Today’s Lucky Winner

Morgue Meet Cute

September 29, 2020 Season 1 Episode 2
Today’s Lucky Winner
Morgue Meet Cute
Show Notes Transcript

We’ve been searching all day to find the Wikihow on what to do if your grim reaper swallows a bunch of pills that are evidence in a murder case. We couldn’t find one. Maybe Dawn can figure it out on her own? I don’t know. How did people handle this before the internet? Also, Dawn and Rita take a field trip to the morgue. And there’s nudity. How did we fit nudity into an audio medium? Listen and find out!


Cast:
Narrator, Dad - Sean Turner @seanwkturner
Dawn - Emma Fuentes @og_emmakid
Kyle, Sammy, Announcer - Kyle Coughlin @kale_simplykale
Carmilla, Sunny - Violet Lantz @ultraviolet222
Rita, Billy, Maria - Brianne Leeson @brianne_leeson

Writer, Director, Assistant Editor
Brianne Leeson

Editor
James Leeson

Original Music written and performed by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

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Email: Luckywinnershow@gmail.com

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Writer, Director
Brianne Leeson

Producers
Brianne Leeson, Violet Lantz

Editor, Sound Design
James Leeson

Original music by Sean Turner
Cover art by Bryn Keenum @brynandbristles

Mixgnomer Website
https://www.mixgnomer.com/

Social Media:
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Support us on Patreon and Buy Me a Coffee!
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Rating Introduction:


1. (Narrator voice): Are you tired? Listless? Looking for a moment of escape from this hellish nightmare reality you inhabit? Today’s Lucky Winner from Sanguis Pharmaceuticals can help.


Independent studies, that are definitely not fictional, show that listeners reduced their boredom by up to 69%. 


Today’s Lucky Winner is not for everyone. Do not listen to Today’s Lucky Winner if you are under 18, easily offended by cussing, or are a snitch who can’t listen to fictional drug use. 


Side effects may include giggling, distraction from worldly concerns, and hyper aggressive sleep punching. Ask your doctor if Today’s Lucky Winner is right for you. 




SCENE 1: Dawn’s computer 


1.(Sound) VHS rewind noise



2.(MUSIC) Brief chime intro to advertisement


3. CARMILLA: Howdy ya’ll! I’m Carmilla. Are you tired of scrolling through this job hunting website? I bet you are! Well, you sure are lucky to live in North Texas. Your job hunt is over!


When I was appointed CEO of Sanguis Pharmaceuticals three years ago, my first task was finding a spot for our new headquarters. I knew my hometown had exactly what we were looking for. Sanguis Pharmaceuticals is opening our new corporate headquarters in Dallas, and we’re hiring for a variety of positions. 


We’ve revitalized 6 blocks of Dallas, just east of downtown, to create a state of the art facility for our employees. What used to be filled with alternative music venues, “ethnic” restaurants, and tattoo shops is now a clean and thriving corporate center. Sanguis is all about making our employees part of the family. But don’t take my dang word for it! Let’s hear from some of our employees. 


Here’s from Sammy M, in Jacksonville.


4. SAMMY: (monotone) I joined the Sanguis Pharmaceuticals family at their former Florida headquarters 5 years ago. I receive a 100% discount on their groundbreaking ALS medication for my wife. It’s great. It’s great that I can finally afford for my wife to live. 


5. CARMILLA: Wow, Sammy! That’s great news for your wife. I also enjoy living and being alive.  All full time employees and their immediate family receive Sanguis medications for free. And with Sanguis offering revolutionary treatments for some of the most debilitating conditions, like ALS, MS, Fibromyalgia, and Rheumatoid Arthritis, no other pharmaceutical job comes close. 


Let’s hear from Maria F, in Newark.


6. MARIA: (same tone as Sammy) The New Jersey pill packaging plant is my second home. Here, I’m family. If we surpass our quarterly quotas, we get a pizza party. 


7. CARMILLA: (FAKE HYPERBOLIC LAUGH) How fun! We love having fun here at Sanguis! Save a piece with pineapple for me, Maria. Well, heck. What are you waiting for? We are hiring now for jobs beginning next month, at the new Dallas headquarters. Click the link below to apply.


8. (MUSIC) video outro chime



9. DAWN: Oh, they’ve got coding and IT positions available. 


10. (SOUND) Typing


11 DAWN: Coño! Why do I have to attach my resume if you’re gonna make me fill out all this information again? (Pause) Whatever. It won’t kill me to apply. 


12. (SOUND) VHS REWIND NOISE


13. (Music) Intro


14. (“Previously on” segment. Brianne adds this later)



SCENE 2: Dawn’s apartment, Night time. Immediately following the last scene of episode 1



1. RITA: (Gagging noises)


2. DAWN: Barf them up, dumb ass!


3. RITA: Show me how!


4. DAWN: BARF UP THE EVIDENCE! MAKE YOURSELF BARF!


5. RITA: (Whining, fake crying.) I don’t know howwwwww!


6. DAWN: I’m gonna fucking do it for you. No way I’m going to hell because you won’t yarf up some drugs. 


7. RITA: Wait. What? What are you doing? 


8. DAWN: Open up.


9. RITA: (screams) NO! NOOO-(Dawn’s hand is in her mouth) Nooooo! (gagging noises)


10. DAWN: I will NOT. BE STUFFED. FULL OF KIDNEYS. IN HELL.


11. RITA: (unintelligible mumbling and gagging)


12. DAWN: God damn it! Stop biting me!


13. Rita: (Crying stopped, still muffled) Get your hand out of my mouth!


14. DAWN: (exasperated sigh) Why won’t you barf?


15. RITA: Now that your fucking HAND IS OUT OF MY MOUTH: I’ve never barfed. I’m not entirely sure I can. I may be corporeal, but I’m not sure I even have a stomach. 


16. DAWN: (sigh) We’ve gotta call Kyle. There has to be some way for them to tell you took the pills. They’ve gotta keep tabs on the earth to make those files on everyone. Maybe they can, I don’t know, “check the footage” and see who switched out my prescription?


17. RITA: We don’t...Ope. The Molly is kicking in. 


18. (SOUND) Rita is groaning and making a racket this whole scene


19. DAWN: He said he left candles for us to contact him. Have you seen candles?


20. RITA: Is it thirsty in here? Are you thirsty in here? 


21. (Rita poof noise)


22. DAWN: Aha! Candles! These definitely aren’t mine. 


23. NARRATOR: The research and development department at the DMV created the Calling Candles after a Lucky Winner in 1918 lost their Reaper chaperone to a warlock. With the chaperone gone, the warlock killed the Lucky Winner to use their temporary vessel as a spell ingredient for a massive hex. That hex was the Flu of 1918. 


24. (SOUND) Water faucet turns on


25. RITA: *exasperated groan* The water in this faucet is too dry. 


26. DAWN: Lighter. Give me your lighter.


27. RITA: Give me some wetter water. Wetter. Water. 


28. DAWN: Lighter, now!


29. RITA: *groan* It’s on the coffee tableeeee *groan*. Now the Fentanyl is kicking in. Sweet. China. White. *dry heave* Oh god, maybe I can barf? *dry heave*


30. (SOUND) lighter flick


31. NARRATOR: As Dawn lit the Calling Candle, a plume of nebulous, sparkling smoke created a gray and white rendering of Kyle coming from the long candlestick in her hand. The rendering looked up and met Dawn’s gaze. 


32. KYLE: It’s been less than an hour. What could you possibly need already?


33. DAWN: Whoa. This is weird. (PAUSE) Uhhh. Okay! Um, Hi! So, no big deal, but I think I was murdered. Not in this body, but my original- You understand. Rita took the pills I had taken before I died-


34. KYLE: Of course she did.


35. DAWN: And they aren’t sleeping pills. It’s a cocktail of stuff. I don’t know much about drugs, but it sounds like stuff you shouldn’t mix. That’s gotta be murder, right? How would I have gotten those otherwise?


36. KYLE: Alright. Who would have wanted to murder you?


37. DAWN: I...I don’t. I don’t actually know. I wouldn’t think anyone would. But if you can just, I don’t know? You have footage, right? Can’t your department just see what happens on earth? You can see that I was murdered, and I can get reincarnated. I don’t have to go to hell after this year. Right? Please tell me I’m right. 


38. KYLE: First of all, we aren’t some eavesdropping pervs. We don’t watch everything you do. There’s no “footage” to review. Second of all, without motive, it’s gonna be hard to convince our Investigations Department to take action. I can, at least, allow Rita to send the remaining pills back here to show them. It’s circumstantial, but it may be enough for them to open your case again. 


39. DAWN: (crosstalk with RITA) She took them all.

    RITA: (Crosstalk with DAWN) OH MY GOD. YOUR TV IS MELTING.


40. KYLE: Excuse me?


41. DAWN: (CROSSTALK WITH RITA) SHE TOOK. ALL. THE PILLS. THE PILLS ARE GONE. SHE TOOK THEM.

    RITA: (CROSSTALK WITH DAWN) Wait. Hold on. Shut up. Shut your butts. (PAUSE) I took 28 hits of acid, didn’t I. 


42. KYLE: Holy shit, Rita. You have to shut up. 


43. RITA: Whoa! Kyle. What are you doing at this...this- bowling alley? Was I in a bowling alley? (Giggles)


44. KYLE: Dawn, what am I supposed to show them? You have no evidence. You have no motive. You want them to take HER word for it that the pills weren’t what they were supposed to be? Maybe a different Reaper could convince them, but you think they’ll listen to someone who just got done serving time? What I really need is tangible evidence that you were drugged. Motive wouldn’t hurt. A suspect would be great. Find that, and I’m pretty certain they’d open up your case for reincar-


45. (SOUND) bag of weed being thrown at a candle stick


46. DAWN: GOD DAMN IT, RITA. WHO THROWS BAGS OF WEED?


47. NARRATOR: Now, fully entrenched in the massive MDMA, Fentanyl, and LSD cocktail she’d just consumed, Rita was convinced she was in a bowling alley she once visited with a Lucky Winner in 1974. The bag of weed she’d stolen earlier seemed to transform into a beautiful, opalescent green bowling ball, and Dawn looked to be holding a talking black bowling pin. 


48. (SOUND) Candle being extinguished


49. DAWN: No! No no! It went out. I’m not done talking to Kyle. 


50. RITA: Yesssss. That’s my third strike in a row, Leroy. I’ll be taking my free turkey now, A-THANK-YOU.


51. DAWN: The wick is gone? The wick is gone! I had 1/3rd of this candle left, and I can’t call him back? *whines* Why are you like this?!


52. RITA: (slowly) Whoaaaa. Stop yelling. I think I’m coming down.


53. DAWN: Already?


54. RITA: Reaper metabolism. I’m never high for long. I don’t even understand how drugs work on...*loud groan* I’ve only been high for 20 minutes, and 18 of them have sucked ass.


55. DAWN: You’re the one who took 28 pills. You’re lucky you can’t die. 


56. RITA: (taking deep breaths) Okay. Alright. The floor has stopped breathing. (Pause) Woo! I’m back. Get a cup of coffee in me, and I’m better than back. 


57. DAWN: Congrats.


58. RITA: Soooo, what are we waiting for? Bust out that Calling Candle. Let’s get Kyle on the line and tell him you were murdered. I’m sure the Investigations Department will take my word for it. What more would they need, after hearing my harrowing tale of taking 28 hits of three different drugs simultaneously? 


59. DAWN: (big sigh) I’ll make us some coffee. I think I have an idea. 


60. (MUSIC) Interstitial 



SCENE 3: Morning. Outside of the county courthouse


1. RITA: Fill me in on why we’re at the county courthouse?


2. DAWN: Well, it’s been four days since I died. 


3. RITA: And?


4. DAWN: And, my original body is still at the county morgue, which is in here.


5. RITA: You want to see that? That’s grim, even for me. And I’m a reaper.


6. DAWN: There wasn’t any next of kin to claim my body. But since Kyle made it look like I’m my own cousin, I can claim it. I’m my own next of kin. But we have to do it today. I forgot that I had set up terms to donate my body to my job. Should I pass while still their employee, and my next of kin isn’t around to claim my remains, by body is property of my job. 


7. RITA: I have several questions. 


8. DAWN: I worked for Sanguis Pharmaceuticals. The body donation was for medical research. I figured there was a pretty high likelihood that my mom would die before me, and I didn’t have anyone else who would care to have a funeral.


9. RITA: That’s depressing, but I still have questions. 


10. DAWN: I hacked into the County Medical Examiner’s emails.


11. RITA: I knew you were a cyber criminal! Nobody has a computer set up like that just for porn and MMO’s.


12. DAWN: I can see if I can convince their coroner to run a tox screen. If they don’t seem amenable to that idea, maybe someone will leave me alone to say goodbye...to myself. God, this is weird. While I’m looking at my own corpse and getting my fake closure, we can steal some of my blood to give to the DMV as evidence. 


13. RITA: You know, you’re pretty fucking smart. 


14. DAWN: Yeah, I know. Now, don’t get mad, but I have to make sure you’re 100 yards away without you having to come inside. No offense, but I don’t think you can be inconspicuous. 


15. RITA: That’s fair, I probably couldn’t. But I could go in stealth mode and snoop around for you. 


16. DAWN: Stealth mode?


17. RITA: How do you think I’ve been stealing weed from your neighbor? I don’t have to be seen or heard by humans if I don’t want to be. Most Lucky Winners opt for me to be a stealth chaperone.


18. DAWN: For real? That’s great. If I give you the log-in info I stole for the morgue assistant, can you see if there’s anything about me on their computer? Maybe they already ran a tox screen. I can distract them while you look. Use this flash drive to take any relevant info. 


19. RITA: Sure thing, boss. Let’s go.


20. DAWN: Are you?


21. RITA: In stealth mode? Yeah. 


22. DAWN: How do you know? 


23. RITA: Wave at that old guy at the bus stop over there.


24. DAWN: Okay, I’m waving.


25. RITA: Make sure he sees you.


26. DAWN: He’s pointing at himself to see if I’m waving at him. (Pause) He’s seeing if I’m waving at someone behind him. (Pause) What am I doing? He’s going to walk over here soon if I keep...HOLY SHIT, PUT YOUR BOOBS AWAY.


27. RITA: See? Look at him. He doesn’t even see a sliver of nip. And I’ve been jumping up and down this whole time. 


28. DAWN: I certainly saw more than a sliver. 


29. RITA: You really are a Lucky Winner. WINK! Now stop fucking around and let’s get in that morgue!


30. (MUSIC) Interstitial


SCENE 4: County Morgue. Morning. 



1. NARRATOR: Dawn and Rita meandered through the county courthouse, as Dawn followed the sparse signage for the basement level morgue. Rita continued to “check” that she was in stealth mode by calling every police officer she passed a bastard and making rude hand gestures. After a short elevator ride, they found themselves in the sickly fluorescent glow of the county morgue. 


2. SUNNY: Can I help you?


3. RITA: Damn! Why would they keep such a babe down here in the basement? 


4. DAWN: Uhh, I was (pause)


5. SUNNY: Are you (pause), here to identify a -


6. DAWN: Body! Yeah. My cousin. Dawn Menendez.


7. SUNNY: My condolences. Your name? I’ll just need some identification.


8. DAWN: Yeah, that makes sense. I should have totally expected that. I have a name. And I also have identification that matches my name. Yes. 


9. RITA: Kyle probably made you an ID. Check your wallet. 


10. NARRATOR: Dawn anxiously opened the wallet in her old purse. As soon as she opened it, she saw the face of the temporary vessel she currently inhabited staring back at her from the driver’s license slot. The one thing she didn’t see was a name. She panicked. 


11. DAWN: My name is...Ri-


12. RITA: Buddy, are you about to give her my name?


13. DAWN: -AWN?


14. RITA: That’s the last part of your name. 


15. DAWN: Ri-awn...uhhhhh? RIHANNA?


16. SUNNY: Are you...asking me?


17. NARRATOR: Dawn looked back down at the license she had just pulled from her wallet. The name now said “Rihanna Menendez”.


18. DAWN: Hahahaha! No. That would be weird. Right? 


19. RITA: Just hand the beautiful doctor with the incredulous expression your ID, RI-RI. 


20. DAWN: (aside to Rita) I am DOING it.


21. RITA: (chuckles) And you thought I’d be the conspicuous one. 


22. SUNNY: (incredulous tone) Umm...thanks?


23. RITA: Look like there’s a computer back there. I’m gonna see what I can find on you. Try to be normal, RIHANNA. 


24. (SOUND) Typing


25. SUNNY: Ya’ll, I don’t want to have to call security, but you have to go. This is clearly a fake ID, and YOU definitely can’t be back here. We get weird couples who want to look at dead bodies more than you think. Is that what’s going on? Not to kink shame, but you’re nasty.


26. RITA: You can see me? You heard all that?


27. SUNNY: Uhh, yeah?


28. RITA: Including the parts where I objectified you?


29. SUNNY: Yes. Now you need to leave.


30. DAWN: I thought you said nobody could see or hear you?


31. RITA: Yeah, humans can’t - hold on. I think I’m having a thought.


32. DAWN: Don’t hurt yourself. 


33. RITA: Doctor Lady?


34. SUNNY: Dr. Simmons. Sunny. My name is Sunny.


35. RITA: Shit, even you’re name is adorable. I should have known. (Pause) My stealth mode only works on humans, Dawnie.


36. (SOUND) Rita poof noise


37. NARRATOR: In the 24 hours that Dawn had known Rita, she had quickly forgotten that she was sharing her apartment with a powerful celestial being. Part of her job was to protect Dawn. Rita had poofed her way to where Sunny sat behind her desk, now holding a scythe she didn’t have before. Rita pressed the scythe to Sunny’s throat, wearing an expression that said she had every intention to use it.


38. RITA: Since it only works on humans, you mind telling me what the FUCK you are?


39. SUNNY: (uncomfortable laughter) I’m just a normal-

I just? Like, I...


40. RITA: (scary voice filter) I WILL end you. I WILL NOT lose another one.


41. DAWN: Rita, stop! You’re scaring her. And me, to be honest.


42. RITA: You know what’s scary, Dawn? You getting stolen and chopped up by a Warlock for a hex. That is scary. 


43. SUNNY: I’m..I’m not a Warlock. I’m just a vampire. That’s it. 


44. RITA: Ughhh, seriously?


45. (SOUND) Rita Poof


46. RITA: I knew you were too cute to be true. 


47. DAWN: Wait, if you’re a vampire, why are you out during the day? Shouldn’t you be in a coffin?


48. RITA: DAWN. 


49. SUNNY: Are you serious? Is she serious? 


50. RITA: (embarrassed sigh) Daaaawn, you’re embarrassing me in front of this beautiful, disgusting, pouty-lipped, monster. 


51. (Music) Interstitial



SCENE 5: Kid’s bedroom. Mid-century. Night. 



1. (SOUND) RECORD SCRATCH



(Scene is through an old timey sound filter) Billy is in a little kid’s voice, Dad is in an old 50’s PSA voice.



2. (MUSIC) 50’s PSA instrumentals 


3. BILLY: D-D-D-Dad?


4. DAD: Yes Billy?


5. BILLY: Can you come check under my bed for monsters?


6. DAD: Oh, Billy. Are you worried about Commies?


7. (SOUND) Laugh track 


8. BILLY: No, dad! Actual monsters!


9. DAD: Jeepers, Billy. What’s this? Mom’s garlic powder, our family crucifix, a picket from our fence? What’s going on here, son?


10. BILLY: It’s to protect me from vampires! They sure were scary at that flick we saw at the drive-in.


11. DAD: Oh, son. You know that made up, movie baloney won’t help you with real vampires.


12. BILLY: What about sunshine and praying?


13. DAD: Oh, son. Daytime won’t protect you. And neither the old gods or the new could protect you from the most unholy hunger of a vampire.


14. (Jaunty 50’s background PSA music) 



15. ANNOUNCER VOICE: So you want to learn about Vampires?!


Do you think vampires are velvet clad fiends who lurk in the shadows, seeking only to feed their dark passenger?


Or do you think they are tortured, brooding, and misunderstood?


Both are wrong! But that’s okay. We’ll help you parse fact from fiction when it comes to fanged fellows. 


Vampires are the product of the unholy union of the demonic and the divine.


Let’s have a little history lesson...pre-history, that is. 


In hell dimensions, souls are the hottest commodity. He with the most souls has the most power. Like most of us hard working capitalists, the demon lord Ambrogio wished their were more of him. He was only one demon. He could only hunt and steal so many mortal souls in one day. Not to mention, it was a real whopper of a commute from earth to hell.


That was until one night, Ambrogio came upon a Demi-god in desperation. He had a brilliant idea. This mortal, bequeathed with celestial powers, had found themselves in a dire situation, at the very brink of death.



Ambrogio cut them a deal. He would bestow upon them some of his blood, his demonic power and essence, in exchange for their help in the hunt for souls. The Demi-god, under a great deal of duress, agreed. They would feed on the blood of the innocent, and every life they snuffed would have their soul sent to Ambrogio in his dimension. He promised them that the more power he accrued, the more he would pass onto them. They would never be helpless again. As his wealth of souls and position in his hell grew, so would the power of the demi-god


It worked! Except, the human part of the demi-god died. The problem was, the more souls the Demi-god took on Ambrogio’s behalf, the more demanding he became. They had to harvest souls in larger quantities to satisfy their master’s hunger. The Demi-god grew more and more miserable as their dark Lord’s bloodlust grew. They were toiling endlessly, killing in greater quantities to appease their master. Despite his promise of more power, they had little to show for their endless labor.


A few short years after their turning, the Demi-god had an idea. If Ambrogio’s blood changed them, and some of his blood ran in their veins, maybe they could recruit more into the fold. They’d do anything to relieve the burden of this bloodlust they lived with. 


After finding a suitable candidate, they shared their blood to create another. It worked! The human vessel died, and their blood made it something new. That new vampire helped the demi-god send more souls to Ambrogio than they could have ever taken alone. The demi-god had help fulfilling their contract with Ambrogio. As they created new vampires to aid in the quest for souls, the bloodlust was sated...for a time. Again, Ambrogio became more demanding. He wanted more souls, and his minion’s need to consume only grew more untenable. 


Fueled by this compulsion to harvest souls for their master, more were turned, and the vampiric race was born. Evolution begat more types of vampires, but the first fed on blood. 


The only known ways to defeat a vampire are few and far between. Here are the top three:


1. Dismembering them, scattering, and burying their limbs will incapacitate, but not kill them. 


2. Decapitating them with a magically forged blade will kill them in a jif!


3. Vampires can easily kill each other. If you can get them to turn on each other, they’ll take care of your vampire problem in short order. But be careful, you’ll be left with the strongest vampire of the bunch, and they WILL turn on you. 


16. (MUSIC) PSA MUSIC FADES OUT


17. DAD: See, Billy! If a vampire wants your soul, there’s not much a lil’ slugger like you can do to stop them. 


18. BILLY: I’ve just got one more question, Pop!


19. DAD: What’s that, Champ?


20. BILLY: Do you think Ma’s gonna be cross that I took her garlic?


21. (SOUND) LAUGH TRACK


22. DAD: Oh, Son! (Pause) Now, let’s do check your room for Commies. Little boys may need rest, but the Red Menace never sleeps!


23. (SOUND) RECORD SCRATCH



SCENE 6: Back at the morgue. Same time. 



1. RITA: ...and that’s how vampires work in the real world. 


2. DAWN: Huh. Well, thanks for putting that exposition in an easily digestible narrative format. 


3. RITA: Of course. 


4. SUNNY: Sooooo, are we good or?


5. RITA: Meh, depends. I’m supposed to kill vampires. What kind are you? Lilitu, estrie, Psychic Vampire?


6. SUNNY: Just your classic vampire. 


7. RITA: Wow, that’s rare nowadays. It’d be a shame to kill an endangered species.


8. SUNNY: Yeah, not many of us left. 


9. RITA: I can’t even see your red eyes. You must pay a fortune for contacts.


10. DAWN: Red eyes?


11. RITA: Your classic vamp has bright red eyes. 


12. SUNNY: ...that’s after we kill our first human. Which I’ve never done.


13. RITA: How? Have you only been undead for a week or something?


14. SUNNY: I was turned in 1965.


15. RITA: Bullshit! There’s no way you’ve made it that long without giving into your need to kill.


16. SUNNY: Here, look in my travel mug.


17. RITA: *Sniff* *Heave* WHAT is that?


18. SUNNY: Autopsy tables have a drain, and that drain is placed over a sink. 


19. DAWN: Uh-huh. Gross. 


20. SUNNY: I made some alterations to the plumbing so it collects it all in a container I put in the wall. 


21. RITA: So you’re drinking the airport jungle juice from a bunch of dead people after it’s been through a sink drain?


22. SUNNY: Yep. 


23. DAWN: So, you don’t eat people?


24. SUNNY: Not living ones. I was a vegan who lived on a commune when I was alive. I’m not going to let dying change who I am. 


25. RITA: You’ve gotta feel like trash, drinking the assorted fluids of random dead people. Does the vampire bloodlust not get to you? You’ve gotta-


26. SUNNY: Be constantly exhausted? Yeah. But, I didn’t ask to be a vampire. It doesn’t give me an excuse to hurt anyone else. 


27. RITA: Ooof. I’m supposed to dislike you. You’re making it really hard to dislike you.


28. SUNNY: (flirty) I’d hate to make anything hard for you. 


29. RITA: *Giggles* Ohhhh, you’re gonna get me into trouble. 


30. DAWN: If the two of you can keep it in your respective pants for a second, could I get what I came here for?


31. SUNNY: (frazzled, embarrassed) Sorry! Yeah, you were...hold on *sniffs*. Why don’t you smell like food?


32. DAWN: Excuse me?


33. RITA: Sunny, she wants to see a body because it WAS her body. She died and gets to come back for a year in this temporary one. The DMV makes these temporary bodies smell bad to vampires so she doesn’t just get eaten right out of the gate. 


34. SUNNY: That’s why she smells like *sniff* like turpentine, or *sniff* like a magic marker? 


35. RITA: Yep. It’s like the vampire version of that bitter stuff you spray on the couch to keep your dog from humping it. So if you’re tempted to suck on someone’s neck, I’m right over here. 


36. SUNNY: *giggles* You don’t smell like food either, but you do smell good. 


37. DAWN: YA’LL PLEASE.


38. SUNNY: (remembering she’s at work) Sorry! What was the name again?


39. DAWN: Dawn Menendez. We think I was drugged, and I wanted to see if you could run a tox screen. 


40. SUNNY: Dawn Men- Oh. Oh no. 


41. DAWN: What?!


42. SUNNY: Well, the good news is that you were right. You were definitely drugged. 


43. DAWN: and the bad news?


44. SUNNY: *mumbles* I know because I drank your blood.


45. DAWN: What?


46. SUNNY: Your blood! I drank it. I drank all of it already. You weren’t scheduled for an autopsy, and you smelled good, and then SANGUIS called to claim your remains. And I had left bite marks. I got sloppy. I’m so sorry. Someone was going to see my fang marks, and I desperately needed to get rid of the evidence. You didn’t have any next of kin, so I faked a clerical error and...


47. DAWN: (upset) And?!


48. SUNNY: You were cremated 4 hours ago.


49. DAWN: *inhales* So what your saying is that the evidence is in your tummy. 


50. SUNNY: Well, most was incinerated. Some is in my tummy.


51. DAWN: *frustrated scream* (interrupt scream with outtro music)


(Music) Outtro