Cabroncita

Dawn, Rita, and Sunny save the entire city of Dallas. No joke. They manage to do it without ever leaving Dawn’s apartment. They barely even leave the living room! I swear! How did they do it? Well, I’m not going to tell you in the episode description. Listen to the dang show.


Cast:
Narrator - Sean Turner @seanwkturner
Dawn - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid
Kyle, Senator Owens  - Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale
Carmilla, Sunny - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222
Rita - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Writer, Director, Assistant Editor
Brianne Leeson

Editor
James Leeson

Original Music written and performed by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Transcript

Rating Introduction:

(Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.

Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 

Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 

Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for you

1.(PREVIOUSLY ON DRAGONBALL Z)

2.(MUSIC) INTRO

SCENE ONE_- Dawn’s Apartment - Night Time

3. DAWN: (defeated groan)

4. RITA: Relax. We’re just a few days into your year. You can’t give up already.

5. (Sound) Dawn plops onto couch

6. DAWN: (Screams into a pillow)

7. (SOUND) unreasonably Long bong rip noise

8. RITA: [strained from bong rip] That cute, anemic vampire doctor said she’d look over your autopsy report for more clues. 

9. DAWN: FUCK!

10. RITA: You HAVE to chill. You are such a fucking bummer right now. 

11. DAWN: THAT BLOOD SAMPLE WOULD HAVE SAVED ME FROM KIDNEY HELL.

12. RITA: AND SUNNY CAN’T UN-SUCK YOUR BLOOD. MOVE. ON. 

13. DAWN: What the fuck am I gonna do, dude. 

14. RITA: Right now? Right now you’re gonna take a massive bong rip so you stop bumming me out. 

15. (SOUND) Reasonably long bong rip

16. DAWN: (Coughing)

17. (SOUND) Doc Martens being put on a coffee table

18. DAWN: (strained from bong rip) Don’t put your feet on that!

19. RITA: What?

20. DAWN: Don’t put your feet on that. It a family heirloom. 

21. RITA: Shit, sorry. What...wait, has your coffee table been a pirate chest this whole time, or are the benzos I stole from the courthouse not actually benzos?

22. DAWN: Wait, where did you get benzos at the courthouse?

23. RITA: While you were having a meltdown, I was explaining our whole situation to Sunny. She explained that there had been a few strange deaths lately, and some were under investigation. We wondered if there was any connection, when she happened to mention that the evidence room was right above us. 

24. DAWN: So you poofed up there to check?

25. RITA: So I poofed up there to check. I liberated several pill bottles from the evidence room, to help with your case. I’m currently checking the bottles to see if there’s any connection. 

26. DAWN: Oh! This is for me? You stole and took a bunch of drugs for me?

27. RITA: Yes. You’re welcome. Now about this pirate chest...It’s full of booty, yes?

28. DAWN: It’s not a pirate chest. It’s a steamer trunk. Apparently, my grandmother stuffed all her belongings into here when she moved from Puerto Rico to New York, and it was old then. 

29. RITA: Oh my god, please don’t tell me your grandma is in here.

30. DAWN: I don’t know. I can’t get it open.

31. RITA: Just break the lock. 

32. DAWN: You think I didn’t try that? From the bits I can recall, and what Kyle told me, that’s what I was doing the night I died.

33. RITA: Ohhhh...I wonder’s what’s in it?!

34. DAWN: It’s probably just photo albums. It sounds like it’s mostly books, if you shake it. 

35. RITA: Oof, I’ve gotta know. I’ve just gotta. 

36. DAWN: Do you have secret locksmith powers I don’t know about?

37. (SOUND) books tumbling around in a trunk

38. DAWN: What are you doing?

39. RITA: It sounds like there’s a lot of room in there.

40. DAWN: Yeah? So?

41. RITA: And it’s a big ass trunk

42. DAWN: Okay?

43. RITA: Maybe enough room for me to just “poof” in there?

44. DAWN: And then what? You poof inside and it just opens? How would you...

45. (SOUND) Rita’s Poof Noise

46. RITA: (FROM INSIDE THE TRUNK) I’M IN. I’M IN, BUT THERE’S LESS ROOM THAN I THOUGHT IN HERE.

47. DAWN: Just poof out!

48. RITA: I’m trying. I’m...I can’t poof. FUCK. 

49. DAWN: You can’t? Why would you not be able too...

50. RITA: IT’S A MAGIC BOX. IT’S A MAGIC BOX, I’M STUCK. I’M STUCK IN A MAGIC BOX. 

51. DAWN: Why would I have a magic steamer trunk?

52. RITA: (INSIDE TRUNK, DRY HEAVING) I’m gonna vom. This is it.

53. DAWN: Uhhh...Hold on. If this IS a magic box, mom wouldn’t leave me something this important without leaving me a way to open it.

54. RITA: (INSIDE TRUNK, DRY HEAVING) Am I claustrophobic? Is this claustophob- (heaving)

55. DAWN: Think. Okay. The big latch has a kind of oval shaped painting on it that I can’t make out. It’s all so faded and worn. These two latches don’t seem to have a release so...OH! I’ve got it. 

56. RITA: (groan)

57. DAWN: That fugly necklace! The oval shape!

58. RITA: (anguished groan)

59. DAWN: I must have made the connection that night, but I was too drugged to act on it. [Pause] Where did I hide it?

60. RITA: WHAT IS HAPPENING?

61. DAWN: I’m looking for a freaky eyeball necklace that my mom used to wear. Shut up and let me figure this out! You got yourself into this! 

62. RITA: (BARF SOUNDS) 

63. DAWN: Did you barf? Did you barf on my family heirlooms?

64. RITA: I’m sorry. You know I wasn’t sure I could barf! It’s terrible. Why did you try to get me to do this yesterday? [pause] Nooooo, I feel it coming again. I’M CLAUSTROPHOBIC. 

65. DAWN: Shit. Fuck. Hold on. Let me think. Hold it in!

66. RITA: I don’t even piss or shit. What the fuck came out of me?

67. DAWN: [Pause] Piss and shit! Bathroom! The necklace is in my medicine cabinet. 

68. RITA: Hurry! (HEAVING) God, not again. 

69. (SOUND) Footsteps running in from other room.

70. DAWN: Got it. Okay...now, what the fuck do I do with it.

71. RITA: I DON’T KNOW JUST (HEAVING) DO SOMETHING.

72. (LONG PAUSE. 10-15 seconds)

73. RITA: Hello? What’s happening?

74. DAWN: I’m waving it around the lock.

75. RITA: Oh my goddddd. TRY. SOMETHING. ELSE. 

76. DAWN: GIVE ME SOME IDEAS!

77. RITA: Give you ideas? I’m the one in the...(heaving) Hurry, the barf is coming again. (Whines)

78. DAWN: I’m trying. I don’t...GOD DAMN IT, OPEN!

79.(SOUND) PADLOCK OPENS. TRUNK BUSTS OPEN.

80. RITA: (GASPS) FRESH AIR!

81. DAWN: I’m pretty sure you don’t even need to breathe. 

82. RITA: Why did you dare me to poof in there?

83. DAWN: Dare you? I did no such...Dude, what the hell is that?

84. RITA: I never barfed before. Please don’t make me feel bad. How was I to know that I’m claustrophobic?

85. DAWN: It smells like someone poured concentrated hot dog water in a dirty hamster cage. 

86. RITA: Are you going to bitch at me about it, or are we going to see what’s inside the fucking magic trunk I helped you open?

87. DAWN: (SIGH) This is disgusting. 

88. RITA: Whatever. I’ll get paper towels.

89. (SOUND) Sifting through books

90. DAWN: Hold on, does that book say? Does that book have my name on it?

91. RITA: I don’t know. It’s got barf on it.

92. DAWN: Great. How about you clean YOUR barf off of MY book with those paper towels. 

93. RITA: Here, I...Hey, yeah! Oh shit, get a load of the embossed cover. Your mom was a classy lady.

94. DAWN: You open it. It still smells barfy.

95. (SOUND) pages being turned.

96. RITA: Huh. Shit’s empty. YEET

97. (SOUND) Book being thrown 

98. DAWN: Don’t throw-

99. (SOUND) Rummaging through books

100. DAWN AND RITA IN UNISON: Whoaaaaa!

101. RITA: Why did your nana have a FUCKING GUN?!

102. (MUSIC) INTERSTITIAL 

SCENE TWO: DAWN’S APARTMENT: Night Time

1. Narrator: Rita reached into the steamer trunk and pulled out a sawed off shotgun. She wiped it clean with a paper towel, revealing a large cursive inscription that read “Cabroncita”. The barrel was a tarnished silver, and the stock was mother of pearl. Her expression quickly morphed into one of astonishment, and she attempted to twirl the gun on her finger.

2. (SOUND) Gun being dropped

3. RITA: Fuck. Shit. I’ll just scoop that back up.

4. DAWN: Stop playing with that!

5. RITA: What? It’s old as balls and-

6. (SOUND) Shotgun loading noise

7. RITA: It’s not even loaded. 

8. DAWN: I don’t care stop-

9. RITA: YeeeeeeeHAW! High noon! Sarsaparilla!

10. DAWN: Cut it out!

11. RITA: Rootin’ Tootin’, cow-

12. (SOUND) Magic gun noise

13. DAWN: Rita, are you?

14. RITA: [pained groan] Magic gun. Magic.

15. DAWN: Oh my god! Are you okay?

16. RITA: Oh, I’m fine. Except for this.

17. NARRATOR: Directly above Rita’s left knee was a hole about 4 inches wide. Pouring from the bullet hole was a stream of black, sparkling smoke. The plumes were backlit by an intense blue light emanating from inside Rita. 

18. DAWN: What the hell is happening here?!

19. RITA: Uhhh...Okay, so don’t freak out-

20. DAWN: I think I’ve made it clear that saying that is the fastest way to get me to freak out. 

21. RITA: If you don’t get this hole closed, the whole neighborhood, nay, the whole city, will explode. 

22. DAWN: WHAT?

23. RITA: Ummm...You could say that my make and model had a factory recall, and I uh...[pained groan]. I chose not to participate.

24. DAWN: How are they okay with letting you chaperone?

25. RITA: Could we discuss my origin story when I’m not about to do a Chernobyl?

26. DAWN: Okay. Um...What do I do?

27. RITA: I don’t know! this has never happened before.

28. DAWN: Take this throw blanket and apply pressure. 

29. RITA: It’s not blood! How is that-

30. DAWN: JUST DO IT.

31. (SOUND) Phone dialing

32. RITA: Who are you calling? Everyone you know is here.

33. DAWN: Shut. Up. [on phone] Hey, It’s Dawn. I know we just met, but I have a situation here with Rita. [Pause for person on call to talk.] She has a gunshot wound. A magic one. [pause] Yeah, that’s the thing, there’s no blood. I think you’d be fine. [pause] Oh my god, thank you so much. I’ll text you my address.

34. RITA: Who was that?

35. DAWN: That was Dr. Sunny. She’s coming over with some stuff to try to close up your wound.

36. RITA: Nooooo. [groan] She can’t see me like this. [feigned crying] Oh my god, you can’t tell her I did this pretending to be Yosemite Sam.

37. DAWN: I won’t promise anything.

38. RITA: [excruciated groan]

39. DAWN: Here, distract yourself and tell me about why I have an exploding reaper in my living room. 

40. RITA: [strained] Well, it was after the first time I legitimately got a lucky winner. 

41. (Sound) Rewind noise

42. (SOUND) Restaurant ambient noise

43. KYLE: Hey, (DIAL UP SOUND)! Come sit with me. 

44. NARRATOR: The break room at the DMV was busy. Reapers, angels, skeletons, demonic fiends, and Kyle were enjoying their lunches. The ticker with the number of souls reaped ticked incessantly in large, red LED numbers below the television. Kyle had called out a robed reaper in the doorway.  He sat a table for two in the corner, sipping on iced coffee and eating a panini. 

45. (SOUND) Pulling out chair

46. RITA: Hey, Kyle. Uh...I’m actually going by a human name now.

47. KYLE: Oh, my mistake. What should I call you instead of (DIAL UP NOISE)?

48. RITA: Ummm...Rita. I think I’m gonna be Rita now.

49. KYLE: Rita! I like it. You’re so brave to start living your truth with the little time you have left.

50. RITA: Wait...Little time I-

51. KYLE: Oh...Oh no. I- You didn’t get the memo? The-

52. RITA: I don’t understand.

53. KYLE: [sigh] Jesus, I don’t want to break the news to you. [Pause] So I don’t know if you’re aware, but your model of Reaper was made by the Sanitation department. They were recycling the energy from a white dwarf that had gone supernova. 

54. RITA: Okay.

55. KYLE: They saw the opportunity to make more effective reapers. With that amount of energy, you could travel though time and space faster, and collect souls more efficiently. They were really thinking quality over quantity with your model.

56. RITA: This doesn’t explain why my time is limited.

57. KYLE: Well, the problem arises when your model needs to be corporeal. Like if you reap a Lucky Winner. 

58. RITA: Okay?

59. KYLE: Sanitation explained to R&D that they’d need to upgrade your corporeal body to contain the amount of energy you contain. Most reapers only contain a fraction of the juice you’re-

60. RITA: Please get to where the other shoe drops.

61. KYLE: R&D and Sanitation have a long standing beef over funding issues, so you ended up being 10 pounds of reaper in a 5 pound bag. 

62. RITA: Okay?

63. KYLE: You know the human city of Atlantis.

64. RITA: Yeah. 

65. KYLE: Gone. 

66. RITA: Gone? How?

67. KYLE: One of your models had a Lucky Winner there. They got attacked by an alchemist, and the reaper made a tiny supernova.

68. RITA: They just exploded?!

69. KYLE: Blew the whole city up. I doubt future humans will be able to find any of it. 

70. RITA: So what are they doing with the rest of my model? What are you trying to say?

71. KYLE: [sad] You’re supposed to report to Operations on Monday to be decommissioned.

72. RITA: WHAT?!

73. KYLE: I’m so sorry! I thought you knew.

74. RITA: You have to help me. Please. You can change files, right?

75. KYLE: Whoa. I could get in big trouble for-

76. RITA: I’m just figuring out who I am. I can’t get decommissioned. I know I’m a little different, but I’m a good reaper!

77. KYLE: I know you are, but Operations-

78. RITA: We’re kind of similar. You stick out around here too. 

79. KYLE: Yeah, but I don’t explode.

80. RITA: And what’s the likelihood of me getting a Lucky Winner, let alone getting one that has someone wanting to attack them?

81. KYLE: Pretty slim.

82. RITA: So why should I have to die? I promise, if you help me dodge this recall, I’ll keep my head down. I just got done chaperoning. What are the chances I’m gonna get to chaperone again any time soon?

83. KYLE: Also slim.

84. RITA: Please. I’m just a few million years old. I’m too young to be decommissioned. 

85. KYLE: You ARE just a kid. [sigh] Fine! Okay. I’m going to change your file with your old name to “decommissioned”. I’ll create a new file with the name Rita that says you’re one model newer. 

86. RITA: Oh my god. Kyle! Kyle. I love you. Thank you! I promise you won’t regret this.

87. KYLE: I’d better not! You need to shut up about it and keep your head down. Try not to draw attention to yourself. 

88. RITA: I promise. I swear, I’ll be the best Reaper there ever was. 

89. (MUSIC) Interstitial 

Scene Three: Dawn’s Apartment: Night Time

1. RITA: [scary voice] GET ME DRUGS. I CAN’T TAKE THIS. 

2. DAWN: Where are they? What am I looking for?

3. RITA: Pants. 8 ball. [anguished yell]

4. DAWN: Okay, let me look. [struggling to reach onto Rita’s pocket] The only thing in your pockets is your lighter. 

5. RITA: I didn’t say pockets.

6. DAWN: Gross! I’m not reaching in your pants. What kind of Tommy Pickle-

7. (SOUND) Knock on door.

8. DAWN: That’s Sunny. One second.

9. (Sound) Opening door

10. SUNNY: Hey! I came as fast as I could. Where’s the patient?

11. DAWN: She’s the one on the couch screaming incessantly.

12. (SOUND) Door closing

13. RITA: [trying to hide her pain] Ha! Screaming? I would never be so dramatic. [pause] (Strained noise) Sunshine, you look radiant this evening. Thank you for coming to my aid with such haste.

14. DAWN: [aside to Rita] Why are you talking like an old timey, fancy-

15. RITA: DAWN! Why don’t you get the fuck out of the way and let the brilliant doctor get to work.

16. SUNNY: Okay, Let’s get a look at this wound. [pause] Whoa, no wonder you didn’t just go to the ER. Did you see who shot you?

17. RITA: [crosstalk with DAWN] No 

    DAWN: [crosstalk with RITA] YES

18. SUNNY: Well, sutures aren’t gonna cut it. I don’t think stitching up your skin will be enough to keep this smoke and light from leaking. 

19. DAWN: So what do we do?

20. SUNNY: Weird idea. Do you have any duct tape?

21. DAWN: I think I do! Let me look.

22. (SOUND) Rummaging through junk drawer

23. DAWN: Got it!

24. SUNNY: [flirty] Now, Rita. I know we just met, but I’m gonna need you to take your pants off.

25. RITA: [Delirious] (giggles) You don’t have to tell me twice, Dr. Smartybutt. [pause] If an 8 ball of coke falls out while I do this, I was holding it for a friend.

26. SUNNY: Sure thing. Now take em’ off!

27. (SOUND) Duct tape noise

28. NARRATOR: Rita removed her pants and laid back down on the couch. Sunny carefully tore pieces of duct tape to make a seal over the hole in Rita’s leg. She lifted Rita’s leg up to wrap the duct tape around the whole leg. After she put a second layer over the hole, the smoke stopped creeping out, and the blue light was gone.

29. RITA: Wow! I actually feel a little better already. I think my essence stopped leaking out. 

30. DAWN: Will it...heal? Or will you have a duct taped leg forever?

31. RITA: Pretty sure it should close up, now that I’ve stopped leaking out of it. I think a good night’s sleep should do the trick. 

32. DAWN: Thank you so much, Sunny.

33. SUNNY: It’s really no problem. I was actually going to give you a call in the morning anyway.

34. RITA: Miss me that much?

35. SUNNY: [charmed, flustered] Ha..I..It was actually about your old job. I’m not prone to paranoia, but I think someone from Sanguis must have installed a keystroke logging program on my work computer or something. 

36. DAWN: Whoa! What makes you think that?

37. SUNNY: Because I got a visit from someone, shortly after I was taking a look at your file for you. They had a lot of questions about you.

38. DAWN: Maybe it was just a follow up on the clerical error you faked. I did sign off to donate my body to them.

39. SUNNY: It was Carmilla. Carmilla Gwyar came to see me. 

40. DAWN: Carmilla? What business does the CEO of Sanguis have checking up on my remains?

41. (Music) Interstitial

SCENE FOUR: Afternoon, past: Sanguis Headquarters

1. SOUND: Rewind noise

2. CARMILLA: Please, darlin’! Mrs. Gwyar is my momma. You can call me Carmilla, but don’t you dare call me late for supper. [Canned Laughter]

3. NARRATOR: Three days before Dawn died, she was called into the office of Sanguis Pharmaceutical’s CEO. Usually, the executive would have someone from IT come in while they’re out. Currently, Dawn sat in a $2,000, custom-made office chair, while Carmilla draped her French manicured acrylics on Dawn’s shoulder. 

4. DAWN:  Uhh..Well, Carmilla, I think it’s fixed. I was able to restore everything but the last few days worth of work from your regular cloud backups. I honesty can’t tell what went wrong, but I can take some precautions so you won’t lose anything important in the future. I’m going to see about upgrading your set up here so it doesn’t happen again. 

5. CARMILLA: I can’t thank you enough, Dawn! The board was likely to tan my hide if I lost my entire presentation. Lord willing, I’ll be able to fix what I’m missing from the past few days. 

6. DAWN: Ow...sorry.

7. CARMILLA: Oh, sugar! I’m the one who’s sorry. Did you see the company doc for some bloodwork?

8. DAWN: Yeah, they just took it this morning. It’s no big deal, I just haven’t been sleeping well. 

9. CARMILLA: Since your momma died, right. I heard, sugar. I am so sorry. Our employees are our family here at Sanguis, and we want to make sure each one of you is healthy as can be. Do you need more time off?

10. DAWN: Uhh, no. I think getting back to work is best for me right now. 

11. CARMILLA: Gosh darn it, I love your stinkin’ work ethic. I’m thrilled we have you here to help us right now. We’ve got some exciting things cookin’ here. You wouldn’t believe it. 

12. DAWN: [awkwardly trying to leave] Yeah, that’s great. So...I’m done. I’m just gonna - 

13. CARMILLA: Oh, I’ve taken up too much of your valuable time. Thanks a heap, Dawnie! 

14. DAWN: No problem. I’ll be back later this week to -

15. CARMILLA: [Rushing her out the door] Sure thing, pumpkin! Bye now!

16. SOUND: footsteps walking away

17. NARRATOR: Dawn tucked her tablet inside her messenger bag, and she sidled her way out from behind Carmilla’s desk. She opened the frosted glass door, freeing herself from the mushroom cloud of tuberose perfume that permeated everything in Carmilla’s office space. 

18. (SOUND) Opens door

19. DAWN: Let me know if you need anything else.

20. SOUND Door closes

21. NARRATOR: Carmilla’s thin veil of amiability disappeared as soon as the door closed behind Dawn. Her faced dropped into a neutral expression, falling out of the near-Cheshire Cat grin she adopted when dealing with work subordinates. In Carmilla’s case, that was everyone in this 85-story building. She slumped into her office chair and quickly dialed the large black phone on her desk. 

22. SOUND: picking up office phone, quick dialing

23. CARMILLA: Bring the car around. I’m done for the day.

24. SOUND: Tapping acrylic nails on a table

25. CARMILLA: You were right about that frumpy little IT girl. Prepare to execute plan 1692 this week. 

26. SOUND: Tapping acrylic nails on table

27. CARMILLA: And see about getting Senator Owens over for dinner. Get his whole family over. I heard he was planning on voting “no” on the Telomere Bill. I need to change that. 

28. SOUND: Phone hanging up. 

29. SOUND (during narration): high heels on hard floor

30. SOUND (during narration) Elevator button press

31. SOUND (during narration) Elevator arrive/door close

32. SOUND (during narration) Car door close

33. NARRATOR: She hung up the phone. She grabbed her cell phone and keys from her desk drawer, and she tossed them into a designer bag that cost about 1/3 of Dawn’s yearly salary. She made her way down to the parking garage, where a driver stood ready to help her into the back seat of a luxury SUV with blacked out windows. 

The SUV drove her to a high rise on Pearl street, where a doorman let her in. She pressed the “P” button in the elevator, taking her to the 8,400 sq ft space on the top floor that she called home. 

34. SOUND: (during narration) elevator button pressed

35. SOUND: elevator opens

36. SOUND: short clack of high heels

37. CARMILLA: (English accent) Fucking hell. What a day. (Pause as she’s taking off shoes, earrings) You all know the drill. Once mother’s dropped that inane Texan drawl, you’d better be plating my dinner. If dinner isn’t ready by the time I take off my wig and pantsuit, someone on staff gets the axe. And you know I mean that literally. 

38. NARRATOR: Carmilla began stripping off her pantsuit, as she walked through the living room of her penthouse to the bathroom. First was her oversized gold watch and jewelry. She had no qualms with simply dropping these exorbitantly expensive accessories. Then came her white suit jacket. Next to go was the pants. Her daily disguise made a breadcrumb trail across dark granite floor. Just before she reached the bathroom, she unbuttoned and removed her pink floral blouse. Beneath this blouse hid a massive, circular back tattoo. A sigil made from a long forgotten, archaic text. 

39. CARMILLA: (yelling to whomever is in the penthouse) I don’t hear my dinner being prepared. (Pause) I wasn’t kidding about the axe. I’ll make you pick out which one I’ll use before I kill you. 

40. NARRATOR: Standing in front of a large rococo mirror in her bathroom, Carmilla delicately removed her blonde, lace front wig. She placed the wig on a black marble wig stand that sat on her bathroom. She removed several strategically placed bobby pins from her head to unfurl a mass of red, curly hair. Then, she removed her blue contacts to reveal her true, luminous red eyes underneath. Satisfied and comfortable, she covered herself with an emerald green silk robe that hung from a hook on the wall, and she sauntered back into the living room. 

41. (SOUND) Muffled sounds of four distressed, gagged people

42. CARMILLA: Oh, my dears. I shouldn’t have been so cranky with you. You got Senator Owens  and his family here already? You are too good to your mother

43. (SOUND) Muffled sounds of distress are louder, more frantic

44. NARRATOR: A thick tarp covered the floor in an area of the penthouse that was intended to be a dining room. There hadn’t been dining room set in there as long as Carmilla had owned the place. Atop the tarp sat Senator Owens, his wife Brenda, their 11 year old son Hunter, and their 15 year old daughter Kinsleigh, all tied and gagged on folding chairs. 

45. CARMILLA: Senator Owens! I didn’t expect you for dinner until late this week. I’m so happy my staff could get you and your family here on such short notice. [Pause, change to more sinister tone.] We have some things to talk about. 

46. (Sound) Muffled, distressed noises are louder, more panicked. 

47. CARMILLA: Do you not recognize me without my daytime get-up? How about now? [switches to southern accent again] “I’d love to make a sizable donation to your re-election campaign, senator.”

48. Senator: (muffled, distressed noises, as he realizes who she is.)

49. CARMILLA: [back to English accent] Yes! It’s me, your biggest campaign donor. 

50. SENATOR: (frantic, distressed noises)

51. CARMILLA: I suggest you take a cue from your petrified family, and shut up while I’m speaking to you. (PAUSE)

Remember when I asked you for just two, small favors in exchange for my donation? 

You already talked to your little friend at the FDA about fast tracking this new Sanguis drug, and now I just need you to vote “yes” on the Telomere Bill. 

52. NARRATOR: Carmilla sat herself on the Senator’s lap. He refused to meet her gaze, so she grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at her. Quite literally from the shadows behind her, a humanoid figure, wearing a suit identical to the Senator’s appeared. Unlike the senator, this figure had only a blank slate of flesh where their face should have been 

53. SENATOR: (terrified again, sees the creature)

54. CARMILLA: I know my dinner guest casts quite the alarming figure, but if you keep talking over me, I will slit your kids’ throats in front of you, got it? (Long pause) Good!

The word around Washington is that you found some morals. Maybe you learned a little more about Sanguis than you should have? Perhaps you learned about our less than scientific endeavors? (Pause)

But, you know what? Maybe you don’t have to vote on the bill. Would you like that?

55. SENATOR: (muffled  and frantic “Uh-huh”)

56. NARRATOR: The faceless creature came forward and touched the senator’s face. A warm feeling engulfed the senator’s face as he watched the creature’s face start to take the shape of his own. In a matter of seconds, he saw his own terrified expression looking back at him. Carmilla watched the transformation with a self satisfied look on her face. 

57. CARMILLA: See? Now we can both get what we want. They can vote “yes” in your place. I get my vote, and you don’t have to compromise your precious values. (Pause)

Too bad about the news tomorrow, though.  It’s going to say that your family died on the flight back to Maryland from Dallas. You’re doppelgänger here is going to be the only survivor.

(SOUND) frantic family murmuring and crying

58. Senator: (muffled weeping)

59. CARMILLA: [intense] What did you expect? You can’t make a deal with a fucking devil and not follow through. (Pause)

[less intense] Now, time for that dinner I invited you over for. (Pause) Well, dinner for me, that is. 

60. NARRATOR: Carmilla’s jaws opened far beyond that of a human’s. Rows of shark-like teeth appeared where there had been none. Her canines grew into 3 inch long fangs. In one swift motion, she used every tooth in that mouth to rip into the senator’s throat. 

61. (SOUND) Juicy bite noise

62. (SOUND) terrified family

63. SENATOR: (anguished, muffled scream, cut short by scene break)

64. (MUSIC) OUTTRO

65. (BRIANNE RECORDS AFTER EPISODE BUTTON)