaking out. I don’t think this guy sees me, but okay. I’m working on it. Let me think of a way to get us out of here. 


20. DAWN: Good girl! Thank you. See you later!


21. CRAWFORD: Everything okay?


22. DAWN: Yeah, you know kids! Everything is an emergency that she needs mom for.


23. CRAWFORD: You cherish that, now. I’m lucky enough to still have my momma around. She’s old, but I still turn to her whenever I need it. [pause] Now, if you’ll just follow me this way.


24. RITA: Yikes, his “momma” talk feels very Norman Bates-y.


25. DAWN: Is there something wrong, Mr. Crawford? We just wanted to get whatever pictures and Knick-knacks she had. 


26. CRAWFORD: We just have some questions we need to ask you before we release her items to you.


27. NARRATOR: Crawford led them through a narrow pathway along the side of an expansive room. Cubicles created a grid that took up most of the room. The people inhabiting these cubicles were different from the residents of the 8th floor, where Dawn had spent her time. The IT department had people of all ages, shapes, and sizes. The 30th floor had a different demographic. A woman stretched at her desk, revealing a gun holster underneath her tailored blazer. Not a single person in the room looked like they had more than 15% body fat. The cubicles were filled with people that looked like MMA fighters in business attire. Dawn and Rita both felt eyes following them.


28. RITA: Okay, I think a lot of these people can see me. 


29. CRAWFORD: My office is right over here, Ms. Menendez. Can my assistant get you anything? Water, Coffee?


30. RITA: Okay, I have to test this.


31. DAWN: [yelling at rita] NO!


32. RITA: [clears throat] I’m gonna do it. 


33. CRAWFORD: [unsure about her yelling] Oh, alright. You don’t HAVE to get a drink.


34. RITA: I’m going for it. [loud sex moan]


35. NARRATOR: As soon as Rita let out her moan, a dozen eyes looked up at her. They quickly looked back down, as though they were aware of Rita, but they didn’t want to give away that they could see her. About half of the unconscionably jacked office drones that looked at Rita instinctively reached for hidden sidearms. That seemed excessive, even for Texas. Crawford was unmoved. He held open the door to a glass enclosed office, where a box of Dawn’s belongings sat on a desk. 


36. RITA: SHIT. Lil’ Buddy, this is bad. You see how many of those hard bodied cubicle jockeys saw me? 


37. CRAWFORD: If you’ll have a seat in here, Ms. Menendez, we can get you on your way.


38. DAWN: OH. Uh..Yeah. Thank you. 


39. RITA: I have an idea. I don’t know if it will work, and I may get in trouble for it. Do you trust me?


40. DAWN: [surprised at her own answer] Yeah. Yeah I do.


41. CRAWFORD: Excuse me?


42. DAWN: Yeah! I do! Want to get on my way. And back home to my daughter.


43. RITA: Go hold on to the box. 


44. NARRATOR: Dawn walked forward and stuck her hands into the handles on the file box that held her belongings. She looked into the box, not knowing where her gaze would seem least suspicious. The inanimate objects before her felt like the safest thing in the room to focus on. 


45. CRAWFORD: Now, what is it in the box that you really want?


46. DAWN: Umm...Just. We’re just tying up loose ends. 


47. CRAWFORD: We?


48. DAWN: Me and the rest of the family. 


49. CRAWFORD: Oh, you didn’t mean you and your reaper friend here. What did you call her, Rita?


50. DAWN: My what? Who?


51. CRAWFORD: I thought I’d have a little longer to squeeze you for info, but my staff here couldn’t seem to ignore Ms. Rita’s outburst. Might as well be honest with you. You saw them all look. 


52. RITA: Jig’s up, dude. 


53. CRAWFORD: She’s right, Valeria. Now tell me where the workshop is and maybe I let you live out the rest of the year you have. 


54. DAWN: Workshop? What do you-


55. RITA: Hold on tight to the box, buddy. 


56. (SOUND) BAMF


57. NARRATOR: Before Dawn could finish her question, Rita had looped her arms around her from behind. Dawn’s hands latched onto the handles of the file box containing her belongings. Her knuckles were pale from the intensity of her grasp. The box and Rita were the only things that anchored her. She found herself rushing through a black vortex. Neon greens, blues, and yellows streaked by her. Beyond these lights, strange constellations speckled the periphery. She had accompanied Rita on one of her “poofs”. She was teleporting. She was not supposed to be seeing this. 








SCENE THREE: DMV Training video


1. (SOUND) VHS being put into a tape player. 


2. (SOUND) Static


3. (SOUND) 80’s training video music


4. KYLE: Hey there, little reaper. What’s wrong?


5. REAPER: Oh, hey Kyle. I just reaped Today’s Lucky Winner.


6. KYLE: Wow! That’s super cowabunga! Are you totally stoked to chaperone?


7. REAPER: I’m not stoked at all. I’m wigging out! I’ve never had a corporeal body. And experiencing linear time? Gag me with a spoon!


8. KYLE: Linear time barfs me out too, but as long as you follow some simple safety guidelines, I think you’re going to have a totally choice time chaperoning. 


9. REAPER: Really? Can you give me the 4-1-1 before I have to bounce to the earthly plane?


10. KYLE: CHee-yuh! 


11. (SOUND) BAMF


12. REAPER: Whoa! Where are we now?


13. KYLE: Shhh...This is another reaper with their Lucky Winner. Let’s watch!


14. LUCKY WINNER: Hey, can you poof me over there?


15. OLD REAPER: Yeah, whatever. 


16. (SOUND) BAMF


17. (SOUND) Gooshy blood and guts sounds


18. LUCKY WINNER: [PAINED YELL] Ouch! My bod! How totally bogus.


19. REAPER: Whoa! What happened?


20. KYLE: Rule #1, don’t poof your human! Unless you want something hella grody to happen, like their fleshy meat body materializing inside of something else.


21. REAPER: Is that why this dude’s body appeared halfway inside that refrigerator?


22. KYLE: Affirmative, buuuddy [like Pauly Shore]. He may be in the fridge, but there’s no way he’s “chilling” with his guts outside of his body.


23. REAPER: [laughs]

24. KYLE: [laughs] 


25. REAPER: Wow! But what if you’re careful? Can’t you make sure you don’t whiff the landing?


26. KYLE: Oh, it gets way more grody than this.


27. REAPER: Whoa, no way. More grody than half a human in a refrigerator?


28. KYLE: Hella more grody! Let’s watch another reaper totally beef it.


29. LUCKY WINNER: I don’t want to take the bus. Poof me to the mall?


30. OLD REAPER: Yeah, sure. Whatever. 


31. LUCKY WINNER: [unholy screech] I HAVE DOMINION OVER ALL TIME AND SPACE!


32. OLD REAPER: You alright?


33. LUCKY WINNER: [play this in the background while Kyle says his lines] I HAVE SEEN THE HOLY WORM AT THE END OF THE CONTINUUM. THE FOURTH DIMENSION IS GOD’S DIMENSION. I HAVE CREATED COLOR ONLY THE DIVINE CAN SEE. CA-CAWWWW! I AM THE COSMIC HAWK, SOARING THROUGH THE INFINITE. TIME IS AN ILLUSION CREATED BY THE CONDUCTOR OF THE GREAT SIMULATION. WE ARE ALL LIVING IN A NEURON OF A GREAT COSMIC WHALE. THE WHALE DEMANDS A SACRIFICE. [MANIACAL LAUGH] I WILL BE THE SACRIFICE, OH GREAT WHALE! DEVOUR ME TO FEED THE MANY UNIVERSES YOU CONTAIN. I AM BUT AN ANT ON YOUR BUTT CRACK...


34. REAPER: Whoa! Like, What’s their damage? 


35. KYLE: That Lucky Winner perceived the flow of time for too long, and they’re totally having a cow, man. It’s one thing to understand that past, present, and future are all happening at once, but it’s another thing for a strictly linear being to see the flow of all three while traveling through an extra-dimensional space. It’s called Continuum Madness.


36. REAPER: What’s gonna happen too them?


37. KYLE: They’ll be bugging out for a while, and then their brain will explode.


38. REAPER: That’s wicked gross.


39. KYLE: No-duh! And that’s why it’s totally NOT bitchin’ for a reaper to poof with their human.


40. REAPER: Bodacious info, Kyle. What’s the second guideline I should know about?


41. KYLE: Rule #2: Most definitely don’t have sexual intercourse with ANY humans while you’re—


42. (SOUND) VHS tape fucking up





SCENE FIVE: Ice Cream Truck: 1:30PM


1. (SOUND) BAMF


2. (SOUND) Thunk of Dawn and Rita landing on a metal floor


3. (SOUND) Items from Dawn’s box falling on floor of truck


4. DAWN: Whaaaaat was thaaaaaat?


5. RITA: Oh, thank fuck, you’re in one piece.


6. DAWN: WHAT?!


7. RITA: This is important. Did you see a giant worm that was a new color your human eyes had never seen?


8. DAWN: No?


9. RITA: Does your brain feel hot?


10. DAWN: No? What? What are you talking about. 


11. RITA: I KNEW that entire training video was bullshit. I figured out the sex with humans part was bullshit a long time ago but...


12. DAWN: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?


13. RITA: There’s a chance your brain could have melted or something.


14. DAWN: AND YOU JUST POOFED ME ANYWAY?


15. RITA: YOU SAID YOU TRUSTED ME! Now hop in the driver’s seat and get us out of here. 


16. DAWN: My brain may not feel hot, but I am really dizzy. Can you drive?


17. (SOUND) Keys thrown


18. RITA: Probably.


19. DAWN: Probably? What does that mean?


20. RITA: How hard can it be. Millions of humans can do it.


21. DAWN: Maybe you shouldn’t-


22. (SOUND) Truck starting


23. (SOUND) Tire squealing


24. (SOUND) Truck honking


25. NARRATOR: Rita merged onto the freeway, testing the ice cream truck’s acceleration capabilities. Her overconfidence and aggressive driving mirrored that of nearly every oversized pick-up truck with a lift kit on I-30. She was terrible at driving. She fit right in. After several near misses, they arrived at the apartment complex. Rita pulled into the detached garage a little too fast, kissing the back wall with the front bumper of the truck.


26. RITA: Whoops!


27. DAWN: [moan like she’s nauseous] That drive was scarier than the poof.


28. RITA: Oh, HUSH. Now, let’s collect your things and get you inside. 


29. (SOUND) Stuff being dropped into a cardboard box


30. DAWN: Hold on. Fuck...FUCK.


31. RITA: What?


32. DAWN: Have you seen the water bear flash drive?


33. RITA: Uhh...No. 


34. DAWN: FUCK! They took the flash drive. It’s not here. 


35. RITA: There’s this flash drive.


36. DAWN: That’s not even mine. I don’t know why that’s in here. 


37. RITA: I’m sorry, Lil’ Buddy. It was worth a shot.


38. DAWN: [holding back tears] Worth a shot? That place was full of LITERAL MONSTERS. The water bear was our only clue. What am I gonna do now? I can’t go to hell. 


39. RITA: We can find another lead! It’ll just take some time. 


40. DAWN: [crying] I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF TIME, RITA. 


41. RITA: Well, no human does. But you’ve got my help. And you’re the smartest Lucky Winner I’ve ever had. If anyone’s gonna find out what happened, it’s you. 


42. DAWN: [still crying] I wish I believed that.


43. RITA: I’ll believe it twice as hard, until you do. [pause] Now, I’m not super accustomed to platonic affection with a human, but this feels like a place where I should ask if I can hug you.


44. DAWN: [laughs through tears] I’m not used to it either, but yeah. A hug wouldn’t suck.


45. RITA: [hugging Dawn] We’ll go inside. I’ll load you a bowl. I’ll pop some pizza rolls in the toaster oven. [pause] and hey! You should get a bucket list going! We can solve your murder AND check off some bucket list items. 


46. DAWN: [sniffling] That sounds pretty nice, actually. You wanna text Sunny and see if she wants to come over for a movie or something?


47. RITA: Uhh...why would-


48. DAWN: [teasing] You like her!


49. RITA: I mean, sure. She’s a ten and-


50. DAWN: [sniffling from tears, crying subsiding] No, you’ve caught feelings. You say nasty stuff about everyone else you want to bone, but you’re comparatively polite to her. 


51. RITA: No, I have not. I have two feelings. There’s horny, and there’s horny for food. 


52. DAWN: I think the word you’re looking for is “hungry”. 


53. RITA: No! I don’t feel hungry. I don’t need food to survive. Food is just delicious. 


54. DAWN: Hold the phone. So you’ve been eating all of my food, for fun? You ate 2 boxes of waffles and a gallon of chunky peanut butter this morning, for fun?


55. RITA: Uhhhh...ye-yeah? I assumed you knew I didn’t have to eat. 


56. DAWN: I did not. [sniffles]


57. RITA: Well, why let a little misunderstanding get in the way of our friendship. 


58. DAWN: [laughs] 


59. RITA: What?


60. DAWN: [still laughing]


61. RITA: Oh, no. You did get Continuum Madness. Does it feel like you’re brain is turning into a liquid? 


62. DAWN: [still kind of laughing] No! I think we ARE friends.


63. RITA: Oh, dope. You’re laughing at me saying we’re friends. Well, fuck you! I just saved your life, and I’m hugging you in the back of an ice cream truck, and you laugh? Am I a joke to you? 


64. DAWN: No! No, I mean it. In the past, I just thought people felt sorry for me when they asked me to hang out. I’ve always just assumed they were being nice. You...you I believe. The first person I believe wants to be my friend is my grim reaper. I literally DIED without making friends. 


65. RITA: That’s deeply pathetic, but I’m still flattered.


66. DAWN: Okay, friend. You wanna go inside and split a box of pizza rolls?


67. RITA: Split a box?!


68. DAWN: YES. SPLIT. 


69. RITA: [fake little kid voice] Oh no, mom. Are we poor?


70. DAWN: [chuckles] Yes, actually. Now come on.


71. RITA: Ope, you okay?


72. DAWN: I’m still a little dizzy.


73. RITA: You want I should poof you inside?


74. DAWN: NO!


75. (MUSIC) Interstitial 





SCENE 6: DAWN’S APARTMENT: 5:30PM


1. (SOUND) BONG RIP


2. DAWN: So vampires can smoke weed?


3. SUNNY: [strained from bong rip] Absolutely. How do you think I’ve stayed calm enough to not eat a human this whole time. 


4. (SOUND) Typing sounds


5. RITA: I wish vampires could eat pizza rolls. I’d share my meager food allowance with you.


6. DAWN: OH, WAH WAH. Sorry you don’t get to eat all the money the DMV left me. 


7. RITA: [mocking Dawn] “I’m Dawn and I worry about having enough food to survive. Sorry you don’t get to pee pee, poo poo, ca ca, doo doo-“


8. DAWN: I don’t think Sunny wants to hear us argue!


9. RITA: Then stop. Starving. Me. 


10. SUNNY: [laughing] I’m just happy I have people to hang out with. It’s been decades since I’ve been able to just watch a movie with someone else and not want to eat them. 


11. RITA: We should actually pick a movie. We’ve been trying to find one for the past [checks time] Hour?! 


12. (SOUND) Typing sounds


13. DAWN: [half paying attention] Meh, I don’t care at this point, as long as it isn’t scary. Today has been scary enough. 


14. RITA: You aren’t even paying attention. You’ve been going clickity clackity on your laptop since Sunny got here. Honestly, it’s kind of rude. 


15. DAWN: I’m still paying attention! I’m just working on that bucket list, like you suggested. 


16. SUNNY: Oh! Let me know if I can help with any of it. There’s a lot of stuff I wish I’d done when I was alive too. 


17. RITA: You’re not really dead though! You should make a list. We can help you too.


18. DAWN: Yeah. Maybe parts of our lists will overlap.


19. SUNNY: Oh! Okay. I mean, there are somethings I shouldn’t do anymore. Going on a plane feels like a bad idea. 


20. DAWN: Why?


21. SUNNY: If you were trapped in a giant metal tube, with a bunch of freshly baked cookies scattered all around you, do you think you could make it hours without eating one?


22. (SOUND) Unreasonably long bong rip


23. DAWN: I wouldn’t make it ten minutes.


24. (SOUND) Rummaging through a box


25. SUNNY: And being in a plane sounds like the vampire version of that. I can’t risk it.


26. (SOUND) Unreasonably long bong rip


27. (SOUND) rummaging through box


28. DAWN: Rita, why are you rummaging though my stuff?


29. RITA: [strained from the bong rip] I helped you pluck this box from a den of monsters. I don’t get to see what’s in it?


30. SUNNY: Is that the box of stuff you got from Sanguis today?


31. DAWN: Yeah. My flash drive isn’t even in there. It’s just some knick-knacks like my succulent and my Data bobble head. 


32. RITA: HA! Dork. He’s not even the coolest one on that show. 


33. DAWN: Listen here, you shut the fuck up about Lieutenant Commander Data and water bears in my house. 


34. SUNNY: Hey, there’s a flash drive right here. 


35. DAWN: That’s not mine. The one we needed looked like a water bear. 


36. SUNNY: What’s on this one?


37. DAWN: I don’t know. It’s probably preloaded with some PowerPoint or video presentation. The drug reps aren’t allowed to give out “gifts”, but they can give out “educational material”. I got them all the time at work. Drug reps have bags full of them. 


38. SUNNY: Don’t they usually have a drug name on them. 


39. DAWN: Yeah. 


40. (SOUND) Unreasonably long bong rip. 


41. SUNNY: This one doesn’t. It’s just got this green eyeball drawing on it.


42. DAWN: It’s got a green eyeball? [looks up at sunny holding up the flash drive] SHIT! It’s THAT eyeball.  


43. RITA: [coughs] [strained from bong rip] Why are we creaming our jeans about an eyeball.


44. DAWN: Look! [pause] It’s the same style as the eyeball necklace and the emblem on the magic trunk. 


45. RITA: [still strained from bong rip] Oh HELL, no. After that fucking trunk, I’m not touching anything with that eyeball on it. With my luck, I’d plug it in and get sucked off into the internet or something. 


46. SUNNY: Here, Dawn. You want to see what’s on it. [aside to Rita] It’d be a shame if anything sucked off Rita.


47. RITA: [Bashful giggle]


48. DAWN: Let’s see what’s on here.


49. NARRATOR: Dawn plugged the flash drive into her laptop. Well, she attempted to plug it in, and she realized she had it flipped the wrong way. She flipped it over and tried again. It didn’t work that way either. Why does that always happen? She flipped it a third time, and completed the perilous docking sequence of the drive and her laptop. She clicked on the icon for the drive that appeared on her desktop. It was the same green eyeball. There was a single document file on the drive. It was titled “Dawn”. She opened it. 


50. SUNNY: What’s on it?


51. DAWN: A document. 


52. RITA: What’s it say?


53. DAWN: Full moon. Lone Star Digital Assets building. Stealth mode no good. Bring Cabroncita.


54. RITA: FUCK

55. SUNNY: Oooooooo.


56. MUSIC OUTTRO